Feedback appreciated: The Key to Me

[bailadora]

I published my first story on Lit, The Key to Me on 6/11, and it seems to have been fairly well received for a first effort. 4400 views with a 4.76 rating. The comments have also been positive.

I hadn't anticipated writing a sequel, but it seems as if a dam has broken and I can't get these people off my mind!

I'm looking for constructive criticism on the first story so I can keep it in mind as I write the next, although who knows how long that will take. The Key to Me started out as a quick vignette I wrote in 2011 during a bout of insomnia.

Positives: Those who commented seemed to appreciate the care put into exploring the headspace of the characters.

Negatives: I need to learn how to avoid head hopping.

Beyond that, I'd appreciate any other ideas you may have regarding flow, dialogue, character development, scene setting (too much, too little?), and anything else you might notice.

Thanks in advance.

(In case it isn't obvious, the title is a hyperlink that will take you directly to the story,)

 

[yukonnights]

First and foremost; I've already made it pretty clear that I loved this story. In a small effort to possibly address those comments you got that had some complaint — and to get the ball rolling, here's a couple of thoughts.

But I want to make it clear that I personally did not have any trouble knowing who was who as the story unfolded.

1. El que algo quiere, algo le cuesta.

Her mother's favorite dicho floated through her mind. Literally translated, it meant "He who wants something, something it will cost him." In order to reach the goal, she'd have to accept the risk. She turned the handle and opened the door.


I really like this as a way to bring in racial diversity and have used it myself. To keep it from being a potential head-hop moment for some you might craft this a bit differently;

El que aigo quire, algo cuesta — Mama's favorite dicho made Dora smile. Yes Mama, 'He who wants something, something it will cost him.' In order to reach the goal, she'd have to accept the risk. She turned the handle and opened the door.

2. He was turning her on without moving a muscle on that delicious body. If she didn't get her jangling nerves under control, she was going to disappoint them both. Not exactly a world crisis, but damn it, she wanted this to work.

In this instance you're still in 'her head' so to make it more clear, do what you did for the most part throughout the story — use the appropriate pronoun early in the phrase;

She felt her arousal build even as he stood passive, not moving a muscle on that delicious body.…

***

Like I said, I didn't experience any confusion myself. But if you can make it more clear it can never hurt. Just as aside; I've experimented with forgoing speech tags and using a lot of interior dialogue — wait until you try to do it with two females or two men The use of he and she in a two person scene is much easier seems the key is to use the pronouns as soon as possible in the sentence to avoid a moment of floundering while reading.

 

[bailadora]

Thanks for the perspective, Yukon. Can you clarify something for me? It's my understanding that head hopping also occurs when switching from the POV of one character to another within a disturbingly short period of time.

At least based upon what I've read, the conventional wisdom is that it's best to stay with one character for at least a few paragraphs before switching to another so the reader doesn't get a mental whiplash. Switching points of view between characters from one paragraph to the next and then back again seems to be frowned upon, and it would seem this is an area of improvement for me, although I'm glad you had no trouble keeping track.

Thoughts?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks for the perspective, Yukon. Can you clarify something for me? It's my understanding that head hopping also occurs when switching from the POV of one character to another within a disturbingly short period of time.

At least based upon what I've read, the conventional wisdom is that it's best to stay with one character for at least a few paragraphs before switching to another so the reader doesn't get a mental whiplash. Switching points of view between characters from one paragraph to the next and then back again seems to be frowned upon, and it would seem this is an area of improvement for me, although I'm glad you had no trouble keeping track.

Thoughts?

I think you can switch in reasonably short blocks provided you have a very explicit signifier of some sort, showing that you've done so. The problems arise, I think, when writers don't know they're switching - which happens a lot, I reckon.

 

[NotWise]

I think you can switch in reasonably short blocks provided you have a very explicit signifier of some sort, showing that you've done so. The problems arise, I think, when writer's don't know they're switching - which happens a lot, I reckon.

I think that the way you transition between different points of view makes a difference. I often switch POV during sex scenes to whoever is initiating. No-one has ever commented on it.

My most recent story has a scene in which I intentionally switch POVs, starting with two high school girls watching and talking about two boys. They see one of the boys lean over a table to say something, and the POV switches to the boys conversation. It's pretty seamless.

Head hopping has bothered me when there's no action that focuses attention on the character who receives the POV. The change is too abrupt.

 

[SimonDoom]

This story is very well-written. Within two paragraphs I was hooked by the writing. The sentences are complex and they vary in their length and form. Your vocabulary is excellent. I especially liked the way you dived right into the characters' feelings. It held my interest because of that.

Re head-hopping: This is a complex issue, in my opinion, because I have written head-hopping stories and I will steadfastly defend having chosen to do so, even though I do not usually do so.

I've had trouble getting a good definition of head-hopping, but I'd define it this way: It's the artless and/or confusing switching of point of view from one character to another within a scene.

You don't start this story as a head-hopping story. For the first two scenes, set off by strings of asterisks, you switch POV only at the change in scene. This is the normal way to do it. This is not head hopping.

But at the end of scene 3 you switch suddenly from Dora's POV to Derek's, and I found it just a bit disorienting. From this point forward you head hop. You switch from one character's POV to the other's at will.

i've done this, too, in my incest story Late Night on the Loveseat with Mom, where I think it was the right thing to do, and in my own BDSM story In the Hallway, which is more analogous to yours. I think the technique worked in both those stories, so I can't categorically object to doing it this way.

