Falling For A Girl

[BenevolentDCC]

For all of you who may be interested in the story Falling For A Girl, this is the place to be. Feel free to message me here, reply to this thread, or talk amongst yourselves about this series. I will comment when asked or whenever the conversation allows it.

 

[Combat323]

We're not that ambitious.

If you don't paste in a link to the story, it's highly unlikely that anyone will go looking for it, much less become excited enough to talk amongst ourselves about it; even if we all do admire your self-assurance and optimism.

 

[BenevolentDCC]

Oops

Link: www.literotica.com/s/falling-for-a-girl-ch-01-10

Sorry I didn't provide it before. This piece has not been thoroughly edited so please be gentle.

 

[Combat323]

Sadistic Literotican's Vicious Feedback:

Link: www.literotica.com/s/falling-for-a-girl-ch-01-10

Sorry I didn't provide it before. This piece has not been thoroughly edited so please be gentle.

Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit. There's a lot more that's good than bad in this story. Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are all fine. The paragraphs are short and easy to read on-line. The story line is logical enough.

I've got a few suggestions that I think would tighten this piece up and make for a better read. Keep in mind that much of this is stylistic opinion rather than right-or-wrong:

1. Find and eliminate forms of the verb "to be" and their associated -ing verbs.

Callie was daydreaming as her feet carried her across the neatly manicured walkways of the college quadrangle. The soft pit-pat-pit-pat of her flip flops slapping the soles of her feet was a background noise to the orchestral program of nature all around her

Just Callie daydreamed as her feet... would work just fine. The second instance of was isn't as bad, and you don't have to get rid of to-be verbs completely. You could change it to something like The soft pit-pat-pit-pat of her flip flops slapped the soles of her feet in a light percussion behind the orchestra of nature all around her

2. Cut, cut, cut. You could really trim some fat from this prose and get it in fighting shape. (note "orchestra" vice "orchestral program" above.) Also, in this part:

Birds chirped, squirrels chittered playfully at one another while swishing their bushy tails, and the late august breeze whipped dry leaves across the grass. Callie breathed in the sights and sounds allowing them to completely fill her thoughts.

Could be just:
Birds chirped, squirrels chittered, the late august breeze whipped dry leaves across the grass. Callie breathed in the sights and sounds.

It feels as though there's a little overkill in setting up Callie's absorption in a bucolic setting, and it kind of telegraphs that her reverie is about to be interrupted.

3. Small-ball one here:

Pushing the offensive (offending?) backpack off of her face

4. In the first exchange of dialogue, it's strange that the girl is talking to Callie while facing away from her. It's also hard to form a picture of how the girl could be facing away, tugging the bicycle off of Callie, and be able to stop and spin on her heels. It's like you set her up that way so they could have the -- cue the angelic choir -- "AAAAAAAAAAAHH!" moment when they finally made eye contact.

5. POV. It seems as though Callie is the POV character, but then there's this:

The girl's eyes had narrowed in anger but a light blush colored her cheeks, maybe it was also from anger, maybe . . .

Callie was too shell-shocked to notice the blush.

So now the omniscient narrator has stepped in and told us something that Callie didn't notice. Then, before the switch to Callie at the classroom, we get a shift to the other girl's perspective. IMHO, it would be better to keep the whole scene in third-person limited with Callie as the POV character.

 

[robertreams]

"Callie was daydreaming as her feet carried her across the neatly manicured walkways of the college quadrangle. The soft pit-pat-pit-pat of her flip flops slapping the soles of her feet was a background noise to the orchestral program of nature all around her.

Birds chirped, squirrels chittered playfully at one another while swishing their bushy tails, and the late august breeze whipped dry leaves across the grass. Callie breathed in the sights and sounds allowing them to completely fill her thoughts.

On she walked, taking in the sights and trying not to get lost on the first day of classes when unexpected pain exploded all around her.

When she opened her eyes she was lying on her side but her vision was half obscured by a backpack. She tried to sit up but something was preventing her from moving. Pushing the offensive backpack off of her face, she winced as sunlight struck her eyes. She was definitely going to have a headache."

Callie daydreamed her way across the. . . The soft pit-pat of her flip flops was a counterpoint to natures orchestra surrounding her. Birds chirped, squirrels chittered, waving their busy tails in rhythm, and the late August breeze skittered dry leaves across the pavement. Callie breathed it all in, filling herself with the symphony of nature. (This is a suggestion on how to extend the metaphor. You should keep making musical references, throughout this passage, maybe even have the bushy tails be metronomes. I left out "her feet carried her", she walked. Slapping the soles of her feet is redundant, "playfully at one another" is merely fill. distracting from the extended metaphor.

In the next graph, I would make it two shorter sentences to create more immediacy. Distracted, she hoped she wouldn't get lost on the first day of classes. Suddenly, pain exploded through her.

When she opened her eyes, she was lying on her side, her vision obscured by a backpack. She tried to sit up but was prevented. Pushing away the backpack, she winced as bright sunlight struck her, eyes, starting a headache.

I agree with the other critics. You have a definite style, and talent.but you need to control the verbosity. Phrases like, slapping against the soles of her feet are completely superfluous and add nothing to the story. It is a bit like saying I stood (up). likewise with ("at one another). You can tell when one is coming, look out for 'as', 'while', 'when' and the like.

Keep writing. Don't be afraid to add spices to your plain sentences, but use them sparingly and make them count. If you use tarragon and allspice, it will ruin the curry. Write then read, then cut,cut,cut!