fantasy >>>> reality

[Mamid]

I have been raped non-consentually in a relationship. I also have had rape fantasies before and after the real rape. And there was also a consentual rape scene my then dom did with me.

There is a distinct difference between the real rape and the other two.

During the real rape, the man who did it - even though it was a date rape - didn't understand the word no. Didn't care if I ended up injured. Didn't care if he left bruises. Didn't stop when I begged him to. I ended up with bleeding both rectally and vaginally, nevermind feeling like I got punched in the stomach. Nor did the ass care about what he did to me and even threatened me with death afterwards for daring to go to the police. Like they did anything about it.

The rape fantasy I could stop when I wanted it stoped. I had full control of the scene. It wasn't real. It was all in my head. I could rewind a part and play it over or stop it completely or freeze an image or feeling to analyze it. It was mine to control and mine to use as I saw fit.

The scene that was done with me, because we had a safeword that meant "stop it now its too intense" I was able to let some of the control go. And when I did call the safeword, I was simply held and allowed to cry until I regained my composure. What was really important was that we had discussed it before hand. He knew I was still traumatized from what happened when I was raped and was having a hard time believing that he would stop when I told him to stop and was serious about it - you know how some people are "No doesn't mean No. it means More!" Sorta like like how some people take the words "no don't stop" and put their prefered punctuation in. I knew about safewords and we not only had the red-yellow-green ones for that (and I did use them), also had the "it stops now" one.

It helped get me over a trust issue with him and most other men as well. There's still others that cause me to almost squick, but now that I'm also getting older and wiser, I'm better able to deal with them.

The difference between the three is that the first one, no matter what I did, the chance of my being able to stop it is negligible. Fighting back could have left me dead or worse. The other two where fantasies. Even with the "loss of control" the scene had, I could still stop it if it had gotten too far.

Just because we have rape fantasies doesn't mean we want to be raped. Its just a fantasy. That doesn't mean I want to have it done to me.

 

[Penalt]

Rape is sex without consent. If there is informed consent there is no rape.

 

[dolf]

thankyou mamid for sharing that hon. i think a lot of us have had bad experiences and it can introduce an element of guilt to these fantasies....the " maybe i really did ask for it on some level?" thingy
i think that knowing the difference between these things and accepting our fantasies as ok is a big step in the healing process.
if i was as brave as you i would have brought this up in the first post so thankyou again.
xx

 

[Mamid]

Thank you.

I got into a huge online argument in a mailing list I'm on about whether a rape victim actually asks for it a few years ago. I think I won.

My arguement started to follow this train of thought:

Does an 8 year old girl ask for it? does an 80 year old one? what's different between the two?

then they got into the "but woman have fantasies about being raped all the time" argument as a retort.

To which I replied that just because it is a fantasy doesn't mean a woman wants to act on it. Just because the dweeb in the next cubicle is worthy of a permanent neck tournique doesn't mean you should provide one. It is a fantasy because in it she can simply let it run off on its ownsome and yet stop it by simply saying no. A real rape can't be stopped by her saying no and that isn't something she wants. She has power over the fantasy, but not over the reality.

When I was shown this one website, I had fantasies about being one of the women in it. That doesn't mean I wanted to be one, but that my mind was dealing with the concept and coming to grips with it and fully agreed the entire thing was a squick.

 

[dolf]

hehehe..."squick!"...i love that word
xx

 

[serijules]

I'm late replying but I haven't been around much lately.

The gap between what I fantasize about and what I would actually do gets narrower every day.

I used to fantasize about being fucked anally by a strange man while my Dom/me watched and not be allowed to orgasm. Being fucked because s/he wanted it, being treated as a toy.

Not that long ago, that fantasy came true, and it's no longer a fantasy, but a craving. Nearly a fetish of its own at times.

I used to fantasize about being fisted, bitten till I bleed, about being ordered to spend the day naked in her service, about being covered in wax and having it caned/quirted off me. Of being hurt until I was begging and sobbing for it to stop, and it doesn't. Only the first two are fantasies anymore, and not so much really fantasies as plans that we just haven't had time to explore just yet.

I found myself the relationship I've always craved...even that isn't a fantasy anymore. I'm collared and loving it.

She mentioned the other day that my 'list' probably needed to be updated (list being one of those BDSM checklists of limits and whatnot). I told her there was no point...as there wasn't anywhere I could think of that she could take me that I wouldn't willingly go. That's not to say that I don't have limits...they just don't apply to her, as I know she would never try to take me somewhere dangerous or illegal. Thus, the limits simply are not an issue with her.

So yeah....that gap is fast closing. We both have fantasies of where we want to go that are still fantasies only because we have not had the chance yet to make them reality. I have no doubts they won't be fantasies for long.

 

[FungiUg]

I've always felt that the mark of an excellent working relationship is where you can explore desires and fantasies, turning them into realities where possible (or appropriate). Otherwise... what's the point of being in the relationship in the first place?

Well done, sj.

 

[Etoile]

It's good to see your name again here, serijules.