Feedback desired: nonconsent cat.

[ellynei]

I just got my second story posted on lit. (Was originally the first to be made but I had doubts on it's suitability for lit-posting so I kept it back a while.)

It's called "Roleplays can be interesting indeed". Strangely the search-machine cant find it if one types full title, it can be found if typing as much as 'Roleplays can be interesting in' . I do hope the below link works so noone will have to go to that trouble though.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=357456&page=1

The sex in the story is actually consentual. But the drive of the sex is nonconsentual fantasies.

This story has a really long introduction before anything sexual happens. My purpose with that was to draw the reader slowly into the fantasy, making it feel more real, and slowly building tension so that the sex in the end has a more satisfying effect.

I'd like to hear from people who usually likes that kind of build up: Does it work? Does it not? (If not, can you tell me why?)

The primary purpose of the foreword of the story is to not waste readers time, with a story-type that many is not interested in. But from someone who is not into slow build ups I'd like to know:

Does the sex part have any value, when following the instructions in foreword and skipping to the sections I recommend to those who dont like build ups. Or should I remove the instructions on where to go for sexual content, encouraging readers who are not in the mood for a build up to browse for another story instead?

If there is anything else anyone would like to tell me about my writing. Im very interested too. Im new to writing my stories down. And very new to showing them to people too. And quite frankly desperate for people to talk with about writing, erotic as well as non-erotic.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

You lost me on the first page I'm afraid.

There's something wrong on the tenses that makes the prose hard to read. Hopefully someone with better editing skills will come along to explain why. (It felt wrong for me as a reader, but I couldn't tell you definitely why - sorry I can't be more precise, I'm just one of those people that flies by their gut )

There's far too much detail on the mechanics of the game itself and not enough on the characters participating.

The game seems straightforward. It's 6 vs 1 with an emphasis on the character's ability to remember words to a ritual rather than simply telling the GM "I'm casting fireball". You should get this out of the way in about a paragraph and then move onto the important parts - who is the GM, who is the Princess of Light and who are the warlocks. About 4,000 words in and I didn't have the slightest idea who these people were.

You mention in your introduction that people should skip to the relevant section depending on what they want. By doing this you're acknowledging your own weakness in setting the story out. If I can skip straight to section 3 without any loss then why is there any need for sections 1 and 2? Have more confidence in your own abilities. Sure they'll be people that just want to hear about cocks in pussies, but let them go elsewhere. If your story's good then I should be forced to read the intro and I won't mind doing it because everything adds to the story.

The premise is interesting. I was never into LARPing a great deal but I had plenty of friends who were and I remember a story (probably apocryphal) about some guys getting a little too far into their characters and raping a girl they had tied to a tree. This is a nice twist in that it's something the girl seems to want.

Be a bit more brutal on the first section. It's a roleplaying convention. A talented GM asks a pretty girl if she'd like to be the princess of light in a game where she has to compete against six players playing evil warlocks.

Have him talk to her. The rules of the game can then come out through the conversation they have. This is better than several paragraghs of exposition and also gives a chance for the reader to also gain more of an insight into the characters of the GM and the girl.

Above all let the story flow.

 

[ellynei]

Thanks for feedback manyeyedhydra, very much appreciated.

Is it possible that the hard to read on tenses is caused by me making the paragraphs too long for reading on a monitor?

And I do fear you are right about those darn game mechanics , it really isn't all so important for the reader to understand every aspect of this made up game. I should have been able to weed more out before posting.

I guess telling people which section to skip to for sex scenes was a bit of a sell-out on my part. But I dont consider it an acknowledgement of weakness regarding the story's build up. I consider it knowing that many people dont like slow build ups, and often even people who do are in the mood for some quick porn.

Acknowledgement of weakness no. Selling out yes. (Though i can see why you got that impression, and it is a nicer impression than the truth.)

( Basically whoring myself to get more readers on it, than it would otherwise have. I haven't posted much on lit yet so yes I was hoping that with the "skip to this section for sex" I could get some feedback on the quality of the sex scenes, from people who would otherwise not read the story at all. I mentioned in first part of this thread that I am a feedback addict. Im not proud of it, but I cant help it. )

I like your suggestion, of the option to use conversation between the gm and girl to introduce and create background at same time. I got the same idea for a second story Im working on.

