Fathers and Daughters, an unanswerable question…

[amicus]

Fathers and Daughters, an unanswerable question…


It is late…way late and this is another thought that if I do not put it down it will be lost forever…at least from my perspective, so…

I have raised five daughters…only three of which did I bond with from babyhood…you fathers out there will know the joy of holding a baby girl in your arms and later, comforting them when they are frightened of the thunder or things that go bump in the night.

And as they grow older and change but still need those comforting arms and assurances that only a father can give and you sigh when they lock the door as they bathe and when they hug…they hold back…goes with being a dad…you instinctively understand and smile…

Well, they are all grown now and I hug and comfort their daughters, when and as I can…against the scary things and the scraped knees and the bad hair days and the friends at school…

Yet in the trials and tribulations of their grown up lives…and this is the difficult part to write, I sometimes think they need the comfort of my arms, that innocent care-free jumping into the arms, arms and legs wrapped around, face in neck comfort that I gave when they were children…

Yet…they cannot ask…and I cannot give…

It is not a sadness, for it is the way of things…but still I wish I knew a way to comfort when they really need something more.

Do not trouble me with your molestation or incest stories or an ‘Electra’ complex, go tell your shrink…but if there are those who would share a daughters feelings…since it is a subject I can not broach with my own, I would like to hear your thoughts…

Thank you…

Amicus…

 

[Guest]

it would have been nice to have had the option to receive those carefree hugs from my dad. that being said, it would have been awkward too since he was a staunch swamp yankee and that was...'not the done thing.'
just having him near was enough, in retrospect.
the fact that you were/are there for your daughters/grandkids is more than some can say...i have a feeling that they feel fortunate to have had your love regardless of the package it comes in. From what i have seen of your posts re: your family, i know y ou love them deeply...if i can see that clearly, how can they not?
maybe i missed your point but i hope i havent.
rock on papa ami....rock on.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

There are times I simply walk up to my father and hug him. I hold him tight and simply let the feeling of complete love wash over me. There are times I will walk past him and he reaches out, grabs my arm and hauls me back, hugs me, holds me close and again the love flows. It is a blanket of protection that I feel when I am in his arms. I close my eyes and for a moment there are no worries too great or fears too horrid that I can't conquer.

 

[English Lady]

I had this flipped around on me recently, I hope my telling helps and doesn't deviate too much from the actual theme of the thread.

It was not long after the horrific crash which killed my mums boyfriend and left her with two gashes to her forehead and many, many bruises. I sat beside her as we watched TV...just quietly sitting, words had been spoken and there was little more to say. And I just looked at her tiny frame (she is much smaller than me) all the ugly bruises and the ugly stitches in her head and I wanted to hold her. I wanted to keep her with me and hold her to me at all times. I wanted to protect her in the same way I protect my darling little baby girl.

I can't though, because she's my mum, she's an adult and has her own life. I can't keep her from that.

I think it is just a symptom of love and caring. you just want to take away all the cares and worries of the person you love, and with a child ou think about how once, when they were small you did take care of all their worries and problems. They're doing it on their own now, though. I am sure theyvalue you and your love and help far more than you realise.

Oh, and a random hug, or a kiss on a cheek is alays a good thing. I kiss my Dad no whenever we say goodbye, because I see him so little and it's one of the only ways I can show him just how much I do love him.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Ami...

this is beautiful...

and I'm grateful, for both you and your daughters, that they had you when they were young to hold them and chase away the scary things simply with your presence. There is no substitute for the love and protection of a father, and when it isn't there, it creates a gaping hole.

It may not be "ok" to hold them now (and hell, it may be, who is to say?) but you should know that what you did when they were young has given them arms with which they can hold themselves. The memory of daddy-arms is enough for girls who grow up feeling them. They know the world is as safe as it's ever gonna get. (even if they, too, sometimes wish the could be little girls again in your arms )

Those of us who didn't get that, for whatever reasons... we have to find it on our own, and sometimes a lifetime is spent looking to fill that empty place.

You brought tears to my eyes this morning. Thank you

 

[lucky-E-leven]

My Dad has always been a rock for me. He's done more girlie hair-do's than any man I know, and always knew just when to offer his soft flannel shoulder for tears and comfort. He still does, really. He respects our boundaires (my sister's and mine) but still pulls us into his lap and holds us tight sometimes. He just seems to know when we need it, and there's really nothing awkward about it. It's nice to know that no matter how old I get, as long as my dad's around, there's a confidant and champion there for me. I wish others were so lucky. I'm just glad he's not afraid of comforting me like a child while still treating me like a woman.

