explaining an orgasm???

[Down_UnderKid]

hey all i recently hooked up with a chick who had never had an orgasm before due to lack of experience. i was fingering her for a while and i do think she had an orgasm going by her body reactions but want to make sure.

i always like to make sure any partner im with has atleast one orgasm per session (depending on whats going on).

once we settled down i asked her if she had cum and she said she wasnt sure. is this a defined no, or can she just be unsure. and if so how do i try and explain what it should feel like for a woman lol.

sorry if this sounds like a dumb question but i like to make sure she enjoys sex and what it has to offer as much as me

cheers
Down_under

 

[SweetErika]

She will know when she has an orgasm. There's a great buildup that turns into a high and flood of relief. The contracting uterus and vaginal muscles are hard to miss, too.

Make sure she knows she doesn't need a partner to orgasm, and encourage her to masturbate on her own, when she's relaxed and has no time pressures, maybe with a vibrator. Many women have their first with clitoral stimulation from a vibe, handheld shower massager, etc.

Then focus on pleasuring her, not making her come. Don't ask or pressure her in any way. Pressure, either from self or a partner, is the best way NOT to come. Be very patient. She may need to feel a lot more comfortable with you and the relationship to relax enough.

 

[Down_UnderKid]

thanx for the reply erika, i always try to look for your responses in other threads, and have realised what a wealth of knowledge you are!


ill keep it all in mind!



cheers

 

[JamieB]

Not to contradict Erika, as I have read many of her posts and have developed a great respect for her body of knowledge (not to mention the fact that she is an actual woman, whereas being a man I come by my knowledge of women second-hand), but as a student of the female sexual response, do I think it's POSSIBLE...not necessarily likely....for a woman to cum and not realize it.

There are two types of female orgasms, which I call "rock-skippers" and "big-thumpers." They have clinical names, but it's been a while since I read anything on the subject and I don't remember them.

The big-thumper hits like an ocean wave...building and building to an unmistakable release. The symptoms of a big thumper vary from woman to woman, but one commonality seems to be that following one of these, a woman will NOT respond favorably to certain kinds of stimulation. Her clit and sometimes her nipples (sometimes her skin as well) will become hypersensitive, and her body language, if nothing else, will tell you she's "done" for the moment...this means she's in the resolution phase. Once the resolution phase passes, she might or might not want to continue, depending on a lot of factors. Disclaimer/caveat: Every woman is different, and YMMV.

The rock-skipper orgasm is a type that lacks intensity, but they can come in a rapid sequence. There's no resolution period necessary between them, and you can continue the stimulation without pause until she or you (or both of you) runs out of enthusiasm.

If a woman is inexperienced, I could imagine a situation where she's having a low-intensity rock-skipper, and ask herself "did I just come?" I'm not saying it's likely....just that it's possible.

It's also possible she didn't even sort of cum, and she wants to save your feelings without lying to your face.

Now after all that, mate, I have to ask you this: Why did you ask her if she came? In my experience asking that is always a mistake. It's a mood-killer, first of all, and second of all now she's going to feel pressure to cum, or fake it, the next time (God willing there is a next time). It's an implication that she failed on some level, like asking a guy "Was that as hard as you get?"

Communication is critical for a successful relationship, but it should take place over breakfast or something, and you should ask her questions like what she liked best that you did, what she liked least, and what sort of things she thinks she might like to try going forward. And the conversation should be interspersed with favorable comments about her.

Sex is different for woman than it is for men. I won't pretend to understand the experience, but I do know that a woman doesn't necessarily need to cum to enjoy it. If you genuinely care about her enjoyment and make her feel cared for and special, a lot of times that's enough even if she doesn't make it to the top of the mountain.

My $.02.

J

 

[SweetErika]

Not to contradict Erika, as I have read many of her posts and have developed a great respect for her body of knowledge (not to mention the fact that she is an actual woman, whereas being a man I come by my knowledge of women second-hand), but as a student of the female sexual response, do I think it's POSSIBLE...not necessarily likely....for a woman to cum and not realize it.

No contradiction, I agree. Even as well as I know myself, once in a great while I'm not sure whether I really had an orgasm or not because I don't get that release and sense of satisfaction. I call those 'half-assed' orgasms. They're different from what you describe, which I get with g-spot stimulation. Those are clearer, but lousy compared to the regular clitoral or clit/g-spot orgasms.

