Feedback Appreciated

[CJS6]

CJS6 here,

I have been writing for a couple months now, mostly fantasy based stories about friends that become lovers, I also have written a couple poems. I would really appreciate your comments and feedback. The following are the names and links.

Dark Night
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69004

Endless
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67770

Misty Mountains
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67770

Poems
Another one falls
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67892

Sweet Sorrow
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67892

Once again please let me know what you think. Thank you

 

[PaulX35]

A few hard comments

Hi CJS6,

You seem to have posted your whole oeuvre here, which puts a bit of stress on those who will normally comment on story-work here. As far as I know the general rule is that you post one story for feedback, but I might be wrong.

Looking at one story is what I did; I'm sorry but I don't find the time to do them all

Dark Night is what I looked at. First of all I think you'd want to make a choice as to the tense you wish to write in. You start in present tense, then move to past tense without real reason. Personally I prefer past tense for dream-like stories, but if your style is capturing enough there's nothing wrong with present either. I wouldn't do both, though as it kept me wondering if I missed a clue somewhere that would explain the tense-switch.

Your story is very narrative in style: not too much direct conversation, which usually makes a story catchier. You may want to look at that again, as I don't think your style of writing is tight enough at this moment to warrant this strongly indirect style.

I also kept feeling in search of a real story-line. I am told the guy is hunting for elk, and is apparently experienced in it. The moment however he sees elk come by he doesn't shoot them, which is fine with me from a general animal-loving perspective, but it doesn't really make sense to me in the story, unless I missed something.
Then he runs into this girl, and for me she sort of literally fell out of the air. Okay, it's a dream, but I'm never given a real clue where this switch from reality to fantasy takes place, leaving me with a bit of a tricked feeling in the end: like I didn't read it well. The story simply has no logical line that the reader can hold on to. Look at this, as a matter of example:

The closer I got to my camp, the more vivid shadows dancing off the trees that surround my camper became. “Great, one of my friends must be there”, “can’t wait to tell them of my encounter tonight”. As I emerge from the dark forest, I see a single person by the fire, and wonder to myself, “who that could be”?

If you make us believe he is expecting to see a friend at the camp, it does not really make sense to make him wonder "who could that be?" (with question mark, by the way). It leaves the reader puzzled.

With two hundred yards to go, I can feel the strain of the three-mile hike. My body aches and I’m exhausted, but the thought of a stranger in my camp forces me to quicken my pace.

You've told us he's been doing hunting for 16 years. A three-mile hike doesn't look like something impossible to handle then. So, your story-line is not really credible, again.

As I merge from the shadows of the twilight into the glimmering light of the fire, my eyes fill with tears. Shivers of elation course through my body! Frozen in my tracks, I yell her name, unconscious of the sounds escaping my mouth.

When imagining a guy who hunt elk with a crossbow, I'm imagining a mr. Marlboro type of guy. He wouldn't be exhausted from a three-mile hike, but sure as hell he wouldn't start crying at this moment. Your main character is undergoing such a change that it leaves the reader merely wonder if he maybe hasn't got it. This is, I'm sorry to say, not convincing at all in terms of character development. It's adding emotion the wrong way, and at an illogical moment, and I simply wasn't buying it.

So basically you have alienated your reader before even one piece of clothing has been removed, and that's not what you'd want with this upbeat to the hotter parts, right?

Frozen in my tracks, I yell her name, unconscious of the sounds escaping my mouth.

Apart from the fact that this is the second time "unconscious sounds are escaping from his mouth" (and why, I ask myself?), we are rather suddenly informed he seems to know her name.

She looks around startled for a moment and then, as her eyes adjust to the form standing just outside the light of the fire, she stands and runs to me.

Why is she startled? Later on it seems she was looking for him, so expecting to find him here, not?

Before I can drop my pack or lay down my bow, she is upon me. Her arms holding me tightly, she kisses me passionately.

We are completely in the dark as a reader what the hell is happening here, you know....So why a passionate kiss from a woman who was startled seconds ago?

Breaking the kiss, “when and how did you get here?” I ask.
This is a very weird construct of a sentence.
“An hour ago”, she replied and went on to explain how she had called one of my friends from the airport, and that he had safely delivered her to my camp.
One of the friends he had expected to be there at the camp? This leaves the reader puzzled, for me on the verge of becoming irritated. I'm simply not getting it.

Not being able to stay, he showed her around the campsite, opened the camper with his spare key, started the fire and left.

As I walked her to the camper, she said, “I have missed you so much that I had to be with you, I couldn’t stand being away from you any longer”.

Ok, if this was apparently her intention, for whatever reason unknown to us, then why was there apparently a plan that the other guy would stay? I'm totally lost meanwhile, and frankly anything happening thereafter leaves me unconvinced.

“You are never away from me, you live in my dreams and in my heart, and now before me my dreams have come true”.

An extremely romantic thing to say. But you've not given us anything so far to make this sort of statement credible in any way, I think.

Embracing her tightly, we kissed, her hand traveling down to the front of my pants and she lightly strokes me. A moan escaped my mouth as our kiss deepened.