But maybe if I managed to weed out some game mechanics the flow of the story would be smoother, making the reader more patient to let them be introduced slowly?

( And Im afraid I need more skill/practice before being able to introduce characters and background through their conversation in sex-stories. That story i just mentioned that I haven't posted yet. As soon as I let them talk it exploded between my hands and became a psychological thriller iso a sex story aaargggh.)

Oh dear. I hope my polemic nature did not shine too clearly through this. Thank you so much for your feedback. I really do appreciate it, even if it looks like I am arguing immensely.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Found it! Thanks for the jog.

Will read it tomorrow and reply.

 

[ellynei]

Oh that's really nice of you.

----
By now even more than I worry about the story, I can't help but worry that my wording in this thread has been impolite.

I have been told many times that I have an immense ability to be unintentionally rude. Which makes me somewhat insecure about using forums.

I'm like a lice between two nails that way hehe. On one side being pushed by people who tell me that it's wrong to give a crap what others think of what I say, on the other side being pushed by people who tell me that im rude and insolent.

In the middle me thinking "Why cant we all just get along!"

 

[Darkniciad]

Haven't read it yet, though I think I will from reading some of the back and forth about the storyline in the thread. One thing I will say regarding your forward: I don't see any problem with directing the stroke readers to page xx for the sex. They're often treated like second class citizens on these boards, though everyone is happy to have their five votes when they skip through the pages of storyline to find the bump-n-grind.

I used exactly such a forward on one of my stories where there was little more than suggestion for three pages before the sex started. I also warn readers if a chapter/story has little to no sex right from the start. Conversely, I warn readers if something is mostly pure smut.

Regardless of whether authors like it or not, there are some readers who are here for nothing more than gratification. I don't see anything wrong with helping those readers find what they want in your story. It's a win-win situation, because they get what they came for ( pardon the pun ) and you get someone reading your work ( which is what you came for ), even if it is just the sex part. If you didn't want them reading the sex part, you wouldn't have wrote it!

:: Gets down off his soapbox, and promptly trips ::

:: Mumbling :: Dammit -- screwed up the dismount. So much for my hopes in this years syncronized bitching competition...

 

[ellynei]

Second class citizens

I like to sometimes read stories thats just one long hot sex scene too. And enjoy it!

Sometimes I want a pizza, sometimes I want ice cream. And sometimes nothing less than a complete five course gourmet meat will do.

But even though both chocolate and crisps are tasty. There is no point in going for sweet, when I am in the mood for salt.

Those who disapprove may call me a third class citizen if they like.
.

I'm not in it for the stars however, not that I have so many of them yet but I'd gladly trade what little stars I have for feedback that can help me evolve

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I just got my second story posted on lit. (Was originally the first to be made but I had doubts on it's suitability for lit-posting so I kept it back a while.)

It's called "Roleplays can be interesting indeed". Strangely the search-machine cant find it if one types full title, it can be found if typing as much as 'Roleplays can be interesting in' . I do hope the below link works so noone will have to go to that trouble though.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=357456&page=1

The sex in the story is actually consentual. But the drive of the sex is nonconsentual fantasies.

This story has a really long introduction before anything sexual happens. My purpose with that was to draw the reader slowly into the fantasy, making it feel more real, and slowly building tension so that the sex in the end has a more satisfying effect.

I'd like to hear from people who usually likes that kind of build up: Does it work? Does it not? (If not, can you tell me why?)

The primary purpose of the foreword of the story is to not waste readers time, with a story-type that many is not interested in. But from someone who is not into slow build ups I'd like to know:

Does the sex part have any value, when following the instructions in foreword and skipping to the sections I recommend to those who dont like build ups. Or should I remove the instructions on where to go for sexual content, encouraging readers who are not in the mood for a build up to browse for another story instead?

If there is anything else anyone would like to tell me about my writing. Im very interested too. Im new to writing my stories down. And very new to showing them to people too. And quite frankly desperate for people to talk with about writing, erotic as well as non-erotic.

Sorry but I had trouble reading this and clicked back halfway through the first page.

Each time a new person starts speaking it should be a new paragraph. You string multiple people together inside some paragraphs.
I know people run RPGs in the present tense but writing like that for a long time is off putting to many people.
Background and setting the scene is nice but your first 12 paragraphs do nothing to move the action forward at all.

