feedback feedback feedback feedback

[jeleane]

i have posted 5 stories so far and received feedback on only 2. People vote and from my average it seems like there's something missing from my writing. I'd like some feedback suggestions comments ANYTHING yo make my stories better!! lol its nice to have a little H symbol with your story

 

[_Lynn_]

Post a link -- we're a lazy lot.

 

[driphoney]

I recommend you also read some of the other Story Feedback requests. See if your writing resembles any of them and take note of the advice given. Yours will probably be similar.

This way you're prepared.

 

[jeleane]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=713939&page=submissions

thats shows all my stories.

 

[_Lynn_]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=713939&page=submissions

thats shows all my stories.

And which one do you want feedback on?

 

[jeleane]

all of them if possible, its like i want to make the characters like deep i mean not too deep but have a layer or two but in the same breath i want to leave the reader horny and judging from my voting something is off but no one is giving feedback i don't want people being nasty like listing how everything sucks but tell me how to make it better. Most of the feedback i get its all positive except for one and he was like put to be continued at the end of my story if theres a second part. I don't want to over develop my characters but i need to find out whats wrong with my writing. am i sounding whiny?? lol

 

[_Lynn_]

Maurice smiled a little bit at her pleas. He had know her since she was 4 and he was 25 he's watched her grow up and blossom, at times she had been like a little sister to him but now she being 19 and he saw her in a new light a sexier light. He stood there looking at the helpless ebony beauty and came up with a devious plan.

All right, I opened "Caught off Guard". The first sentence didn't grab me. But I went on. There are close to forty words in the second sentence, which reads . . . really bad. Both of the first two have errors, which wasn't encouraging. But I went on.

Viola climbed out of her car she stumbled a bit as she followed Maurice over to the side of the road he looked her over she was wearing a tight denim mini skirt and tight white v neck tee shirt that seemed to accentuate her b cup cleavage.

This is a complete mess for a sentence. The lack of punctuation is bad enough, but then there's also the cup size. Describe her breasts, or her cleavage. No one cares about what size she wears.

Wanting to stop, I went on. More punctuation errors followed. Then I find this:

Maurice smiled a little bit at her pleas. He had know her since she was 4 and he was 25 he's watched her grow up and blossom, at times she had been like a little sister to him but now she being 19 and he saw her in a new light a sexier light. He stood there looking at the helpless ebony beauty and came up with a devious plan.

You need a good editor. The characters are flat and the descriptions don't really give me much. This is a scene, not much more. If the following chapters are similar to this, I would say you're lucky you didn't get negative feedback. This chapter was far too predictable to me. With all the mistakes in it, I would have clicked out of it if I was looking for an interesting story to read.

 

[_Lynn_]

all of them if possible, its like i want to make the characters like deep i mean not too deep but have a layer or two but in the same breath i want to leave the reader horny and judging from my voting something is off but no one is giving feedback i don't want people being nasty like listing how everything sucks but tell me how to make it better. Most of the feedback i get its all positive except for one and he was like put to be continued at the end of my story if theres a second part. I don't want to over develop my characters but i need to find out whats wrong with my writing. am i sounding whiny?? lol

*shaking head*

There is such a thing as punctuation you know.

 

[jeleane]

Okay. So, more punctation. Better descriptions. Thank you!! You keep this up and I'll be asking you to be my editor.

 

[driphoney]

Is this a first story for you?

As just a reader, not an editor or even a good writer, a couple things beyond punctuation come to mind.

The negative one is that at the beginning of your second story you put a little author's note. You probably don't need to do a re-cap of the first chapter. And if you must, you might reconsider putting that joking "DUH" in there. If felt a bit insulting to me as the reader. Also, I noticed on another chapter you scream at the reader to vote. Asking isn't a problem, but you might want to address it at the end of the chapter, so it's fresh on their minds, and I recommend you don't do it in ALL CAPS! IT'S REALLY JARRING. SEE?

It's easy, when asked for critique, to only pick on what you see wrong, and I fall into that trap. :caning:

Unfortunately, to a beginning writer, it can be truly stifling. You're left wondering if you did anything right. (I could write my own essay on that topic, but CWatson's post in the Editor's Forum does a better job!)

The positive is that, if it's a first story, you're way ahead of the pack. You have come up with a premise and developed it. You told a story. This is a porn site, you put a lot of sex in it and sex is the theme, and the sex was better written than most here.

Also, I thought your dialogue was really very good. For some writers, dialogue is the hardest part. I could hear each character in their own 'voice'. A good editor will not only fix your punctuation, but suggest any needed adjustments in dialogue.

