Fantasy Merger by Caria Knight

[KillerMuffin]

Next up is Fantasy Merger by Caria Knight, a recent and wonderful addition to the circle. This is an Erotic Couplings story that appears to be set amongst co-workers.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=39188

A few leading questions:

This story is in present tense. Past tense is the mainstreamed convention, but by no means the rule. How does the use of present tense effect the feel of the story?

What was the most effective writer's tool that the author used? Why was it effective?

Without ruining it for anyone else, when you read the ending did it surprise you? Do you think it was done effectively? How could its impact have been improved, if at all?

 

[Ray Dario]

Caria;

Your story was very erotic and well written. You should be proud of it.

Writing in Present Tense is difficult and it usually distracts the reader from the story. For the most part yours did not although it did feel a little un-natural to me.

Your dialog was good, not at all stilted or contrived. Your descriptions were good as well, but here is a place you might consider working to improve. Sometimes you used the same word multiple times in the same description and other times the description just felt a little awkward.

Bringing her arm up around his head she holds him lightly to her neck as he begins to nip and bite at her neck. He knows how wild it drives her, she begins to groan softly under her breath.

This could be better maybe:

Reaching up to him, she gently pulls his lips down to her nape. He begins to nip and bite her, driving her wild and dragging a low moan from deep within her heaving breast

Okay, so I'm not much of a writer but maybe you get the idea

Overall I enjoyed the story very much. You did an excellent job.

Now on to your specific questions:

This story is in present tense. Past tense is the mainstreamed convention, but by no means the rule. How does the use of present tense effect the feel of the story?

Present tense is awkward for the reader. I didn't see anything in this story that necessitated the use of it. I wouldn't have done it. How did it affect the feel of the story? It made it awkward to read and IMHO detracted from the story.

What was the most effective writer's tool that the author used? Why was it effective?

Geez don't ask me. When I think of writer's tools I think of MS Word or my handy thesaurus. Not sure what your asking here, I am after all just a simple redneck from Texas.

Without ruining it for anyone else, when you read the ending did it surprise you? Do you think it was done effectively? How could its impact have been improved, if at all?

Yes, the ending did surprise me. It showed real creativity and you hid if from me pretty well through the story. You want to watch out for this though. You did it right, but it is very common for writers to slip and lie to the reader to make an ending a surprise. The other thing to watch for is to be sure to let the reader know your intention. I got it, but it was pretty subtle.

Hope this helps

Ray

 

[MaxSebastian]

I really enjoyed this story, it was well-written, nicely described with highly erotic charge - fantastic!

Using the present tense hass to be done well to be effective, I think, and here it has been. The trouble with the present tense for me is that it can sound poorly thought out. When I write a story, often I will write a 1,000 word outline before going on to write the actual story itself, and my outline will be in the present tense (so-and-so does this, then he does that, then he goes here, then he meets her like this, he feels like that... and so on). Sometimes when I read a story on literotica in the present tense that hasn't been well-written, it seems to me like someone has written an outline for a story and then not bothered to go back to the beginning and actually write the story with all the description, character and setting included along with that plot outline. It can also sound like a movie screenplay, which is fine for a movie, but not for a short story.

Here, though, the writer wins, for the simple reason that to make the present tense truly work, you have to be eloquent in the use of it. You have to make it transcend the kind of present tense use that might occur when a friend tells another friend about a movie, and it's done here mainly through good description I think.

I think one of the most effective tools the Caria used in this story was the internal monologue - the piece was driven along by the lead character's thoughts and recollections of the day at work. It was effective, because it guided the reader's own imagination to exactly where the author wanted it to go, eventually steering it round to the twist. No twist without the lead character's thoughts being brought out. And character thinking can be so badly done here on literotica - such as putting thoughts in quotation marks and putting endless 'he thought' or 'she thought' tags next to ever single thought of every single character. Here, the thoughts were nicely blended into the narrative perfectly, so they didn't slow down the flow.

Without spoiling the ending for the reader, the ending did surprise me a little. It was the kind of ending I should have been expecting - it's a fairly classic ploy for the short erotic piece - but the writer did well to conceal the evidence in the build-up, and so it worked well here.

The only thing I'd say that really worried me about this piece was the lead character's recruitment policy for his business. Surely there's something amiss with that!

