Feedback: Angel in Darkness Chapter 1

FallenMorgan

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Hi, I would like feedback and possibly help with issues related to grammar and other stuff in general the fact my writing sucks a bit

YES, THIS STORY INVOLVES PARIS HILTON, DO NOT LEAVE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK BECAUSE OF THAT

I really would like feedback, the basic overlying storyline is my character (Who looks like This guy) meets paris hilton, a relationship begins in chapter 2, and blah blah blah

The character of Morgan is very heavily based off of me, my name is Morgan and the guy whom the character looks like is what I look like in my dreams, because the story is based sorta on daydreams

Please comment and not any shit about how it involves Paris Hilton

I'd like edits and stuff before I submit this to literotica stories or w/e

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It was the middle of January, it was a rather cold day, the sky was overcast and my heart was cold like the weather. It had always been like that, up untill the events that would occur that day. I felt as though I had little to live for, except one girl, my angel, Paris Hilton, although I knew I would never be with her, my dreams of her kept me going in hard times.

I walked out of a store at the Paseo Colorado Mall in Pasadena, I couldn‛t remember what store exactly, my memory of some names had since faded away to some extent. I suddenly saw her, Paris Hilton, I wondered why the hell she was in crappy little Pasadena, the area I lived in was crap, but yet Pasadena, especially the mall, looked very simmilar to Beverly Hills in some aspects. I darted into a restroom, too nervous to even look at her, I loved her so much, but knew she would immediately walk away when I just tried to talk to her. I was too creepy looking for her to even give me a chance, with my ear-length straight black hair and black clothes, along with the fact I was five-foot-nine and skinny. I was basically the typical "Emo" type, girls didn‛t really like me back then, but yet even though one side of me thought she would laugh in my face, another side thought she was a sweet nice girl.

I walked out of the restroom, looking straight ahead, seeing Paris nowhere. I felt so sad that I may have missed my chance, but then I looked to my left, and saw her looking in a window, just a few feet from me! I felt panicked, my heart stopped, finally, I just sucked it up and did what I had always wanted to do. . .

"Um. . .Hi," I said, sweating, although it was cold, "I‛m. . .Morgan"

"Hi," She said, "You want like an autograph or something Morgan?"

"Um. . .no thanks," I said, "I‛ve always wanted to uh. . .meet you". I almost felt like punching myself, because I sounded more creepy than I looked.

"Thats nice", She said, rather unexpectedly, "I have some like extra free time maby we can eat somewhere or something"

"Um. . .sure, I guess. . .yeah," I blurted out nervously. I wondered why the hell she was even bothering with me, I was just some obsessed 19 year old Emo kid. I thought perhaps she was doing this out of pitty for me, I wasn‛t to sure.

She giggled a little bit, with a cute smile on her face. "Okay, lets go then," She said, cutely.

We went to some restaurant, I forget the name, but it had a somewhat "sports bar" apnosphere to it. It was a bit noisy, but for some reason it didn‛t seem to bother me, it was being around Paris Hilton that bothered me, because she made me very nervous, I had wanted to meet her since I was 14, and that long I had deep feelings of love for her.

"What do ya wanna get?," She asked me, looking at me with her pretty blue eyes. Even though they were contact lenses they still looked very beautiful.

The waitress walked to the table, I couldn‛t decide what to get yet, but they usually just take drink orders first anyways. "Can I get you two anything to drink?," She asked.

"I‛ll have Coca-cola I guess," I said. Coca-Cola always calmed my nerves for some reason

"I‛ll have iced tea", Paris said.

The waitress wrote down our orders, and left. "I guess I‛ll get um. . .clam chowder or something", I said to Paris.

"You should get some more," She said, smiling, "Your real skinny".

"I like being skinny," I said quickly, making a retarded-looking nervous smile.

She made a cute smile again. I loved her smile, with those "pouty" lips she had, she just looked very cute when she smiled like that. Along with her beautiful, long, golden-blonde hair and her pink sweater and pants, she looked very beautiful.

"So like how did you originally start liking me and stuff?," She asked

"Well...," I said, "I used to think rather um. . .poorly of you. . .when I was like 13, but then for some reason I started liking you. . .um...and it kinda became a bit of a uh. . .crush on you".

