Feedback and advice for new contributor

[arianwen]

Hello

I would love some feedback on my first submission

I have never written anything like this before, and I had great fun doing it... but as I am not too familiar with the style I have no idea if what I have done works or not.

I knocked this out pretty quickly, and it doesnt have much going on it terms of plot, however as I enjoyed this I will be working on something a bit more involved next.

So yeah, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Even if it is negative.

 

[SweetErika]

I think it's a very good first effort, and you did an excellent job using varied, descriptive language. That, and being able to identify with having/continuing that type of vivid dream, really helped me get into the story.

However, a few things jolted me back to reality, which was disappointing because the story is solid fundamentally and I can see it being one of the better shorts I've read:

1) Technical errors.
a) There are typos/spelling (e.g. public instead of pubic, at vs. and) and punctuation (lack of commas, semicolons, most notably) that could be easily solved with some good proofreading/editing. The last sentence of Paragraph 9 is incomplete, for example, and should either be completed to stand alone or added to the previous sentence with proper punctuation.

b) You switch tenses a couple of times throughout, starting with:

Enjoying the sticky sensation on her skin, she thrust both her hands down to her vagina. Resisting the urge to linger she lifts her hot and wet fingers to her eager nipples and starts to rub and gently pinch them like her dream man had done. ...

This is always disconcerting to me as a reader because it takes me out of the story and I start to wonder if it was edited and how something like that could be missed.

2) Wording
a) Some of the sentences, particularly at the beginning, read very awkward to me. It's not a huge issue, but the difference between passable and excellent; you know, when something is kind of choppy or difficult to read, and another flows smoothly and effortlessly?

b) Again, mostly at the beginning, there are repeat words and concepts. Starting sentences with the same words.

The first two paragraphs are good examples of what I'm talking about. I think it's where it's most evident, too, which is part of the problem (good first impressions, and all of that ):

Melinda rolled over in bed and stretched luxuriously. She had silenced the alarm some minutes ago, but Melinda had a rare day off so was enjoying waking up slowly, her body was still tingling from a very enjoyable dream. [awkward wording/sentence] She reached an exploratory hand into her panties and from their moistness realized just how enjoyable her dreams had been. Her feel of her now wet fingers against her pussy excited her again and she started to rub one gently over her clit as she thought about the dream. [awkward wording/sentence]

Remembering the sensation of being dream fucked so expertly, she lifted her slim legs in the air and pulled her wet panties off, then arched her back and pulled off her shirt, gasping as the thin material rubbed over her sensitive nipples.

3) The ending.
I know the intent might be to leave it as mysterious, a cliffhanger, but I was more left confused and wondering what you were talking about than anything else. A little more information, a couple of clues, (along with making the tense consistent throughout the story) would really help here:

As her orgasm slowly subsides she turns around and looks at him and is startled back to reality with the realization of who she had been fucking in her dreams. She should feel guilty [because...?], but somehow she was even more turned on and despite knowing it was wrong she continued to touch herself and almost immediately a series of orgasms began to course through her. She cried out his name at the height of her pleasure, unable and unwilling to stop herself. She felt the warm rush as an incredible amount of juice flowed through her cunt and she jerked and shuddered.

Exhausted she rolled over onto her back, her body now slick with sweat and pussy juice. She felt amazing, but as her pleasure subsided the realization that she would never be able to make her dream reality [why?] hit home. Of course maybe the reality would be different [this feels like it's contradicting the previous sentence], and maybe he would never dream of doing those things to her, but none of this mattered as she would never be able to risk finding out.

I know that looks like a lot and probably seems nitpicky, but there are an awful lot of readers like me who notice these things, and hopefully one of your main goals is to please your audience. Plus, I wouldn't spend time reading and pointing these things out if I didn't think you were a talented writer or this piece had a lot of potential.

The good news, in my opinion, is that it wouldn't take a lot to polish it up to the point where it would be set apart from the glut of mediocre stories. As an editor, it's what I'd consider a pretty quick and easy job--typos and commas here and there, some re-worked sentences, synonyms, deciding on a tense and a couple additions to the ending--that would make all the difference.

So, consider doing your best yourself, then maybe having a sharp Volunteer Editor look it over, and re-submitting. I'm willing to bet doing so will kick your scores and feedback up a notch or three (now if that's not a motivator, what is? ).

 

[Ravlicious]

If you plan on writing (for this site, another site, fun, profit, whatever ) you may want to invest in a small style manual for writing. There are plenty to choose from in your local bookstore, and I'm sure you can probably find free ones on the Internet. This will help with the technical aspect of writing. (This wasn't directed only at you personally, but for anyone out there who wants to be a writer. This was a good piece, but as pointed out by Erika, you might want to check one out. )

 

[arianwen]

Thanks a lot for the feedback.

Nothing you have said was especially suprising. As you can probably tell I didnt actually edit the story at all. Obviously not a good idea, but I guess I just wanted to get it up before I lost my nerve

I will definately take what you have said on board though, and will make more effort to find and resolve these errors before sumitting in future.

The end is bad/vague because it wasn't originally meant to be the end.

I did carry on the story from there, but then got a bit lost and decided to submit just this scene just to see how it went.

Again I rushed it and didnt alter it enough to take this into account.

You can definately tell though, as it leaves too much to the imagination.