Fairyland

[Elizafairy]

Fairyland won't you take me to
beyond the bruised & the battered broken dream
Over there won't you go with me
clear of the concrete overpass of bankrupt betrayal

lacerate the borders
til the horns wend again
wend over the forests blue

Fairyland won't you take me to
beyond the bruised & the battered broken dream.

 

[Killswitch]

It doesnt even rhyme.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

She's heeeeeerrrrrrreeee.....................

 

[Elizafairy]

Don't give up your day job.

I go to school in day, I work only part times.

 

[Guest]

 

[Elizafairy]

Really?

I'd never have guessed you'd been anywhere near a school.

another warm welcome from the band wagons.

 

[duckiesmut]

Can't we all just get along?

 

[Elizafairy]

no we cant because Im a dummy. everyone says so.

 

[Killswitch]

No, you're a sap. Your poem says so.

 

[Elizafairy]

No Im kind of a hero

 

[anonamouse]

Dropping empty bottle in the pouring rain...
Do I detect spill over from somewhere else
here?

 

[WickedEve]

Elizafairy, this is not how the poetry board welcomes new poets. I'm not sure what this is about or why it was brought here. We normally discuss poetry here, and my dildos, and we flirt, and behave in a juvenile manner, then we talk poetry again.

 

[Tathagata]

Elizafairy, this is not how the poetry board welcomes new poets. I'm not sure what this is about or why it was brought here. We normally discuss poetry here, and my dildos, and we flirt, and behave in a juvenile manner, then we talk poetry again.

She is from the GB , where they sense innocence and weakness and cover it with steak sauce and rip it to shreds.
From what I've seen Elizafairy hasn't bothered anyone directly

Killswitch is here because he's a racist attention whore with no life and Elizafairy is one of the few people who still responds to his inane posts.

 

[WickedEve]

She is from the GB , where they sense innocence and weakness and cover it with steak sauce and rip it to shreds.
From what I've seen Elizafairy hasn't bothered anyone directly

Killswitch is here because he's a racist attention whore with no life and Elizafairy is one of the few people who still responds to his inane posts.

Yeah, I did a quick search to get a better idea about what's going on.
Elizafairy, you're welcome here. We will do our best to give you constructive feedback (not always praise) if that's what you want. Constructive feedback may be suggestions, or we may "rewrite" your poem. It is not rude to show a poet through example. Most of us will make changes and tell you why. That does take effort and time. And you do not have to accept the changes. Only consider them, then thank the person. If that sounds cool to you, then you'll probably enjoy your time here.

 

[Byron In Exile]

Fairyland won't you take me to
beyond the bruised & the battered broken dream
Over there won't you go with me
clear of the concrete overpass of bankrupt betrayal

lacerate the borders
til the horns wend again
wend over the forests blue

Fairyland won't you take me to
beyond the bruised & the battered broken dream.

This is a nice poem.

I hope you all won't treat it too badly.

 

[WickedEve]

This is a nice poem.

I hope you all won't treat it too badly.

The posters who comment on a regular basis here are usually tactful and honest about a poem. I personally wouldn't treat this poem badly. I think it's a good enough poem. I simply don't have any constructive feedback to offer at the moment.
Anyway, why is it a "nice poem" in your opinion, Byron?

 

[tolyk]

Welcome to the thread Fairy

Ello everyone else

 

[Byron In Exile]

The posters who comment on a regular basis here are usually tactful and honest about a poem. I personally wouldn't treat this poem badly. I think it's a good enough poem. I simply don't have any constructive feedback to offer at the moment.
Anyway, why is it a "nice poem" in your opinion, Byron?

Well, it had a certain pull.

I don't know exactly how to describe it.

 

[anonamouse]

It doesnt even rhyme.

As I ponder, drunk and bleary
I detect alliteration here:
"beyond the bruised & the battered broken dream"
"clear of the concrete overpass of bankrupt betrayal"

And illiterate rations here:
"No, you're a sap. Your poem says so."
"I'd never have guessed you'd been anywhere near a school."