"Thats sweet," She said, "So you‛ve had a crush on me since you were like 14?"

"Um. . .Yeah", I said, taking a sip of my coke to calm the nervousness I had.

"How many cokes have you had today?," She asked, looking at the quivering of the glass as my hand shook.

"Four. . .including this", I said, "It calms me down for some reason when I‛m nervous". Oh god I couldn‛t believe I said that, she knew I was a nervous wreck, and I thought she might just leave saying "seeya weirdo".

The waitress came to take our orders. I ordered the Clam Chowder, as I said before, and Paris ordered a Salad, I forget what kind specifically. "Don‛t be nervous," Paris said, "What are you nervous about?".

"I am nervous because I always wanted to meet you and stuff," I said, "I always like dreamed of meeting you". Fuck, I said that, I couldn‛t believe it, again, I thought I fucked up completely, but just like before, didn‛t.

"Dreamed about meeting me?," She asked sarcastically. I freaked out a bit, with a retarded expression on my face, she giggled. In reality my dreams of her were rather "nasty", but not like dreams that were the contents of some John Waters film, they were more like R-rated.

"Your funny," She said, smiling, "So you wanna go somewhere after lunch?".

"I don‛t know," I said

"Because theres this like party later," She said, "Wanna come?".

I was surprised she asked me to go to a party with her, I had never been to any sort of party at all, but yet I didn‛t want to lose my chance of getting to know the girl that had been my angel for so long. "Sure I guess," I said

"Cool," She said, "Ever been to one of those parties?".

"No," I said.

The waitress brought our food, saying a cheerful "enjoy your food" as she left. I took a spoonful of my soup, it was very good, considering I thought everything else had alcahol in it, due to the annoying sports bar apnosphere. We ate our lunch, and eventually we finished and walked out of the noisy resturant.

"So you wanna drive, Morgan?," She asked me as we got on the escalator down to the parking garage.

"Uh. . .you drive," I said, "I don‛t wanna screw up your car, I suck at driving"

"Okay," She said, "Except what about your car?".

"My sister dropped me off," I said, "Shes still here somewhere trying to ‛pick up chicks‛, I don‛t have a car myself really"

"Pick up chicks?", She asked, puzzled.

"Don‛t ask," I said, "Shes a lesbian, and she hates me"

"I don‛t think she hates you," She said

"She always makes fun of me. . .and you," I said.

As we were walking to her car, Paris slipped on a patch of wet concrete. I caught her before she could fall, I would hate to see her fall down and hurt herself. I looked down, nervously, and noticed that my hand was on her hip, I quickly helped her up with a panicked look on my face.

"What?", She asked, sarcastically, "Never touched a girl there before?"

"Um...uh...no," I said.

"Really?," She asked, "Thats kinda hard to believe, anyways, thanks for catching me"

"Your welcome," I said, "Yeah, why is that hard to believe?". I had a feeling she was hitting on me, or doing that to make me feel better, or both.

"Well your hot and nice and stuff," She said.

"I‛m not hot," I said, "I‛m emo, they‛re exact opposites"

"Don‛t be so emo," She said cutely, "Emo guys are kinda cute though".

I knew that was a lie, she liked generic "hot" guys like Justin Timberlake, not skinny emo guys like me. "Really?," I asked, trying to maby give myself atleast some false hope.

"Yeah," She said, "I‛m not really all that into tall muscular guys that much anyways, they usually just want to fuck once and tell all their friends about it, emo guys seem like they‛d maby be a bit more romantic or something, I‛ve never dated an ‛emo‛ guy though".

I had a feeling maby she wasn‛t making it up. We got in her car, and she gave me a cute smile before starting it up and driving out of the parking garage. We got on the freeway to go to Beverly Hills, the place I had always seen as some sort of shining city above the complete shit of the rest of LA. I almost felt "unworthy" in the back of my head, with Beverly Hills being the place for rich and famous people.

She parked infront of the nightclub, who‛s name I cannot remember, all I remember is it was frequented by Paris and her friends, meaning it could have been any nightclub really. "Lets go," She said.

We walked into the nightclub, it was rather noisy, and packed with people. We got a table and we sat down. "Its kinda noisy in here", I said, shouting a little bit.

"Yeah," She said.

I then realized that this was my only chance to get her to like me. "You wanna dance or something?", I asked, rather nervously.

