Experience is the Best Teacher (CLOSED for Sidney_1)

[Gr8chtr]

Sitting in his office in the English Dept. of Boston's Northern University, Jason Matthews was feeling on top of the world. Only 31, two months ago he had received the formal letter from the president of the University informing him that he had been promoted to associate professor and would be awarded tenure effective August 15th, 2017. To boot, in recognition of his promotion, he was to receive a full 15% raise in is salary. Sweet!

Door closed, feet upon his desk, Jason gazed lazily out his window overlooking one of Boston's busiest streets. As for each of the previous five summers that he had worked at the university, he was teaching a summer class. Assistant professors needed the extra income. With his hefty raise next year, maybe he wouldn't teach in the summer. His mind began to imagine a 3-week vacation to Europe, or maybe even Asia. He had been concentrating so intently on his graduate education and his subsequent academic position that he hadn't traveled internationally in the 10 years since he finished college.

Jason's reverie was interrupted by his office phone ringing. Since used his office phone exclusively for his work, he knew that this must be a student, faculty, or staff member calling for some reason. It only took as along as the caller's "Hello" for him to know who was calling - Jessica Parsons! Although not an English major she was, by far, the best undergraduate student that he had taught in his six years at the university. He was pretty sure that she graduated a few weeks ago. Why was she calling him now?

As Jason began to listen, his body reminded him of something else. He had always found her to be very attractive.

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica inhaled the scent of cinnamon before moaning in soft approval of the heavy whip cream atop her Frappuccino.

The warm wind from the harbor made any stray blonde hairs stick to her face. She loosened her thick hair from her ponytail, shook it out, and left it all free to blow and air-dry.

What a treat to run this morning, to sit outside, indulge in an iced coffee drink, with just her phone and her Moleskine. The past four years of college, jobs, volunteer work, tests, etc. had left her with little time to reflect upon the big picture of her life. What did she want? Where was she going?

A few business types gave her smiles as she glanced at them on occasion, taking a break in her “morning pages”. The stream of consciousness writing had helped her to find a way back to herself.

After finishing the suggested 3 pages, Jessica opened the lid off her drink and let the ice melt in her mouth. Should she call him? Really? Would he think she was an idiot for not “hustling” like the rest of them? Why did she really want to call Dr. Matthews? Did she just want his approval to validate her actions?

Jessica sighed. Who cares, she thought. She had written and asked Spirit for guidance about her career. . .and Dr. Matthews' name had come forth onto paper. Time to follow through, Jess, she encouraged herself. . . get over your ego…

Jessica hand-combed her thick mane back into a ponytail and quickly called Dr. Matthews’s office phone number. She had saved all of her professors’ contact information in case she needed a school reference.

After two rings, she heard a familiar voice.

“Hi, Dr. Matthews, this is Jessica Parsons. I. . .was a student in your sophomore class about 2 years ago. I was wondering if I could meet with you to help me get insights and advice on my career now that I’ve recently graduated. I have some ideas, but I would really value your opinion as well. Are you keeping any summer office hours?”

Jessica held her breath and bit her lip, her sweaty legs squeezing together nervously. She hoped she wasn’t making a complete fool out of herself.

 

[Gr8chtr]

I was wondering if I could meet with you to help me get insights and advice on my career now that I’ve recently graduated. I have some ideas, but I would really value your opinion as well.

When he recognized Jessica Parsons' voice from her "Hi, Dr. Matthews", Jason's quick mind turned immediately to the obvious question: Why was she calling him? Almost universally when former students contacted him, they were asking for a letter of reference either for a job or for grad school. So, he imagined that to the her reason. But, no, this was very different. For a former student, especially one who wasn't even in his English Dept., to be asking for career advice was almost unheard of.

Jason wasn't entirely sure how he wanted to respond. He remembered Jessica very positively, but he wasn't sure how he could be of help to her. Besides, his six-week summer class met twice each week for three hours per session. He was pretty busy and wanted to savor his recent promotion by giving himself as much fee time as he could manage.

"However", Jason thought to himself, "this sounds pretty interesting. Sort of an adventure. Why not?" To Jessica he said, "Hi. Good to hear from you again. I remember you very well. Sure, I'd be happy to meet with you. I don't know how much good advice I have for you, but it would be fun just to say hello and see how you're doing. I remember well those very delightful meetings we had around your excellent term paper when you were in my class. I do have summer office hours. How about meeting Friday at about 2:00?"

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica exhaled. It concerned her that even he might not have good advice for her. She certainly didn’t want to go to her family for advice or pay for career counseling. . .yet. But, it was too late to back out gracefully.

“Sure, 2:00 on Friday is fine, thank you. Same office, correct?”

 

[Gr8chtr]

Friday morning in Boston dawned cool and damp as Jason took his daily morning run. He didn't have class today, lots of time to catch up on work and contemplate the six weeks of free time that he would have come mid-July when his summer teaching was over. But what kept coming to his mind was this out-of-the-blue meeting that he would have in the afternoon with former student, Jessica Parsons. She wanted, she said, "career advice". He had no idea what that meant, especially because she wasn't even an English major. Still, he looked forward to this meeting. He had always enjoyed meeting with her when she was a student in his 20th Century American Literature course. There was something about her, he realized, that he found attractive, and, playing his old memory tapes of his reactions during their meetings, he wasn't sure that his attraction to her was only about her mind.

