Explaining your past...

[Abradix]

Im currently involved with a woman who finds the thought of pornography completely unappealing. She says its degrading to women and perpetuates violent sexual crime. I have tried to explain to her that it can be a useful tool in exploring new fetishes from a distance or to get that nut off after a lonely couple if days. She still won't change her views. The fact that shes so repulsed by it makes me feel guilty because; living in Burbank I was in the industry for 2 years before cleaning up and joining the navy.

Is this a neccessary thing to bring up or is it under-the-rug material in spite of the twinge of guilt I feel everytime I get a talking to about watching porn. Which I tend to do on the days she's not into it. Would she understand that there was a drug problem that kept me in the buisness or would that complicate things?

She's a very vanilla girl so I don't feel a huge obligation to keep the relationship together but she apparently has massive feelings for me which I find hard to return. If the answer I've been avoiding for months is the right answer how do I let her down so I'm not just another selfish asshole to add to her sordid history?

 

[Nightbird]

I once heard a quote from a very intelligent person.. "Less History more Mystery.."

I say we all have a past and she doesn't need to know everything.. Don't tell her, no good can come from it.

 

[SweetErika]

Im currently involved with a woman who finds the thought of pornography completely unappealing. She says its degrading to women and perpetuates violent sexual crime. I have tried to explain to her that it can be a useful tool in exploring new fetishes from a distance or to get that nut off after a lonely couple if days. She still won't change her views. The fact that shes so repulsed by it makes me feel guilty because; living in Burbank I was in the industry for 2 years before cleaning up and joining the navy.

Is this a neccessary thing to bring up or is it under-the-rug material in spite of the twinge of guilt I feel everytime I get a talking to about watching porn. Which I tend to do on the days she's not into it. Would she understand that there was a drug problem that kept me in the buisness or would that complicate things?

This--explaining your past or not--is not your problem.

She's a very vanilla girl so I don't feel a huge obligation to keep the relationship together but she apparently has massive feelings for me which I find hard to return. If the answer I've been avoiding for months is the right answer how do I let her down so I'm not just another selfish asshole to add to her sordid history?

This--that you want out of the relationship but are a nice guy and are having trouble standing up for what's best for you--IS your problem.

Someone who's truly compatible with you is likely going to be sex-positive and you won't have to question whether or not you should share your history with drugs and porn with them. You'll just KNOW they'll understand and you will WANT to share deep down because you'll want them to know all about you and how you came to be the man you are at that point.

I think you have to understand that while you are responsible for being kind and compassionate, you aren't responsible for your gf's "sordid history" or how she perceives you ending the relationship. All you can do is tell her in a clear, kind way that it's not working out for you and send her off in a good position (e.g. make sure she won't be left homeless if you live together, rather than just kicking her to the curb). Be clear and stick to your guns; this is an issue of fundamental incompatibility, nobody is right or wrong, and you're hoping to leave things on a good note, even if it's painful at the time.

Don't delay on this any longer. She's very unlikely to change, and it's very likely it'll just be harder for her the longer you wait, so doing it asap is really the kindest thing to do for her, even if she doesn't it that way (again, not your problem). The type of woman you want to be with doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't reciprocate her love, anyway; if this girl does, you're looking at a relationship full of problems because she doesn't love herself at all.

You can do it and you certainly deserve someone who's compatible and loves you for your past, present and future.

 

[Tyr51]

I would not want to be in a relationsip where I could not be honest about who I am or where I came from. But we alll have unique situations and must make choices.


I can only wish you the best,

 

[PertPerth]

SweetErika took the words out of my mouth.

 

[califwineguy]

Greetings from Napa Valley California and thank you for your service to our country! I also agree with Erika's comments... I think honesty is the best policy, and if she truly cares for you she will realize that what happened in the past is in the past. Regarding the porn, if you care for her, you should feel comfortable talking with her about anything. Who knows, she might change her feelings about it and in turn make her more attractive to you. Best of luck to you and take care!!

 

[sunandshadow]

If you think you are going to break up with her she doesn't need to know and you might as well avoid any unnecessary angst by telling her. But I am curious whether she likes romance novels, some romance novels are basically porn with more lovey dovey stuff and a bit better story. If she does, ask her if making one into a movie would still degrade women and perpetuate sexual crime. There is certainly some heinous porn out which probably does degrade women and encourage crime, but imo it's overgeneralizing it to condemn all porn because some is silly fluff and some is romantic, etc.

