Falling in love

[KerrBear85]

When you are having a relationship and you have no real desire of falling in love with that person or that you just plan on not falling in love with them, how often do you succeed in keeping your heart locked away? Or do you feel that you will more likely fall in love with the individual?

 

[TheRealFATANG]

You should worry more about the other person falling in love when you are not. That is total suckage, unless you have no empathy or conscience.

 

[KerrBear85]

You should worry more about the other person falling in love when you are not. That is total suckage, unless you have no empathy or conscience.

Yeah, how do you handle that situation? I mean, I've had boyfriends that I wasn't really into and when I broke it off they fell apart and started crying in front of me and begging me not to leave. I felt like a total cunt, but I seriously didn't want to continue the relationship and I wasn't a bitch when I broke up with them either. But I feel that's far less painful, although more inconvenient, than being the one who's in love when you promised (at least to yourself) that you would not love.

 

[Cathleen]

Wow, you just took my brain for a ride here.

How do you promise yourself not to fall in love? I'm wondering why you'd be in a semi or long term relationship if you have no intention of becoming attached emotionally. It seems like you're using the other person somehow but I still don't get what you're asking, can you un-confuse me?

Date casually?

 

[emap]

I beleive Kerrbear is talking in reference to swinging.

The only good way of not falling in love with someone you are sleeping with is to sleep with someone you can't stand. I'm not talking occassionaly dumb or annoying, I'm talking all the time can't stand, so bad you don't want them to talk just have sex with you.

Problem is, I've never wanted sex with a person I couldn't stand, even when drunk and horny and dying to get laid, I never did anything with those people. Well there was once but he was ugly not a horrible person.

That is actually the hard part of swinging I guess, never been a swinger. To actually be a swinger and not lose your main partner you have to be able to seperate sex with emotions and I think not really do much with your sometime partners besides get together for sex.

 

[TallMan60]

I think that falling in love is a pretty conscious choice. I love and and in love with my wife. I do play on here, and there are even times when I have feelings for people, and even loving feelings. But I have decided that I'm not going to fall in love because I have settled that matter.

I know the limitations of online and long distance relationships, I know things when at a distance are never as they seem or feel (even though they can feel really real); I have been through all of that.

So it really is a decision about how you want to proceed with your life. You can go with the feelings or not, but either way is a choice.

 

[TheRealFATANG]

Yeah, how do you handle that situation? ... I felt like a total cunt

Then you handled it correctly.

I date women I am attracted to, I like them, I get attached, but I'm not in love with them. I make my position clear, but they still fucking fall in love, I can see it in their eyes. Why date them? Because I like women. I say "casual dating" to them, more than once, and it doesn't matter. They think they can make me love them or something, in time, but they can't. I know what I love, but apparently, so do they. I try to tell them not to love me, that it won't be reciprocated, but love is blinding. You just have to be a piece of shit and break it off before you make it worse for them. It's my fault I guess, I dunno, one of the many reasons I'm going to hell.

Seriously, what am I supposed to do, sit home and be celibate? Be even more anti-social? F that.

 

[angle1984]

I don't believe love is a choice. Its something you develop and feel whether you choose to or not. It just happens. The most you can do to protect the other person is to be upfront with them and tell them you don't want anything serious. I've been in love before in a situation where I knew it couldn't be returned. Yeah it was a rough time but I got over it. I couldn't blame him for it as I went into the relationship with my eyes wide open. I'm still friends with him now and I have a soft spot for him. At the time I wished I hadn't fallen for him but I did and it was a learning and growing experience for me and I don't regret it. It would be nice if you could turn love on and off but IMO you can't, it just happens.

 

[kaycee217]

When you are having a relationship and you have no real desire of falling in love with that person or that you just plan on not falling in love with them, how often do you succeed in keeping your heart locked away? Or do you feel that you will more likely fall in love with the individual?

I'm pretty good at keeping my "heart locked away."