Dressing after his morning shower Jason contemplated what to wear. Typically on a day when he wasn't teaching he wore a plain cotton shirt and fairly old jeans. But, today was forecast to have a high temp of 88 with accompanying high humidity. So, he donned a polo shirt that fit his trim torso rather tightly and a pair of NBA-style men's shorts, the loose fitting kind that end just below the knee. This outfit, he reasoned, would be comfortable in hot weather. And, well, maybe a nice, casual look to present to this former student.

As usual, Jason kept his office door open. At almost precisely 2:00 Jessica tapped lightly on the wall as she appeared framed in his doorway. One look, and Jason realized it wasn't just her mind that attracted him.

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica smiled as Dr. Matthews waved and gestured for her to enter. She was both relieved and surprised that he had dressed as casually as she. Her shorts were the classic, form-fitting chino short countered with a simple lightweight V-neck of deep blue and white. She wore a snug pink tank to keep the cleavage modest. And, of course, she topped it with a long gold necklace; her make-up fresh but simple. She did feel fit and healthy since graduation. Less stress in some ways; more time to rest and sleep.

Dr. Matthews looked much more youthful in his casual clothes and Jessica felt flustered until he gestured for her to sit down. She had come with a few notes in her moleskine, thankfully. It felt good to be back here, though. .. .somewhere where she had felt far away from any life-defining decisions.

“Well, thank you, Dr. Matthews for agreeing to see me. I. . . I promise I won’t take too much of your time.”

 

[Gr8chtr]

I promise I won’t take too much of your time.

Jason smiled at Jessica's greeting. Seeing her in her shorts and V-neck as she took the seat he offered her, the thought ran through his mind, "Looking like that you can stay as long as you want."

To Jessica, he said, "No problem. I'm not very busy at the moment. Now, tell me what's on your mind."

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica sighed. She hoped she wasn’t going to sound ridiculous.

“Well, I guess I just wanted validation that I’m doing the right thing,” Jessica laughed, as she made air quotes as she spoke the word 'right'.

“Except, I’m not really sure I am ready to hear otherwise. Okay, I’ll try to stop speaking in circles. So, as you know, I graduated with a degree in Communications and I took a lot of journalism classes. I purposely went broad, because I love all forms of communication. But, I’m not really ready to make a big commitment, a decision, and leave Boston. And, I feel as if I need a few months, if not a year, to just get back to myself, perhaps to travel, to reflect, and see who I am after four years. . . and what I want to do.”

Jessica paused, suddenly feeling warm. . .she wasn’t sure if she was just embarrassed to sound so unfocused or if the air conditioning had paused.

“So, basically. . . do you think it’s okay, or will it be detrimental, if I just continue with my part time jobs as an interpreter and editor, volunteer work, and free time to just enjoy myself and well. . . continue growing up? I just don’t feel ready to commit to ONE company, or to leave Boston just yet. I know I have to choose a path, a job, eventually, but for now, I have two roommates; money is not an issue. I guess I just see all my friends getting good jobs and I don’t want to miss my window. . .or be perceived as a failure. I’m seeking your opinion because I remember that you were always so skilled at being able to analyze the big picture of a story arc or a person’s motivations. I guess I’m trying to understand my own instincts and accept them without feeling guilty for not being ambitious.”

Jessica licked her lips and sighed. It felt good to get all that anxiety off her chest to someone.

 

[Gr8chtr]

Jason listened patiently as Jessica laid out her message. He was taken aback. She had indicated that she wanted career advice. This was more like the "what do I do with my life" question. What was he supposed to say? He could hardly simply tell her what to do. Even if he somehow knew the "right" answer, it was her decision.

An odd thought grew in the corner of his mind. This was a little like a story that was developing; something that someone as talented as Jessica could actually write up. He had heard about "narrative therapy" as a way to get clarity. Why not? And, he could help.

"Jessica," Jason said warmly, "you're really asking big questions about where to go with your life, as well as what to do tomorrow. I certainly can't answer those questions for you, but I think I might have a way that would help." Jason paused. He knew that he needed to give her some immediate reassurance.

"First, before I say anything more, I want to say, 'don't worry about what you need to do tomorrow, or next week. You're young, you seem to have a fairly settled immediate living situation, it's too late to apply to start grad school in the Fall, and, for someone as talented as you, there will always be an entry level job of some sort when you get ready to make your move. So, relax."

Jason paused again, but continued before Jessica could speak. "You need, I think, to think about the larger question of what you want, and where you want to go. So, here's where I come in. You are an excellent writer. Writing about something can often be very clarifying. So, my suggestion and offer is this: Write a very tight, 500-word essay on "Where I want to go." E-mail it to me by next Thursday. I can look it over Thursday evening." He laughed, "red pencil in hand, of course. Then, let's meet next Friday, a week from today, at 2:00 and I'll give you some feedback on what you wrote."

