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Rainbow Skin
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2002
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If you click on the "Writers: Please Read" sticky at the top of this forum you'll see how to put a link to your stories. It really is much, much easier for us to go to them on a direct link rather than wading through the search screens.
This is the link to the stories.
http://www.literotica.com:81/storie...ds=&author=1hotwife&Submit=Search+The+Stories
http://www.literotica.com:81/storie...ds=&author=1hotwife&Submit=Search+The+Stories
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
It looks like your Vampire story is your most ambitious, but also needs the most help. There are a lot of mechanical errors—spelling, punctuation and paragraphing—but an editor can help you with that. (You have a tendency to pack too much action into one paragraph, which actually seems to slow down the action because all this stuff is packed into one single block of text. If you spread it out into different paragraphs I think the story will flow better.)
The biggest problem in the story for me is the old one of showing versus telling. Here’s an excerpt:
--------------------
He barely had time to drop the bow and unsheath his broad sword and dagger. Eve was able to perry Rath's blows. He had never fought such a potent foe. The melee continue as a stalemate but Rath was growing weary. Dawn was near. All he had to do was maintain the draw till the sun brought him favor. Eve knew just as well dawn was near.
------------------------------
This is a moment of dramatic action and it should really pull us into the excitement, but it doesn’t. The reason it doesn’t is because, instead of putting us into the middle of the fight, you pull back and tell us what happened. Instead of showing us the fight, you describe it.
Consider:
--------------------
He dropped the bow and fumbled to unsheath his broadsword and dagger just as she lunged for him. His sword slashed upwards in a powerful arc but he was too slow, off guard, and she sidestepped, ducked, and came up under his guard, driving him back, his feet slipping on the rough shingles of the roof. He was just able to raise his dagger as she came at him again with astonishing speed…&c &c.
------------------------
See what I’ve done? I’m showing what’s going on; not telling you about it. That’s showing, not telling.
In a story like this, you’re probably going to use both showing and telling. Some telling is almost always inevitable, but stories that are entirely told end up sounding like like fairy tales: vague and general. They have no vivid detail and they give us no clear mental picture of what’s going on. Most readers prefer their stories to show a lot, especially at the dramatic moments.
The secret to showing is vivid detail. Put yourself in the fight and imagine what it’s like, the way they move, the facial expressions, the sounds, the smells.
One other thing about this story: you should really tell us at the start just where &/or when we are. The location here isn’t so important, but the time is. I was shocked when this guy came riding in on a horse. I had assumed we were in present day England, because you gave us no indication to suggest otherwise.
Good luck, and hope this helps.
---dr.M.
The biggest problem in the story for me is the old one of showing versus telling. Here’s an excerpt:
--------------------
He barely had time to drop the bow and unsheath his broad sword and dagger. Eve was able to perry Rath's blows. He had never fought such a potent foe. The melee continue as a stalemate but Rath was growing weary. Dawn was near. All he had to do was maintain the draw till the sun brought him favor. Eve knew just as well dawn was near.
------------------------------
This is a moment of dramatic action and it should really pull us into the excitement, but it doesn’t. The reason it doesn’t is because, instead of putting us into the middle of the fight, you pull back and tell us what happened. Instead of showing us the fight, you describe it.
Consider:
--------------------
He dropped the bow and fumbled to unsheath his broadsword and dagger just as she lunged for him. His sword slashed upwards in a powerful arc but he was too slow, off guard, and she sidestepped, ducked, and came up under his guard, driving him back, his feet slipping on the rough shingles of the roof. He was just able to raise his dagger as she came at him again with astonishing speed…&c &c.
------------------------
See what I’ve done? I’m showing what’s going on; not telling you about it. That’s showing, not telling.
In a story like this, you’re probably going to use both showing and telling. Some telling is almost always inevitable, but stories that are entirely told end up sounding like like fairy tales: vague and general. They have no vivid detail and they give us no clear mental picture of what’s going on. Most readers prefer their stories to show a lot, especially at the dramatic moments.
The secret to showing is vivid detail. Put yourself in the fight and imagine what it’s like, the way they move, the facial expressions, the sounds, the smells.
One other thing about this story: you should really tell us at the start just where &/or when we are. The location here isn’t so important, but the time is. I was shocked when this guy came riding in on a horse. I had assumed we were in present day England, because you gave us no indication to suggest otherwise.
Good luck, and hope this helps.
---dr.M.
Limbhugger
Team Slut Towel Boy
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2003
- Posts
- 3,031
Excellent advice Dr. M.!
I do like the premise of the story and think it has great potential. Never get discouraged hotwife. The fact that you're making the attempt says a whole lot. And the fact that you're seeking out advice says a lot more!
Hugger
I do like the premise of the story and think it has great potential. Never get discouraged hotwife. The fact that you're making the attempt says a whole lot. And the fact that you're seeking out advice says a lot more!
