Fantasy....

[dansemajik]

I have just posted four new fantasy stories. When they get approved(or rather if they get approved) would love some feedback, good, bad, or indifferent...Please..and thank you.

Danse

 

[dansemajik]

as soon as they post, I will include a link...
thanks Danse

 

[dansemajik]

the link

here is the link to Fantasy...enjoy, let me know what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=18559

Thank you Danse.

 

[floridaguy64]

Re: the link

here is the link to Fantasy...enjoy, let me know what you think.

GEEEEEEEZE Dansemajik..................... Gawd, that was so sexy..................as I knew what you would spill forth upon words would be. You are a luscious creature, are'nt you?

 

[floridaguy64]

Re: Re: the link

here is the link to Fantasy...enjoy, let me know what you think.

GEEEEEEEZE Dansemajik..................... Gawd, that was so sexy..................as I knew what you would spill forth upon words would be. You are a luscious creature, are'nt you?

Upon her eyes did once I gaze,
Such beauty I could only immagine...............

Such thoughts of heaven did I pray,
her eyes did burn in me for all of time...........

And as I look back into the haze,
my thoughts could only wonder ................

would she be thus, for only this unseen his?...............
or would she be mine for all of time?

As I look upon her eyes,
I pry the Lord that she be mine.


I know, I know.............no rimes, uneven at best............... yet this is the poetry that I know best!


All my love,...................... JC

 

[Bob Waters]

excellent

Excellent story, bittersweet and sexy as hell. All romance should have an ache to it.

 

[dansemajik]

Thank you..

I am pleased that my words touched you...where ever they did...

I am a woman who has known great pain...yet I hold hope for something better. I think that is what is in all my work, the book i am working on, my poetry, my fantasies, short stories....I have to believe that there is something better out there.

Florida guy...again, the poetry not so EA POE this time. Nice play on words...and the imagery...wow.

Thank you. T.

 

[Sonia_de_Beaumanoir]

feedback

The words and ideas are sweet and true.

I think a good editor might have helped with some typos and punctuation. Some things I notice:

The latter paragraphs were quite long, and readability would be enhanced by breaking them. In some cases you don't start a new paragraph with a change of speaker, which is a common fault.

Numbers should be spelled out.

There are many cases where commas are either overused or missing.

Hope this helped
Sonia

 

[dansemajik]

Thanks

The feedback I am getting is really helping me. I have trouble with the proper punctuation. I hated diagraming sentences in english too. I also know about my run on sentences, and long paragraphs. I am working on exercises to try to curb those.

I appreciate everyone who is taking time to help me out here. I hope to someday be a real writer. the book I am working on is more detailed to perfection since it will be a long term, long standing hard copy hardback. it is Called Dark Danse, and it is a suspense thriller...

For those of you who have emailed me telling me about websites to look at for clues...did that, and thanks, They will help a bunch.

Danse

 

[Dragonette]

Hi there

I read your story, A Fantasy and I must agree with a comment/comments by Sonia
I am also trying to write, and I have many of the same problems with grammar.
I have stories that have no real names to start with and I am battling with the he's and she's! As you can see, I have done bad grammar by starting these sentences as I and I and I again!
But yes, all numbers must be typed, let your word program help you with the punctuation, and NO net shortcuts with words, as in thru...and if you really wish a term as "drug" meaning brought up, use quotes or expain it.
Try to change wording so that not every sentence begins with He or She. (or I, LOL) I know it's difficult, I am still battling with my own stories!
Also, find someone to help, even re-reading it many times, we miss things, we know what it should say!
You have a few typos in person context, a he instead of a she, etc...!
I do understand, I do it myself. It is difficult to see it when you know what YOU mean.
I hope my comments help, I am battling also!