Jason paused again, "Oh, and, this damn office is so stuffy, let's meet at Whitey's Bar, you know the place where all of the grad students hang out."

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica wanted to clarify and disagree. She wasn’t worried about tomorrow, she just wanted to feel less strange about not hustling for a “real job”. Grad school hadn’t even been a consideration. No, she knew she belonged out in the world, even if she felt like an introvert.

She also didn’t think questions about her career where larger questions about her life. Career and life were entwined; at least that is how she saw it.

And although she was disappointed not to have specific suggestions or encouragement, she decided to attempt some form of writing out “Where I want to Go”. Maybe that was already written in bits and pieces in her moleskine. She would just write for three pages.

“Ok, I’ll give it a try, but I’m not even sure where I want to go yet. But, I’ll try to dream big. There might just be a lot of bullet points. And some of it is very personal.. . it might not even have anything to do with my career, but just some experiences that I’d like to have before I would feel freer in moving away from Boston."

Jessica shifted her position and adjusted her legs, folding one over the other. She was going to e-mail her life plans and Dr. Matthews would only reflect upon it for one day? Maybe she had held him in too high regard. Oh well, it couldn’t hurt to write it out. ..even just for herself.

Jessica sighed and stretched her legs. Dr. Matthews really wanted to be seen out in public with her? Granted, it was truly hot in his office.

“Um, ok, I’ll send you something, in some format, that is close to 500 words. It’s going to be as much of a surprise to me as it might be to you. I often don’t know what I think about anything until I start writing about it,” Jessica said, with an embarrassed laugh.

Jessica stood up and extended her hand. “Ok, next week; I’m looking forward to it. Thank you again, Dr. Matthews, for trying to help me. Also, if you could keep these career sessions private, I’d appreciate it.”

 

[Gr8chtr]

Jason accepted Jessica's extended hand and assured her that their sessions would be confidential.

As he watched Jessica exit his office, Jason began to wonder about his own motivations. Why had he suggested something like an on-going project? Why not just give her some fatherly advice and move on. And..most importantly, why the fuck did he suggest that they meet next time in a bar?

Jason didn't have any clear answers to his own questions, but he did know one thing for sure. He wanted to see Jessica Parsons again.

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica took her laptop to bed and nestled it onto her legs. She knew she had to write as if no one would read it. She doubted the word count would be a problem, or even matter. “Tight. . .keep it tight.”

Where I want to go/What I want to do. . . in no particular order. . .


1. Time to read books of my choice
2. Live in Europe for at least a year or two.
3. Live on a remote island for 6 months to a year.
4. Cross paths with people with lives very different from my own. Hear their stories. Perhaps document /write their story.
5. Freelance writer/journalist?
6. Get laid. . .finally, finally, finally. And by laid, I mean I want to trust my virginity to someone who I know will respect it and see and appreciate. . .all of me. Someone who knows how to love women and finds them beautiful.
7. Can women really orgasm? I’d like to experience this, if so. Of course, I guess I want a boyfriend. . . . but, it’s hard to commit if I don’t know where my life is going right now.
8. Live simply. Be able to move easily.
9. Be loved, love another. …deeply. Have someone make me coffee and want to cuddle with me in bed, in a hammock, on a sofa, on a beach.
10. Run a 5K. Ok, this is achievable!
11. Stay in Boston until I achieve . . some of those intimacy/sexual goals. I want my first time to be in the U.S.
12. Lots of lovers in my 20’s? Or, a few good ones? I don’t know! Get more comfortable with my own sexuality.
13. Help others; continue to teach English and volunteer for social organizations. Good for the soul and good for business contacts.
14. Continue to learn. Spend your time with people who make you laugh, teach you something, who are wise, or inspire you.
15. Bone up on my photography skills.


Jessica paused, and unzipped her hoody. Despite the summer heat, she liked to always wear something over her tanks. She never knew when her roommate’s boyfriend might show up, although they tended to be discrete. Also. . . it was just less of a reminder that she had her own sexual urges, some kinky and powerful, and she thought that if someone could see her body, then they’d see into her mind. It was only when she was certain that no one was around that she would touch herself under the covers. . .but, she never emoted a release that she occasionally overheard in her roommates and their partners, despite their attempts to stifle it. Their lovemaking sounds would fill her with loneliness. One day, she hoped sex was as regular a part of her life as her fitness life.

Jessica sighed and thought of Dr. Matthews. God, she needed someone like him to be her first. Mature, wise, experienced, worldly, respectful to women. Jessica had always imagined that he had a wife, or at the very least had a significant other and a regular, hot sex life like everyone else that she knew. He just exuded that during her class with him. Sometimes, in class, she had daydreamed that she was his girlfriend or wife. . . . and that they were in bed together, and she was on top of him, about to ride him as he caressed her hips. . . but, the fantasy never got further than that. Never to the point of penetration. It was just something silly, but she had to admit she had a latent attraction to Dr. Matthews.