 

[DRxBlue]

Dear Caria Knight,(seems funny to be using a real name here)

Wonderful story, especially for a first effort. i found the erotic content to be very well paced and 'tangible' in a way that is too rare.

i think that using the present tense was quite necessary for the effect of the story. The immediacy of the main character's action's have to be in "real time" to set off the Walter Mitty type excursions he drifts into with the receptionist in his mind.

i think the best effect you used was the real/fantasy dissolves. The laundry table turning into a desk, the phones ringing unanswered, the coworkers walking past. Him sweeping the clothes off the laundry table as if they were filing folders on a desk.

i would even suggest, should you ever rewrite this theme, that you take it to first person present tense. For example:

~~~~~~~~
<i>Take your time. I'm not interested in food." I tell her, watching her body flex as she folds our clean clothes. I'm thinking of that new receptionist again, it's HER I see bending over her desk. I walk up behind her and grab her by the waist. She's mine for the taking, just the way I planned.</i>
~~~~~~~~
that kind of thing

You could even emphasize the fact that the wife is something ordinary and everyday, while the receptionist is new, exciting and exotic.

First person would give you full access to all of his thoughts and let you use that "stream of conciousness" style James Joyce developed. i think that's the way fantasy works in real life.

You hypnotize yourself with thoughts like:
"This ISN'T my boring old wife I'm fucking--it's that Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, NO that girl who works at the video store--Yeah that's it."

Well, i think SOME people do that.

Now as for the ending, i was not surprised, but i don't know why. i've read the story over several times trying to see if you foreshadowed or "telegraphed" the ending anywhere, but you didn't.

Somehow--i knew before the first paragraph was over what was going on, but it's not your fault. Because it misfired for me, i gave your story a VERY thorough scrutiny and the end SHOULD be a surprise.

i should point out that you used two forms of the word "devilish" very close together at the beginning. i'm not good at pointing out things that are wrong, but i think i can help you find your strengths

Your technique is very well developed, and your sexual imagery quite compelling. i might have a fetish for laundry rooms now.

That's all i've got. Keep it up! Welcome to Lit!

 

[Caria Knight]

My apologies for the delay in replying here, I was out of town for a family emergency.

A little about me and my writing:

I started writing erotica about a year ago as a way to express myself. At the time it was for no one else’s enjoyment but my own. Before that time I had never even read any erotica but after I began to write I became much more interested in reading others works and sharing my own. None of my previous work was "publishable quality" and it took some time and almost a complete rewrite to make Fantasy Merger into what it is today. This is my first "published" work and I hope through these discussions to learn a great deal more about writing and how to express myself.

I'll return home tonight (I'm at work right now) and review what you've all been kind enough to say. I just wanted to make sure and comment as soon as I saw this. So thanks in advance for your honest thoughts and suggestions.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

For what it's worth, I didn't care for this story. The constant use of first person, even in the first paragraph flashback, became tedious.

This is a personal bias, but one "devilishly" is one too many. One "devilish" two paragraphs later is one variation too many.

There were at least two paragraphs in which every sentence began with "He" "She" or "They".

The final twist was clever, but too subtle.

---

Now for a stab at KM's questions:

"How does the use of present tense effect the feel of the story?"
Negatively.

"What was the most effective writer's tool that the author used? Why was it effective?"
Best I can tell, it was "indefinite pronouns". For me at least, they were confusing and distracting.

"...when you read the ending did it surprise you? Do you think it was done effectively? How could its impact have been improved, if at all?
No. IMHO, the ending is too subtle. I'd suggest either changing the wife's parting words to indicate more clearly that she was the "new" receptionist OR, as she's leaving, include some physical descriptions, such as hair & eye color, that match those of the "new" receptionist.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Idle_Hands]

Caria,

I enjoyed your story, and overall don't have that much to say.

The use of present tense was very distracting to me at first, but once the sex started over the laundry it seemed to work. I wonder what possibilities there are for switching tenses mid-stream. I've only tried writing in the present tense a bit, and have decided to leave it for more experienced hands than myself.

I really empathised with the man during the first paragraph. You did a great job of communicating his distraction with the beautiful new secretary. I've been in his shoes.

I also liked the way his mind shifted back and forth from home to the office, and slowly clued us in to what was going on.

I'd say the first few paragraphs could use some work, but I'm afraid I can't tell you what they need. Also, the sentence at the end about walking away confused me. I thought he was the one walking.

I also wonder how the whole thing would work in the past tense.

Good work, keep at it.

 

[MaxSebastian]

...The final twist was clever, but too subtle... IMHO, the ending is too subtle. I'd suggest either changing the wife's parting words to indicate more clearly that she was the "new" receptionist OR, as she's leaving, include some physical descriptions, such as hair & eye color, that match those of the "new" receptionist.

Well, I like subtle. It's good once in a while, it keeps readers on their toes.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

"Well, I like subtle. It's good once in a while, it keeps readers on their toes." MAX

Max, your right and Caria deserves a lot of credit, which I failed to give in my critique, for trying something different from the usual grunt and groan "epic".

