Fantasy Fan fic: a fallen paladin plays the harlot

[Maeven_quinn]

Hey.. so this is the first erotic fan fic I've shared here. It's part 1 of what will be a three part story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-draenei-defiled-pt-01

Takes place in the World of Warcraft EU, after the events of Wrath of the Lich king. The sex is rough, and the main character is an exhibitionist.

My big question is does this first section make a reader curious enough about the main character, and the past that she alludes to, to continue reading to the next section? Do the supporting characters seem real enough yet?

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

I'm in a bad mood. So, for me, a good rule of thumb is get out of the first paragraph without any typos. Read it aloud to yourself. Maybe I'm just not getting it.

"I never went back to the Exodar. It beckoned me [,?] still too close [to?] the crown of the world. The chill of Azuremyst isle offered me no comfort. By the Naaru, duty did not compel me either. I had given my duty and [the?] light of the Naaru did not shine upon me as I shivered alone with only freezing blood to seal my wounds. No, I had explored the world I fought to save. I had gone south, across the sea, and across the sea again."

So you are wounded? But the next sentence you are riding a horse? Or you are a horse? ",my hooves..."

then "This is my pervasion." pervasion? Like becoming diffused throughout every part?

I think i'll try another story.

 

[OnnaDare]

Hey.. so this is the first erotic fan fic I've shared here. It's part 1 of what will be a three part story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-draenei-defiled-pt-01

Takes place in the World of Warcraft EU, after the events of Wrath of the Lich king. The sex is rough, and the main character is an exhibitionist.

My big question is does this first section make a reader curious enough about the main character, and the past that she alludes to, to continue reading to the next section? Do the supporting characters seem real enough yet?

I guess, for me anyway, I don't know enough about your "World" to fill in the gaps, a lot of information is shared/told in a few short sentences. It is a "Fan-fic," and fans may be able to join your world and understand it better than a casual reader.

A little more description (and proof-reading) would be a nice touch. Some of your wordsmithing is truly nice. Write for yourself, of course, but remember your readers would like to be able to enter your world. Show it to us - Let us in!

Description, used well, can be quite arousing to your readers!

Keep up the good work!

 

[Bramblethorn]

Seconding astuffedshirt_perv, this story could've done with more proof-reading. There were quite a few spelling/grammar issues and at least one continuity hole ("I had long since discarded or sold my armaments" shortly after mentioning that she still has a hammer). I'd recommend finding a beta reader to help catch these.

It leans very heavily on the source material. It's been ten years since I played WoW, but I still noticed a lot of very specific stuff that you're checking off - the training corral quest, retrieving scraps of cloth from smugglers, etc. etc.

That runs the risk of shutting out any reader who isn't immersed in that material, as with astuffedshirt_perv's confusion about hooves. Even for me, I felt like the original part of the story was in danger of being swamped by the allusions to in-game stuff. It worked best when you were fleshing out the characters and describing events that don't depend on knowing the game lore... but readers who are still playing may feel differently about this.

 

[Maeven_quinn]

Thanks for the comments both of you.

Incidentally, I don't remember a training corral quest.

I re-submitted a more proofread copy. I hoped software I used would've helped me catch the errors with a different proofreading method.

Sadly, I was mistaken.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Thanks for the comments both of you.

Incidentally, I don't remember a training corral quest.

I re-submitted a more proofread copy. I hoped software I used would've helped me catch the errors with a different proofreading method.

Sadly, I was mistaken.

Software will catch some things, but it's no substitute for a human reader.

I don't know if it's still there, but back when I played, there was a quest that involved doing combat training. IIRC there were three stages, and one of them required waiting to strike until the trainer lowered her guard; if you timed it wrong you got shield-blocked hard. I remember it because playing at 200 ms latency made it an exercise in masochism. And IIRC that quest took place in a little corral in a village somewhere, so I assumed you were referencing that.