Feedback, Anyone?

[NCmVoyeur]

My last three stories have garnered combined 3 pieces of feedback (not counting one off-the-wall one that wasn't feedback). They are also (measured from last place) 4th, 2nd, and 6th in their respective categories.)

Has anyone read these? Any constructive comments?


Postcard from San Juan http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=8813

Reminiscences
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=8815

Six Miles on I-95
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=9237

 

[nitengale]

Six Miles on I-95

I read this one, and actually enjoyed it! A change of pace reading, and quite honestly this is how my head works most days. I guess I could relate to this guy well.

 

[Persephone]

Ruled by rut...

I read this interesting, well-written tale and thought it epitomized the struggle of a man torn between the constraints imposed by modern society and the demands of his biology. Testosterone is Destiny whether in the cave or in a Lexus.

(Now may I proceed freely with my diatribe as to why men should be kept as sexual pets, passed freely among women in a matriarchal society?)

; ) Persephone

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Toss Me a Bone . . .

and I'll lick you affectionately. (Woof). There's a story line in there somewhere.

 

[circe!]

Yep...

As well as you portrayed the female mindset in Atonement you exceeded that in this story's portrayal of the male. I also, as did Persephone, found it to be a story that exactly captured the zeitgeist of our modern world. Here is a man with the picture-perfect life. Here is a man who is a SUCCESS within our social structure. He has all the accoutrements of status and social privilege and yet he is guided by the same biological imperative that ruled his cave-dwelling ancestors. Here is a man of intellect and rational who is still a prisoner of testosterone. He does not want to be, he hates it, he feels guilt, but he is powerless. Ruled by Rut, as Persephone alliterationally said.

I had no trouble following the jumps from flashback to present. It proved very effective in humanizing this “terrible adulterer,” in allowing him to be understood and even sympathized with. I especially appreciated the tug of war between his intelligence and his sex drive. I was intrigued by how, even in the throes of that sex drive, he made so many intelligent observations. (Now I’m going to be wondering if brunettes really are muskier than blondes!)

You’re also letting yourself go on the erotic scenes. I mean that your descriptions are getting more passionate, more earthy and sensual. It’s good.

It also was wonderful to read a story written by a man, with a male character, in which there is no clichéd, monotonous, ridiculous description of male genitalia. I despise that! I won’t even read a story like that!

Nice job, NCV!

circe!

P.S.... I'm intrigued by the Men as Sexual Pets initiative, P!

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Re: Yep...

It also was wonderful to read a story written by a man, with a male character, in which there is no clichéd, monotonous, ridiculous description of male genitalia. I despise that!

Oh. Didn't you catch that 'Six Miles' was metaphor for his penis length?

 

[circe!]

hmmmm...

The guy shoulda driven further...

 

[bluntforcemama]

I think I'll need to go spend some quality time with my new vibrator.... How's that for feedback?

 

[NCmVoyeur]

I think I'll need to go spend some quality time with my new vibrator.... How's that for feedback?

Pretty good. Though puzzling in a way, since my stories aren't exactly designed as 'stroke' pieces. But, hey, if they work that well for you, I'll pay for the next set of batteries.

 

[genderbender]

Like your work...

Has anyone read these? Any constructive comments?

At your invitation I just read all three stories. I appreciate your versatility in presenting three such stylistically different stories. I enoyed them all. I'll begin by saying your writing is very good. But I'll take your question as serious and make note of some things that could use attention, IMHO.

On occasion your constructions become awkward and overly wordy. You might want to reflect on your use of the word "which" as in -


They had been window-shopping,
slowly walking off the dinner which
they had finished more than an hour earlier.


The thought could be conveyed more simply, as -

"They had been window-shopping, slowly walking off the dinner they'd finished more than an hour earlier."

I also use a contraction for "they had" in the second usage, with the intention both of avoiding redundancy and increasing informality. In my opinion such informality makes writing more accessible, less like a term paper.

(This and other examples are taken from Postcard from San Juan.)

Here are a couple of examples of awkward sentence construction.


The months of seemingly endless
preparations had taken its toll on
both of them. (But that preoccupation
had one advantage, he thought to himself: it occasionally took his mind
off [dwelling too much] on
the wedding night!)

"Yet his absorption in these plans had one distinct advantage, he mused: it released his mind, if only for a few moments, from its obsession ( or preoccupation) with the wedding night!"

Adding the word "obsession" in place of "dwelling too much" helps the sentence flow better. And use of the word absorption in the beginning of the sentence frees up the word preoccupation should you wish to use it at the end of the sentence. Obsession is a pretty intense word, one you may not wish to use in this instance. Preoccupation feels like a less intense word to me. Whatever you want.


Or -

...a delightful view of her (matching)
lacy black bra over (a slightly tanned chest)

I don't know how "matching" helps in this context and wonder at your finding delight in "a slightly tanned chest." Perhaps you had something in mind more like this -

"a delightful view of tanned breasts, just visible above the delicate lacy edge of her black bra."


Or -

The flags which adorned the path
leading [up to it] and the floodlights
which illuminated [portions of it]
[gave it] an almost castle-like
appearance against the evening darkness

This construction is clunky, in part as a result your repeated use of "which," as well as references to "it." Here's another possibility -

"The flags adorning the path leading up toward the structure and floodlights illuminating its flanks (or features) gave it an almost castle-like appearance against the deepening darkness of the evening."


I'm an amateur writer much like yourself and appreciate your efforts. I like the fact these aren't what you refer to as "stroke pieces." I'm aware that many of the stories I've submitted to this site could use more work. In fact, all of them were created as "stroke pieces" for my own enjoyment rather than for a wider audience. I'm not trying to present myself as some sort of expert. In fact, I read your stories and have been reading other authors as well, to improve my own skills as a writer of erotica. I like your work and make my comments in a spirit of camaraderie. Good luck with your writing and I hope my comments are useful to you.

[Edited by genderbender on 03-01-2001 at 11:25 AM]

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Genderbender's Remarks

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. And feel free to critique boldly: I invite and welcome all feedback, positive or constructive.

I'm glad you selected "Postcard," for of all the stories I've written to date, that one has existed in the most obscurity. (It's #3 of 5 total; it think it suffers from 'middle child' syndrome.)

Pointing out my use of 'which' is very observant: my work requires a more 'technical' style of writing and my brain apparently doesn't completely shift out of that mode when I move to story writing. It's something to work on.

I'm still trying to get caught up on reading the works of the people who post to the board. I'll try to get to yours soon. If you have one in particular that hasn't received much attention, do point me to it.