Fatal Kiss

TheNxtLeveL

Virgin
Joined
Dec 17, 2007
Posts
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Fatal Kiss

Memoirs from the Dark Side

The soft rays of moonlight, brings illumination within my crypt. It serves as a silent summons to awaken me. My eyelids snap open quickly. For a moment I just lay within my coffin looking at the satin white lining, thinking how for so many years it has given me comfort and security during the daylight hours. Or how it served to muffle the screams and cries of my prey as they awaken from my spell only to see the white of my fangs and the glow of my eyes coming toward them. Sometimes the smell of fear coupled with taste of blood can be such an aphrodisiac.

Tonight there lies something within me, that hasn’t been present in centuries, hesitancy,

It lingers within me like particles of smoke laying within the air. It is for the one I shall take tonight,. Ahnashia. She is so divine, and beautiful in stature and presence. I am most certain that if her lineage was traced, there would some type of royalty within her bloodline. It is always evident, something that is embedded within their beings. I see it in her, The way she sits, the way she moves as she speaks, and when she walks, it as if she had been announced, and she is entering the room to the sounds of her royal symphony. I love observing her. I met Ahnashia one night at the place they call Starbucks. I lurk there at nights observing the moderns, reading their minds and listening as they engage in idle chit chat while sipping on their Latte’s and Mocha’s, talking on their phones with no wires, and pecking away on their gadgets. I was taken aback at the price of these liquids, and even more so that they would pay for small amounts of water that comes in small plastic bottles with Asian and French names upon them. I am puzzled why some cost more than others. I remember as a child going down to the stream and drinking right from my hand. These moderns, and their vanity. I find it all so amusing. Anyway, I must go now



I find myself sitting at the table we always sit at. For some reason, it is always vacant when I arrive. I sit there reading the minds and listening to this couple across the room. She is talking up a storm, but even though it looks as if he’s paying attention, all that invades his mind is thoughts of her naked in his bed while he penetrates her unmercifully. Hmmmmmm, I like the devious ways of his thinking. Maybe I’ll………



Hey Otazon, how are you this evening? It is my dear Ahnashia, looking so devine in the latest casual fashions. Her blouse is soft and semi shear like, hanging from around her shoulders like the peasant blouses of old. She is wearing some well fitting denims that look as if the were painted on her, with high riding boots with the spike heel. She is gorgeous. She sits down and starts right in. Speaking of her day, and how she’s doing on her job, her goals and aspirations. I just sit there taking it all in. If I were mortal I know I would love and adore her, even more than I do now. But I am not. And the light of compassion is oh so dim within the black heart of a Vampire. She mentions that lately she hadn’t been receiving harassing phone calls from an old boyfriend who wanted her back. I grin and turn up my cup of coffee. As I take a slow sip, I can see the reflection of the horrid look in his eyes before I killed him, and taste of his evil blood. I slight grin come across my face. I am such a fiend sometimes. No hand shall ever harm or violate my Ahnashia. No hand accept mine. Yes, tonight I will take her. Tonight she will feel the sweet sting of my Fatal Kiss
 
Are we to assume you're looking for critical feedback?

MJL
 
A) This isn't really a story. B) The entire thing is description without life or dialogue. C) You need to learn punctuation. You even missed the period at the end.

Why did you post this?
 
I posted it because I wrote it. And I have no fear of criticism, and I want to make it a good story. Your absolutely right about punctuation, it's not my strength at all right now. I have someone to work with me on that. Do I think everyone will love my work? No, and I don't have a problem with it so give me all you got. I can take it.
Thanks
 
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Hi there, NxtLevel. Welcome to Lit.

Since it seems what you've posted so far is an opening, rather than a complete story, so there isn't enough to ascertain much with regard to plot, characterization, etc., I'll focus my comments on your prose.

You're weaving in some good atmosphere and imagery, and your language is lovely at times, but with a lot of little errors that detract from the positives.

The soft rays of moonlight, brings illumination within my crypt.

Problem: subject/verb agreement; should read rays...bring. The comma is extraneous.

It serves as a silent summons to awaken me.

I like that line--it's nicely atmospheric and has a sense of destiny about it.

My eyelids snap open quickly.

Here, “quickly” is extraneous. “My eyelids snap open,” is more powerful on its own, the “quickly” is implied, and having the word there just slows us down on an image you want to be instantaneous.

For a moment I just lay within my coffin looking at the satin white lining, thinking how for so many years it has given me comfort and security during the daylight hours. Or how it served to muffle the screams and cries of my prey as they awaken from my spell only to see the white of my fangs and the glow of my eyes coming toward them.

This is confusing; if the narrator and his victim are together inside the coffin (so it can muffle the screams) how much space is there really for him to come toward them? And if the coffin is closed, how do they see this happening?

It lingers within me like particles of smoke laying within the air.

Great imagery/simile.

It is my dear Ahnashia, looking so devine in the latest casual fashions. Her blouse is soft and semi shear like, hanging from around her shoulders like the peasant blouses of old. She is wearing some well fitting denims that look as if the were painted on her, with high riding boots with the spike heel. She is gorgeous.

Again, the “She is gorgeous,” at the end is unnecessary and, IMO, even detracts from the image you've crafted with nuanced details up until then. We're getting the picture, and subtlety is more seductive.