 

[AppleBiter]

I remember, when I was a little girl, being bit by a Doberman Pinscher and after going through a series of rabies shots, going home and running into my dad's arms and sobbing like mad on his shoulder. I clung to him, gripping his shirt in my tiny hands, and wailing. I thought it was the worst pain I had ever experienced and I knew that no one could help me through it but my Daddy.

A few months ago, when that same man sat on my couch and broke the news to me that his son, my brother, had died, the exact same scenario happened. I clung to him tightly and wailed, gripping his shirt -- knowing that only my Daddy could help me through the worst pain I'd ever experienced.

Some things may change, but the idea that my Dad can ease my pain just by being my Dad and loving me never will.

ETA: Ami, I think that your being their Dad, and thus, their superhero, will never change. The best that you can do to comfort them is just to love them and to be there.

 

[Guest]

 

[shereads]

As a daughter, I can tell you that a father's love can provide an amazing amount of comfort even in his absence. I miss him. I'll always be grateful that when he was still alive, we dropped politics from our conversations and just loved each other. The last thing he ever said to me was, "I love you." I knew it, but hearing the words - when neither of us knew he wouldn't live the week out - is a powerful memory and the best thing he ever gave me.

Just tell them you love them, you're proud of them, and that those things belong to them without conditions. They'll draw comfort from the words when they can't come to you.

 

[EroticaKane]

I wonder if a lot of Dad's feel this way.

I wish my Dad had been the sort of Father I could cuddle up to and find comfort in. I think your daughters are really lucky to have a Dad like you. I hope on some level my Father feels that way about me, but maybe just can't show it.

 

[oggbashan]

Daughters grow up

I have three daughters. Whenever they visit I still hug them; they still hug me. They are now adults living their own lives; two are married and one doesn't want to have a partner.

As they grew, their need for Dad reduced. They know that I'm still here if they want me - 'Dad will fix it' still applies for many things - but I know that they are there if I want them to give advice or to help out. Our relationship is now between mature adults. I can help them; they can help me.

Sometimes I reminisce about the days when our relationship was simpler, when Dad was a refuge and a comforter but those days are long gone. Now my daughters are adult women. They are their own people and their relationship with their parents is on their terms. That's how it should be.

Og

 

[Pure]

jeez, i agree with ami. hope there isn't a 'three strikes you're out,' rule.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

jeez, i agree with ami. hope there isn't a 'three strikes you're out,' rule.

*chuckle*

I think Roxelby has become your new nemesis, Pure!

 

[cloudy]

I heard someone say something the other day about fathers and daughters, and it mirrored the way I felt about my own father so much that I've remembered it word for word:

My father made me feel like the Queen of the World, and he was the one who gave me the crown.

Thank goodness for fathers. I miss mine every single day.

 

[amicus]

Thanks so very much for the lovely replies...it was like 4:30 in the morning when I felt the need to get thoughts written down and was due to babysit at 9ish...just got back and sat down and smiled and teared up as I read and enjoyed.

Thank you again...


amicus...

 

[JustaJerk]

I'm reminded of a time when my daughter was afraid of monsters under her bed. She was about 3-4 at the time. Normally, my wife would put her to bed, but one night I got the duty. She asked me to check under the bed for monsters.
"There's no monsters under the bed."
"How do you know? You didn't look."
"Because I don't allow monsters in this house!"
"Oh." She rolled over and went to sleep. Never again were monsters a problem.

Same thing for thunderstorms. I would hold her as we stood on the porch, watching the show in awe. She's fourteen now, but if there's a thunderstorm, she'll get me to go outside to watch with her.

I'm begining to catch some of what Amicus was saying, though. She doesn't come to me as much as she used to. And when she does need someone, she usually goes to her mother. Sometimes, I miss my little girl, the sweetness and innocence.

To paraphrase: Dragons last forever, but not so for little girls.

 

[CharleyH]

Fathers and Daughters, an unanswerable question…


It is late…way late and this is another thought that if I do not put it down it will be lost forever…at least from my perspective, so…

I have raised five daughters…only three of which did I bond with from babyhood…you fathers out there will know the joy of holding a baby girl in your arms and later, comforting them when they are frightened of the thunder or things that go bump in the night.

