Feedback - A chance encounter story

Well, I can say that this isn't your first story as you seem to be pretty mature. But there were still some empty spots like for example when he comes in and asks for a cofee and a kiss... that was way to fantastic, I mean not every woman will agree on that. they should have talk a bit for a few minutes then he should kissed her. But the overall story is great and i have to admit i was a bit excited which is believe me... hard to make me feel that way.Maybe you will write something else i guess.
 
Thanks for your feedback :) Glad you liked it.

It's not my first short story, no, but it is my first attempt at erotic stories.

I like the idea of the man not saying too much but I will look at maybe adding a little bit more dialogue.
 
Read it - liked it

Hi Beth,

I thought this was a nice little vignette.

I do have a few suggestions if you want to hear them.

1) Maybe make it a little more clear that Tiffany is a waitress? That's easy enough:

Tiffany sits in the cold, hard diner chair drinking lukewarm tea. Boredom sweeps over her as she watches the shoppers walk past her window. Not long until closing time, she thinks, feeling glad that the day will soon be over. At least the tips had been decent.

She stretches her long legs under the table, her uniform skirt sliding up her thigh.

2) The clit throbbing in paragraph 2 felt a little inconsistent with the tone of your prose leading up to it. Could be a style/preference thing, but to me, your "exuding masulinity and power" and "piercing green eyes" then downshifting to something simple and lewd like "clit throb" was abrupt.

So going from your:

The newcomer is a tall, muscular man. The low lighting in the cafe shines along his sharp jaw line; his body exudes masculinity and power. She watches his piercing green eyes run over her body and it makes her clit throb. She begins to imagine his full lips on her own.

To something more like:

She watches his piercing green eyes run over her body, heating her skin as they work up from her feet. His gaze lingers for a brief moment at the tops of her thighs. The look is enough to kindle something between her legs -- need. It had been awhile since she'd been with a man. It makes her look at the new customer more keenly, imagining what his full lips might feel like pressed against hers.

3) I agree with Katy21, the first kiss feels a little too fantastic. As you said, you could build to it with dialogue. Another alternative would be what I call "nosing into the wind." I think an odd/fantastic/unlikely/surprising moment in a story is nifty. You just have to acknowledge that it's an odd/fantastic/unlikely/surprising moment somehow in your story. Typically, this gets down by one or more characters reacting in a "Wait, what the hell just happened kind of way."

His lips rush to hers, startling her with their speed. More surprising than how quickly he moved or even his insane inappropriateness, is the intensity of his kiss. Stunned, she automatically opens her mouth, inviting his tongue inside. Her nose fills with his musky scent, making her feel giddy with lust. As his tongue slides across her own she feels a moan escape her lips.

The sound of her own moan restarts her brain and she jerks her head away. What the hell am I doing? She backpeddles a step, waiting for him to apologize. To say something. Anything. Had he missed the "Don't kiss strangers" day in kindergarten?

He doesn't say a word, though. He just shrugs and smiles.

Fine, if he won't talk then neither would she. She turns away to pour his coffee. In the silence and with her back turned,
she hears him walk over to the door and turn the lock. ...


4) Again, I liked your story. I vote you keep writing.

Good luck,

-PF
 
Sorry for the delayed reply.

Thank you so much for your advice. I am going to write a conversation version and an acknowledge fantastic moment version and see which one I like best.

Thanks for the vote :) Im currently brainstorming another story but I want to finish this one before I seriously sit down to start the next one.
 
Is that it? Does he come back?

Does she want it again? Is she all fucked up now? I figure this is something that doesn't happen to her a lot and goddamn she wishes it would.

Girl could go on rampage.

Fuck! Keep going.
 
Hmm. I'm taking a stab at this. I'm an American. You're not. This is only relevant because of your setting and the assumptions we both bring to the table (guffaw). I'm not usually very nice, so you may not wish to read this. I think your work has good things in it. I think it has not so good things in it. Best o' luck to you.