Jessica groaned and lifted her hips. Shit, she was getting horny just thinking about sex. She rubbed her sore, sensitive full breasts. . .she imagined she was going to get her period soon. . . these intense feelings always came beforehand. . . . a desire to be touched, sexual, emotional, highly creative.

Jessica removed her top and pajama bottoms and used her finger to caress her labia. She was slick with moisture. With her middle finger, she gathered a dollop of her fluids and rubbed it onto her nipple and around her breast, before squeezing it firmly. She spread her legs wide, trying to imagine another man attending to her, making her cum with just his hands, encouraging her with soft words, telling her that she was beautiful. Jessica tried to relax, and while her body oozed desire, she just could not get herself to the point of release. . . It didn’t help, she supposed, that she was hesistant to be out of control of her body, or to put a finger inside of herself. . .

Her movements slowed, she allowed herself to rest and cool down, and washed her hands.

She quickly reviewed her assignment for Dr. Matthews and checked the word count. She added about 15 more items and then closed the note politely.

I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughtful feedback and advice. I’m sorry that my writing was not journalistic or tight, but I was afraid that if I thought too much, that I would have a blank screen. And, if I edited. . . that I’d delete. I’m sure I could answer more personal questions, but this is what I came up with as a stream of consciousness exercise. I hope I didn’t scare you away. I really do respect you and enjoyed your views in your classes.

Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow! I’m looking forward to it!

-Jessica

 

[Gr8chtr]

Jason finished reading the papers from the students in his Thursday class, dressed down to a t-shirt and his boxer short underwear, and propped himself up in bed, planning to read for a half an hour before falling to sleep. In the Fall he was once again teaching his 20th Century American Literature course - the same course that Jessica Parsons had taken two years ago - and he needed to read up. He had decided to include Robert Penn Warren's All the King's Men, the classic novel about a Southern populist governor who was a demagogue, as one of the required readings for his course. He had resisted assigning this book before, but in the era of Trump it seemed very timely. He had read only a few pages when he heard the notes from his phone indicating that he had received a message via e-mail.

Reading Jessica’s essay Jason was astounded. He had expected from this former student who was an excellent writer a short essay on broad life goals or direction. Instead, he found a long numbered list of things she would ideally like to do. And what a list! With his background in analyzing literature, he quickly set out to see if he could group this long list into a small number of themes. It wasn’t difficult. Two major themes practically jumped off of the page.

First, was a theme Jason titled “Youthful Adventures”, living a year in Europe, living on a remote island, having so few cares that one could read to her heart’s content, and so on. He knew instantly what advice he would give her about those goals: “Do it! Don’t waste your youth, it only comes around once.” In fact, he was a bit jealous of these possibilities for her life. He, himself, had worked so hard on his studies and his career, from high school until now, that he never had the kind of youthful adventures that she listed.

The second theme was equally clear, but presented a much more complex situation. Sex! Here was this young woman admitting to him that she was still a virgin – hard to believe at her age – and that she longed eagerly to end that status, and soon, after which she might want to see how much good sex she could have in her 20’s. To boot, apparently, she had never had an orgasm. What? She didn’t pleasure herself? Everybody pleasures themselves. But, although Jason was astounded by her revelations, the more astounding thing was that she was telling him! What was he to make of that?

Unlike some young professors Jason had never “dated” any of his students. It wasn’t that he didn’t find many of them to be attractive – oh, some were so attractive – but mostly, he didn’t do it because he knew it was wrong. Secondly, he didn’t want to get caught and possibly fired. He also didn’t flirt with them; that was a slippery slope in more ways than one. He had not sensed any flirtatious behavior from Jessica when she was in one of his classes; she didn’t seem to be like that. So, why reveal the intimate details of her non-existent sex life to him? He couldn’t figure it out.

Jason decided to play it cool. Meet Jessica at Whitey’s as planned, talk about her “Youthful Adventures” theme, and not mention her sexual ambitions. If she wanted to bring that up at their get together, well, ok. He would just have to play it by ear. He had no other guideline for that event. His plan finished, he simply sent Jessica a text, “Thanks for your paper. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow at 2:00 at Whitey’s.”

It didn’t take Jason long to discover that, as rational as his mind was being, his body had other thoughts. By the time he had finished thinking through his plan, he discovered that he had a full erection in his boxer shorts. Peeking inside, he discovered that the head of his cock was covered in precum. Jason also had a rule about not fantasizing about students. He was about to invoke that rule, when a thought struck him. Jessica was no longer a student! So, what would be the harm in a little erotic fantasy that wouldn’t lead anywhere anyhow?

Now desperately needing release Jason wrapped his hand around his slickened cock and began to stroke, closing his eyes to concentrate on images of Jessica. After just a few strokes, he stopped. This didn’t feel right. But he had gone too far to quit. He quickly substituted an image of a woman he had seen in the grocery store for his image of Jessica, and worked quickly to get the release he needed. Washing off and snuggling down in his bed, Jason thought. “No, I’m not going to get off fantasizing about Jessica. If I ever cum with her it will be with those great legs of hers that I saw last week sticking out of her shorts wrapped tightly around me, her hips gyrating and bucking up against me as I pound into her virgin pussy…not that any of that will actually ever happen, of course.”

