Fantasy/Medieval BDSM story

[EvieRoak]

Hello again! I'd love some gut reactions or critique for my newly accepted story, Butterfly. It focuses on a new relationship between two assertive personalities (male and female).

It was edited by the lovely Nala Cayenne of Unmasked Online and the Lit* editors program.

Thanks much!
- Evie R.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Evie, welcome.

You are clearly an already accomplished writer so I wouldn't dream of insulting you with any trite remarks about being a great newbie.

I was a bit jarred by your first line;

"How displeasing," an only recently familiar voice said from the doorway.

A bit convoluted for my taste - 'a recently familiar' would do. You do at times complicate your writing to convey a pseudo-politeness without ever telling us when the story is set historically. Victorian, Regency - the social niceties are defined by the epoque.

That said, I enjoyed your story very much. Unlike most BDSM you teased the power exchange between the two protagonists sweetly. I thought you let Greer 'interfere' a shade too long, but that's just my take. I thought you rather hurried the punishment and sexual fulfillment part after the delicate build-up, which left you little scope for 'butterfly' to renounce her feistiness and accept her master's control.

I don't know what others think, but I prefer to have some names rather than just the personal pronouns. Despite your good writing, you do have a tendency to 'tell' the story rather than 'show' it.

Nuff said, I sound like an editor. Butterfly is a fine piece of work that deserves its pink square. You are talented and I would hope in future stories you allow yourself scope to explore your characters thoughts and emotions a bit more.

Well done

Elle

 

[EvieRoak]

Elle,

Thank you so much for your reply! I am gratified to be called an accomplished writer. In truth, while many stories float around my head, I have not put the proverbial pen to paper often enough.

I agree that I tend to tell rather than show. I find it difficult to show much in erotica, as it becomes hard to keep track of what is actually happening.

About character names: Names create preconceptions about characters. Perhaps I should open my writing up to that as a challenge, but I do try to write so that, if at all possible, my reader can find him or herself in the story.

- Evie R.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Elle,

Thank you so much for your reply! I am gratified to be called an accomplished writer. In truth, while many stories float around my head, I have not put the proverbial pen to paper often enough.

I agree that I tend to tell rather than show. I find it difficult to show much in erotica, as it becomes hard to keep track of what is actually happening.

About character names: Names create preconceptions about characters. Perhaps I should open my writing up to that as a challenge, but I do try to write so that, if at all possible, my reader can find him or herself in the story.

- Evie R.

You are dead right - names create preconceptions. There's a thread floating around here about that. Nigel is not Fred, Araminta is not Kelly. However, if you think of the TV shows, everyone's got names but when they talk to each other they actually face camera and talk to us. Again, only my opinion, but I feel I'm there squatting in the room when Lord Duncan talks to his wife, Eugenie. 'He' and 'She' put me a bit back in the audience.

By 'showing' I mean more letting the characters talk and feel and leaving the narrator to just paper over the cracks. For example, in Butterfly you never used smell or taste and only used hearing for speech - not cries of passion as warm secretions slid... You know what I mean.

I think Butterfly is great. He is wanting to mark his territory but with a nuance of diffidence. She is coming to terms with the inevitability of female submission in those times. A perfect plot - but whose side are we on? We, the simple readers, tend to want to cheer for one side