And as they grow older and change but still need those comforting arms and assurances that only a father can give and you sigh when they lock the door as they bathe and when they hug…they hold back…goes with being a dad…you instinctively understand and smile…

Well, they are all grown now and I hug and comfort their daughters, when and as I can…against the scary things and the scraped knees and the bad hair days and the friends at school…

Yet in the trials and tribulations of their grown up lives…and this is the difficult part to write, I sometimes think they need the comfort of my arms, that innocent care-free jumping into the arms, arms and legs wrapped around, face in neck comfort that I gave when they were children…

Yet…they cannot ask…and I cannot give…

It is not a sadness, for it is the way of things…but still I wish I knew a way to comfort when they really need something more.

Do not trouble me with your molestation or incest stories or an ‘Electra’ complex, go tell your shrink…but if there are those who would share a daughters feelings…since it is a subject I can not broach with my own, I would like to hear your thoughts…

Thank you…

Amicus…

Ami, you may have had five daghters, but men need to feel this also - the jumping into the arms of any caregiver. I beckon you to think this way: men do not hug and kiss their fathers, women hug and kiss their fathers, and both daughters and sons kiss their mothers on the lips when greeting eachother at any age. Is that a failing on the part of the children or on the part of the father that they don't kiss?

Recently, I visited my grandparents (they are 83 and 84 respectively). I decided to spend a day or two with my grandfather, who had always been harsh to me as a child (whom we lived with) and was rarely - if ever - kind. On the first night I stayed there (after 20 years of never bothering) he bent down and kissed my lips, a little loving peck on my lips to say good night and it was to my surprise (SHOCK), and he said I loved you. I could not believe it! My Aunt and Uncle can't believe it! I think it's important for you to know that all your children want love and while you love them? They might not always feel accepted by you and you are the one who has to accept them wholly for who they are before they will accept you.

My grandfathers show of love after 40 years? What a priviledge and what forgiveness came in that moment. Mothers ALWAYS and forever kiss their children on the lips. Fathers rarely kiss their children and especially after a child (male or female) reaches a certain age. Its sad.

My take.

 

[Honey123]

My father is great...he has 4 daughters...I am the youngest.

He wasn't around much, but we knew he loved us and he never hesitated to hug us and kiss us. He did have trouble saying "I Love You"...we say it, and he'd say, "me too" We accepted that.

My dad is 78 years old. He openly says he loves us all the time now...and he grabs our kids and hugs them and just tells us all the time how much he loves our kids.


My husband's dad is 88...yeah....my husband is the youngest of three...a change of life baby. He didnt have much of a relationship with his dad, still doesn't...but neither do his older siblings (who are girls).

I think back then it was harder for the men to express themselves and you could only hope that the sons they have birthed, can change that.

My husband says he loves my son all the time...he hugs him...he doesn't shake his hand, like his dad does to him...

 

[CharleyH]

My father is great...he has 4 daughters...I am the youngest.

He wasn't around much, but we knew he loved us and he never hesitated to hug us and kiss us. He did have trouble saying "I Love You"...we say it, and he'd say, "me too" We accepted that.

My dad is 78 years old. He openly says he loves us all the time now...and he grabs our kids and hugs them and just tells us all the time how much he loves our kids.


My husband's dad is 88...yeah....my husband is the youngest of three...a change of life baby. He didnt have much of a relationship with his dad, still doesn't...but neither do his older siblings (who are girls).

I think back then it was harder for the men to express themselves and you could only hope that the sons they have birthed, can change that.

My husband says he loves my son all the time...he hugs him...he doesn't shake his hand, like his dad does to him...

Great post Honey.

 

[angelicminx]

Amicus,

As I sit here thinking about my dad and how to respond to your post, one major thing comes to mind. My dad loves me, I know that beyond the shadow of a doubt, but he's not comfortable showing affection to his adult daughter.

We lost a large chunk of closeness due to events that happened when I was 12, which I won't get into, but he's always there for me when I need him. When I'd made the decision to divorce, around April 2005, he was the one I ran to, the one who's understanding and support I required. He held me in his arms and cried with me. He told me, "Sis, if a divorce is what will make you happy, then that's what you need to do."

The conversation was a lot more involved than that, with my father telling me he'd warned my ex that he was going to lose me if things didn't change. The main thing is, I had my father's full support, whether he agreed with my decision or not. He sat with me and cried with me, hurting because I was hurting.