These are just my thoughts as a fellow beginner writer and reader, so you know how much value to place on my words. And like me, you just need to keep practicing, and when submitting, find an editor.

Good luck.

 

[jeleane]

Thank you and sorry for the caps and the duh I didn't mean to be insulting i figured it was humorous but I see what you're saying. I take all critique especially when critics seem to have advice about the same issue, grammar.

 

[timmywells]

Some categories are more likely to get feedback than other. Non concent might be one of those. Gay is as well, although you'll get a lot of private messages - maybe people don't want to out themselves even anonymously. Maybe people don't want to associate themselves with non-consent either.

The punctuation... that and dialogue are tough to get down right. Try to have the characters talk like people do instead of like porn stars, and read the story aloud before you submit. A lot of times you can catch yourself doing the breathless run-on sentences that happen when you get excited as you write. You'll learn. That's why we're all here. Have fun and learn from your mistakes.

Good luck.

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Okay I read part one and part 2 of Caught off Guard. For future notice--just a suggestion--but you might want to indicate in the title of the first part that it's a series. I've seen people raked over the coals for doing that and it would suck to get a low score just for that.

Other than that ITA with Mistress Lynn and Driphony. Mistakes like they mentioned make a reader pause, and then you often lose them. I'd also like to add that you should be careful about repeating descriptions. Maybe it's just me but I've always found that to be a little irritating, worse in such a short story. Repeating words in the same sentence cuts the flow too, you might want to keep an eye on that.

If you have time to find an editor I think it would help you a lot. If not try giving yourself a day or two after writing the story before reading it over again. And read it out loud. You'll catch more mistakes like that. Some of your sentences--which should be two or three--might have been caught like that.

That aside the story has potential. I kinda liked that he put her on the spot and took hold of the situation. I got the impression that she didn't really want to stop, but thought she should. He didn't let her shy away and made her face her willingness. Interesting. Makes for good sex, which I'm taking is the point.

Don't be discouraged. I've seen stories on here that are painful to even try to read. Yours isn't one of them. The fact that you want to improve says a lot about you. Good luck. Hope this helps.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I read 'Caught Off Guard' and totally agree with all the points Lynn made. also, I think Drip gives very good advice.

I took a shot at 'The Art Teacher', as a stand-alone story, and it has many of the problems Lynn highlights: it is a scene not a story and you don't get any character development to explain why Jerlaine suddenly wants to get fucked by her lecturer.

Unlike video, porn readers do demand some kind of explanation/rationale to justify the sweaty encounter - even in good old stroke stories. It doesn't make them more intellectual - just they prefer reading to viewing.

On the 'Art Teacher', I would say;

Andre Beverley sat at his desk organizing his paperwork. It was the first day of school at Bentley High and he was the art history teacher at this school for the third year. He reviewed the files on his students. He knew it would be a great class since he taught an elective course and only those who are totally interested in art and the history of art would be in his class, making his life easier. He walked over to his teachers closet and looked in the mirror. His light brown skin was smooth and shaved clean; his hair was clean and shiny but not greasy looking. He was an all around handsome 30-year-old slim black man. He smiled to see if his teeth were clean enough and he could see the glint of gold in his eyes the so-called 'fire' that his family members always talked about. He heard someone's footsteps entering his classroom.

This is a huge turnoff as an opening. instead of jumping into the action, you give us a tedious chunk of explanation. Get the story going straight away and dribble out whatever detail is absolutely neccesary as you go on.

Jeleane sucked her teeth "Maybe you shouldn't worry about my attitude maybe you need to worry about your own attitude"

Mr. Beverley was shocked "What attitude is that my dear I have always shown all my students respect and I ask for the same in return."

Jeleane giggled to herself "Well it seems like anytime you can't get some ass you start giving the students attitude you think I don't see it, shit you aren't fooling no one, Mr. Beverley."

Mr. Beverley laughed at Jeleane's comment. "Little girl you have no idea what you're talking about what you need to do is mind your own damn business." Jeleane was getting a little pissed she never had a teacher go back and forth with her but it was after 3 and Mr. Beverley was in his street clothes it seemed that they were going to bump heads so she decided to pull his card.

"Look Andre, Watch your mouth you may think I'm a little girl but I'm more woman than you'll ever know." She said this while grabbing her bag and approaching the door. Andre reached out and grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him.

Convention has it that dialogue always opens a new paragraph. Re-punctuating the quote above shows, to me at least, that you mix narrative and dialogue, weakening the effect of the dialogue.