 

[SweetErika]

Greetings from Napa Valley California and thank you for your service to our country! I also agree with Erika's comments... I think honesty is the best policy, and if she truly cares for you she will realize that what happened in the past is in the past. Regarding the porn, if you care for her, you should feel comfortable talking with her about anything. Who knows, she might change her feelings about it and in turn make her more attractive to you. Best of luck to you and take care!!

I think the only way she might change her feeling regarding porn is if she does a major overhaul on her feelings and thoughts about herself. It sounds like she has some major self-esteem and related issues, which are likely related to her 'sordid past' in many ways (they caused her to make bad choices and/or being harmed resulted in them). I'd be willing to bet her feelings about porn are somehow related to feeling bad about herself because I've noticed a direct correlation between the two in myself and many other women.

When we object to porn that doesn't portray violence or unhealthy behavior, it's usually because we feel inferior to the actors, threatened by it, or are blowing its impact on its viewers out of proportion. I've noticed the better I feel about myself and the more I've healed from being harmed in the past, the less threatened I feel and less I see it as harmful to men and women. When my self-esteem is low and I'm feeling a lot of pain, I think my partner's looking at it because he doesn't think I'm good enough and believe it impacts how men behave. I forget my partner's just turned on by the pure sex and seeing different women and internalize it as reinforcement of my negative views on my body and sexual style.

Because it can be very difficult for me to identify where my negative reactions are coming from and terribly painful to admit/say them to myself and my partner, I've put blanket statements like "disgusting" and "harmful to women" on porn in the past. It's not the whole truth, but it's an accepted thing for women to say.

That said, I can honestly say I think porn can be harmful in the regard that it perpetuates fantasy to the point where a lot of people believe it's reality and it certainly can portray unhealthy attitudes toward women. We see that a lot here at Lit: people thinking anal just requires sticking it in and thrusting, safer sex practices aren't really necessary, women thinking they're inadequate because they don't like the act portrayed in reality, men thinking their cock size and ejaculate volume is inadequate, etc.

So, there is some merit to porn being unrealistic and sometimes unhealthy, but I think the heart of the issue for most women who object is poor self-esteem and/or it triggering pain from harm in the past.

I'd bet the OP's girlfriend would say she's changed her mind or is going to in order to keep him on the line, but it doesn't sound like porn is the only issue and he should realize that meaningful change will take her a lot of time and very hard work (and probably intensive therapy) if she has the type of issues I suspect she has.

Sorry for the long post and hijack, Abra. I just haven't seen this discussed before and thought my honesty might help someone put a few pieces together. Until now, I've never really delved into my own thoughts and feelings on this, so as selfish as it may be, putting them together and out here has really helped me, too.

 

[Abradix]

Not so much a threadjack as a heartfelt input, feel free to talk my ear off; I wouldn't post if I didn't need serious answers. She does have some definite insecurities, crying when people point out a flaw isn't normal, neither is making your life revolve around a boyfriend... Not that I'm not a decent boyfriend I've just never had a girl who made it all about me 100% of the time. She's also let me in on some father-abandonment issues which may explain her need for male approval. Not that I don't love the inflation of my gigantic ego. I suppose that's the reason I've spent this much time with her, I just hate to see it end because I do enjoy how she makes me feel.

She doesn't read much besides forensics mysteries and even then I think she has trouble getting into it, I doubt her feelings will change but its more about the guilt I feel than anything. Hmm that sounded a little selfish... Anyways, I don't think she's going to be marriage material but cutting loose is hard, I didnt date while I was in the buisness since it was hard but I love the stability at the moment. Ugh just a hard leap to make.

Edit: To all the PMers asking to see my cock, cut it out. I was in the buisness for being able to not cut from a scene for a good 40 mins, not because I'm exceptionally endowed. 'Preciate it.

 

[simplegirl]

Your past is your own. Unless you're getting into a serious, long-term relationship with her, there's no need to share it. All she needs to know is your health status. i.e. HIV, STD, etc...

If she has feelings for you that you don't reciprocate, don't stay with her because it's boosting your ego. That will leave a bad taste in your mouth because it falls into the realm of using her, and is an unhealthy relationship.

You need to be fair to her, as well as yourself.

 

[Abradix]

She just tends to pry quite a bit more than I'd like, dropping this bomb would probably stop all that. It would also stop the relationship. I'd like more suggestion on how to keep the relationship healthy... Or just making into something healthy while still keeping this little something hidden well in my closet.

 

[PublicAffection]

Unfortunately, having a healthy relationship with someone who is closed minded and who may be unhealthy (giving you 100% of her attention, feeling the need for constant approval, fear of being abandoned - these all sound like she has some issues) is difficult if not impossible.