Tiffany sits in the cold, hard diner chair drinking lukewarm tea. Boredom sweeps over her as she watches the shoppers walk past her window. Not long until closing time, she thinks, feeling glad that the day will soon be over.

This tells me---huh? She's sitting in the diner chair (you forgot a comma after hard, unless it's the diner that's hard). She's drinking cooling tea. She's watching shoppers walk past her window. It's almost closing time and she's glad the day's almost over.

Oookay. She's either a customer (in which case why is she concerned about closing time/day being almost over in the diner?), a worker (sitting in front of a window with lukewarm tea? How long is her break? Do workers normally sit in front of windows, in full view of the public?), or the owner (it's her window.) So, if she's a worker or an owner, why is she taking up customer space? Why is she sitting in full view of the public? Don't the owners normally frown on that? If she's a customer, why the closing time thing?

Feeling glad blah blah blah is expository. Exposition is a sucky thing. Put it in when it's necessary. Like, she's sitting in a diner chair. Don't put it in when you can show something. What she's thinking is shows us what's going on. What she's doing shows what's going on. What she's feeling is telling us. Show us, instead. Showing good, telling bad; unless of course, telling is better for the situation.

She stretches her long legs under the table, her skirt sliding up her thigh. Her back is arching over the chair when the door opens. She looks over to the door and immediately a spark of electricity shoots through her body, awakening all her senses. The newcomer is a tall, muscular man. The low lighting in the cafe shines along his sharp jaw line; his body exudes masculinity and power. She watches his piercing green eyes run over her body and it makes her clit throb. She begins to imagine his full lips on her own.

We're predisposed to think of sex before we even see your story on the lists simply because we're here, at Literotica. That means the reader will automatically sexualize a character's actions if no other spin is available in the text. Your first sentence is slutty. She's stretching long legs, her skirt is sliding up her thighs, and her back is arching. The text gives no context for this action because there is no reason for her to do these things. So, she's feeling sexy! She's stretching long legs, not numb/tired/falling asleep legs. Her skirt is sliding up her thigh, not accidentally showing her thighs while she improves circulation. She's arching her back, not working out stiffness. See where this is going? You have applied no motivation for her behavior, so the reader applies motivation. That means sex because we're on a sex site. Why is this important? It makes: She looks over to the door and immediately a spark of electricity shoots through her body, awakening all her senses. narratively meaningless. You've already got her sexed up, why is it happening again?

Your physical descriptions of your hero and heroine are pornotypical. Don't they all have long legs? Don't they all exude masculinity with eyes that set clits throbbing where ever they go? Don't exposit the cliche; show the cliche. You can have your pornotypical hunks and hunkettes, but you have to show them without being pornotypical (that means don't tell me he exudes his masculinity---he's wearing Axe, right?). Show it to me. How does he exude? What makes him different from your average porn story Fabio? Other than hair and eye color?

Not to mention, how can he see her body with the diner table in the way? Not unless there's just a chair by the window, which seems a weird thing for a diner.

Shaking her head she stands up and tries to calm her thoughts. She heads toward the counter. She waits for him to make his order. He takes his time looking around the cafe and the menu boards. Finally, he steps up to her. He leans towards her ear and whispers huskily into her ear, "I'll have a coffee and this."

She works there! Mystery solved. Not that her reason for being in the diner should be such a mystery. The mystery should be the plot, unless that is the plot. But another mystery rears its head. There's two people and a counter. Where are they standing in relation to the counter? Why did she walk to the counter? When we last left him, he'd walked in and looked her over. Did he take a seat at the counter? Did he head to the counter? Is it normal protocol for a waitress to take a customer's order from the customer side of the counter? Or is there no "sides" to the counter? There are spatial relationship issues. How do you solve them without explaining things (which is boring and gets in the way of the action). The reason the counter is important is that it sets up a set of expectations in the reader based on his or her experiences with diners that have counters and menu boards. Usually, the waitstaff stand where? The customer stands where? Your story then has your hero step up to your heroine. Then he leans forward enough to whisper in her ear and kiss her. I had to mentally rearrange the counter because he had to navigate around it to get to her (something that usually signals "I'm stealing from the till!"), and requires more than "steps up" to get to her. It takes "steps around the counter."