On normal days, we don't hug and we don't say, "I love you." But he's there when I need him.

On the other side of the coin, I'm there when he needs me. He hit a bout of depression not too long ago. Or I guess you'd call it 'mortality'. He had a quadruple bypass in December. Death stared him in the face. He began thinking about all he hadn't done and all he wanted to do- like see his granddaughter grow up and have kids. The big thing, though, was thinking about his wife, my mother, and how he'd deal with HER death.

It still makes me cry to remember my big, strong daddy weeping at the thought of losing his wife. They don't show affection in public (which is anytime people are around), so I had NO idea of the depth of his feeling for her. At that moment, my daddy became a person. I held him in my arms, I stroked his head and I cried with him.

These are moments I hold in my heart, and will forever.

I also can't ask my father for comfort, but he seems to know when I need it and gives it willingly.

Be there for your daughters. If you want to tell them you love them, then do it. If you want to hug them or hold them, do it. Create the new memories to go with the old ones. From what you have described, your daughters may just need for you to break down the barrier.

 

[shereads]

I'll always remember this about my dad:

Our beagle had been hit by a car. We lived out in the country at the time, and most people let their dogs run loose. She was old and street-smart enough to look both ways before she crossed the road. But that day, the lure of the overturned garbage can across the street must have been too tempting.

My dad found her and wrapped her body in an old jacket. He said he was waiting until the rain stopped before burying her in the woods. It was a long wait. I went looking for him, and saw my dad pacing back and forth on the porch, crying silent tears, with the dog cradled in his arms like a child.

In our family, my dad inherited the unlovely jobs that no one else wanted to think about: having sick pets put to sleep when things were hopeless; staying up all night with my sister's horse when it was stung by wasps and needed ice packs. Years later, when the horse was dying from old age and an inoperable tumor, my dad babied him until there was no quality of life. Then he did what was easiest for the horse - and most difficult for my dad: he shot him, close range, between the eyes. The horse hated needles and the medicinal smell of his veterinarian; he'd have been afraid in his last moments, if my dad had chosen that way out. The gun meant nothing to the horse. It just was, and then wasn't. But for my dad, I know it was a terrible moment. Love can be terrible.

 

[Guest]

You are the sweetest man.

I long for that sometimes too. I stopped being "daddy's little girl" when I was 13 - neither one of us got over it, I think, due to several things that happened at the time.

Perhaps it's the root of my Electra complex.

Grown up now, we're friends. Affection is awkward, but appreciated.

 

[kendo1]

Ami

I'm still at the stage of having hugs from my daughter. She's just had her 11th birthday a month ago.
We can still talk about things that she feels she can't talk to my wife about. She snuggles up to me when we are watching TV. Totally innocent, and I pray that it will remain so (it's a great feeling) as she grows older.
Truth be told, I have the same relationship with my 13YO son.
My wife has more of a problem relating to them. Maybe it's just that she tries to keep the peace between them. Full of good intentions, but...
Maybe it just depends on the parent. I'm very laid back, horizontal in fact. The only thing that upsets me is bad manners. Hannibal would be proud of me.

Ken

 

[lewdandlicentious]

My daughter is now 11, just gone up to secondary school here in England.

She's just stopped holding my hand in public, something she used to do as a matter of course. "I'm at big school now Dad!!" Like I should understand!!!

I do, but I don't either.

I teased her anyway, another of my roles as a Dad.

But, just yesterday, when her beloved Hamster died, Dad's big strong arms were there. They always will be.

But still, I can't get the sound of her cry of despair, when she found her, out of my head.

A number of posts here have echoed my own thoughts and feelings on the subject: That you should always tell each other you love them, as you never know when it will be the last time, that you should always hug and kiss, just because you should.

I've kept a journal for my kids since she, the eldest was born. I write in it every few months or so. One entry I remember:

"It's right what they say about a fathers love for his daughter, it exceeds all else and nothing should stand in the way, and not fear the wrath and furious vengeance, should any misfortune befall her."

OK, I got the "furious vengeance" bit from pulp fiction, but I've never found a more fitting use for the phrase.

It's a fathers love isn't it??

What more of a description do you need??

 

[Guest]

My son just turned 13, and still very affectionate. I dreaed the day he pushes me away, yet I find myself doing it (in public) for fear of people looking at our affection in a negative way.

It's very sad that a parent's affection can be viewed so badly.