Feedback and edit - please?

[drunkenphilosophy]

I'm relatively (?) new over here at Lit, and I've posted a few chapters under Romance already. Trouble is I haven't actually got an editor and I do feel that I desperately need one. I did try the Lit Editor program, but haven't received a single reply so far.

I've just completed the latest chapter and would really appreciate if anyone out there would be willing to critique not just the current piece but the others as well - there is no denying that a second (or third, fourth and fifth) opinion would provide plenty of insight towards the flaws and basic structure of the story.

Okay now that I think about I suppose this may be better off posted under the Editor's Forum, but then again, feedback in any way is most welcome. There's a lot of room for improvement, and I'd love for a pointer or two.

Or a hundred. Heh.

My submissions can be found at http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1361154&page=submissions

 

[Darkniciad]

On a skim, you don't really seem to have all that many problems in either pure nuts-n-bolts grammar or style.

The VE program is broken and neglected. I was about to suggest posting in the Editors' forum, but I see you've already done that. You might also consider approaching the editors in the "Available" thread in the same forum.

You're starting from a strong point of having work already available as an example, but more importantly, it shows that an editor won't have to start with the absolute basics. Taking on new authors is often a headache, but you have a good grasp of things and the length of your chapters is manageable, so I think you'll have success finding someone.

 

[coolydudde]

none

i would do that

 

[kuellar]

I think youve done a good job with a believable scenario and some nicely detailed characters. The conversations and reactions do seem pretty authentic, and you do a good job of leading the reader into the story.

I do have some thoughts regarding possible improvements though; keep in mind that all of this is just my opinion as a lay reader! And I'm basing this on just the first chapter, since that's all I've read so far.

===

As I read this I couldn't help thinking that some of your descriptions tend to be a little overwrought. For example, "Being alone in the same room as him for the first time, and being so coldly interrogated by him allowed her to understand with new clarity why he was so terrifying." It might be worth your while to go over this again to improve the flow of some of these sentences. Not everything needs to be said with such explicit detail!

I think it's also worth thinking about whether you're over-describing some of the dialogue, in particular. You spend a lot of time describing every nuance of many of these conversations, and I feel the flow of the dialogue really gets bogged down.

And some smaller points:

"even though he was all but nineteen of age" - you're missing "years"
"and the deconstruction of society through the paradigm of colors at all that baloney" - should be "and"
"She was surprised at the ease at which they conversed" - I think that should be "with which"?
"You probably know much more than I do about the culture and cuisine than I do" - an extra "than I do"

And I notice you tend to slip into a different tense in a few places:
""But..." she pauses..."
"They'd met in law school...and have been best friends ever since"
"He gives a small, cynical laugh."
"he sounds concerned...she reassures him"

===

The "Romance" category isn't usually my thing, but I think you have the beginnings of a good series here. Good luck with finding an editor, and happy writing!

 

[drunkenphilosophy]

Thanks for the feedback! The smaller points you pointed out were purely technical problems - sure signs that I was proofreading with my eyes closed, but I really liked the other points you mentioned.

You mentioned overwrought - that was precisely why I ended up asking for help here. Re-reading it made my eyes roll. Ehheh.

 

[jen_litgirl]

I would be willing to help proofread. I haven't written anything erotic but I do have a writing background, magazine articles mostly.
I've been a reader for years and I feel like it's time to start getting more involved.
Let me know if you're still looking for some help.

 

[drunkenphilosophy]

Hey, I'd love if you could help me proofread: maybe you could send me a private message and we'll talk there?