Feedback and constructive comments

[thekarpathianman]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=364765&page=4

Above story is now duly listed but for some unknown reasons(on the last page) the application for feedback from reader to author disappeared.
Please, dear readers, send me your feedback, together with your comments/suggestions.
I'm very anxious to know what you are thinking of my story and therefore the time you will be spending to read it and write about it will be very very appreciated.

Thank you.

 

[starrkers]

When you submitted it you may have left the "No" box for public comments highlighted. It is the default position, I believe. You can turn them back on at any time. Go to your submission page (where it shows each story and the number of votes, views and comments) and click the "yes" box and then the "save changes" box at the bottom of the page.

 

[Guest]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=364765&page=4

Above story is now duly listed but for some unknown reasons(on the last page) the application for feedback from reader to author disappeared.
Please, dear readers, send me your feedback, together with your comments/suggestions.
I'm very anxious to know what you are thinking of my story and therefore the time you will be spending to read it and write about it will be very very appreciated.

Thank you.

Your link takes the reader to the last page of your story. Confused the heck out of me until I scrolled down. The link to page 1 is here.

 

[thekarpathianman]

Malfunction removed

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=364765&page=4

Above story is now duly listed but for some unknown reasons(on the last page) the application for feedback from reader to author disappeared.
Please, dear readers, send me your feedback, together with your comments/suggestions.
I'm very anxious to know what you are thinking of my story and therefore the time you will be spending to read it and write about it will be very very appreciated.

Thank you.

Now the malfunctions have been removed.
Spaces for comments and feedback are now available.
Thanks

 

[ellynei]

The story is one long sex scene that goes on and on.

Like pornography in writing.

Whether people like that or not is a matter of taste I think.

Whether they like what happens or not is also a matter of taste I think.

Most of the time it is very easy to follow what happens from what you write.
(Like running a movie inside the head.)
There are language problems, yes. But it is possible to follow what you are writing.


It is not my kind of thing this, so hard for me to say a lot regarding other things than language.

At some points it was hard for me to follow the emotions and reactions of the characters, but that might be because I havent read the previous chapters.


I have picked some random language problems on the first page and made suggestions. If you like take a look and see if any of it is useful.


Good luck out there thekarpathianman

-----------------------

Quote:
"Again? . . . Please, man, give me some rest. You guys made me cum so much times, this night."
quote end:

'so many times' would be better. (Much and many are used differently, check an advanced dictionary for a better explanation than I can give.)

-----

Quote:
"Right now, child." And the stud lowered Carol, placing her twat over his open mouth; his teeth took the tiny protuberance of her clit and pulled on: the pink bud hardened, while his tongue started flicking and licking it mercilessly.
Quote end:

child is a nickname he uses for her I think it should be with capital C.

I would suggest:

"Right now, Child."

The stud lowered Carol, placing her twat over his open mouth. His teeth took her tiny protuberant clit and pulled on it. The pink bud hardened as his tongue started flicking and licking it mercilessly.

(comment: My own punctuation aint too great, so dont take my punctuation advice too literal.)

-----
Quote:
"Ohhhhhh. . . ohhhhhh. . . no more, please, no more," she pleaded, trying in vain to stop the devastating attack over her sensitive, fully erect member
Quote end:

'fully erect member' I fear it will confuse most readers here.

I did check in a dictionary, it seems the word member does have an archaic meaning; organ. Hence the dictionary would tell you it is ok to call a clitoris a 'member' (same as it would in theory be ok to call and arm or leg or 'member').

However normally in fiction when 'member' is used to refer to a body part, it is the male organ, the penis.

(In theory I could be wrong, but I have not seen 'member' used as a synonym for clitoris before.)

-----
Quote:
Her already stretched pussy had given easy access to the long shaft; Craig had inserted all of his prick in her insides, past her cervix: it had invaded the recess of her uterus.
Quote end:

Please say you mean the cavity under the uterus. In which case you should write:

'the recess under her uterus'

(the way it is written now it sounds like his prick is going inside her uterus).