Jeleane sucked her teeth.

"Maybe you shouldn't worry about my attitude maybe you need to worry about your own attitude"

Mr. Beverley was shocked.

"What attitude is that my dear I have always shown all my students respect and I ask for the same in return?"

Jeleane giggled to herself.

"Well it seems like anytime you can't get some ass you start giving the students attitude you think I don't see it, shit you aren't fooling no one, Mr. Beverley."

Mr. Beverley laughed at Jeleane's comment.

"Little girl you have no idea what you're talking about what you need to do is mind your own damn business."

If it's clear, you can just write a conversation. A few 'he said', 'she said's 'sprinkled in keep the focus.

"Oh my god I'm cuuuuuuuuuuumming" Jeleane yelled as her wet pussy flooded Andre's mouth with her juices.

Purrleeease, loads of exrta letters add nothing to intensity, 'yelled passionately' or some such like, works OK.

As Drip said, you are bettter than many here and you have the makings - just get a good editor.

 

[jeleane]

The art teacher was my very first try and i reread it recently and i was surprised i didn't get a ton of negative feedback, lol. See with all the advice I am now receiving I'm a little torn between moving forward, writing new stories and re-writing my old ones. I don't want to re-write because they have the mistakes they have, something that shows I've made progress. At the same time now I want my old stuff to be perfect. I figure I start with new stories and on a rainy day, if I really feel the need to, I'll try re-writing. I do love and appreciate the advice especially since I'm trying to write a non-erotic book. Please keep the gentle yet constructive criticism coming.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

The art teacher was my very first try and i reread it recently and i was surprised i didn't get a ton of negative feedback, lol. See with all the advice I am now receiving I'm a little torn between moving forward, writing new stories and re-writing my old ones. I don't want to re-write because they have the mistakes they have, something that shows I've made progress. At the same time now I want my old stuff to be perfect. I figure I start with new stories and on a rainy day, if I really feel the need to, I'll try re-writing. I do love and appreciate the advice especially since I'm trying to write a non-erotic book. Please keep the gentle yet constructive criticism coming.

Don't go back and try to rewrite. Post a totally new story, masochistically ask us to review it, and see how you're progressing. If you get a handle on plot and character you will be fine.

 

[freshface]

Convention has it that dialogue always opens a new paragraph. Re-punctuating the quote above shows, to me at least, that you mix narrative and dialogue, weakening the effect of the dialogue.

Funny. Dialogue was just discussed over in the Editor's Forum. The consensus was that dialogue only has to go into a new paragraph if it's a new speaker. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=683573

She pursed her lips. "That's not a bad idea."

He looked surprised. "I was sure you'd hate it."

This sort of structure removes a lot of he said/she saids and helps move the story along.

I would do it more like this.

Jeleane sucked her teeth. "Maybe you shouldn't worry about my attitude. Maybe you need to worry about your own attitude."

Mr. Beverley was shocked. "What attitude is that, my dear? I have always shown all my students respect and I ask for the same in return."

Jeleane giggled to herself. "Well, it seems like anytime you can't get some ass you start giving the students attitude. You think I don't see it. Shit, you aren't fooling no one, Mr. Beverley."

Mr. Beverley laughed at Jeleane's comment. "Little girl, you have no idea what you're talking about. What you need to do is mind your own damn business."

Jeleane was getting a little pissed. She never had a teacher go back and forth with her, but it was after 3:00 and Mr. Beverley was in his street clothes. It seemed that they were going to bump heads so she decided to pull his card.

"Look, Andre. Watch your mouth. You may think I'm a little girl but I'm more woman than you'll ever know." She said this while grabbing her bag and approaching the door. Andre reached out and grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him.

I agree that there are lots of punctuation problems, but I think she did a nice job of showing the action and using dialogue to move us along without losing us. I never wondered who was speaking. Your example is harder for me to follow because I expect a new paragraph to represent a new character/idea. With a new paragraph after Jeleane sucks her teeth, I expect someone else to be talking.

BTW, my own ability to use commas properly is a little lacking. Please don't assume I got them right in the example above.

 

[_Lynn_]

Funny. Dialogue was just discussed over in the Editor's Forum. The consensus was that dialogue only has to go into a new paragraph if it's a new speaker. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=683573

She pursed her lips. "That's not a bad idea."

He looked surprised. "I was sure you'd hate it."

This sort of structure removes a lot of he said/she saids and helps move the story along.

I would do it more like this.

Jeleane sucked her teeth. "Maybe you shouldn't worry about my attitude. Maybe you need to worry about your own attitude."