 

[Sidney_1]

“Thanks for your paper. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow at 2:00 at Whitey’s.”

Jessica shivered after reading the text. It was one thing to write very personal desires and goals behind a keyboard; quite another to hear what Dr. Matthews thought of them in person.

She hadn’t planned on discussing so many personal things. . .but, her lack of sexual experience was playing quite a role in the back of her mind. . . it felt dishonest or incomplete not to mention it. It’s not like he could do anything about it, but maybe he could give her . . . just reassurance. . . that she wasn’t a freak for waiting for the right person. Whatever. He was an English professor and wise. . . certainly he had heard or read about every human challenge.

Friday was warm and sunny and Jessica decided to wear her new, floral maxi sundress with spaghetti straps and a tie front. She added gold sandals, thin turquoise dangling earrings, and placed her hair in a loose, high ponytail. She wasn't used to wearing. . . well, while far from revealing, it was more of her bust and cleavage than she usually shared in public. But she knew it would be warm in the afternoon. . . and she didn’t want Dr. Matthews to think she was prissy. She had basically told him that she was a virgin!

Jessica stared at her image. . .she couldn’t deny that she did look attractive. Quietly sexy, almost beautiful. Very healthy-looking. The hint of lip gloss and bronzer added a polished look. Oh well, hopefully, this would be fun and informative.

With butterflies in her stomach, Jessica walked from her last errand to Whitey’s. As usual, she was early, and eavesdropped on the conversations and buzz of people around her. Most people were discussing their work, their upcoming weekends, their friends.

 

[Gr8chtr]

Jason spotted Jessica immediately as he entered the bar. Even from across the room she looked great. The sundress that she was wearing - not her usual style, he noted - showed off her body to its best advantage. Given that it was a hot day and he didn't have to teach, Jason, himself, had tossed on a polo shirt and his knee-length running shorts.

Sliding into the seat across from Jessica he waived the server over to their table and ordered a Sam Adams draft, very Boston and Jason's favorite. Gesturing to Jessica he said, "Order what you'd like, drinks are on me."

After a little casual conversation about the weather and the Red Sox, Jason decided to get right to it. He thanked her for sending him her writing. He decided not to critique her work as though she were in his class; it wasn't the writing that counted, it was the ideas that mattered. Sticking to the plan that he had developed the night before, Jason told her how he had organized her list into themes and that one of them was what he called "Youthful Adventures". Trying not to sound like he was lecturing, he urged her to go for it and have those adventures before it was too late. He even took the risk of revealing that he had not done such, concentrating instead on his career, and how he regretted that to some degree.

By the time Jason had finished exhorting Jessica to take advantage of her youth, he had already started his second Sam Adams Boston Lager. He realized that the was getting pretty anxious about what to do with Topic A - Jessica's sexuality and experiences. Per his plan he decided to punt. Taking a long, slow sip of his beer he caught Jessica's gaze and said, "I, uh, know that your list also included several items related to very personal issues. Such issues can be very difficult to talk about, I know, but I'm available to listen if you wish to discuss them."

Finishing his transition to the sex topic Jason felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, literally. Funny, though, little beads of sweat were slowly running down both sides of his face.

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica smiled and nodded, and broke Dr. Matthews’s glance by looking at the crowd in the restaurant.

“I know; I can’t believe I just told you everything. I do feel that being intimate with someone is part of growing up, and it’s something everyone else my age has done and I haven’t. But, I don’t think it’s fair to date if I have thoughts of traveling abroad soon. So, I feel sort of stuck. And yet, I don’t want to travel and do this special experience. . .sex. . . for the first time in a foreign land. I’m open to it after that, in fact, I’m very curious, but I want my first experiences to be here.”

Jessica sighed and popped a fry in her mouth.

Dr. Matthews looked warm and radiant from his beer. He was such a good listener and adept at putting the big picture together. Of course. . .there was nothing to feel weird about. . .her soul was just craving a year of adventure. She liked the idea of having a year or two of “Youthful Adventures.” Like a chapter in time. And also, her soul was craving a sexual experience and the magic of an orgasm. . . . and her body was, too; hot and horny, it was hard to ignore now.

Jessica licked the foam of the beer from her lip and dabbed the moisture with her napkin.

“So, if I know I am going to be going abroad and am not in a position to commit to any long-term relationships, how do I go about finding someone to help me fully experience being a woman? I don’t want to hurt anyone or make them feel like they are being used. I mean, for all I know, we could both fall in love with each other and travel together. That would be awesome. But, someone told me that your first lover should not be your last, so that has always stayed with me, too. So, I’m a bit stuck! Am I just over-thinking and it and should I just get laid like everyone else?” Jessica laughed.

Jessica downed the remains of her beer and shook her head. “That’s not my style, or I would have done that by now. I do want it to feel intimate and sexy. Was your first time magical? Do you have any advice for me?”