If you really psyche yourself out (from the very beginning) not to fall for the person, it is possible (for me at least) to not fall for the person.

Think of your interactions with that person as "business." They are in your life to help accomplish one of your goals (get you off, reduce your boredom, help you at work, whatever). I think being in an existing relationship should make it easier since you could take the approach that this person is a "side dish" with your current significant other being the "main course."

 

[KerrBear85]

I'm pretty good at keeping my "heart locked away."

If you really psyche yourself out (from the very beginning) not to fall for the person, it is possible (for me at least) to not fall for the person.

Think of your interactions with that person as "business." They are in your life to help accomplish one of your goals (get you off, reduce your boredom, help you at work, whatever). I think being in an existing relationship should make it easier since you could take the approach that this person is a "side dish" with your current significant other being the "main course."

LOL. Hubby is a lobster and the other person is the steamed veggies?

Thanks everyone for the replies. I figure it just best to keep the other couple/individual around for sexual purposes only. That way neither I nor my hubby has a real chance of falling in love with the steamed broccoli.

 

[coastal-boy]

love happens. When I searched for it I never found it. When I stopped looking, it was there. I think it has alot to do with what I was looking for in the first place and sometimes being honest with myself is one of the hardest things I can do. Funny thing about love...it is so unpredicatable...but isn't that part of what makes it so enticing?

 

[Mobri]

If you're concerned about falling for the side dish I think it's important to clarify if they're interested specifically in swinging. Many guys will say yes to having sex with you and put up with whatever they need to in order to have said sex, but not be alright with the situation as a whole.

Not falling for the other person is also about knowing that they, too, will stick to the rules and not behave too romantically toward you.

I'm running on no sleep here, so I hope that made sense. And I hope I helped answer the question; I was a little fuzzy on the specific question.

 

[lennythelion]

Not falling for the other person is also about knowing that they, too, will stick to the rules and not behave too romantically toward you.

I think this is important. It's very much about behaviour. If two (or more) people are in a relationship they know has no future, and they behave in a casual way in their interactions, then up to a certain point it is possible for them to not give in to any sentiments that might start niggling at them as they get to know each other better.

However, if someone starts voicing sentiments, behaving romantically, and otherwise not playing by the rules, it becomes a lot harder to control one's emotions.

I speak from both types of experience.

 

[TriumphGuy]

You can't control who you fall for. It just happens. It's up to you whether or not you wish to recognize it for what it is or run away screaming.

 

[littlebabyclit]

love happens. When I searched for it I never found it. When I stopped looking, it was there. I think it has alot to do with what I was looking for in the first place and sometimes being honest with myself is one of the hardest things I can do. Funny thing about love...it is so unpredicatable...but isn't that part of what makes it so enticing?

That is just a beautiful post. So eloquent. Actively looking and hoping for love can be like waiting for water to boil, for some.


My thoughts on the topic: I'm not sure what I believe about people being able to control (or not control) falling in love. I don't have enough experience with the process to really say. But I tend to believe that what people refer to as "falling in love" is often a lot of other things other than actually than what I consider to be love. In fact, on some days, I'm not even sure the sentimental, idealized "love" of which people are fond of, even really exists. It can often be an emotionally conjured mirage that dissipates when one's alleged needs stop being met. For those most prone to that version of falling in love, then it's probably easy to lose oneself. But if you're a lot more analytical about love (as I am) you're much less likely to be susceptible to the "losing one's heart" version of surrender that people worry is going to ambush them when they don't want it.

Aaaaiiiiiiiieeeee, does that make sense?

 

[kaycee217]

LOL. Hubby is a lobster and the other person is the steamed veggies?

Thanks everyone for the replies. I figure it just best to keep the other couple/individual around for sexual purposes only. That way neither I nor my hubby has a real chance of falling in love with the steamed broccoli.

Not a bad approach, as long as you like lobster more than steamed veggies.