"Sure," She said cheerfully, "I didn‛t think you‛d ask". She basically dragged me over to the dance floor. She started dancing, and I followed along, somewhat forgetting about how nervous I was as I danced with her. Suddenly, someone accidently bumped into Paris, knocking us both over in a sort of domino effect. She fell ontop of me, it was rather awkward, especially how she seemed to hesitate a bit as she slowly got off me.

She helped me up, smiling. "Thats hot," She said

"Yeah," I said, shocked, because I had never really been that "close" to a woman before.


"Wanna like get a VIP room or something?," She asked.

"Sure I guess," I said.

She got a VIP room, we walked in, there was a table, some chairs, a bed, thats all that I can seem to remember. "Want me to get some drinks or something?," She asked.

"Um. . .I‛ll have coca-cola", I said.

"Sure," She said. She left to get the drinks, I sad down, wondering a bit why she seemed to like me, it seemed odd, perhaps she was just doing this out of pitty for me. . .or maby she really liked me.

She came back with a can of coca-cola for me and a margarita for her. She set the coke down on the table, and took a sip from her margarita before setting it down too. "Dang you drink a lot of coke," She said, laughing a bit.

"Yeah I‛m a bit nervous," I said, "I drink coke when I get nervous".

"Don‛t be so nervous," She said, sitting on the bed, "Wanna come sit with me?"

"Sure", I said. I sat down on the bed, it was very comfortable. Paris scooted a little bit closer to me, for some reason then I felt less nervous seeing her beautiful smile.

"Ya know Morgan you shouldn‛t be so nervous", She said, "I know you‛ve always wanted to meet me and stuff but you shouldn‛t be so nervous"

"I‛m not that nervous now for some reason," I said

"Thats nice," She said, "Hey um. . .you want a lap dance?"

I can‛t believe she asked me that, it was odd. "Why do you wanna give me a lap dance?," I asked

"Well maby it‛ll make you less nervous," She said, "And like your probably my number one fan and stuff"

"No I‛m your number one male fan", I said, laughing, "I have a friend who would freak out if she met you"

"Oh really?," She asked sarcastically, "So do you want that lapdance?"

Being a guy, I wouldn‛t miss out on the chance, especially when it was Paris Hilton. "Sure," I said.

Paris sat down in my lap, with her ass just slightly above my crotch. She put her hands on my knees, slowly shaking her ass in my lap. I never thought I would get a lapdance from anyone let alone Paris Hilton. I loved her so much, but at the moment I was more in love with her angelic booty rather than her angelic voice, face, etc. Suddenly she turned around, putting her legs around my waist. Suddenly she locked lips with me, her soft, beautiful lips against mine, just as in my dreams. It wasn‛t some sort of romantic kiss, of coarse, that would come later. She put her hand on the back of my neck, and I did the same, caressing her silky, soft golden-blonde hair like I did in my dreams for so many years.

"Thats hot", She said as she withdrew from the liplock. She took off her jacket as she continued to swivel her ass in my lap as her long sexy legs were wrapped around my waist. "Its kinda hot in here", She said in an almost whispering tone as she took her shirt off, leaving only a black, lacey bra covering her breasts. I felt my dick getting hard at the sight of her with only a bra in person. I have seen her in her underwear before, not in that horrible video mind you, but I had never seen her like that in person.

"Wanna go back to my house?," She asked.

I knew what would happen, and as said I‛m a guy. "Sure I guess," I said.

"Okay", She said, putting her shirt and jacket back on, "Lets go".

We went back to her car, and got in. She started up the car, and looked down at my crotch briefly before pulling out into the street. We soon made it to her house, she pulled into the driveway. We got out of the car, and walked up the stairway leading to the door. Her house was very beautiful, although I believe it was a gift from that Latsis boy, although out of all her boyfriends he was the one I hated the least.

"Your house is very beautiful," I said, rather stupidly.

"Thanks," She said cutely. She opened the door and we walked in. I walked in the living room and sat down on the couch. "Can I get you anything to drink?," She asked cutely

"Um...No thanks," I said.

"No coke?," She asked sarcastically, "Well I‛ll get something". She walked in the kitchen, I turned on the tv. I went to the bathroom, all that coke made my bladder almost burst. When I came out of the bathroom, Paris was sitting on the couch with a glass of pepsi or something.