It's possible DUK's girl didn't know whether she had one or not, but very, very unlikely, IMO. Those first ones especially are unmistakable. Even at a very tender age, I knew something had happened, even though I didn't know what it was. It was so clear, I feared I had broken something, or would be fucked up forever. (Of course, that didn't stop me from doing it again and again! )

So, maybe a better way to put it would have been, when she has a full, good orgasm, she'll definitely know she came.

You make an excellent analogy on asking whether she came or not. My husband will ask sometimes if he's not sure if I had more during sex, but we've been together for a long time and have a habit of talking about stuff like that. I'd definitely feel pressured with a newer partner asking.

 

[classymissm]

As a woman who has actually had this problem myself (not being able to orgasm). I'd have to agree with SweetErika and say that she would probably know it if she did. I was able to reach plateaus of pleasure that felt really good, but they still weren't orgasms. It was like the orgasm was just under the surface and just needed to be released. But allowing that release can be really hard for someone who hasn't done it before.

So I have to also agree with JamieB about the asking her if she came thing. Sex can still be incredibly fulfilling even if you don't orgasm and she is more likely to actually allow herself to do it if she's not actively thinking about it. The sexuality of women is intimately intertwined with our psychology and getting the mind to turn off and letting yourself go can be really difficult sometimes, especially if you've never reached orgasm before.

And its important to realize that it can take a LONG time to rev up some women (20 minutes or longer). Porn can sometimes give men a false idea about how women actually achieve climax, and it usually takes much longer than anything you'd see in a porn flick. So be sure to give her plenty of time where she doesn't feel rushed or pressured to do it.

And some women can't achieve vaginal orgasm at all. Vaginal orgasm can be more allusive than clitoral orgasm sometimes, so try stimulating her there rather than fingering her. But most of all be reassuring to her. If you repeatedly make a big deal out of her not orgasming, she will negatively respond. It's embarrassing for us ladies who have difficulty with it because we feel like we're disappointing you and that actually makes us less likely to want to have sex.

 

[hey24681]

hey

hey how are you

 

[fifty5]

Just a thought...

When, in early days, I wasn't sure, I kept a finger on her anus - when she came, I could feel that contract in a way that wasn't voluntary. May not be 100%, but more accurate that anything else that I could detect...

 

[Down_UnderKid]

thanks for the reply guys and girls

i understand now that asking her if she did at the time may have made here feel uncomfortable or inadequate, and will keep that in mind as this was her first "experience"

im not an ignorant person either (not saying or implying that any of you called me ignorant but couldnt think of a better word lol) and am fully aware that it may take a bit longer than it does in porno's for a girl to cum.

ill just have to take it as it comes (so to speak) and see where things head from here

once again thanks for the advice guys, mite have to try something a little better next time. like i said in the first post i just like to make sure that they enjoy it as much as me.

cheers
Down_under kid

 

[silverwhisper]

i have to confess that i thought this might be a thread about writing, and how a writer could describe an orgasm!

glad you've gotten what you're looking for, DUK. :>

ed

 

[Noira]

i have to confess that i thought this might be a thread about writing, and how a writer could describe an orgasm!

glad you've gotten what you're looking for, DUK. :>

ed

I admit I was kind of hoping for that too, there's something quite interesting in seeing how other people describe it--but I haven't really seen a lot of writing type threads on here. Too bad...

The sad thing is, I know women who've never masterbated much (who claim to have never!), and have never came even on their own time. Or if they have, they're so very inexperienced with it... there are people who won't recognize it, especially if it's their first time...

It's not as easy as you'd think, to get a woman off. ^_^ Even on our own it takes a while. And for someone who hasn't really orgasmed much, yeah, I actually think she could be unsure. I'd know if I had, but there's some people who just don't... to me it's damn obvious, but, eh. You know. I can't encourage her being comfortable with herself enough, though... and then you two will be able to work together even better. If you want her to enjoy sex, get her to enjoy herself first and foremost. It's hard to come when you're afraid.

 

[silverwhisper]

noira: well, i suppose such a thread would really be AH territory, wouldn't it?

 

[IsabellaKing]

Hehe! I thought the same thing, Noira