Extra-marital relationship: Tell or don't tell???

[FlamingoBlue]

There are only two options here, regardless of the circumstances. Which do you support? There are arguements on both sides of the coin so there is no right or wrong answer.

If you want to share a personal story, feel free to do so. That's what this place is all about!!


blue

N.B. Just so we are clear, I am only speaking about the affairee and his/her mate.

=======>N.B.#2<========.Let's make this a little more interesting. Do you tell if you KNOW that a relative's or good friend's spouse is having an affair??

blue

 

[SexyThang]

Kind of a catch 22. If you have an affair, there's obviously a problem in your existing relationship.

If you admit it, you stand the chance of losing your mate and if you don't, it will haunt you and will come out eventually.

Solution...don't do it to start with!

And no, I never have and never would. If I felt the need to go outside my relationship, I'd go for good.

 

[willywanker]

Kind of a catch 22. If you have an affair, there's obviously a problem in your existing relationship.

If you admit it, you stand the chance of losing your mate and if you don't, it will haunt you and will come out eventually.

Solution...don't do it to start with!

And no, I never have and never would. If I felt the need to go outside my relationship, I'd go for good.

That about sums it up for me too. I tease and flirt on the boards and in the chat room but when its all said and done, I'm a one woman man.

But another question? Do cyber sex or phone sex count as cheating? I've always said no but what do you think?

 

[*bratcat*]

willy?

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Cat, I agree with you....

100%.

blue

 

[willywanker]

Re: willy?

IF it gets to the point where you are SUBSTITUTING cyber and phone for the "real" thing...then you are cheating...AND if things get to that point...you need to step back and take a look at what is REALLY important to you and your spouse, maybe go for counselling to fix things...IMHO, of course [/B]

**Laughing** Somebody doesn't know me very well.

Nothing take the place of real sex!!!!! My question is, if I'm taking care of things at home but she doesn't know about the cyber or phone things, is THAT cheating. This is one I don't think my wife and I would agree on. If she would think its cheating, does that make it so?

 

[*bratcat*]

hmmm...

 

[willywanker]

Re: hmmm...

Here is another version to this...if you have an ONLINE relationship with someone, and they either cyber with someone else or have phone sex with someone besides you...is THAT cheating?

My first response would be no, but lately I've seen and heard of some cyber marriages. So that would change things. I'm not a total cyber slut, but will admit to having more than one partner.

Ok, so I am a cyber slut, but I'm good at it.

Hey, I may just have come up with my title.

 

[Guest]

My opinion

I think I'll tackle the cybersex and phone sex thing first...
My thoughts are.. if there is no penetration... there is no sex.... well penetration by the other person that is. Its natural for people to fantasize... and I think it adds a lot to a relationship. Face it, they can get boring... and adding a little zip back to it can help more than anything else in the world.

People cheat for many different reasons........ sometimes it is because there is something wrong with their relationship, other people do it for the excitement.... and some do it because they love their current partner, but the sex isn't all that good.

As for telling or not telling...... that is a decision that the person involved has to make for themselves. Its gonna be a no win situation either way. One.. if you tell, and your significant other decides to stay with you, you have the trust factor....he/she isn't going to trust you for a LONG while.
Two.. if you don't tell, then you have this huge weight of guilt on you.... and one day it could slip out and come back to haunt you.

 

[Laurel]

If it's in the past, if it was a one-time dalliance, and you have no intention of ever cheating again, then there's no point in telling.

If you're currently seeing someone and you're in love with the other person, you should tell.

If you're a serial adulterer, then you should definitely tell the other person and then seek help of some kind.

None of this applies to swingers or others with open relationships, only those who mess around behind the other's backs.

 

[willywanker]

Re: My opinion

My thoughts are.. if there is no penetration... there is no sex.... well penetration by the other person that is. Its natural for people to fantasize... and I think it adds a lot to a relationship. Face it, they can get boring... and adding a little zip back to it can help more than anything else in the world.

Like the song says, "I second that emotion"

 

[willfulbrat]

Originally posted by willywanker
But another question? Do cyber sex or phone sex count as cheating? I've always said no but what do you think? [/B]

I don't consider cyber sex or phone sex to be cheating. It's like writing a story together, a roleplay, but with instantaneous responses. There is no risk of pregnancy or disease, and it can enliven a stale reperatoire with new ideas and styles. So it seems harmless enough to me.

That said, some spouses take it pretty seriously. So you're probably better off just reading stories.

 

[SirGalahad67]

Originally posted by willywanker
But another question? Do cyber sex or phone sex count as cheating? I've always said no but what do you think?

I don't consider cyber sex or phone sex to be cheating. It's like writing a story together, a roleplay, but with instantaneous responses. There is no risk of pregnancy or disease, and it can enliven a stale reperatoire with new ideas and styles. So it seems harmless enough to me.

That said, some spouses take it pretty seriously. So you're probably better off just reading stories. [/B]

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT we do...err, are we in public? Ooopsss. I mean, no Willful...this is one of those subjects that intelligent married people can agree to disagree on, right dear??
Psst, who is it this time?, I'll KILL EM, I'LL TWIST HIS NECK... It's that damn Tony Gam isn't it? or CoolCucumber? or Xander?....Or, Shy Guy?... or...WriterDom?....or Myst... or (wait a minute here)...

Ok, but will you tape em for me this time? please....Puhleaze....

Oops again...hee, hee... I'll, sorry....carried away...don't know what came over me... hee hee

Here, Babe, here's a story I wrote you (mumbles to self while disconnecting phone....)

Sir G

 

[Siren]

What are you both saying???