This is all about setting. You've finished with your heaviest work-up of setting, though you do bring it up later in the tale when you use the words door, chair, and table. However, your main treatment of setting is to mention that she's in a diner, establish that she's a worker and he's a customer, and tell us that there are chairs, a counter, and menu boards to order from (presumably from a location near the counter). Rethink setting. Restaurant-sex is a frequently visited theme. What sets yours apart from everyone else's? Part of it is setting. It's in a diner with the waitress and customer for a reason. Why is this important (that is, erotic)? What makes this diner setting erotic? She's a waitress having sex with a customer in her place of work. How can you make that simple fact work for the story rather than rely only on the sex for get-off points? Work up the setting. Make the diner itself a rich place. It doesn't take a lot of description, but it does take making it a distinct place with an individuality of its own that other diners don't have. Don't make it anonymous. Make the fact that she's a waitress obvious from the start. She's wearing a skirt, whoopee. Skirts are de rigeur in porn. Make it a uniform skirt or emphasize the waitress apron. Work sex is erotic, but only if you bring in the elements that make it erotic. He's a customer. Who cares if he's got piercing eyes and heavy testosterone? All porn heroes do. Emphasize the traits that make him erotic in the setting, not just as a person. What they look like is important, but not as important as who they are.

Looking at the prose in this paragraph, the repetition of "ear" is, like, wow. I think we got it. Thanks.

His lips rush to hers and she is surprised at their intensity. Forgetting herself she opens her mouth, inviting his tongue inside. Her nose fills with his musky scent, making her feel giddy with lust. As his tongue slides across her own she feels a moan escape her lips.

Rush is an interesting verb. I like the risk you took with it. It's evocative and shows a lot. It's also kind of weird, connotatively. Rush? Why this particular word choice? Is he in a hurry? Rush invokes thoughts of carelessness and sloppiness (rush job, the apologetic I was in a rush). It's got an erotic feel in the mouth, but after that, it loses a bit. Their is causing syntactical issues. What is the antecedent of the pronoun? The two of them? Her lips? His lips? All of the above? It makes the transition from "rush" to "intensity" difficult.

Then she forgets herself. This is a setting problem. The setting is not well developed, so the fact that she's forgetting herself is not a prominent issue. He locked the door, so we're in porn-story land. Why is forgetting herself a big deal? What is she forgetting anyway? That he's a stranger? That he's a customer? That she's a worker? That she has a boyfriend/spouse? That she's really a lesbian? That her name is Tiffany? A developed setting will help develop the character enough to make forgetting herself relevantly erotic rather than an interesting romance cliche.

Her nose fills with his musky scent, which has the consequence of making her all giddy with lust. Well, her eyeballs aren't going to do it. Kudos for enganging the senses. A good smut story is a sensual feast. Doing it well is orgasmically liberating, several times for some lucky women.


She jerks her head away. Neither of them speak as she begins to make his coffee. She hears him walk over to the door and turn the lock. As she heats the milk she hears the blinds dropping. She places the steaming mug on the counter and he picks it up. Taking it to her table, he sits in the opposite chair. His eyes roam over her body and burn into the skin. She feels like she is on fire.

Why did she suddenly jerk away? She was sex kittening in the chair, then he showed up and throbbed her clit for her. Then he kissed her and she felt all forgetty, giddy, and moany. Now she's jerking away? Why? To clarify the point, how are you using this to develop (1) character, (2) plot, (3) erotic tension? This is an excellent action for her to take at this point because it does give you an excellent opportunity to develop character, plot, and erotic tension without a lot of added words. The problem is that you have to examine motivations of characters to do it.

