Expansion possibilities??

[Chmleon]

I have been circling around the idea of the guilt-apathy-frustration axis for some time and jotted this as a starting point. Any feedback will be most welcome. Any sympathizers? Dissident opinions?



*Progress*

Guilt-ridden horses

waiting to be saddled
with their next estrangement

Lope playfully near

tumult-shifting backdrops
that flee avoidance

Mementos lost in

moments best forgotten
quickly urging

Enshrouded stampedes

into culpable staging
preceding

Subtle glances thrown

waiting to be noticed
Ignored

Transition swiftly:

Initial twinge, lassitude,
Scorn.

 

[Angeline]

Hi and welcome to the poetry forum.

Overall, I think this is an excellent starting point. I really like the horses metaphor, which you've carried through a lot of the images. It works really well and couldl ultimately tie it all together. I'd use this metaphor more, but it's a balancing act, I know, you don't want to go overboard.

I tend to want things laid out pretty clearly--not a preference of all poets (including some pretty famous ones), but because of that there are some phrasings that throw me. Specifically:

Guilt-ridden horses

waiting to be saddled
with their next estrangement

Lope playfully near

I love the first three lines, but line four seems to not fit to me because why would guilt and estrangement result in "playful" actions? I envision something slower and worn out or, alternatively, phrasing that suggests a frantic distancing from "estrangement." That would move more toward apathy, to me.

tumult-shifting backdrops
that flee avoidance

I'm not sure I get "tumult-shifting"--"tumultuous" seems more logical to me. And why flee avoidance? Avoidance seems to me to be to be on the way to apathy, unless you flee it because you're so apathetic you don't care about avoiding difficulties. The latter idea seems clearer to me. If that's what you mean I'd develop it more.

Mementos lost in

moments best forgotten
quickly urging

Enshrouded stampedes

into culpable staging
preceding

Subtle glances thrown

Love "Mementos...urging," though I prefer the simpler "shrouded." Also "subtle" seems odd occuring so soon after "stampede" because the image of a stampede is so noisy and full of movement. It's hard for me to picture a stampede preceding something subtle.

waiting to be noticed
Ignored

Transition swiftly:

Initial twinge, lassitude,
Scorn.

I like all of these but I think the poem, when fleshed out, will be stronger if you develop the idea of "Transition swiftly."

I'm also wondering how much you want to balance sections on each of the emotions in your axis. I would probably end up doing it pretty evenly, but that's me.

I hope you find this helpful. It's just one person's opinion, and you certainly know best what you want to say. If my suggestions aren't your cup of tea, no hard feelings.

Hope to see it again, whatever you end up doing with it.


Ange