 

[DarlingBri]

I think Madame Pandora laid down the law on this one as far as I'm concerned. If your other half considers it cheating, it's cheating.

I consider it cheating. Sorry, I know it works well for lots of people and doesn't disrupt the harmony of their relationships, and that's great for y'all, but in Bri's World, it's cheating.

As to tell/don't tell, there are about a million different variables there, some of them laid out by Laurel, and I wouldn't want to venture a guess on that one.

[Edited by DarlingBri on 05-05-2001 at 05:27 AM]

 

[R Nitelight]

Never married.
Cyber monogamous.

 

[LadyDarcy]

A few years ago, I met a man online, in a chatroom (not sexually related in any way). We chatted about our lives, our kids, our work. He was married; I am not. At the time, I was not in a position to go out much, due to the kids, and he seemed to spend an awful lot of time on the computer late at night when his kids were sleeping. His wife was always out, but I never got the impression she was at work.

He was great company after 11pm. Eventually, we started mild flirting - rather harmless. And we discussed everything, sex becoming an open topic, although not frequent. After many months, he asked if I had ever cybered. Neither of us had - I considered it cheating; he did not. Finally we tried it. It was a wonderful experience. I guess in a way, we fell in love. We chatted daily and he finally suggested we meet. I turned him down immediately. And when he asked again, I broke off the relationship. Several weeks later, we were back together online and he promised he wouldn't ask again.

I was having a problem because he truly is a wonderful, kind, selfless man. His only character flaw was his thought of cheating with me (and I still feel this way). After breaking off and resuming several times do to the idea of meeting, I finally agreed. We had discussed the guilty factor ad nauseum.

Mind you, I had no intention of a long-term relationship that would be anything more than what we had. I did not want to be a home-wrecker. He felt the same way and promised, after much thought, that he would not feel guilty. He never indicated his marriage was in trouble, although I assumed from the online activity, it couldn't be good. He never said one bad word about his wife, ever.

He went away for business for a week and I met him for the weekend. I had never spoken to him on the phone until 2 days before I met him. When we got together, it was incredible. The sex had all the excitement of the first time with someone, but we knew EXACTLY what the other liked. It was the best sexual experience of my life.

BUT - he was racked with guilt - he seemed almost tortured. Two weeks later, we called the relationship off. After a few months, we spoke again intermittently and remained friends. A year later, we were back to cybering on occassion, but we no longer had daily contact. We are still friends today. We both have delicious memories of that weekend.

His marriage is in big trouble today. As far as I know, the wife still does not know about our fling. He says he has no regrets about us and I know I don't. Some of my best stories were written for him. I know we have something between us or we wouldn't still be friends after 2.5 years. I can make excuses for our behavior and rationalize it, but I won't. He cheated and I was a willing partner, even if neither of us intended to go there.

I will not go near a married man with a 10 foot pole again - unless it is an open relationship....not even to cyber. Even in cybering, I am monogamous. It's cheating if the other person's partner doesn't know and that knowledge would hurt the relationship.

 

[Sensua]

Anytime you HIDE something from your spouse...it is probably cheating...Or why would you HIDE it? Why didn't you invite your spouse to join in?
You may not realize it...but a relationship is formed you your HEAD not in your genitals! If you are spending "sexual" time with someone else, and your spouse is unaware of it...you are changing your relationship without consent! When you built your relationship, it was mutual...the things you think are important are things that you built TOGETHER. If you change that arrangement with out your spouses knowledge, you are no longer working within the bounds of your vows. Is that okay with your spouse? It depends strickly on them. I tend to be the jealous type...I wouldn't like it at ALL!
BUT, as for the "real" thing...I have to agree with Laurel....I could forgive a one time dalliance...but a serial "offender" would eventually get the BOOT!

 

[Mr.curious]

The way I see it just don't have an affair. Thats what fantacies are for. I mean how many of you cyber with the intent of having an affair. It shouldn't be an issue.
If your not happy with what you have then get out of it period. Oh and if you do stray tell your mate before someone else does. Or your mate buys a gun. lol

[Edited by Mr.curious on 05-05-2001 at 05:59 PM]

 

[Tabby432]

If you cheat don't tell your partner. You did it, now you deal with it. Nothing good will come from telling them. Confession may be good for the soul but not for relationships.

 

[mig]

I wish my ex had told me she was having an affair,lying and cheating for two years,before I caught them in my bed.She would have become ex two years earlier and I wouldn't have wasted those years on a marriage going nowhere.

 

[Guest]

Best yet, don't have 'em. Once you marry, it should be for life. For me, it'll be for eternity.

 

[Skitten]

I think that you have to be honest with your partner. If you are going to cheat then you might as well know that you are hurting both of you and the relationship cannot continue. I would never cheat when I married my husband it was and is forever. Sure we flirt on the board and that is all it is innocent flirting he would never and I would never let it go any further. He is the only one I want.

I do consider some forms of cybering cheating if the other person doesn't know, but if they are ok with and you are honnest about it then fine.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Rather than write a new thread. I....

resurrected and old one, with a twist. Read N.B. #2. of my 1st post in this thread.

blue

 

[LadyDarkFire]

Another thing to consider on the cyber question is what you tell the "other person" in the situation. I think that if you mislead them, tell them you are not married, or tell them that it is an open marriage (when it isn't) you probably consider it cheating, so it is. Another thing, cyber relationships can be "the real thing" so best not to take chances. If you do cheat, I think it is best to be honest, you get some of the guilt off your chest, your spouse gets full honesty, and so does the person you cheated with. It saves alot more pain to be straight forward and honest. You don't get the added pain of knowing the person hid it from you for so long.