Hugger
Fluidinmotion
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2003
- Posts
- 15
thank you to Dr. M
I have recently started writing after many years of starting stories, only to stop, because I didn't know how to put in the details.
The advice you gave to 1hotwife has opened my eyes.
I read your post and went to the story I am working on. The difference in the one paragraph I changed is amazing.
I do not know how I can thank you enough. Just know that what you said is very greatly appreciated.
Thank you
I have recently started writing after many years of starting stories, only to stop, because I didn't know how to put in the details.
The advice you gave to 1hotwife has opened my eyes.
I read your post and went to the story I am working on. The difference in the one paragraph I changed is amazing.
I do not know how I can thank you enough. Just know that what you said is very greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Pure
Fiel a Verdad
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2001
- Posts
- 15,135
Hi 1hot,
I think you did a decent job on 'Worth the price of admission.' It's pretty hot, but requires a touch more than the usual 'suspension of disbelief', i.e., could it happen.
I make two main sets of comments: 1) You need more 'set up' and a bit of character to make the action believable. Like, the guy admitting he'd been fantasizing, or maybe the wife dropping a hint ('maybe you'll get a treat').
Even given that the intent is pure 'arousal,' you've got to give the reader time to get his/her pants/panties off, and then draw things out for a bit.
2) Looking at the sex writing, which is always hard, so to say,
She proceeded to stroke his massive member with both hands. She was changing speed and rhythm, fondling his balls, and making tight and loose grips on his diameter. She then began to lick the precum from the head of his cock. She swirled her tongue around the head and slipped her lips over his glans. She licked up and down his shaft and tongued his sack. She began sliding those beautiful lips over his fuck rod. Gradually she engulfed nearly all his length deep throating his huge cock. I was watching my blonde bombshell of a wife suck another man's cock, and found it strangely arousing.
The first part is OK, and in general, it's not too predictable, which is good. The last sentence is a bit too obvious. A summary is not necessary. Enough to say "What a bombshell I had for a wife!". or "Boy, could my wife fuck as I've never seen before!" or, if you like, "My dick was pulsing and I started jerking it at this hot little scene."
My wife bobbed on his cock for at least ten minutes before she withdrew him from her mouth and began wildly stroking his cock. I watched her make his cock blast her tits with his seed. I knew this would only turn her on more having hot cum sprayed on her.
Next she climbed over him. Despite firing off a huge load his cock was still visibly rigid, and she clearly intended to ride him. Once again my jealousy began to well up, but the thought of seeing my wife impaled on that huge cock was temptingly erotic.
His cock was already well lubed from her saliva and his cum, as she positioned the head by her opening.
You're rushing things here, and also making it less believable. First example, as the dr m says, the last sentence, first para is weak because it's descriptive: "I knew this would turn her on..". Instead, have her say, "OH god, I love your cum on my tits, let me take it onto my fingers and let's lick them off."
Second example, had you not made his cock instantly ready, there could have been some interesting action, like say her sucking him a bit and shoving her finger up his ass, etc. Most guys need at least 5 mins, ya know!
Third example: "she clearly intended to ride him". More immediate would be-- She said, "I'm going to climb up on that prick and fuck your brains out."
She began to press down. Her pussy lips parted and slid over the head of his cock. Seeing my wife fuck made my manhood surge with excitement.
Gradually with each stroke of her magnificent pussy she took him deeper. Her cunt looked incredibly hot spread by a huge cock. Within a few minutes she had enveloped him completely with each stroke. I watched her pussy lips fold out over his lenght as she ascended his cock and roll back inside as she descended on his pole. I felt that jealousy again. Her pussy feels incredible, and this guy was getting to enjoy her. More than that he was enjoying her deeper and tighter than I could. Only I should get to feel her flesh and spread her open. Still, she did look so damn hot, tits bouncing, fucking his big cock. I couldn't help but watch.
The sex part seems less exciting than in the earlier para, but I do like the weaving in of jealousy. Why less exciting? Perhaps the second sentence is weak. "Her cunt looked incredibly hot..." Again, I'd try, "Her cunt was flowing and it made my cock jerk upright. His cock was like a fat sausage."
The pussy lips part is good. One wants unusual detail.
Avoid overuse of 'empty' compliments like 'magnificent' or 'incredible'.
Again, the summary sentence is weak "...she did look so damn hot, tits bouncing, fucking his big cock." Summaries are not necessary. If the para is good, the reader knows that how she looked, and we've already heard about the 'fucking the big cock'.
Perhaps consider putting thoughts in italics, such as "That pussy's mine, only I should be spreading it!" as opposed to
"Only I should get to feel her flesh and spread her open."
In summary, add details, esp. surprising ones; avoid summaries; try to establish more background to the kinky acts.
