Extract: New Story - Feedback Please

[1DiscoMcDisco1]

Hey Folks,

I don't know what the norm is here, i don't come onto the forum's often, but i thought i'd post this extract from a story i'm currently working on... It's not subject matter that's close to my heart you see, but it is integral to making the story poignant..

- first note though... i know i jump from the 3rd tot he 1st person... i wrote this about a week a go in a brain dump and i have yet to fix it up

So here goes:

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Interlude: It Darkens

The cold steel of the kitchen worktop was pressed hard against her face, her sweat cooling almost instantly as it crept from her forehead to the surface; it left her cheek ice cold. She understood that she was being punished; she could surmise that from the way he attached the handcuffs made of thick leather to her as she walked in the door.

Her night had been wonderful, catching up with old friends she hadn’t seen for months. The meal was fabulous, The Ivy being such an exclusive venue for her best friend’s birthday it made them all feel lavish and pampered. The food had been glorious, delicate in flavour and design and it had reminded her of the joy that life held for her once. The night had ended on a high, promises being made to do this again sooner than before. ‘The break has been too long’ Melissa had said, and she wasn’t wrong.

The whirlwind that began 9 months ago hadn’t stopped, and I was subjected to ever growing wonder and the treatment from my new man, Jacob, had left me in a dizzy haze of love, lust and happiness. Goodnight girl was our song, and every time I heard I knew there would be a loving caress, a tender kiss on the nape of my neck, a warm breathe in my ear and I grew to relish these times, even crave them.

That changed after only a few months. I craved him, and he knew it. Jacob began toying with me, our lovemaking becoming more a list of games – of trials – that I had to win to receive my reward.

Him.

While this made me feel special, and wanted, I also knew that he had to control me this way to make sure I knew what I had, to make me understand that without I had nothing. All of this I could endure but when I was cut-off from my friends it was almost my last straw. I was going to leave him, I still craved every inch of him, of his exquisite tongue, his long cock, but I would give it all up for my friends. They we’re the most important thing in my life and had known them for over 10 years. I needed to have them in my life. I needed their support and friendship. I was going to do it tonight.

He proposed.

He had taken me on a surprise holiday to New York, and after building up the courage to say I was leaving him – sat on the large veranda, with expansive views of the city, he got down on one knee.

“Andrea, I know we’ve had our ups and downs, and I know I’ve asked a lot of you but I don’t ever want to lose you. Please, will you marry me?”

What was I to do, the feelings I had for him welled up inside me and I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

“Of course I will” came out of my mouth where ‘Jacob, I'm leaving you, I can’t leave me entire past behind me just for you’ was exactly what was running around my head. In a reinvigorated maelstrom everything was reignited. He lavished me; he sent me and my friends on long pampering weekends. Jacob even bought me a ‘masseuse’ at the Spa, a man who would give me anything I wanted for 4 hours. The trust that took of him began to win me over, I was happy I was with my friends and I was looking forward to being married.

The night I came back from the meal I was in such a good mood, I was excited to see him, excited to spend hours worshipping him, excited make him feel as amazing as I did. I wanted to lick every inch of him, make him beg for me to finish him all over me.

Walking in the door the kitchen light was on, so with my sexiest walk, making my hips bounce on each step, I strode in hoping to see him reading the newspaper, or preparing some dinner, but all I felt was something being pulled over my head, a cord being tightened around my throat, and being roughly pushed against the kitchen counter. “Did you think you could get away with it? I know you’ve been seeing him! I know that your girls nights out are all about him, that prick! You Whore!” he yelled. I felt my hands being clasped in the hand cuffs and the thin material pressing against my face, allowing the cold to affect my skin.

‘I haven’t done anything wrong Jacob, please, I'm so happy with you, I’ve wanted you all evening please, don’t do this’ I sobbed into the mask, but his swift hand came down on my now exposed cheek and I whimpered.

“You’re mine Andrea! MINE!” he spat as he roughly shoved his prick inside me...

............................

I awoke in the larder, cold and almost naked, the clothes being ripped off me, hanging around my waist and thighs. He had beaten me down. I was petrified of him but I couldn’t call for help. My tears had long since dried up and my smile was set never to return to my face. I was his now, his however he wanted me. It had been another month since that night, him just taking me whenever he felt like it. I just didn’t have it in me to fight any longer. I wished I could get out of there, find a way to break the cuffs, but the padlock through steel ring was too tough for me to even attempt.

He had thrown me some scraps earlier and told me I would be let out to shower and prepare myself for the dress fitting.

This gave me a chance. I needed to get a message out. I wondered about taking some pictures and sending them to my dearest friend. They needed to look cheeky, in the vein of our previous flirtatious fun, but I hope he would see a mark, a welt, anything that would tip him off to what was happening to me.

Oh Joshua, I hope you understand my message...

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Let me know what you think... i could use some help...

 

[CWatson]

Well, I'm not that much a fan of these sorts of stories; were I Andrea, I'd grab the nearest kitchen knife and put an end to it. But that's just me--and besides, there'd be no story left.

Your command of language is good, but your use of punctuation is somewhat lacking, which results in run-on sentences or ill-parsed trains of thought. Here's the first sentence of the third paragraph:

The whirlwind that began 9 months ago hadn’t stopped, and I was subjected to ever growing wonder and the treatment from my new man, Jacob, had left me in a dizzy haze of love, lust and happiness.

Technically you need a dash between 'ever' and 'growing', but the BIG problem is the missing comma after 'wonder'. If we go through the old junior-high exercise of turning every linking comma into a period (and removing any "and"s rendered unnecessary thereby), we get:

The whirlwind that began 9 months ago hadn't stopped. I was subjected to ever-growing wonder and the treatment from my new man. Jacob had left me in a dizzy haze of love, lust and happiness.

Or, we might have,

The whirlwind that began 9 months ago hadn't stopped. I was subjected to ever-growing wonder. The treatment from my new man, Jacob, had left me in a dizzy haze of love, lust and happiness.

Which one did you want the sentence to read as? Add commas to suit. But whatever you do, add them. Ambiguous parsing is a good way to make The Reader grope for his Back button.

Your other major problem was your aforementioned shift from 3rd-person to 1st-person. At least you stayed there. Why haven't you fixed it yet? It's been a couple of days.

 

[1DiscoMcDisco1]

Cheers hun, much appreciated. Example 3 definitely reads better, and i'll try and translate that to the rest of the story. Like i say, it was a push into something i don't understand very well, and a bit of a brain dump to get the ball rolling... perfect feedback though, it's what i need to hear more of

Now if someone who does know about this, or writes this kind of stuff could give me some pointers or a thumbs up that would be excellent...

Oh, and once i'd released the 3rd/1st thing, i did change it, and i've done a bit of rework since... I'll just keep fiddling with a local copy for a bit, i store it online so i may post the active link from time to time so people can get a look see before i post it for good.

This is Chapter 4 of 20,000 words so far... i feel i may have some grammer adjusts to do