Problem is, if the story's main twist is TOO subtle, which IMHO it is, the chances for the reader missing it are greatly increased. Hiding the wife's identity until the end makes sense-hiding it at the end doesn't. RF

 

[Whispersecret]

Forgive me, I don't have the time to read the whole story, but I had one quick comment. I just skimmed over the beginning, only because Idle Hands said he didn't know what was bothering him/her about it.

What I found is too many modifiers. THis could just be personal taste, but this description is over-written and needs to be tighter.

Her long, fire-red hair flows around her shoulders and back, enhancing her perfectly tanned skin and complimenting her emerald-green eyes and ruby-red lips. She wears a sheer white, very low-cut top that accents her large firm breasts. They're nestled in a white lace bra that could easily be seen through the silk-like blouse. Every time he glanced her way all he could focus on were impressions from her hard nipples piercing into the shimmering material as if they were trying to escape. When she walks out from behind her desk he can't help but stare at her long, toned legs barely covered by a short black skirt, but lightly covered by the black stockings with a seam that ran enticingly up the back of her legs and walked in slender-strapped black heels.

I'd remove many of the adjectives. If her hair flows around her back and shoulders, it's assumed to be long, so I'd delete long. You have a verb tense change when you say "Every time he glanced her way all he could focus on were..." Her legs are "barely covered" and "lightly covered," in the same sentence. Many of the nouns have more than one modifier. You describe the blouse as sheer, and then later unnecessarily say the bra is visible through it. That last sentence is kinda awkward. Here's what I'd end up with if it was my paragraph:

Her fire-red hair flows around her shoulders and back, complimenting her green eyes and ruby-red lips. A sheer, low-cut top accents her breasts so that all he can focus on are her hard nipples piercing the white lace as if trying to escape. When she walks out from behind her desk he can't help but stare at the long, toned legs. Probably because the seam of her black stockings lead his eyes upward from the strappy heels she wears, up along her long legs to the shadow under her skirt.

Again forgive my presumption in re-writing. Sometimes a concrete example is better than me trying to explain what I think needs to be fixed.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi Caria,

This is a respectable first effort, congratulations. Generally it's well edited. Overall, it's well written in a kind of straightforward style, though there are occasional noticeable errors like 'compliment' in the first lines.

I agree with Whisper Secret about the 'overwriting', and the first para is a good example. In fact the first para is a kind of standard opening porn thing, listing the attributes of the lady to be chased or fucked later. It telegraphs most of the story.

In the passage quoted below, a key one, certain things stand out, besides the he/she sentences already pointed to. It's a detailed list of acts, largely devoid of feeling. The tongue does this, the hand does that, the leg is bent. What's the purpose of all of this? My experience is of *lessened* erotica/and sexual impact from such a list.

We live in a time when 'all' can be told, and that's been true for more than a decade. We can have details of labia minora, how many drops of precum, how exactly the nipples are tweaked. That by itself *was* enough to be a turn on.
If one looks at published erotica, now, though, much more is happening, and, oddly, imo, some of the hottest stories are a little sparing in detail; we don't have to know if first the cock went in 1/4 as opposed to 1/2.

It's of course 'freeing,' now, to be able to write anything, perhaps the detail helps liberate you. You certainly can handle it.

You do end with 'complete emotional and physical satisfaction,' but that's not really been prepared for, unless the skillful details of sex are supposed to make it happen (common porn fantasy). Not much is earlier known of emotions of either of the characters. Occasionally the man thinks of the woman at the office, but that's about it, except that he is 'driven wild with lust'.

The surprise. Well, the setting's a bit different, but having wife
'tart up' and meeting her somewhere by mutual agreement is standard. It's more common that the sex occur elsewhere. With your 'tease elsewhere, but fuck back home,' approach, you are forced to have him keep remembering how she was looking. It worth considering whether erotic impact is lost: As opposed to "He ran his hand up the seams and his cock sprung up, and he flung her across his desk" [the scene, elsewhere]; you have to have, "He touches her leg and remembers the seams and get turned on by the image of what earlier happened." Presumably the same for her. There is no easy answer: it's your story, but there's something to be said for a hot bang of the redhead at the office then coming home to a cozy, if prosaic life (but both remember how hot was.)

I'm not doubting a possible story of mostly sexual detail, but I would have to be fresh and striking, e.g. Susanne Indigo's
"Red Dress."

Keep up the writings. Build on your strengths. *Read* the best stuff. Despite my quarrels over certain issues, I would have a good prognosis for your writing.

Jack
abashed-dreamer.

He stops deep within her; she pulls herself upright meeting his wanting lips. Their tongues fight for control inside each other's mouth as she still shakes from the after effects of her second orgasm. He grinds his groin into hers, letting her know it's not over yet, then slowly withdraws. He then lifts her, standing her in front of him and spins her around and bends her over the desk.

