Fairyland (v2)

[Elizafairy]

Fairyland won't you take me to,
beyond the browned-out sunburnt suburban sleep;
Fairlyand won't you take me to,
away from the diesel-soaked streets -

- of yesterday's empire.

Polemics pours the oil
ashy libations
upon the bloody concrete;
hate gathers discolored
in puddles and eddies.

Fairlyland won't you take me to,
past folded flags and quiet grief.

 

[twelveoone]

Honestly, the first one had a wistfullness, of hope of being taken away from an unpleasant place. V.2 seems to wallow in it. The refrain "Fairyland won't you take me to," does seem so out of place.

The refrain line would work better if either it worked as a true refrain. Last stanza had two more lines, or the middle of the first was a varient.

 

[Elizafairy]

Well maybe? I dont think the first one said much of anything. Not that this is any better. I cling to the refrain though. I like it. Maybe I'll go back to archaic stanzas.

 

[twelveoone]

Fairyland won't you take me to,
beyond the browned-out sunburnt suburban sleep;
Fairlyand won't you take me to,
away from the diesel-soaked streets -

- of yesterday's empire.

Polemics pours the oil
ashy libations
upon the bloody concrete;
hate gathers discolored
in puddles and eddies.

Fairlyland won't you take me to,
past folded flags and quiet grief.

Let's take a randon selection:
sunburnt suburban sleep
diesel-soaked streets
Polemics pours the oil
ashy libations
upon the bloody concrete;
hate gathers
quiet grief.

How well do these interplay with one another?
sunburnt suburban sleep
quiet grief.
go well with one another, but clash against the others. The question would be what do you want to escape from?

Polemics pours the oil
hate gathers
Polemics and hate are abstract concepts, I think both would have to be explained where and why you are refering to them.

upon the bloody concrete;
This line is of interest, I assume you are an American; "bloody" refers to real blood, question becomes why is it? If you are English it becomes a toss-off line, and something you need to escape from:
Fairyland won't you take me to,
far from the bloody concrete

This line is just bad in the context of the poem
- of yesterday's empire.

These have promise
diesel-soaked streets -
Polemics pours the oil

This is good
sunburnt suburban sleep

Bear in mind these things are said not to discourge you, but because you have potential, but I see a beginner mistake of focus on the words, instead of focus on the consistent image.

My question to you, I think you have something going here, I made two small mods, what do you think, how would you rearrange this?
"lacerate the borders
as the horns rend again
wend over the forests blue"

 

[twelveoone]

Well maybe? I dont think the first one said much of anything. Not that this is any better. I cling to the refrain though. I like it. Maybe I'll go back to archaic stanzas.

The trick is to say enough, no more. It takes awhile. The refrain is a good one, these are merely suggestions. You have to be happy with it, or nobody else will.

 

[Angeline]

Hi Eliza and welcome to the poetry board. I think your poem is pretty good; it obviously shows a way with words. And I wouldn't worry about archaic or not archaic--just write what's in your heart and then look at it and ask yourself "Have the words I've used really express what I want to say?" If they do, you're done; if they don't, you need to keep working on it. And if you stick around here and talk to the other poets and do the challenges and just stay involved, you'll keep getting better.


Angeline

 

[Guest]

Welcome, Elizafairy. I haven't read the first version Fairyland, but really do like this (v2). It's fully visual and surreal; it makes me thing of Dali.

 

[Elizafairy]

Thank you all, and twelve your suggestions are particularly keen and well put together. Thoughtful. Yes I'm American, not English, so I did mean bloody quite literally.

I made two small mods, what do you think, how would you rearrange this?
"lacerate the borders
as the horns rend again
wend over the forests blue"

I think it's lovely...but wend and rend are such unusual words in themselves that rhyming them really calls them out and it's distracting...very distracting...I see that now.

 

[twelveoone]

Thank you all, and twelve your suggestions are particularly keen and well put together. Thoughtful. Yes I'm American, not English, so I did mean bloody quite literally.


I think it's lovely...but wend and rend are such unusual words in themselves that rhyming them really calls them out and it's distracting...very distracting...I see that now.

Oh, Oh, I thought that was quite clever of me.

I hope you stick around, I like your words. Would like to see you continue.
I don't know what it is like on the other boards, never been there. We bash each other a bit, get angry, but only on points of writing.