"Hi," She said as I sat down on the couch. She put her lips to the end of the drinking straw and took a sip from her drink, and then set it down on the table.

"Uh. . .Hi," I said, "You were pretty uh. . .hot at the nightclub there"

"Thanks," She said, "I can be hotter though"

She took a big sip from her drink before scooting over towards me more. Suddenly I felt her hand plunge down into my pants. She had a grip around the shaft of my dick, I freaked out a bit when that happened. "Its bigger than I thought it would be," She said, feeling around a bit more, "Are. . .Are you wearing a condom?". She giggled a bit as she felt it, I had put it on when I went to the bathroom earlier.

"Yeah," I said, "Why do you ask?".

"Well like you don‛t need one really," She said, "You said it yourself, you‛re a virgin, plus there are like birth control pills and stuff, you don‛t have to worry. . .wait. . .do you think your gonna get an STD or something?"

"No no no I don‛t think that," I blurted out. I never thought she had STDs or anything, I felt that it was all lies.

"Okay then," She said, "I trust you". She kissed me, releasing her grip around my dick, running her hands up my shirt, taking my shirt off. "Your so hot," She said. I didn‛t know why she would think I was hot, my chest wasn‛t very muscular and my stomach was somewhat flat and pale.

"You wanna maby go in your room," I said.

"Sure," She said. I followed her to her room, she closed the door behind her, and took off her jacket and shirt, leaving only that black lacey bra. I sat down on the very comfortable bed, taking off my pants, leaving my plain black boxer-shorts. She sat down next to me, placing her hand on my crotch again.

"You wanna see my tits?," She asked

"Yeah," I said

"Take off your shorts first and I‛ll let you see my tits," She said. I took off my shorts, and she got a huge smile on her face. "Its huge," She said, "How does such a small skinny guy get such a huge cock?"

"I don‛t know," I said, "What about your end of the deal there?"

"Oh sorry," She said, jokingly. She took off her bra, and I finally saw her breasts, just as I wanted to see for several years, I never thought I would see those. "I‛ll take the rest off if you let me um. . .have a taste," She said, licking her lips seductively, "Your dick is so big". I never thought it was as big as she said, it was six and a half inches long and perhaps two or so inches in diameter.

"It might not fit in your mouth," I said, rather stupidly, I just felt stupid saying that.

"We‛ll see," She said. She reached her head down to my crotch, where she grabbed my dick, wrapping her soft, beautiful lips around the head of it. Her head lightly bounced up and down in my lap. I felt like I was going to ejaculate, although I had a condom on, it would be nasty, plus I always heard that it kills the sex drive when you cum. I pulled her back up to eye level with me, she wrapped her arms around me, and kissed me. Thats one other reason as to why I wore the condom: if she "blew" me, I could still kiss her without any um. . .aftertaste.

She lightly pushed me over on my back, getting upright in my lap in a sort of "cowgirl" position. She took the condom off, jerking it briefly before pulling down her pants and underwear around her knees. She was now completely naked. . .she had a very wonderful body, just as in my dreams. It was much better than the mental image I had of her naked, she had the body of an angel.

"Ready Morgan?," She asked

"Yeah I guess," I said, sweating a bit as her soft hand stroked my dick. She stretched her legs over my hips, slowly lowering herself onto my dick. Finally she grabbed my dick, sticking the head of it into her tight pussy. She let out a moan, it sounded more cute than lusty, it sounded almost more like a puppy yelping noise than a porn star "Ohhhhhh!" type moan. I put one hand on one of her breasts, and another on her back, just above her ass. Her skin was very soft and beautiful, I couldn‛t express enough how wonderful she is.

"Your so hot, baby puffin" She moaned. I had been called baby puffin by a female friend of mine before, and that is what Holly Madison calls Hugh Hefner, along with Paris calling me that in my dreams. I never thought she would actually call me that, but I liked it, it sounded very cute. I pulled her down horizontally ontop of me, kissing her soft lips.

"It feels so good," She moaned silently as she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. I wanted to be gentle with her, because anything more "wild" would be a lot like the wretched "1 night in paris" video, it makes me sick just hearing that name.