In the case of your story, I think I would have switched POVs only at the scene breaks. I think it would have worked better because it takes the reader out of the story just a little to switch back and forth between character POVs.

But even with the switching it's a good story, very well written, and I wish you good luck in writing more stories.

 

[bailadora]

I think you can switch in reasonably short blocks provided you have a very explicit signifier of some sort, showing that you've done so. The problems arise, I think, when writer's don't know they're switching - which happens a lot, I reckon.

Thanks, Blue. I was aware that I was switching, but I think perhaps I didn't give enough justification for the switch, as Wise describes below.

I think that the way you transition between different points of view makes a difference. I often switch POV during sex scenes to whoever is initiating. No-one has ever commented on it.

My most recent story has a scene in which I intentionally switch POVs, starting with two high school girls watching and talking about two boys. They see one of the boys lean over a table to say something, and the POV switches to the boys conversation. It's pretty seamless.

Head hopping has bothered me when there's no action that focuses attention on the character who receives the POV. The change is too abrupt.

I looked up story in question, and that is a truly clever way to switch POVs. And I see the point about needing an action to focus the attention. Thanks for the tip.

This story is very well-written. Within two paragraphs I was hooked by the writing. The sentences are complex and they vary in their length and form. Your vocabulary is excellent. I especially liked the way you dived right into the characters' feelings. It held my interest because of that.

Re head-hopping: This is a complex issue, in my opinion, because I have written head-hopping stories and I will steadfastly defend having chosen to do so, even though I do not usually do so.

I've had trouble getting a good definition of head-hopping, but I'd define it this way: It's the artless and/or confusing switching of point of view from one character to another within a scene.

You don't start this story as a head-hopping story. For the first two scenes, set off by strings of asterisks, you switch POV only at the change in scene. This is the normal way to do it. This is not head hopping.

But at the end of scene 3 you switch suddenly from Dora's POV to Derek's, and I found it just a bit disorienting. From this point forward you head hop. You switch from one character's POV to the other's at will.

i've done this, too, in my incest story Late Night on the Loveseat with Mom, where I think it was the right thing to do, and in my own BDSM story In the Hallway, which is more analogous to yours. I think the technique worked in both those stories, so I can't categorically object to doing it this way.

In the case of your story, I think I would have switched POVs only at the scene breaks. I think it would have worked better because it takes the reader out of the story just a little to switch back and forth between character POVs.

But even with the switching it's a good story, very well written, and I wish you good luck in writing more stories.

Thank you for the compliment, Simon, as well as the detailed analysis. The switching made sense to *me*, but I suspect that's because I'm in both of their heads.

After reading about head hopping, I was concerned the abrupt shifting was going to effect the reader, so thank you for being honest about that. As a first time author, I'm comforted to know it wasn't AS bad as I initially feared, though.

My sincerest thanks to all who have provided feedback. Back to writing I go!

 

[yukonnights]

Thanks for the perspective, Yukon. Can you clarify something for me? It's my understanding that head hopping also occurs when switching from the POV of one character to another within a disturbingly short period of time.

At least based upon what I've read, the conventional wisdom is that it's best to stay with one character for at least a few paragraphs before switching to another so the reader doesn't get a mental whiplash. Switching points of view between characters from one paragraph to the next and then back again seems to be frowned upon, and it would seem this is an area of improvement for me, although I'm glad you had no trouble keeping track.

Thoughts?

I'm sorry for the delayed response — I didn't see your question until just now.

I've written several stories with the primary goal being to make the story more immediate and immersive to the readers. I'd say all of these have a more rapid POV change than the average story. I mentioned up front in those stories that this is a new style for me and requested comments on how it worked for them, etc. What I have seen by the comments and scoring is that most people either; 1. Didn't even notice it 2. Some mentioned some confusion at first but after a few paragraphs or so figured out what I was doing. 3. The most pleasing and surprising were the ones who said things like; Couldn't stop reading until the end. A page turner, etc.

What I have learned is that people really do read differently. While I suspect many didn't like it and just baked out before the end to comment — I have no way of knowing how many. Also, this is probably true for most stories. I also have a wisp of a belief that young readers are more prone to the faster action than those who are older ( I have no way of validating this, but just based on the current typical YA stories it temps me to think this is true.)

I think you're already seeing the pros and cons of this style with your own story. My conclusion is; It's a valid creative style. It's more immersive and immediate in it's delivery. I enjoy writing this way as it gives me the opportunity to reach into more emotions and thought, which is one of my favorite parts of writing.

I've also discovered this works best when; 1. There are limited characters, and 2. The use of same gender characters makes it harder because you loose the use of pronouns to keep track of who's head your in — thus needing to use proper names in an unnatural way (note: This is speaking more about dialogue, but even in interior dialogue starting each shift with a name can get too noticeable if the shifts are every couple of sentences.)

In summary; I do not think that a strict adherence of keeping to one POV for "longer number of paragraphs" is a rule that must be followed. IMO, if I want my story to read as if it's all happening in the moment; I will use first person POV with quick changes between the characters dialogue and interior thoughts/feeling. Also an opinion, once I've made it clear early in the POV change which character is now center stage — I do not consider that to be head hoping.

In all fairness; some readers and authors disagree with most of what I've said here. But like any art, I think innovation and experimentation are part of the fun. (I once played my guitar for almost a year with only five strings and a wildly unusual alternate tuning — some of my favorite recordings came from that. And the experimental stories too are some of my favorites.)

Hope something in this ramble is encouraging even if it wasn't very helpful.