Feedback appreciated

[hotsnatch6]

“Can you believe that bullcrap,” Shirley said. “I was so looking forward to going out with you tonight, sweetie, but they’re really shorthanded on my floor. There’s just nothing I can do. But if you’ll wait up until I get home, I’ll make it up to you.” Matt could only nod. He understood that his wife being a nurse meant she was always on call, but they hadn’t been out together in months. He really missed the days that now seemed so long ago when they could go out on a whim and stay out all night if they wanted. Inside he was furious but he decided not to cause a blow up before his wife had to leave. Besides, it was hard for him to get upset at such a beautiful woman. As Shirley changed from the sexy dress she had on for the evening into her nurse’s uniform, his eyes were glued to her ass. It was his favorite part of her and the reason he had met her in the first place. He used to watch her walk down the hallway at St. Hubbins High School just to see her backside.

“Bye honey,” Shirley said, blowing her husband a kiss as she went out the door. “I’ll call you when I’m on the way home.” Matt had no idea what he was going to do to pass the time. He thought about watching a porn movie because he was so horny but he wanted to save himself for later in case he was able to make love to his wife. He ended up watching a ball game while he had a few beers and several shots, eventually falling asleep on the sofa. He awoke in the middle of the night needing to go to the bathroom. As he stumbled down the hallway to his bathroom, he wondered where Shirley was. She was usually home by this time, especially when she was filling in for someone else. Often the boss would let those called in leave first.

After using the bathroom, he looked at the clock and noticed it was 4:30 AM. He was somewhat worried, so he debated calling his wife on her cell phone. She was not supposed to take calls at work, but he didn’t see why she would be so busy at this hour. So he dialed her number and let it ring several times. After 4 rings, he expected her voicemail to pick up but it kept ringing, but the ringing stopped. “Hello?” Matt asked. “Shirley are you there?” There was no answer but he could tell that the phone had been answered. There seemed to be some movement and some rustling on the other end, but he couldn’t make out what it was. It sounded like heavy breathing and he assumed it was some commotion in the hospital room. There had been another occasion when he had called his wife and she had accidentally pushed the answer button by bumping her phone into a bed as she leaned over her patient. On that occasion, Matt was able to hear his wife tend to the needs of her patient as he listened in without her knowledge.

He listened for a few more seconds and it was obvious that Shirley had not answered her phone on purpose. He was about to hang up, believing that she was busy tending to a patient, when he heard some more heavy breathing. But now he realized it was not a lung patient making the raspy sound; it was most definitely the sighs of arousal that came with a passionate embrace. At first he thought this was exciting because he had always enjoyed voyeurism and eavesdropping on erotic activities. But an instant later, to his horror, he realized that if this was indeed erotic activity, it was his wife! And it was not with him!

Matt’s face turned red with anger as he continued to hear the unmistakable sounds or sexual activity. He was hoping that somehow it was a person other than his wife on the other end. Perhaps she had lent her phone to a colleague or had inadvertently left it in the supply closet. Matt continued to listen in and calmed down some as he thought again about the situation. He had never been unfaithful to Shirley over 12 years and he was sure she hadn’t been either. He soon relaxed as he realized how prudish his wife often was in public and how conservative she tended to be in bed. The noise had died down again and he prepared to hang up once again when it happened.

“Ohhhhh baby that feels so good! Don’t stop licking me. I’m sooooo close. OHHHHHHH!!!!!” Matt knew his wife’s voice. And he certainly knew the sound of her arousal. And his heart was crushed as his worst fear was now playing out unbeknownst to Shirley. She was quite obviously in the throes of passion with another man. Matt was crestfallen as he continued to eavesdrop on his wife. Her heard one orgasm after another as she vociferously encouraged her lover. His one consolation was that it seemed to be oral sex that she was receiving. Maybe she was drawing the line with her lover and not letting him penetrate her married pussy.

Matt didn’t know whether to nag up or not. On the one had, it was torture to hear his wife ecstatically talking to her lover as she experienced orgasm. On the other, it was better to know than to not know what his wife was up to. His mind raced as he envisioned all the possible scenarios. He knew that he loved his wife very much and certainly didn’t want to leave her. But this betrayal was a blow to his manhood. And in a moment his hopes of her confining herself to oral sex was dashed. The next voice he heard was recognizable to him as Dr. Balser, the chief surgeon at the hospital where his wife worked.

“Mmmmm, Shirley, you’re pussy tastes to good tonight. I don’t ever remember you being that wet before. Shall we stop there or do you want some more?” Matt realized immediately that this was not a one-time encounter. He nervously awaited his wife’s answer. “Stop? Are you fucking kidding me? No way! I want that sweet dick of yours up my wet married snatch and pronto! I want for you to bend me over and do me from behind like you did last night. Pump that giant rod in and out of me until I cum all over your dong. I love the feel of your warm balls slapping against my hard clit. And don’t pull out this time and spray your warm jism all over my big tits. Cum inside of my pussy so I can feel it in my quim for the rest of the night. And don’t hold back at all - I want you to leave me butt up with a flower in it!”

That last paragraph is what I’m unsure of – is that a bit too much? Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[loneflame]

I'll admit, the layout and word usage had me skimming before I even got to the part you asked about.

1. Dialogue ALWAYS gets a new paragraph. Same thing for thoughts even if they aren't atributed directly. For example the first paragraph should be:
Shirley says some stuff. (new paragraph)
Matt nods and thinks some stuff. (new paragraph)
Shirley changes into her uniform and Matt checks out her ass. Matt remembers her ass from high school. (new paragraph)

2. You use the word "as" and "so" a lot instead of conjunctions. Maybe its your thing? It seemed pretty awkward.
"He was somewhat worried, so he debated calling his wife on her cell phone." (I would use "and" rather than "so".)

3. There's also the overuse of conjuctions where you did use them. More than one conjunction in a sentence is generally a run-on, and starting a sentence with a conjuction is generally a fragment.
"After 4 rings, he expected her voicemail to pick up but it kept ringing, but the ringing stopped." ("...kept ringing. Suddenly, the ringing stopped.")

4. As to the last paragraph (which again should be several paragraphs)... It's a little sudden for my taste. The first line is good, although I would identify the person speaking as a man that Matt doesn't know. As for Shirley, its a little much. It's almost like you're forcing the information. I think it would work better if it was a simple, "No, don't stop. I want your cum leaking out of me when I go home to my husband." or whatever you prefer.
The way it's written it sounds like she knows that he is listening in and wants him to find out. I personnaly don't stop in the middle of having sex to discuss how previous encounters have gone, but I suppose if your character is especially into talking throughout, it could work.

My advice is read it out loud and imagine that you are Shirley. A man just ate you out, you're horny and you want him to fuck you... What do you say to him? Disregard the fact that Matt is listening. Just the part that he has heard is enough for a confrontation. (I'm assuming that's where this is going.)
Also, reread some of the top parts, there are some words that aren't right for the situation.
If you were one of my writers, I'd recommend either picking up a Freshman Comp book or wander over to some of the writing guides listed on the site to go over some of the "dirty dozen" errors that I see.