Mr. Beverley was shocked. "What attitude is that, my dear? I have always shown all my students respect and I ask for the same in return."

Jeleane giggled to herself. "Well, it seems like anytime you can't get some ass you start giving the students attitude. You think I don't see it. Shit, you aren't fooling no one, Mr. Beverley."

Mr. Beverley laughed at Jeleane's comment. "Little girl, you have no idea what you're talking about. What you need to do is mind your own damn business."

Jeleane was getting a little pissed. She never had a teacher go back and forth with her, but it was after 3:00 and Mr. Beverley was in his street clothes. It seemed that they were going to bump heads so she decided to pull his card.

"Look, Andre. Watch your mouth. You may think I'm a little girl but I'm more woman than you'll ever know." She said this while grabbing her bag and approaching the door. Andre reached out and grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him.

I agree that there are lots of punctuation problems, but I think she did a nice job of showing the action and using dialogue to move us along without losing us. I never wondered who was speaking. Your example is harder for me to follow because I expect a new paragraph to represent a new character/idea. With a new paragraph after Jeleane sucks her teeth, I expect someone else to be talking.

BTW, my own ability to use commas properly is a little lacking. Please don't assume I got them right in the example above.

But when you only have two people speaking, you don't need dialogue tags (or slugs) every time. Readers can figure out which one is talking. Using names in the dialogue also reminds us who the speaker is.

Plus, the repetition in your example becomes quite predictable and boring to me. (Marked in blue.)

 

[freshface]

But when you only have two people speaking, you don't need dialogue tags (or slugs) every time. Readers can figure out which one is talking. Using names in the dialogue also reminds us who the speaker is.

Plus, the repetition in your example becomes quite predictable and boring to me. (Marked in blue.)

I agree that it's often best to let the conversation flow with dialogue. My post was aimed at Elfin's idea that dialogue always has to go in a new paragraph. I'm personally not a fan of sucked teeth or giggles, but that's a stylistic choice. Paragraph structure was not a major problem in that passage.

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Not sure if you found any of my advice useful, but as for dialogue I personally like this blog...
http://darkerotica.blogspot.com/2007/02/writing-dialogue.html

tons of useful advice very similar to this all over the net, and there's a lot of tips to be found in the how to section. I recommend finding a writer you like and checking for a blog. The links they provide are often useful too.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree that it's often best to let the conversation flow with dialogue. My post was aimed at Elfin's idea that dialogue always has to go in a new paragraph. I'm personally not a fan of sucked teeth or giggles, but that's a stylistic choice. Paragraph structure was not a major problem in that passage.

You're quite right. In my quick and clumsy way I meant what Lynn said far more elegantly. I agree that dialogue does not always have to start a new paragraph. Just here the narrative/ tags clashes with the dialogue.

My case rests on quite accepting the last paragraph;

"Look Andre, Watch your mouth you may think I'm a little girl but I'm more woman than you'll ever know." She said this while grabbing her bag and approaching the door. Andre reached out and grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him.

The exchange comes at a crucial part of the story and fast-paced dialogue is weakened for me by the clunking add-ons. For me, perhaps I'm too finicky, if you say, J giggled to herself. ". . ." , doesn't that mean the comment in quotation marks is unspoken?

Will go and read the pearls of wisdom on the EF. Thanks for the link.

 

[Eroscribe67]

The art teacher was my very first try and i reread it recently and i was surprised i didn't get a ton of negative feedback, lol. See with all the advice I am now receiving I'm a little torn between moving forward, writing new stories and re-writing my old ones. I don't want to re-write because they have the mistakes they have, something that shows I've made progress. At the same time now I want my old stuff to be perfect. I figure I start with new stories and on a rainy day, if I really feel the need to, I'll try re-writing. I do love and appreciate the advice especially since I'm trying to write a non-erotic book. Please keep the gentle yet constructive criticism coming.

Jeleane,

I just read "The Art Teacher" and really enjoyed it. I've published short stories professionally in the past and have also written and published erotica. You definitely have talent and all I can say is keep at it, keep writing. I'm sure my advice--for what its worth--has been echoed by others in here, but I've found sometimes rewriting can sometimes be overdone. Best thing to do is let something sit for a while...a long while, and then go back to it and see if it needs anything tweaking or editting. Sometimes, but not always, it may not need anything.

But then again, most writers are their own worst critics...we're never completely, totally happy with what we've written.

Feel free to contact me if you wish....and/or check out my posted stories, as well...

Take care,
Kevin