Jessica knew these questions were personal, and Dr. Matthews might not want to share his private life with her, but it couldn’t hurt to ask. Her boldness came from her journalism background. Most people loved to talk about themselves.

Jessica shifted her sticky legs in the chair. As she looked at all the couples and groupings of attractive men and women, the urge to be sexual rose within her once again. Dr. Matthews understood her so well. . . she wished she could find someone just like him… who could take her places where she’d be . . . stop it, Jessica. He has a girlfriend or lover, she admonished herself. Besides, he was your professor. You can not have sex with him. . . .

And then all of a sudden Jessica realized what she wanted. She wanted a sexual mentor. . .someone who would help initiate and teach her about how to make love and enjoy both giving and receiving. . . perhaps it didn't have to involve deep attachment, just deep attraction and maturity. . . and a sense of trust and safety. Still, it sounded impossible!

 

[Gr8chtr]

Jessica had astounded Jason once again. He had anticipated that she might respond to his invitation to discuss "personal issues" with a very superficial gloss, or, perhaps, just a "thanks, I may take you up on your offer at some point. But, no, she dived right in revealing even more intimate details of her desires.

Jason listened carefully, wanting to respect Jessica's need to unburden herself. He tried, with some difficulty, to not focus on any erotic images intimated by her remarks. When she finished, he paused for several moments, not wanting to rush in and respond unthoughtfully.

"Well, first," Jason began as he finished off his second beer, "I want to agree completely with two of your thoughts. First, if you are really serious about living abroad for a year and having that great, youthful experience, I don't think you want to carry the baggage of still being a virgin with you. That burden will take over the rest of your experience and you'll miss a lot of the fun and joy that you would otherwise have. Second, " Jason paused feeling rather warm. He interrupted himself to order a third beer. " Whoever told you that, 'your first lover should not be your last', spoke the truth. I just read where the average millenial, your and my generation, has about 8 sex partners ultimately. So, at least statistically, you need not wait for Mr. Right."

Jason stopped. She had asked him about his own "first". What did he want to tell her, if anything? He decided, though, that she was being so sincere that he owed it to her to respond. "Um...you asked me about my 'first'. Well...uh...it was in the middle of my first semester as a college freshman. I was feeling bad about still being a virgin because most of my friends had been having sex in high school." He laughed. "Well, at least that's what they claimed. Anyhow, my dorm roommate got invited by an upper classman friend of his to an off-campus apartment party. My roommate took me along. There was lots of drinking - me too - and, well, there was this girl, Rachel Weiss, who was also drinking quite a bit. We started flirting and she suggested that we take a walk outside to cool off. The apartment was on the edge of a large park. We sat down on a bench, started to kiss, and, well...you know..things progressed, and we ended up having sex on the grass. Rachel and I dated for the rest of the semester, having sex on just about every date, but after the Christmas break somehow we just never went on as a couple."

By the end of his "Rachel story" Jason's third beer had arrived. Taking a slow sip he continued. " Well...I'm not entirely proud of this story, but I think it has some relevance to you. I am not in any way saying that you should get drunk and lose your virginity, but I am saying, 'don't make too big a deal of it.' Rachel and I never became a real couple, but we enjoyed each other's company and we definitely enjoyed each other's bodies. I saw Rachel many times going to class or at parties and we were always friendly, and I still have very warm memories of her. In fact, my...uh..former fiancee, whom I just broke up with three months ago, and I ran into Rachel at my college reunion and we all had drinks together."

The third beer was really beginning to loosen Jason up. "And...I have one more piece of advice for you, and it's related to my Rachel story. As you look for your first sexual partner, of course you are going to want someone whom you would otherwise like and who you find not just physically attractive. But, be sure that he's (or she's) someone to whom you are really physically attracted. And, Jessica, you won't need your mind to inform you about that; your body will tell you loud and clear."

Even though he was now mid-way through his third beer, Jason was struck hard by two thoughts that bothered him. First, he had rambled on like the professor that he was, talking a lot rather than listening. And, second, his body had a real clear message for him: He found Jessica to be really hot. No, check that, super hot.

Thinking that he had better extract himself before he made a fool of himself or worse, Jason tossed a pile of bills on the table to cover the whole tab, stood up, and patted Jessica on her shoulder. "Uh...I'm sorry...I have to go. You'll be fine. If you need any help, just let me know."

Exiting Whitey's quickly and heading toward his townhouse Jason nearly screamed at himself. If you need any help, just let me know. Fuck! His dick was doing the talking.

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica felt astounded and embarrassed to be sitting at Whitey’s alone. Dr. Matthews had just patted her on the shoulder, thrown down a wad of bills, and couldn’t seem to get away from her presence fast enough. Like she was a whore or something. It was so rude and Jessica knew she’d never share anything with him again or be seeking his ‘counsel’. Apparently some people were wise when it came to literature, but not a good role model when it came to their personal lives.

She was also shocked to hear that his first sexual experience was just that… a very physical experience, but not really anything deeper. Not a first love. He also seemed uncomfortable talking about it, and by the speed of his drinking, Jessica wondered . . .was he an alcoholic or binge drinker? Perhaps seeing him outside of the office was a huge mistake.