I have no doubt some hubbies would relish this scene, but let us get to know this particular hubby, his previous fantasies, his experience; possibly being told, "Your dick is so small." or "Can't we go again? are you finished after just two minutes?"
Final note: You end with a creampie. What are you going to do with that? Is there followup?
Keep at it. Good work.
J.
I think you did a decent job on 'Worth the price of admission.' It's pretty hot, but requires a touch more than the usual 'suspension of disbelief', i.e., could it happen.
I make two main sets of comments: 1) You need more 'set up' and a bit of character to make the action believable. Like, the guy admitting he'd been fantasizing, or maybe the wife dropping a hint ('maybe you'll get a treat').
Even given that the intent is pure 'arousal,' you've got to give the reader time to get his/her pants/panties off, and then draw things out for a bit.
2) Looking at the sex writing, which is always hard, so to say,
She proceeded to stroke his massive member with both hands. She was changing speed and rhythm, fondling his balls, and making tight and loose grips on his diameter. She then began to lick the precum from the head of his cock. She swirled her tongue around the head and slipped her lips over his glans. She licked up and down his shaft and tongued his sack. She began sliding those beautiful lips over his fuck rod. Gradually she engulfed nearly all his length deep throating his huge cock. I was watching my blonde bombshell of a wife suck another man's cock, and found it strangely arousing.
The first part is OK, and in general, it's not too predictable, which is good. The last sentence is a bit too obvious. A summary is not necessary. Enough to say "What a bombshell I had for a wife!". or "Boy, could my wife fuck as I've never seen before!" or, if you like, "My dick was pulsing and I started jerking it at this hot little scene."
My wife bobbed on his cock for at least ten minutes before she withdrew him from her mouth and began wildly stroking his cock. I watched her make his cock blast her tits with his seed. I knew this would only turn her on more having hot cum sprayed on her.
Next she climbed over him. Despite firing off a huge load his cock was still visibly rigid, and she clearly intended to ride him. Once again my jealousy began to well up, but the thought of seeing my wife impaled on that huge cock was temptingly erotic.
His cock was already well lubed from her saliva and his cum, as she positioned the head by her opening.
You're rushing things here, and also making it less believable. First example, as the dr m says, the last sentence, first para is weak because it's descriptive: "I knew this would turn her on..". Instead, have her say, "OH god, I love your cum on my tits, let me take it onto my fingers and let's lick them off."
Second example, had you not made his cock instantly ready, there could have been some interesting action, like say her sucking him a bit and shoving her finger up his ass, etc. Most guys need at least 5 mins, ya know!
Third example: "she clearly intended to ride him". More immediate would be-- She said, "I'm going to climb up on that prick and fuck your brains out."
She began to press down. Her pussy lips parted and slid over the head of his cock. Seeing my wife fuck made my manhood surge with excitement.
Gradually with each stroke of her magnificent pussy she took him deeper. Her cunt looked incredibly hot spread by a huge cock. Within a few minutes she had enveloped him completely with each stroke. I watched her pussy lips fold out over his lenght as she ascended his cock and roll back inside as she descended on his pole. I felt that jealousy again. Her pussy feels incredible, and this guy was getting to enjoy her. More than that he was enjoying her deeper and tighter than I could. Only I should get to feel her flesh and spread her open. Still, she did look so damn hot, tits bouncing, fucking his big cock. I couldn't help but watch.
The sex part seems less exciting than in the earlier para, but I do like the weaving in of jealousy. Why less exciting? Perhaps the second sentence is weak. "Her cunt looked incredibly hot..." Again, I'd try, "Her cunt was flowing and it made my cock jerk upright. His cock was like a fat sausage."
The pussy lips part is good. One wants unusual detail.
Avoid overuse of 'empty' compliments like 'magnificent' or 'incredible'.
Again, the summary sentence is weak "...she did look so damn hot, tits bouncing, fucking his big cock." Summaries are not necessary. If the para is good, the reader knows that how she looked, and we've already heard about the 'fucking the big cock'.
Perhaps consider putting thoughts in italics, such as "That pussy's mine, only I should be spreading it!" as opposed to
"Only I should get to feel her flesh and spread her open."
In summary, add details, esp. surprising ones; avoid summaries; try to establish more background to the kinky acts.
I have no doubt some hubbies would relish this scene, but let us get to know this particular hubby, his previous fantasies, his experience; possibly being told, "Your dick is so small." or "Can't we go again? are you finished after just two minutes?"
Final note: You end with a creampie. What are you going to do with that? Is there followup?
Keep at it. Good work.
J.
Last edited:
I do appreciate the critique. I have several other stories in development and hopefully can apply some of these techniques. I would appreciate further feed back on these future stories. Thank you Pure, and whom ever else may elect to share their thoughts and insights.