I was a little too gentle though, she constantly wanted it harder, wilder, rougher, etc. "C‛mon Morgan stop being so gentle," She moaned, slightly irritated.

Suddenly I couldn‛t hold it in any longer, I had held it in for a whail now, I accidently ejaculated. My semen shot deep into her, and she let out a moan, tilting her head back a bit. "Sorry," I said, ashamed a bit at my "accident", although she seemed to like it.

"Don‛t be sorry," She said, "It feels so good". She rested her head on my shoulder, and I pulled out. She rolled off me, getting to the side of me on the bed. After making out for a whail we fell asleep, I was happy that I had her now. True love between us would come the next day, but then I didn‛t know that, I was just happy in the moment that my dreams finally came true. . .
 
I really don't know what to tell you. You use ellipses far too frequently (...).

Generally the elipse is used for an incomplete thought, or dialog.

"Honey, where did you put the..." My jaw dropped as I looked out the window and saw the neighbor standing topless in her backyard.

"I‛m. . .Morgan"

If you want to indicate a pause, use a dash. (I think it's actually called an em dash)

"I'm - Morgan."

The dialog and the plot seems very weak. It's really not interesting to read. I imagine as you wrote it and imagined yourself with Ms. Hilton, it was probably a lot more exciting.

Good luck.
 
Thank you for not saying "I hate shit about Paris slut hilton", but the thing with the . . . is because its sorta because my character is nervous and makes frequent pauses and stuff but um, thanks, if the story gets rejected I'll work on the diolouge and stuff perhaps

Also the story is divided into around 9 or 8 or so chapters, but generally I must say this though

:( my plot is weak :(

This version is like the 5th time I've rewritten it, took me forever, oh well... :(
 
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drk is right, but, IMHO, a bit harsh.

First, the ellipse (. . . ) is NEVER a pause. Use the em dash, or in dialog, things like,'err', 'oh', 'um' work well.

However, I think you get the nuance between the megastar and the hopeful guy pretty well - better than a lot of males writing fan fic.

But - there's always a but - drk is dead right about there being no plot. Why is Paris with you, has Justin blown her out, Britney is in rehab and not up to a girls night out? Why you?

Don't be discouraged, you're getting there.

Why be so defensive about Paris Hilton? She is a very attractive woman with little raw talent and lots of connections, who has made her way independently of her family and made her pile. Anyone who believes that she got there by being a dizzy blonde and not listening very hard to the publicity men must still believe in Santa Claus.

I may not like her, but I respect her.
 
elfin_odalisque said:
Why be so defensive about Paris Hilton?

Probably because this is what he said over in the AH (although he's edited it out now) when many of us remarked that Paris Hilton was as interesting as a blowup doll:

"For fucks sake first of all I love her second of all I don't do gross shit like BDSM with her third I hate hearing about her and other guys and how bout we all just shut up about the fact it has Paris Hilton"

no punctuation, and it just screams underage creepy stalker to me. Either that, or an alt.
 
cloudy said:
Probably because this is what he said over in the AH (although he's edited it out now) when many of us remarked that Paris Hilton was as interesting as a blowup doll:

"For fucks sake first of all I love her second of all I don't do gross shit like BDSM with her third I hate hearing about her and other guys and how bout we all just shut up about the fact it has Paris Hilton"

no punctuation, and it just screams underage creepy stalker to me. Either that, or an alt.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that got that vibe from him.
 
elfin_odalisque said:
drk is right, but, IMHO, a bit harsh.

First, the ellipse (. . . ) is NEVER a pause. Use the em dash, or in dialog, things like,'err', 'oh', 'um' work well.

However, I think you get the nuance between the megastar and the hopeful guy pretty well - better than a lot of males writing fan fic.

But - there's always a but - drk is dead right about there being no plot. Why is Paris with you, has Justin blown her out, Britney is in rehab and not up to a girls night out? Why you?

Don't be discouraged, you're getting there.

Why be so defensive about Paris Hilton? She is a very attractive woman with little raw talent and lots of connections, who has made her way independently of her family and made her pile. Anyone who believes that she got there by being a dizzy blonde and not listening very hard to the publicity men must still believe in Santa Claus.

I may not like her, but I respect her.

I can't stand imagining her with any other guy like that bastard Rick Salomon or something. Justin??? wtf?
 
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