Quote:
"Child," he had called ... ...take your daughter's clothes from the dresser and put them on. It's not difficult, for you, to find out the right things."
Quote end:

'to find out the right things' should be 'to find the right things'

('to find out' is a term related to discovery. Like 'He will find out his wife is cheating on him' to locate something is simply to find. Like 'He will find it if you dont hide it'.)
-----

 

[thekarpathianman]

The story is one long sex scene that goes on and on.

Like pornography in writing.

Whether people like that or not is a matter of taste I think.

Whether they like what happens or not is also a matter of taste I think.

Most of the time it is very easy to follow what happens from what you write.
(Like running a movie inside the head.)
There are language problems, yes. But it is possible to follow what you are writing.


It is not my kind of thing this, so hard for me to say a lot regarding other things than language.

At some points it was hard for me to follow the emotions and reactions of the characters, but that might be because I havent read the previous chapters.


I have picked some random language problems on the first page and made suggestions. If you like take a look and see if any of it is useful.


Good luck out there thekarpathianman

-----------------------

Quote:
"Again? . . . Please, man, give me some rest. You guys made me cum so much times, this night."
quote end:

'so many times' would be better. (Much and many are used differently, check an advanced dictionary for a better explanation than I can give.)

-----

Quote:
"Right now, child." And the stud lowered Carol, placing her twat over his open mouth; his teeth took the tiny protuberance of her clit and pulled on: the pink bud hardened, while his tongue started flicking and licking it mercilessly.
Quote end:

child is a nickname he uses for her I think it should be with capital C.

I would suggest:

"Right now, Child."

The stud lowered Carol, placing her twat over his open mouth. His teeth took her tiny protuberant clit and pulled on it. The pink bud hardened as his tongue started flicking and licking it mercilessly.

(comment: My own punctuation aint too great, so dont take my punctuation advice too literal.)

-----
Quote:
"Ohhhhhh. . . ohhhhhh. . . no more, please, no more," she pleaded, trying in vain to stop the devastating attack over her sensitive, fully erect member
Quote end:

'fully erect member' I fear it will confuse most readers here.

I did check in a dictionary, it seems the word member does have an archaic meaning; organ. Hence the dictionary would tell you it is ok to call a clitoris a 'member' (same as it would in theory be ok to call and arm or leg or 'member').

However normally in fiction when 'member' is used to refer to a body part, it is the male organ, the penis.

(In theory I could be wrong, but I have not seen 'member' used as a synonym for clitoris before.)

-----
Quote:
Her already stretched pussy had given easy access to the long shaft; Craig had inserted all of his prick in her insides, past her cervix: it had invaded the recess of her uterus.
Quote end:

Please say you mean the cavity under the uterus. In which case you should write:

'the recess under her uterus'

(the way it is written now it sounds like his prick is going inside her uterus).

Quote:
"Child," he had called ... ...take your daughter's clothes from the dresser and put them on. It's not difficult, for you, to find out the right things."
Quote end:

'to find out the right things' should be 'to find the right things'

('to find out' is a term related to discovery. Like 'He will find out his wife is cheating on him' to locate something is simply to find. Like 'He will find it if you dont hide it'.)
-----

Thank you very much, Ellynei.
I appreciated your long feedback and your attention to my writing.
Your general remarks, as you said, are a matter of personal taste: we can like, or not , this kind of stories.
About the language, I got your observation and be sure that I'll take note of them in my next writings.
Unfortunately, English is not my mother language and I need more improvement on it.
I hope to receive from other readers letters like yours, because they are really constructive and give a good help to my hobby.

Thank you again and god luck to you too.

 

[thekarpathianman]

Comments/Feedback

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=364765&page=4

Above story is now duly listed but for some unknown reasons(on the last page) the application for feedback from reader to author disappeared.
Please, dear readers, send me your feedback, together with your comments/suggestions.
I'm very anxious to know what you are thinking of my story and therefore the time you will be spending to read it and write about it will be very very appreciated.

Thank you.

Page 1 of the Story is:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=364765

Today it's rated 5(five), but got only 6(six) votes and no comments.
Your submissions(i.e. comments/feedback/suggestions), at the end of the story, or by e-mail or on this board are kindly requested and very much appreciated.
Thanks for your attention.