I may meanwhile have become overly critical, but when you leave me so puzzled I feel myself starting to nit-pick: a girl who travelled by plane to get to this man, who has tears in his eyes from seeing her. These two would kiss for hours, and not do this as their first act of intimacy.

Pulling away, “Honey, I need a shower, want to take one with me”? “You have a shower up here”, she asked. “Never leave home without it”, I replied.

This is such a weird contrast with the atmosphere you attempted to create in the lines before, that I'm passing meanwhile, sorry. I read through the rest, but I never got into any atmosphere that would, I think belong in a story like this.

I'm sorry I'm so hard on you, but I think you have to first form yourself a basic, logical idea of what you wish to write about, and how you work from start to finish to make this a story that draws in the reader, makes him feel the atmosphere you wish to communicate to us. And you simply don't do that, not in any way. Your story is a bit of a muddle of loose threads, that neither tangle or entangle, that neither explain nor excite, that leave your reader entirely puzzled and unconvinced of the credibility of anything that is taking place.
Okay, it's a dream, but even a dream-story should possess an intrinsic logic, and I'm sorry to say I wasn't able to find any of that.

Writing is not easy, and it's always easier to criticize than it is to write. But before you ask us to feedback on a whole oeuvre, you may want to form yourself a picture on what it is you wish us to be enchanted by as a reader. As I wasn't able to grasp that from the one story I read, sorry....

 

[CJS6]

PaulX35

I really appreciate your comment, I did not take them the wrong way! I dont believe you were to hard on me at all!
I do understand your points of view, and will take your advice and use them. I believe that the only way a person can give what the reader whats is to understand the basic's and skills of writing of which I dont have, YET!

Once again thank you!

CJ

 

[CJS6]

To whom it may concern

Not knowing the basic's of posting, I was over zealous and posted eveything I have. I apologize for this!

CJ

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Endless

I read "Endless", and I think your heart is in the right place, but your mind...maybe not. What I mean is, I think you write from emotion without considering whether the plot or the character's actions really justifies or explains these emotions.

The man and the woman know each other from chatting on the net. She's married. He calls her cold when he gets to her town and she drops everything, gets dolled up fantastically (doesn't her husband wonder where she's going dressed like that?), and they share a night of rather conventional sex that is apparently so fantastic that she decides the next morning to dump her husband and her life to run away with this guy. It just doesn't wash for me. I just don't believe it.

You are a very romantic writer and I think you get carried away with your own romantic notions which tend to lead you to ignore reality. After dinner in the restaurant, he takes her out in the parking lot and performs cunnilingus on the hood of his car with her. I can see all these cars coming and going, headlights sweeping over them while he's sticking his head under her skirt. It's a very romantic notion, but, again, betrayed by what we know of restaurant parking lots.

You also need some editing/proofreading help. You should also--in my opinion--learn the conventions about using quotations. Normally every time a new person speaks they're given a new paragraph. This helps the rteader keep track of who's talking. There were several times when I couldn't tell who was speaking. And the scene on the cell phone at the end was totally incomprehensible to me. I think you were trying to have him talking over her as she was trying to tell him that she loved him, but it didn't work at all. And again, this is a gimmick you see in B comedies that just rings false. It wouldn't happen in real life.

Finally, you have to avoid each and every cliche that comes to you like the plague. "highways and byways", "swaying to the rhythm", etc. etc. are traps that may seem convenient, but that destroy your writing.

I think what you have to do is really examine what you know about love and life and try and find a story to tell that's true, honest, and meaningful. It probably won't be dripping with romance and it may not have a happy ending, but you'll find that one truth you manage to tease out by yourself is worth a whole cart load of someone else's cliches.

---dr.M.

 

[CJS6]

dr_mabeuse

dr_mabeuse,

The fantasy realm that I write about is indeed just that. Most of the writers that I have spoken to use real life occurences when it comes to the actual sex scenes. What I'm trying to say is, the situation in the parking lot is and was a real. I do appreciate the rest of your comments, I look forward to improving my writing skills.


CJ

 

[sirhugs]

I took a quock look at " Misty Mountains". Your link is wrong- it also leads to " endless".

You have a nice imagination but need to work on structure and grammar.

You jump from past to present tense- a major flaw. You have multiple speakers of dialogue in one paragraph- a lesser but real flaw.

You fall into the trap of novice writers ( one I get acused of ) of telling, not showing. More dialogue would help you there, and improve the readability. remembeer, internet readers scan by the screenfull, not word for word. the visual look and feel is important.

I felt cheated at the end. The sex was too brief, it felt like an afterthought. The ending seemed hurried. I was unsatisfied.

I'm sorry I haven't time to do specific comments, which I know would help more.

I suggest using a volunteer editor. You have a good imagination, and use descriptive vocabulary well. Although there is much room to improve, it is worth the effort.

 

[CJS6]

sirhugs

A novice I am, but with guidence I believe that someday I will be able to post a story that will be clear, imaginative and enjoyable to read. Thank you for your input!

CJ

 

[sirhugs]

Re: sirhugs

A novice I am, but with guidence I believe that someday I will be able to post a story that will be clear, imaginative and enjoyable to read. Thank you for your input!

CJ

Oh, this one was enjoyable- i just think you can do better!

 

[CJS6]

sirhugs

Thank you, I will do better in time!

CJ