She mentions that lately she hadn’t been receiving harassing phone calls from an old boyfriend...

Should this be, “...she had been...” ?

There are quite a few spelling and punctuation errors, but it sounds like you've got someone who'll help you catch those in editing.

I like the little observations the narrator makes as he sits in Starbucks observing the “moderns.” A humorous bit of social criticism.

Hopefully some of that's helpful. Good luck.

-Varian
 
Finally! Thanks you so much for your observations. It is a continuing story. So I guess it not an official short story. I've done it segments. I also attempted to write the story through the main character's eyes. I took note on all the points that you brought up. I'll take this back into the factory and straighten it out. Thanks again.
 
Finally! Thanks you so much for your observations. It is a continuing story. So I guess it not an official short story. I've done it segments. I also attempted to write the story through the main character's eyes. I took note on all the points that you brought up. I'll take this back into the factory and straighten it out. Thanks again.

If I might make a suggestion, first person is tough. Second person nearly impossible. I'd try third person. That allows you to switch characters and drags you far away from the "me", "you" that gets pretty boring after a while. I tend to use first person when I have a character thinking to him/herself. Then switch back to third for the action. I just seems easier to me.
 
You need to break up the paragraphs into smaller blocks. Thumping great slabs of text are har to read onscreen and tend to turn people off (I'm assuming you will be seeking to put the finishe product on Lit).

I try to limit my paragraphs to six or seven lines maximum, and preferably have a few of two or three between each bigger one.

It's easier on the eyes that way.
 
Thanks for the info. I normally do erotic poetry. Heres my site
www.thenxtlevel.com

Check it out if and when you get a chance the puntuation thing is still the same......lol. But I'll be working on it.

Got your suggestions will be implimenting them. I have a few projects. I kind or move forward and then backwards. I dig what you guys are saying about development though. Thanks again.
 
You need to break up the paragraphs into smaller blocks. Thumping great slabs of text are har to read onscreen and tend to turn people off (I'm assuming you will be seeking to put the finishe product on Lit).

I try to limit my paragraphs to six or seven lines maximum, and preferably have a few of two or three between each bigger one.

It's easier on the eyes that way.
Thanks I'll take that into consideration as well
 
Hi there, NxtLevel. Welcome to Lit.

Since it seems what you've posted so far is an opening, rather than a complete story, so there isn't enough to ascertain much with regard to plot, characterization, etc., I'll focus my comments on your prose.

You're weaving in some good atmosphere and imagery, and your language is lovely at times, but with a lot of little errors that detract from the positives.

The soft rays of moonlight, brings illumination within my crypt.

Problem: subject/verb agreement; should read rays...bring. The comma is extraneous.

It serves as a silent summons to awaken me.

I like that line--it's nicely atmospheric and has a sense of destiny about it.

My eyelids snap open quickly.

Here, “quickly” is extraneous. “My eyelids snap open,” is more powerful on its own, the “quickly” is implied, and having the word there just slows us down on an image you want to be instantaneous.

For a moment I just lay within my coffin looking at the satin white lining, thinking how for so many years it has given me comfort and security during the daylight hours. Or how it served to muffle the screams and cries of my prey as they awaken from my spell only to see the white of my fangs and the glow of my eyes coming toward them.

This is confusing; if the narrator and his victim are together inside the coffin (so it can muffle the screams) how much space is there really for him to come toward them? And if the coffin is closed, how do they see this happening?

It lingers within me like particles of smoke laying within the air.

Great imagery/simile.

It is my dear Ahnashia, looking so devine in the latest casual fashions. Her blouse is soft and semi shear like, hanging from around her shoulders like the peasant blouses of old. She is wearing some well fitting denims that look as if the were painted on her, with high riding boots with the spike heel. She is gorgeous.

Again, the “She is gorgeous,” at the end is unnecessary and, IMO, even detracts from the image you've crafted with nuanced details up until then. We're getting the picture, and subtlety is more seductive.

She mentions that lately she hadn’t been receiving harassing phone calls from an old boyfriend...

Should this be, “...she had been...” ?

There are quite a few spelling and punctuation errors, but it sounds like you've got someone who'll help you catch those in editing.

I like the little observations the narrator makes as he sits in Starbucks observing the “moderns.” A humorous bit of social criticism.

Hopefully some of that's helpful. Good luck.

-Varian
Wow, this is very helpful, I printed it out and I'll be going over the notes appreciate it. I'll also be posting in the poetry section, which is really what I do mostly. Thanks oh by the way if you want to check my my site here's the link

www.thenxtlevel.com

Again thanks
 
Fatal Kiss 1

If I might make a suggestion, first person is tough. Second person nearly impossible. I'd try third person. That allows you to switch characters and drags you far away from the "me", "you" that gets pretty boring after a while. I tend to use first person when I have a character thinking to him/herself. Then switch back to third for the action. I just seems easier to me.

Theres been a lot goingin the last few weeks. Now the dust has finally cleared and I want to get back into my writing. I'm sure I responded to this but, in case I didn't, thank your input. Some have said your a head chopper. I just think you don't see the need for bullshit. Which I think is admirable quality myself. Again thanks for taking the time to give me some feed back.
 
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