Experiences of gay and lesbian parents

[Etoile]

I'm wondering, do we have any same-sex-partnered parents on this board? I have got a ton of questions rolling around in my mind lately, everything from options for impregnation to second-parent adoption to dealing with neighbors who might not want their kids playing with "that fag/dyke's kid."

And yes, I am asking this for reasons of my own personal planning, and my partner's. We are thinking about one of us getting pregnant in the next few years.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

Thank you for this post. Pollyjean and I would ask the same. She would like to make me a mother in the next year.

 

[Angel]

If nobody answers, my old boss and her wife are raising her wife's daughter from a previous marriage (who is now 12) and are planning on either adopting a second child or getting donor sperm.

 

[Etoile]

I've got a book called The Lesbian Parenting Book that I'm starting to read through; we've actually had it for a while but I never really read it. There's a lot of information in there!

I'm still hoping someone here will speak up with their experiences.

 

[mr anon]

A child's perspective

I'm a male in my early 20's, and although I'm not considering parenting I think I have some slight insight to part of your question. My mother discovered her lesbian (and strictly lesbian) side when I was about 13. This lead to a divorce and separated parents etc. Focusing on her role as my mother, I never felt wierd about her being a lesbian. However I was worried about other kids finding out (Open about it now). Only problems that created was a hesitance in having people over and such. Kept it from my closest friends, which of course led to occasional lies (roommates, etc.). I think most of the negative feelings I had were more related to the fact that it happened after birth (let alone during adolescence), and things relating to divorce and such.

Needless to say it was a bit confusing. Your situation is obviously different than my mother's, and I feel like that not necessarily would, but probably could change anything negative I've felt about it. Depends on you.

I know in the years following her transition, my mother did have to deal with teachers and principals concerning her sexuality. It opened up her life to the community, which is something I think you should consider as a consequence as well.

Just know that not only will you have to deal with such issues as the neighbors not wanting their kids to be around "a fag," but your child will have to deal with it as well with little to no understanding of it. Hope this has give you a little bit of help and good luck!

 

[deezire1900]

I thought this was really wonderful!...

When we moved into our current home(and back to MN) the mom across the street figured out quite quickly that my partner and I are together. So, she sat her 2 kids down and talked to them about love and understanding of diverse people. They had a ton of questions...and she said that even though she didn't know all the answers, she responded to them with loving answers. The kids love us. And they play really well with our great nephew when he comes over.

I can't say this is the norm, but I hope it is a sign that things are starting to change.

I know this isn't quite the response you are looking for, I just thought it was a good place to post it.

 

[Etoile]

mr anon, you make an excellent point! That's something to keep in mind as the child gets older...although hopefully by the time our child is old enough to know about relationships and realize differences, his or her peers will have enlightened parents who have already explained it to them, as deezire's neighbor did!

 

[deezire1900]

It must be difficult to have a child knowing that the other children will be extra mean and nasty, because they are have a new type of family structure. Children are teased because of what they wear, their weight, their race...but then to add all the hatered from their parents(still under the wing)...it would scare me as a parent.

Is it fair? DOnt take that wrong...I agree we should be able to have a family, but is it fair for the child?

Oh, I would also add, that if possible the children of GLBT should be in private school. So many less idiot parents send their idiot children to private school.

 

[Etoile]

It must be difficult to have a child knowing that the other children will be extra mean and nasty, because they are have a new type of family structure. Children are teased because of what they wear, their weight, their race...but then to add all the hatered from their parents(still under the wing)...it would scare me as a parent.

Is it fair? DOnt take that wrong...I agree we should be able to have a family, but is it fair for the child?

Oh, I would also add, that if possible the children of GLBT should be in private school. So many less idiot parents send their idiot children to private school.

I don't think the situation's quite that serious at all!

Yes, it's completely fair for the child...if everyone were always concerned about "bringing a child into this awful world" then the population would be decreasing rapidly. After all, is it fair to bring a child into the world of the inner city, with violence and drug abuse? It happens every day, and while many kids get sucked into the cycle of violence, there are some that turn out okay. Is it fair to bring a disabled child into the world knowing all the struggles that people with disabilities must face? Or if a test shows disabilities, should the mother just have an abortion?

As for private school, I think it is really up to the parents. There are plenty of perfectly good public schools. Sending your kid to private school because you are gay is the equivalent of sheltering them from the big bad world.

 

[karuna]

I don't know how much he talks about the experience of being a parent, but sex/advice coumnist Dan Savage's book "The Kid" recounts his efforts, with his boyfriend, to adopt a child.

I believe the book ends shortly ( a few months?) after the successful adoption, but nevertheless may be of interest to some readers of this thread.

-karuna

 

[Etoile]

Oooh, thank you for the suggestion, karuna! I didn't realize he had adopted a child. I'll have to check that one out.