Why am I
in a killing mood? (sar chi, to those inclined)
Still
I comment, when I should have declined
Speaking
to the half baked and underbred

 

[Trent_Dutch]

I can immediately see a few things about this poem that irk me. Firstly, the use of the ampersand, rather than the word 'and'. I can not see a defensible reason for using '&' instead of 'and'... it doesn't help with meter, or line length... It seems only to serve as a purely visual shortening, which is pointless in this poem as it posesses no visual characteristics, unlike graphical poems. Poetry such as this should concern itself in no way whatsoever with how it looks on a page, and should instead be concerned entirely with how it is read subvocally or spoken vocally. Besides, I find those who never write or think of a word without seeing it in 12 point type to be a rather despicable little bunch all told.

The second thing that irks me (which is purely to do with my taste and not this specific poem) is the posturing of convoluted high seriousness and the use of the Lyric mode. The sooner we all leave Poes instructions in some secret and securely locked drawer for future generations, and start realising the vast abundancy of poetic styles available to us, the better.

There are some other more general criticisms I could level... the shortness of the poem, the lack of meter, the mere hint of structure.... but I'll leave them for now.

 

[twelveoone]

Fairyland won't you take me to
beyond the bruised & the battered broken dream
Over there won't you go with me
clear of the concrete overpass of bankrupt betrayal

lacerate the borders
til the horns wend again
wend over the forests blue

Fairyland won't you take me to
beyond the bruised & the battered broken dream.

Let's try some simple rewrites
Fairyland won't you take me
beyond the bruising dreams (get rid of battered broken - trite, how many times have you heard?)
Over there, won't you go?
clear of concrete borders (not sure of what you doing with the overpass, explain)

lacerate the borders
til horns wend again
wend over forests blue (took out "the")

Fairyland won't you take me
beyond the bruising dreams (simple reprise, but I feel it needs something more)

 

[twelveoone]

Let's try some simple rewrites
Fairyland won't you take me
beyond the bruising dreams (get rid of battered broken - trite, how many times have you heard?)
Over there, won't you go?
clear of concrete borders (not sure of what you doing with the overpass, explain)

lacerate the borders
til horns wend again
wend over forests blue (took out "the")

Fairyland won't you take me
beyond the bruising dreams (simple reprise, but I feel it needs something more)

Let's try this again:

Fairyland won't you take me
beyond the bruising dreams
Over there, won't you go?
clear of concrete borders

lacerate the borders
as horns rend again (changing wend to rend)
wend over forests blue

Fairyland won't you take me
beyond the concrete borders (I don't like bruising dreams, much)

What do you think Elizafairy?

 

[Tathagata]

I can immediately see a few things about this poem that irk me. Firstly, the use of the ampersand, rather than the word 'and'. I can not see a defensible reason for using '&' instead of 'and'... it doesn't help with meter, or line length... It seems only to serve as a purely visual shortening, which is pointless in this poem as it posesses no visual characteristics, unlike graphical poems. Poetry such as this should concern itself in no way whatsoever with how it looks on a page, and should instead be concerned entirely with how it is read subvocally or spoken vocally. Besides, I find those who never write or think of a word without seeing it in 12 point type to be a rather despicable little bunch all told.

The second thing that irks me (which is purely to do with my taste and not this specific poem) is the posturing of convoluted high seriousness and the use of the Lyric mode. The sooner we all leave Poes instructions in some secret and securely locked drawer for future generations, and start realising the vast abundancy of poetic styles available to us, the better.

There are some other more general criticisms I could level... the shortness of the poem, the lack of meter, the mere hint of structure.... but I'll leave them for now.

we all started somewhere

she did mention else where this is her FIRST effort.

 

[Trent_Dutch]

we all started somewhere

she did mention else where this is her FIRST effort.

I'm going to refrain from any comments about where alot of us should have stopped.....

Nowhere on this thread did she mention this was her first effort. And besides, a baptism of fire is a warm welcome. Drill it into them when their young and naive. Nowadays the lyric mode is almost synonymous with poetry. Audiences think if it isn't lyrical its not poetic, and (most) poets think that their offerings are poetry simply because they are lyrically moded. I just feel that poets should get away from this. Get away from the overuse of 'I' and 'me', as if the poets experience is superior or in some way 'more' than those of the audience.
Don't worry... this is all just part of a small personal crisis I'm currently undergoing... it should pass.