The longer that you either allow her to continue treating you like a god (which while I'm sure is great now, you will probably get tired of it eventually), or try to help her work through her problems, the more attached to you she is going to become. As a woman who has worked through my own problems - I can tell you first hand that I very easily became infatuated/addicted to those whom I percieved were helping me conquor my deamons, whether they actually were or not.

As far as the porn thing, it sounds like she will most likely not ever change her mind about porn. It sounds as that as far as she is concerned, it is the devil and deserves to be written off. If you continue watching porn while in a relationship with her, it will continue to be a problem. The more you try to hide it, the further she'll dig... it'll end up being a huge issue and neither of you will be content - you will feel further guilt for wanting to watch it, and she will feel devalued/frustrated/insignificant because you won't agree with her that it's bad and get rid of it.

And please, if you do continue on this road with her, do not mention you were in porn. Unless it is during your final break-up argument where she's going on a tirade lecture about how evil it is and how you shouldn't even own it, and you finish the argument by saying something like, "Ron Jeremy warned me about women like you." And then explain how you worked together once; Jenna Jameson was a pleasure to work with and was always so polite between takes - and how it's a shame she's planning on retiring; that you hope that if you get back into the biz some day you'll get more anal opportunities... etc. etc.

 

[Abradix]

Haha parading the fact that I was in porn is asking for psycho ex syndrome. But there will be a breakup soon, probably due to myself going to Japan... At least as far as she's concerned.

On another note, I wish I worked with Jenna Jameson... The only superstar I really was crushing on was a young lady known as Sasha Grey. Delivered a hell of a scene and the chemistry was there.

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

It doesn't sound like that the relationship is going much of anywhere. I wouldn't tell her.

If you are truely in love with some one you don't have to keep secrets. I don't watch porn with my husband, but it doesn't bother me that he looks it up on the computer from time to time. I like to read (obviously) mine. Even if you cant agree on things, a true couple can agree to disagree and still love each other.

 

[PublicAffection]

Haha parading the fact that I was in porn is asking for psycho ex syndrome. But there will be a breakup soon, probably due to myself going to Japan... At least as far as she's concerned.

On another note, I wish I worked with Jenna Jameson... The only superstar I really was crushing on was a young lady known as Sasha Grey. Delivered a hell of a scene and the chemistry was there.

Oh, come on... it would be AWESOME. The look of shock on her face would be worth the aftermath.

Ok, maybe not. But it's a nice thought anyway. As an aside, I was offered a part in a porn a few years ago and declined. I secretly regret turning it down, although with my luck if I had done it somone would have dug it up and mailed it to my boss.

 

[Abradix]

Well I didnt get a whole lot of my face on film so I'm not too worried, its hard to look at the guys face when there's a gigantic bouncing ass to look at.

On another note I did talk to my lady and I am meeting her at my favorite Irish-style pub. Wish me luck!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

She just tends to pry quite a bit more than I'd like, dropping this bomb would probably stop all that. It would also stop the relationship.

If she has figured out that you're being deliberately vague about your past and hiding something from her, it's no real surprise that your gf has been prying. People naturally get twice as nosy when they know that information is being kept from them but don't know why.

Hope the chat with your gf went well. Please do post and let us know.

 

[Abradix]

Well she wasn't as understanding as I hoped... The night ended with a lot of begging and her crying, and me being looked at like I had just murdered her. I think she may have gotten the message kinda... She thinks it was all about my japan duty assignment so when she came to collect her things we had one last romp while she forgave me. Never did end up telling her my secret but alls well that end well I guess...

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Well she wasn't as understanding as I hoped... The night ended with a lot of begging and her crying, and me being looked at like I had just murdered her. I think she may have gotten the message kinda... She thinks it was all about my japan duty assignment so when she came to collect her things we had one last romp while she forgave me. Never did end up telling her my secret but alls well that end well I guess...

Well you knew she wasn't the right one for you or vice versa. You don't really sound like you want a relationship, though I reserve the right to be wrong. I suggest you take some time and have a break from women completely.

 

[Abradix]

Not sure what I want.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Well I bet that you'll know it when you see it and you didn't seem to with you gf.

[mini_hijack]I must say, gotta respect a Zelda fan. I've completed Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, Windwaker and am now working my way through Phantom Hourglass on the DS. Next project will be Twilight Princess.

I do wish I could play it as a girl though and go rescue some dippy prince.[/mini_hijack]