Feedback Appreciated for "Time and Distance"
- Thread starter McKenna
- Start date
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
If you want to keep will, then you could try moving down one line. And you don't need to cap each line.
It's seems we are destined
to long for those
whose paths and will
lay far removed from our own.
Impossibility hovers,
and still we pursue
the elusive rainbows of our imagination.
It's seems we are destined
to long for those
whose paths and will
lay far removed from our own.
Impossibility hovers,
and still we pursue
the elusive rainbows of our imagination.
OT
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2002
- Posts
- 893
it feels wordy. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to use less words, but maybe look again at which words you use and how you use them.
"unanswered questions" appears in the first and again in the second stanza.
"heart" appears twice in the first stanza. and again a couple times later.
Look for repeated words and see if maybe the sentiments can be combined, or sometimes just drop the word. For example:
"Though my heart will yearn" can easily become "Though I will yearn"
Another way to squeeze it a little tighter it to make it less passive.
Instead of "And yet with tenderness...", "and when distance"
drop the "and"'s and jump right in and say what you want to say.
Other tightening might include:
"And yet with tenderness I would approach"
becomes
"I would approach with tenderness ..."
"And when distance and time catch up with us"
could be
"when distance and time catch us"
My own rule is that every word needs to be there on purpose. If things are worded "inefficiently" for a specific rhythm or flowing feel, then cool. If the intent was to express a thought -- then tighter is usually better.
(this is a pretty wordy post advocating less wordiness
)
Of course all the above is opinion and food for thought.
Your poem is your own.
"unanswered questions" appears in the first and again in the second stanza.
"heart" appears twice in the first stanza. and again a couple times later.
Look for repeated words and see if maybe the sentiments can be combined, or sometimes just drop the word. For example:
"Though my heart will yearn" can easily become "Though I will yearn"
Another way to squeeze it a little tighter it to make it less passive.
Instead of "And yet with tenderness...", "and when distance"
drop the "and"'s and jump right in and say what you want to say.
Other tightening might include:
"And yet with tenderness I would approach"
becomes
"I would approach with tenderness ..."
"And when distance and time catch up with us"
could be
"when distance and time catch us"
My own rule is that every word needs to be there on purpose. If things are worded "inefficiently" for a specific rhythm or flowing feel, then cool. If the intent was to express a thought -- then tighter is usually better.
(this is a pretty wordy post advocating less wordiness
)Of course all the above is opinion and food for thought.
Your poem is your own.
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