Jessica paid for her portion of the meal, and left the cash where it was. At least the waiter could have a big tip and someone would be uplifted.

To break the uneasy feeling, Jessica left the restaurant and browsed in the specialty shops on her way home. She decided it was best not to worry about her sex life, or lack thereof. Or to talk anymore to anyone about it. When the time was right, the time was right. Wherever she was. . . .

 

[Gr8chtr]

Jason returned directly to his townhouse, his head in a swirl. "What have I done?", he asked himself. The answers that he got were not comforting.

As he lay on his bed trying to think through the last 30 minutes of his life, Jason realized that he had acted hastily out of fear. His fear. he realized, was that he was becoming overwhelmingly attracted to Jessica sexually, with no particular reason to believe that such feelings were reciprocal, and that he might impulsively say something inappropriate or make an untoward move on her. To avoid that he left abruptly with little to no explanation. Not a particularly smooth or respectful move, he now realized.

Jason knew that he needed to contact Jessica and apologize, and, perhaps, explain his actions. "Text or phone?", he wondered. Text would be easier for him and maybe less intrusive for her, but might seem less sincere. He chose phone.

Since Jessica had called his office initially using her cell and since his office phone had caller ID, Jason had her cellphone number. Trying to control his nerves he punched in her number and held his breath until she answered. "Jessica," Jason began, "I'm calling to apologize. I left you abruptly, without any explanation, and after you had trusted me to divulge some of your most personal thoughts and feelings. I am sorry. I would like the opportunity to explain myself. I understand that you might not want to do that right now, although I would if you were open to that, but I would like to have this chance soon, if possible.

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica hesitated; still surprised that Dr. Matthews would call her on her cell phone and that they were speaking. She sat down on a park bench, within view of the harbor. She was comforted by the interruption of the sounds of the seagulls.

She hugged her arms into her chest.

“Yes, you did leave me abruptly, and I found that confusing. I did divulge some very. . . personal things to you, Dr. Matthews, because I trusted your judgment. It did feel hurtful when you just left. . . and I am angry and hurt. . . but, if you have an explanation, I guess I’d like to clear this up right now. Because right now, to be honest, you’ve lost my respect.”

Jessica could feel the tears starting to well up. Would she always feel this alone in the world? Was she always going to be wrong about her heroes and mentors? Was this really not a big deal, and she was just angrier than usual because she was PMS’ing, and she really wanted to just get laid?

 

[Gr8chtr]

...but, if you have an explanation, I guess I’d like to clear this up right now. Because right now, to be honest, you’ve lost my respect.

Jason felt a shiver run from his head to his feet. Indeed, it was clear that he had hurt her. He'd given his apology; he owed her an explanation. The ball was clearly now in his court. He wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to say to her, or how he wanted to say it. Ideally, they would meet in a couple of days, and in the meantime he could think carefully about his message.

But, he had offered her the option of doing this now, and she had chosen that option. To hesitate now would be rubbing salt in a wound. He had no choice but to reciprocate. He thought quickly about where to meet. To go back to Whitey's would be an obvious mistake. Another bar/restaurant would probably also seem like a replay.

Jason took a deep breath, trying to speak as calmly as he could. "Ok, Jessica. Meeting now would be fine. My townhouse is only about 6 blocks from Whitey's. If meeting here is not too uncomfortable for you, this would probably be the easiest. I'm at 475 Shawmut Ave."

 

[Sidney_1]

As all sorts of second thoughts, ran through Jessica, she ignored them. You weren’t supposed to go to stranger’s houses alone. But, Dr. Matthews had clearly never given her an indication that he . . . surely he was not a rapist. He had not given that vibe at all; in truth, she hadn’t sensed that he was attracted to her physically at all. She sensed she’d be fine. It was just old programming.

“Ok, Dr. Matthews, I would be curious to know. . .to understand more. Maybe it was something that I did and should know for next time,” Jessica offered, quietly.

She dabbed the tear that ran down her cheek.

“Ok, I should be there in just a few minutes,” Jessica said, as she headed west, towards the city.

 

[Gr8chtr]

It took less than 15 minutes for Jessica to appear at Jason's door. He showed her in, trying to hide his nervousness. Ordinarily, when having a guest at this house, Jason would offer the guest a glass of wine or a beer, but his common sense told him that, under the circumstances in which he had acted rashly in a bar, it was best to not make that offer. He did ask her is she wanted a glass of water or juice.

Jason motioned to Jessica to have a seat in one of the two single chairs that sat facing each other but at the opposite corners of his living room. The only other seating arrangement was his couch. Given the tension between them and what he knew he was going to say, having them both sit on the couch, even one at each end of his rather long couch, was clearly out of the question.

As anxious as he was it was very tempting to launch into some introductory small talk, but Jason reasoned that if his apology and his offer of an explanation was going to be taken as sincere - which it was - he had to jump right in. This wasn't a social call by an admiring former student.