On a more positive note the dialog is written very well and the concept is great.

 

[ellynei]

Each time a new person starts speaking it should be a new paragraph. You string multiple people together inside some paragraphs.

You are absolutely right.

I'll make sure to keep an eye out for that in the future.

Thanks

 

[elfin_odalisque]

ellynei

I said I would and you poked a stick, so here I am with both barrels and the gatling gun.

Seriously, I loved the concept and plot and I like your style of writing. The interplay of GM's, fake warlocks and sex will probably get you thrown out of your LARP group, but it's great.

From an editing viewpoint, there are some issues.

You jump between present and past tense which is very confusing and I think is manyeyed's point. Stories are usually told in the past tense, the present is really difficult.

Your title - and remember this is your big advert to get readers to click - is a not inspiring. I'm no expert but I could suggest,'The Forces of Good and Evil', or 'Let the Game Begin' might be more seductive.

Your beginning is slow. Rumple Foreskin wrote a gtreat 'HowTo' on starting a story - basically, leap into the action. With your story, I would have started with your paragraph;

“Let the game begin," the gamemaster shouted.

The girl opened her eyes and looked quickly from side to side. One of the warlocks took this as a cue to let out a spontaneous, "Welcome to the feast princess," followed by a mocking laugh. The girl was quick to follow up on that track. "Fiends! You may have succeeded in luring me here, but whatever you had planned, what you will get is your end!"

She didn’t pause for further theatrics before beginning the chant of a basic quick demolition spell pointing one arm towards the one that had spoken.

"Fire of truth, fire of righteous anger, burn my enemy by the force of my will". She did not falter and neither did the gamemaster needing less than a second after this cast to look at his roll and say, "Complete hit. Warlock Yenok's basic protection is now at 15%."

Again, there is too much concentration on the rules and not enough abandonment to fantasy. I wish you had kept the role play going a bit more through the sex and the finale.

I don't know what score you've got, but with this plot you should be up in the toplists.

There is more I could say but I've wittered on too long. If you want any more of the wisdom of Elle (who would?) PM me.

http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/larp-6.jpg

Your LARP is more sexy than this.

Elle

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Elle pretty much hit this on dead on. Your idea is great. Your writing skills quite good. But the opening (almost full page) is killing you.

You have to grab the reader by the balls and make him/her WANT to read your story. That happens in, as Elle said, the Title and the first sentence and paragraph or two.

The best opening I ever wrote was:

So here I am, Jennifer "Jenny" Jackson, 36 years old, great job, tanned skin, blonde, very good looking, single woman with long legs, fine, tight ass, big, full lips, a nice pair of 34D's that seem to attract attention everywhere I go. And what am I doing? Sitting in front of a computer screen in a private chat room with a 10 inch dildo stuffed up my pussy talking on webcam with some jerk-off in New Jersey who probably works at 7-11. So this is where my life has ended up?

I got 1000 reads in the first couple hours. (I don't look or act anything like that, btw) But that's the kind of thing your story needs far more than a long discriptive discussion of the RP. I think I would have begun the story with the RPG already running. ACTION gets you reads and votes. Discripition gets you back-clicks.

When the action finally begins, you did alright. I rather liked the story from that point on.

With a rewrite of the beginning and some editing help throughout you'd have a pretty decent story.

JJ

 

[ellynei]

The score on the story is ok, but amount of votes rather indicates lots of people dont read it to the end. It's really late my time just now been writing my brains out before I came on to check forums.

So forgive me if I speak gibberish.

I suddenly feel a burning desire to rewrite "Roleplays", hope it's still there tomorrow

(Hopefully day after too cause my brain shut off b4 I wrote out the inspiration I got today, this complex story I'm working on on the side. It finally fell in place, I finally know how to finish part1!!! Anyone recognize the feeling? So gotta get that written as soon as brain returns. And second chapter on this to be continued thingy I posted on lit needs finishing too, way too delayed.) Eeek did i mention I go blabbermouth when its past my bedtime?

Thanks so much for the input elle and jj!!

I'll take further looks tomoz sometime to be sure I understood it all right.

And of course I want more input Elle. I'll just wait with the PM till I've had some sleep to avoid giving out more of mine uncontrollable sleepy blabbermouth spam.