Another mystery develops! It's a diner. She's making coffee with hot milk? And the only thing he ordered is coffee? Is that normal? Think about your audience (at Lit, it's an international one). Diner = what? Milk is cold and has to be asked for. Creamer comes chemically in little packets. Or, for others, maybe there's a whole coffee bar and you can get a latte. What preconceived notions are your readers going to come into your story with? What are they going to believe about diners? How are their beliefs going to mess with your setting? How are you going to have to explain the setting to make your setting and their worldview make sense? It can be done. The world outside of Austrailia has accepted that people do eat vegemite, even if none of us really know what that is.

Now, we have a further mystery. There is, once again, the counter. She has just made coffee and put it on the counter. He takes the coffee to her table and eyeballs her entire body. Where in the heck is this counter? Is it built into the wall? Is that normal in a diner? Is it free-standing, like usual, and the coffee-making apparatus and accoutrements are behind it? If so, how can he see that much of her when seated in a chair? Can he see enough of her to burn her skin and set her to feeling like she's on fire (expositorily though it may be written?)

Which brings us to the exposition. She feels like she's on fire. It's an important moment, plot wise. It's the place that goads her into making the decision to head over to him and engage in sex. You're using a cliched simile to carry this weight, one that is rather telly. Can you do better with the same number of words? Especially if you can convey that this is an important moment, plot wise, without letting on that it's an important moment plot wise? This kind of thing should only be obvious upon dissection of a story.

Wondering what the hell she was doing, Tiffany walks over to her chair and sits down. A smile plays on his lips as he drinks his coffee. Feeling like her body may erupt at any minute, she finds it difficult to concentrate on even the simplest task. Her cup shakes as she brings it to her lips.

She jumps as his hand reaches for her ankle and lifts her leg up onto his lap. She can feel the heat radiating from his crotch. His fingers circle her ankle, distracting her further. She places the cup down and stares into his eyes as he drinks. In their murky green colour she can see a fiery lust that mirrors her own and she feels her lips pout.

I thought his eyes were piercing green? What happened? Also, "was" should be "is."

She makes her important decision (let's flout employee conventions and do a customer!) and acts on it. And then she feels again. She feels a lot. How many times does this word crop up in your story? It's a tell-word when describing emotions. It shouldn't crop up that much. Be stingy with it and pick your moments. When it's describing physical sensations, that's different. Of course, it tends to shift from active voice to passive voice. It often makes the subject receptive of action. Is that good or bad? Depends on the narrative and what's going on. Just like at the end of the quote. Her lips pout. She feels her lips pout. See the difference in tone? The first is active voice, the second is passive voice. As a general rule, in English, active voice is more engaging, interesting, and attractive to the reader, so it should comprise the bulk of narrative. If passive voice is used, there should be a reason behind it. For example, in the earlier kiss passage, she felt a moan pass her lips (passive). It has an easily deduced reason for passivity. She was the passive participant and he was the dominating, actor. She received his attention, rather than acted with him. It made sense for any reactions she had, such as the moan, to be expressed passively. Here, she's pouting passively. The sense, not so much. She's made the decision to participate. The passive voice should come out to highlight things now, to reinforce things. She's still feeling passive? Why?

Her lips part and her breathing quickens when she notices his eyes, once again, drink her in. She feels her nipples harden against the cool silken fabric of her bra. She hopes he can see what his eyes are doing to her body. She pushes her breasts out, admiring how full they have become.

She feels his palm flatten against her ankle and begin to work its way up her thigh. His touch makes her skin tingle. She wants to fling herself onto him but knows this will be worth the wait. She pushes her foot into his crotch, smiling to herself as his fidgets in his seat.

