Feedback appreciated

[1sickbastard]

.....

 

[IreneElwood]

Hi!

There are several grammar and spelling errors, which are distracting.

I would take a look at how much of this story is background/setup versus how much is actual "sexy stuff"--it seems to me that very little is the latter. Some build-up would be nice, because it's a little hard to believe that this Sunday school teacher would suddenly want to fellate a teenage boy. Maybe she could flirt with him over the course of several weeks. Also, the description of the BJs could be much longer.

Nice work and hot idea!

 

[1sickbastard]

Hi!

There are several grammar and spelling errors, which are distracting.

I would take a look at how much of this story is background/setup versus how much is actual "sexy stuff"--it seems to me that very little is the latter. Some build-up would be nice, because it's a little hard to believe that this Sunday school teacher would suddenly want to fellate a teenage boy. Maybe she could flirt with him over the course of several weeks. Also, the description of the BJs could be much longer.

Nice work and hot idea!

Damn, I thought I'd gotten all the spelling and grammar errors.

Would it be too much trouble if I asked you to have another look?
I believe I've made the necessary corrections.

I did consider working more background, but as I said, the point for me was to not get bogged down. It's the background and build up that usually gets me bogged down.
I'll have another look. Maybe a rewrite is in order.

And THANK YOU for taking the time to read as well as the effort to give me your feedback.

It is appreciated more than words can properly express.

 

[DarkPleasures]

As others will mention, too, you're in the wrong forum. This is for feedback on stories submitted to Lit already. If someone wants "help" or an opinion on what they've been writing, I think the limit is either three or four paragraphs.

 

[Kitty]

The transitions from church teacher to slut were a bit rushed but it's fantasy. My eyebrows did curl a little bit at how fast everything was happening but it still created a decent image for me. For <2,500 words I did wordcounter and it is only 1,203. Maybe use those extra words to prolong the transitions and add in more sexy and not rush to the sex. Also the grammar, there are a few mistakes here and there. Punctuation helps a lot with the structure, and the speed for the reader to slow it down and make it more erotic for them.

 

[Kitty]

Damn, I thought I'd gotten all the spelling and grammar errors.

Would it be too much trouble if I asked you to have another look?
I believe I've made the necessary corrections.

I did consider working more background, but as I said, the point for me was to not get bogged down. It's the background and build up that usually gets me bogged down.
I'll have another look. Maybe a rewrite is in order.

And THANK YOU for taking the time to read as well as the effort to give me your feedback.

It is appreciated more than words can properly express.

I hope you have this copy-written though. Since you put the whole thing down.

 

[lovecraft68]

A lot of adverbs and the tense was wrong a couple of times.

I like the humor "go go gadget conversation skills" is a good line

I don;t think the back ground was too long, but you barely touched on the blow job.

This is a young kid getting sucked off by a smoking hot cougar....give it its due! Also even young and nervous would have cum that quick a second time? Wouldn't she have let him finger her up her skirt so she could get off?

You paint he as an unsatisfied woman with a boring as hell hubby. Cougars go after young men not just because they have quick "turnaround time" and are enthusiastic but because they follow orders and are eager to please. I think she would have had him get her off. If she wanted a one way experience she would be okay with hubs.

Just my take.

I do like that premise....I did a couple of PK's in my day, but never the mom....hmm.....

 

[lovecraft68]

I hope you have this copy-written though. Since you put the whole thing down.

Copyright does no good here. In the US unless you have a formal copyright you are up shit's creek and even with one it takes a long time and money to take someone to court.

The net is a shopping cart and anything, a story, video clip, picture, painting, you put on a site like this is up for grabs.

 

[1sickbastard]

Great feedback y'all.
Adverbs & tense errors...good to know.

 

[PennLady]

I hope you have this copy-written though. Since you put the whole thing down.

Anyone has copyright when they create something. However, that won't do you any good. You can file for formal copyright, which can help in some cases. Once something's been put out there for free, there's not much you can do.

 

[IreneElwood]

You're very welcome!

Spelling and grammar look better. A couple things jump out: in the first sentence, that should be "when one has very devout parents" not "when one have." "Makeup" is one word or is hyphenated. The ampersands (&) should be written out as the word "and." Just a few things here and there!

 

[1sickbastard]

You're very welcome!

Spelling and grammar look better. A couple things jump out: in the first sentence, that should be "when one has very devout parents" not "when one have." "Makeup" is one word or is hyphenated. The ampersands (&) should be written out as the word "and." Just a few things here and there!

Indeed.
I've been going through and doing a bit of rewriting.
In addition, I've secured an editor.

Again, much appreciation for y'all giving it a look.

Thank you.