Right now It really looks like you nailed it with beginning story with the: 'Let the game begin'- paragraph.

Now people has said a lot about me and my LARPing by now but uhm honestly: I dont even know what LARP means. (Xept i assume RP means RolePlay)

I've wanted to try roleplays like the 'Forces of Good and Evil' I invented for this story. But I never actually did. A big reason I had to invent a game that didnt exist, was that I dont know the existing ones in detail (Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that, writing secrets n all that, but so many people had started commented on it. The longer ye wait the deeper n darker a secret, a simple withholding of information becomes.)

Uh oh my late night blabber really went crazy gonna run now. Gotta run now!! Soz for the spam. Yo fingers what are you doing get of that keyb...

 

[ellynei]

Righty had some sleep and kind of awake.

Thanks for all the feedback everyone.

It's highly appreciated.

With the full feedback given to me in this thread by you all. I didn't just get a better understanding of what was amiss in the story. I also got ideas for how to fix it in ways that would not kill what I like about the story myself.

"Roleplays" is gonna do the phoenix thing. Don't know how soon yet, but it's gonna happen.

Thanks for all feedback.

No more feedback on this version of "roleplays" please.

Let me work with what I've learned so far before telling me more

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

The score on the story is ok, but amount of votes rather indicates lots of people dont read it to the end. It's really late my time just now been writing my brains out before I came on to check forums.

You are going to have to get used to LOTS of read and a lot few votes. That's just the way it is. Many people will start a story and not finish or vote. Some even read your story and not bother to vote. And a few never vote unless they feel the story deserves at least a 4.

Shit, I have one troll who votes based on how long it takes the bloody wanker to get off. I get a "1" from him on every story.

 

[ellynei]

Shit, I have one troll who votes based on how long it takes the bloody wanker to get off. I get a "1" from him on every story.

lol

-

well at first I assumed the low vote count was normal. But I've come to believe it's a low vote/view even for the category cause my third story got three times as many votes with less views in same category.

 

[Oblimo]

I'm sorry, but I keep seeing the title of this thread -- "nonconsent cat" -- and I keep thinking: the Chesire Cat's very unfunny cousin.

 

[Tanuki]

Elle pretty much hit this on dead on. Your idea is great. Your writing skills quite good. But the opening (almost full page) is killing you.

You have to grab the reader by the balls and make him/her WANT to read your story. That happens in, as Elle said, the Title and the first sentence and paragraph or two.

The best opening I ever wrote was:


I got 1000 reads in the first couple hours. (I don't look or act anything like that, btw) But that's the kind of thing your story needs far more than a long discriptive discussion of the RP. I think I would have begun the story with the RPG already running. ACTION gets you reads and votes. Discripition gets you back-clicks.

With respect to Jenny, I don't think one style is better than the other. A lot of great literature is rather slow going the first 30 pages, and even for Lit, I'm usually turned off by stories that jump straight into action, as if the writer is impatient. It does need an edit, but you don't have to change your style.

I don't like the intro by the author - i think a good story suspends reality for the reader - so talking to the reader directly like that at the start, breaks the connection between reader and story. As an author, it's not your job to please everyone.

I read this one, and Unwanted obsession, and i think the stories have a kind of sweetness or innocence that is very appealing. You just need to work on mechanics - always read your writing back to yourself as if you were the reader, and see if you get confused.

 

[Tanuki]

Some comments about the story:

It isn't until 1/3 into the story that we get some thoughts from the girl wizard on her situation, and we also find out that she disrobed back at the beginning of the game - but you never described that! I don't know about you, but disrobing down to skimpy metallic bikini in front of six geeky wizards is an event you might have mentioned. let us connect with the characters, and then their experiences will be ours.

So you need to be your own editor - spend as much time on editing as you do the original story, because things like this break that precious connection between you and the reader.

 

[ellynei]

Thank you for feedback Tanuki.

Hmm. Yes one girl unrobing in front of six warlock players and a gamemaster is too good a scenario to save for a short retrospect. Would also allow for some mild sexual tension earlier in the story.

I'll see what I can do about that in the remake. Can't promise anything though, my skills are not advanced enough to accomplish everything I want to yet. (I actually do spend far more time editing than writing, even though writing is so much more pleasureable than editing hehe. I'm just so new that it is not very visible yet )