Again, setting issues crop up. You have mentioned the table now. You've mentioned that he's in the chair opposite hers. He has coffee; she has tea. The issue: his eyes are drinking her in, once again. Where does the table top sit in relation to her upper body? Waist? Mid-chest? Breasts? She has long legs, so the assumption is that she's tall (pornotypical women are). So, to give him a good view, it's probably at her ribs, just under her breasts. The setting issue would be as much of an issue if it wasn't a repetition of previous improbable drinkings in. Not to mention the fondling that quickly starts up. How can he reach her thigh and notice her breasts at the same time? Your table is a little too magical. It's a diner table, so it's presumably a square one. Does it seat two or four? Even if it seats two, it's still in the way.

She's feeling again, too.

Their give and take, sexually, is pretty good. Nice, slipping in breast description into the narrative.

She slides the side over her foot along his hardening cock and feels it twitch against her. She knows it wants to be free of its denim confines. His hand reaches her thigh and pushes it to her right. She hears him exhale as her realises she had no panties on.

The cold air excites her wet lips and she hopes he will touch her soon. He drops her leg to the floor and moves behind her. Using his strength, he lifts and moves her chair so her back is against the table. He crouches in front of her, his hands resting on her parted thighs.

So, in order for him to reach her thigh, she has to have her knee bent if her foot is sliding along his cock. She has long legs and legs are longer than arms. Her knee must be bumping the underside of the table, if it even fits.

What else would he use to move her but strength? The laws of physics? I'm assuming you want to highlight the hottitude of his muscly muscles here. So, have her admire his muscles rippling under his shirt (though not so Fabio cliche) while he moves the chair. He only gets to be pretty in one paragraph? Bring forth more description!

He pushes her skirt up to her hips, moaning as he sees her smooth, damp lips. She waits for him to decide what to do. Her body is aching to be touched. She wants to feel his strong hands manipulate her clit into orgasm. She watches his head move towards her lips, feels his breath against her skin.

'You smell so f'cking great.' The rawness in his voice shocks and arouses her. Her body arches towards him, her hips pushing down. Finally, after an eternity of waiting, she feels his mouth on her. His tongue flicks over her clit. The volume of her moan surprises her, she feels him smile.

I think I might run a poll. How many women can read the exact expression on a man's face with her pussy? It's pretty reading, though, even if she is feeling again.

Excellent job with dialogue tags! You say dialogue isn't your thing. Whatev. My philosophy on tagging dialogue is pretty simple. Actions speak louder than words. I'm on board with Strunk and White, if you use an attributive verb, generally speaking, use "said." It's like the word "the." People don't even notice it when they read it, unless the writer uses it too much. You can fix that by, hey, using action to show who is speaking, just like you did. Um, you didn't do it, but just in case: in dialogue, when using action to tag speech, don't put one character's action together with a different character's speech because it confuses the reader as to who is speaking (particularly if this error is consistent in a long string of dialogue). I'm not for using adverbial verbs to tag speech, such as yelled, whispered, screeched, etc. Why? Adverbs (like adjectives), tell. The better strategy is usually to show. If the character is yelling, there is usually a reason for it, so show the reason and the reader will make the logical assumption about tone of voice. Does that mean never use adverbials? No! Use them when appropriate and for good reason. What the character is feeling/doing may not be important enough to describe. It's simpler to just write: he whispered. Or, the POV may not be right for show-style descriptions. Telling is how the POV character would do it. So. Good job tagging dialogue. I like action for it the best.

His hands reach up and rest underneath her cheeks. They squeeze her and she feels her hips spasm. As his tongue slides into her hole for the first time she feels the beginnings of cum escape her. He moans into her and the sensation makes her clit throb.

Her hips begin rocking back and forth as his tongue darts in and out of her ever wetter pussy. She begins to lose all sense of that around her, feeling only the orgasm build up inside of her.

His mouth pulls away and she is left feeling cold and frustrated. A frown forms across her face. He drops his trousers and she watches as his hard cock is slowly revealed to her. She licks her lips and goes to push her mouth down on it.

So far, the sex is interesting and hot---like everyone else. You're having a setting failure here. Why is he hottness so special? Hers? Not within the story, but globally. Why should we, the readers, find your sex scene hotter than pornopricess69's? Or studpuppy9's? Or any number of writers'? How is this sex scene non-generic?