His hand slowly slides upward from the small of her back, each curve just how he thought it would be. Gripping that long red hair in his fist, he gently pulls her back kissing the nape of her neck and across her shoulders and down her back. She moans at his touch, bends her leg up and starts rubbing her foot up and down his leg. As her foot touches him he notices a pair of black stockings draped over a shelf behind the table. His mind is thrown back to the office, the silky stockings, the long legs and that sultry seam that shows where to go. The thought drives him wild with lust and he quickly aligns himself with her and thrusts hard into her.

Reaching between her and the table he gropes at her chest as their hips move rhythmically together. His fingers pinch and tweak at her sensitive nipples. She grips the table as he lunges faster and deeper, moaning loudly as he thinks of those sexy black stockings on those long firm legs and tight ass that meets him with each thrust. He moves one hand down until he's rubbing against her swollen clit, his other hand now clawing at her hair, neck and back. Her moans grow louder and faster as she once again begins to climax, her muscles gripping tightly at him as she shakes uncontrollably. He can't control himself any longer; he wraps his arms around her and growls as he lifts her slightly form the floor with a last powerful lunge, releasing his hot seed into her.

They collapse against the desk, his hot cock still buried deep inside her. Lying there he strokes her hair gently, looking deep into her eyes, feeling complete emotional and physical satisfaction.
[end quote]

 

[Caria Knight]

Thank you all for this. I've just began working on my second story and these comments and suggestions are coming in extreamly handy. With most of what has been said here, I can see exactly what is meant. Hopefully my second piece will be much better. And if it is, I have all of you to thank!

I would like to ask KM to add her critique as well if she's willing. I'd love to hear what she has to offer.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Sorry it took so long, Caria, but I posted that about twenty minutes before I left on spring break and no it wasn't fun. I went to my mother-in-law's house and worked. Yuck.

Anyway.

As a rule, I don't like present tense. It's like second person, very difficult to do well. I'm afraid that you didn't exactly succeed in it. The very first two words were "He walks. . ." If I were to be looking for something to read, those two words would make me bypass you. Why? The subject is underwhelming and walks is not only a boring version of how someone moves, but it's one of those things that you never need to explain to a reader. Usually when someone goes into a house they walk. I didn't particularly care that the house was a big victorian either, it wasn't a detail that had anything to do with the plot. Whisper in her valued wisdom explained about the adjectives and adverbs. They are also big turn offs. What you need to use are phrases. Instead of "large, Victorian style house"-- I don't really know what that is-- try something like "house straight from a warm Thomas Kinkaid painting." You're looking for dynamic description, not static description.

One of the problem you have with present tense is knowing when not to use it. For instance, he's thinking about his receptionist while he's at home. Okay. He should be doing it in past tense because the receptionist isn't standing in front of him, she's in his past.

The primary reason I dislike present tense is the narrative distance you put in between the narrator-- and consequently your readers-- and the characters. Particularly when you use third person. It's very difficult to imagine that a character is speaking to the reader in present tense, unlike past tense. Why? People don't discuss what they're doing while they're doing it. Present tense tends to give the narrator a character role even when there is none. For instance: "He knows how wild it drives her, she begins to groan softly under her breath." This is a rather evocative sentence, but it's difficult for me to believe that it's coming from the character himself. I'm instantly distanced from the characters.

This is all personal preference, by the way. Muffie does not like to read present tense anymore than she likes to read second person.

Dialogue is a tool that you didn't get much mileage out of. Five instances of speech? I'm a big fan of dialogue because that's the best way to get to know a character. It's the best way to build up sexual tension because it's the best way for characters to connect with each other. Another problem with your dialogue was the tagging. You should never use "said" or any version thereof unless it cannot be made clear who is speaking any other way.

" "I'm sure it will. Take your time," he says as he watches the muscles in her stomach move as she folds."

" "I'm sure it will. Take your time." He watches the muscles in her stomach move as she folds."

Same thing, less words, more effective.

This is the best method for editing your own work: Write it-- do not edit as you write. Wait a couple of weeks without peeking. Go back and edit for typos, spelling, errata. Cut mercilessly. Words. Cut them out, you don't need that many even though you like them. When you figure out how to do that, let me know. I've never managed to hold a story back from submission longer than the minute and a half it takes to scan for the red lines my word processor sticks under misspellings and bad language.

I've already answered my present tense question, now for the others.

I think the most effective writer's tool you used was the immersion into his fantasy trick. You managed to pull together the dual fantasy covering reality thing so well that they merged seamlessly and believably despite the whole present tense issues that I have. You pulled his thoughts into the readers face very nicely.

The ending was pretty good, for the most part. I didn't get it for a little while, but I'm obtuse. I had to read it a few times.