"So, uh...I want to start out, Jessica, by apologizing again for my rude behavior at Whitey's. It was inappropriate, and certainly disrespectful of you, particularly given the trust that you apparently vested in me. So,...uh...I'll try to give you the explanation that you are warranted."

When he had offered Jessica a glass of water, Jason had gotten one for himself. He paused, now, briefly to take a large sip. His mouth was so dry that it felt like cotton. "Jessica, when you called me I was delighted to hear your voice because I had such good memories of our meetings around the work that you were doing in my course. You were, uh..I presume still are...an outstanding student and that impressed me. To boot, you were always so very pleasant that I looked forward to our meetings. Uh...I've seldom been contacted by a former student, and when I have been it's usually for a reference letter. I assumed that you were looking for some career advice, like whether you should go to graduate school. When we met in my office it was clear that you were looking for help or advice with things that were much broader than that, but, of course, I still didn't know what, which was why I suggested you writing an essay."

Jason paused for a sip again. "When I read what you sent me, I was shocked - not about what you said about your....uh...you know...sex life, but that you would share those intimate thoughts with me. I wasn't offended, I was just, well, thrown for a loop. I anticipated, incorrectly, that since it's often easier to say difficult things in writing than verbally, that you might not be so open when we met at Whitey's, but, to your credit, Jessica, you were brave and didn't hold back."

By this time Jason felt so flushed that he would have liked to throw a bucket of water on himself. He paused and took another long sip before plunging in to the punch line of his narrative. "As you poured out your heart at Whitey's I became increasingly nervous, which is, no doubt, why I drank the beers so quickly. The topic of our conversation made me overwhelmingly anxious because, Jessica, uh...well...beginning when we met in my office and...uh...really rocketing up when I read your essay and when we were at Whitey's, I realized that I...uh...um...am really...uh...very attracted to you. Of course, I do greatly admire your intellect and your personality, but...uh...I mean that I am...uh...very attracted to you..uh..physically. Uh...you know..uh..I mean, sexually. As we sat at Whitey's I was afraid that I would...uh...say something inappropriate, or...uh...even make an unwanted advance. So...well...I bolted."

Jason slumped back in his chair, exhausted. Feeling a good deal older than his 31 years, Jason finished, "Well, Jessica, that's it."

 

[Sidney_1]

Jessica suddenly realized that she had crossed a major line by being so personal about her goals and dreams. What was she thinking . . .talking to an ex-professor, one that she had a crush on, about her desire to explore her sexuality… among all the rest of her crazy dreams!

Dr. Matthews, although articulate and precise as always, was clearly uncomfortable about confessing to her what had really happened at Whitey’s.

Jessica could barely take it in. Had she known that he’d be so uncomfortable, she never would have spoken to him like. . .a confidante. But, she had, and now it was out. Her feelings, his reactions. . .and Jessica realized that it was too much of a conflict for Dr. Matthews to be both an authority figure and . . . an attraction towards her??? Had she heard correctly????

Jessica licked her lips and tugged at her long, thin dangling earring. Oh God, was her fantasy coming true? Was he really attracted to her on all levels?

“Wow,” Jessica breathed. “I. . .had no idea. I just naturally assumed that professors would not think about students in that way. I. . .just can’t believe. . . but, I do understand why you left so abruptly, now. I can’t believe it, but I have to admit that I feel honored that you’re attracted to me,” Jessica said, as she looked down at herself in her long dress.

“You were one of the few people that I have been secretly attracted to during college, too. I just naturally assumed that you were married or had a girlfriend.”

 

[Gr8chtr]

You were one of the few people that I have been secretly attracted to during college, too. I just naturally assumed that you were married or had a girlfriend.

Jason could hardly believe his ears. God, they had both been operating on the same wrong assumption. They both thought that the other one was attracted to them, and they were both wrong.

"What to do now? Where to go from here?" was the obvious question in Jason's mind. He realized that, even though they were now sort of on an equal plane, the ball was in his court. He was still the older of the two and, at least for the moment, still the one with the most status. They were both physically attracted to each other, but it was clear that Jessica did not want to lose her virginity on a hook-up, although she was also very open to a short-term relationship before she started what he had termed her "youthful adventures".

Jason paused deliberately before speaking, in order to organize his thoughts and not just utter a blooper. "Jessica, it looks like we have just confessed something to each other. Before I say anything else, I do want to say that if you were still a student, I would have not said what I did, even if I were attracted to you. But, you are no longer a student, so I felt free to confess, although I am sure that you noticed that I was pretty nervous." He allowed himself a little laugh at that to break the tension.

Jason took the last sip of water from the glass that he was still holding. "So, I have a suggestion, Jessica. Today is Friday. If you don't have anything planned for tomorrow evening, how about if you and I have a formal date." He surrounded the word "date" with air quotes. "I'm thinking, for example, maybe a very nice dinner at a white tablecloth restaurant. On me, of course, given the differences in our current incomes. Of course, if you are busy tomorrow we could always find another day and time. So, what do you say?"

Before Jessica could answer, smiling he added, "Oh, and, by the way, please call me 'Jason'".