Should you change it? Do you have to? That remains a question of how much work you want to do to distinguish your story from the 10 bajillion other erotic couplings stories on Literotica. The sex is hot and well described. There is no real quibble with that. Some people won't find it hot, some people will. The difference will be not in how hot your graphic sex description skills are, but in how well you can set your graphic sex description skills apart from the rest of the herd's graphic sex description skills. Good mechanics will only go so far.

'No' he comands.

His hands reach under her arms and pull her up from the chair. He kicks the chair away from the table and turns her to face it.

'No I can't wait...I want this,' he whispers into her ear. He pushes her body onto the table and she feels him lift her skirt above her hips. His hands reach under her and rip her shirt apart. She watches a button roll off the table. His hands cup her breasts. She can feel the heat of him against her.

I'm back on the table thing. How big is this table? It's small enough that they can be very, very intimate while sitting on opposite sides, but it's big enough for her to sprawl on. Did you have a picture of the diner in your head when you started? The table that the action was going to occur on? Or did you just have the words associated with diners and skipped the mental images altogether? I'm hoping for the former, but I'm afraid it's the latter.

He moves his hips up against her and she feels his cock touch her pussy. He waits and begins twisting her nipples. She moans and pushes her breasts into his hands. When her back begins arching he thrusts up into her.

Her breath catches as she feels his cock move inside of her. He pushes deeper into her and she begins to wonder if there is enough room. Just as a slight pain runs through her she feels him stop pushing.

'God, you're so f'cking tight!' he gasps in feverish breaths.

She feels him move in and out. She can feel every millimetre of him as he allows her pussy time to adapt around his growing cock. She feels hot and clammy as her orgasm is quickly reawakened. Her moans begin to come in a rhythmic tune.

She feels him begin to shove his cock into her, in time with her moans. Her pussy tightens around his cock as he pushes deep into her.

His hand move from her breasts and the cold of the table against her nipples makes her gasp. One hand goes to her hip and the other runs through her hair. She feels his fingers grip against her hip, pulling her against him. As his thrusts get faster she feels his balls bang against her.

She hears him begin to moan as her cum drips over him. Her body begins shaking. She feels him lose control behind her. He stops holding back and he thrusts into her, harder and faster. Her hips touch the table and his body lays over hers.

He thrusts in an upward motion and her heels begin to leave the floor.

'Cum in me,' she begs, impatient to feel his hot, sticky cum inside of her. 'Please cum in me.'

As if waiting for permission, she feels his cum fill her up. It makes her body tremble and she moans against the table. He thrusts one more time into her and, to her surprise, she feels more cum shoot up.

There's almost a feel per paragraph. Excellent work describing the sound effects.

They lay over the table, catching their breath. She can still feel him inside of her as her senses return. She hopes he won't move just yet, but he does. She hears his cock slide out of her pussy. The sound makes her tingle once again. He pulls her skirt down and lifts her up. She turns to face him. She pulls up his zip and smiles at him.

'Thanks for the coffee,' he murmurs and kisses her once again on the lips. Then he walks over to the door, unlocks it and leaves.

She stares at the door, numbed by the intensity of what just occurred. Then, shaking her head and brushing herself down, she picks up a cloth and begins to tidy down ready to close.

Quick, yet efficient exit from the story. Though, I am marveling at the table. How big is it? It's holding both of them, collapsed, on top of it. Did she get burned by his coffee? Did things (napkin holders, condiments, eating utensils, etc) go flying off the table to clatter to the floor?

Well. I'm out of juice.
 
Bwallard - the piece was written for another site and was written with intention of being very short. I am looking at possibly expanding it a little further. I'm not sure yet. It really depends where I go with Tiffany.
 
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I don't want you tell me anything about the setting. I want you to show it to me. How is this contradictory? I want to see your characters fully interact with their setting the same way real people interact with their setting.
 
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