expanding poly to another dom.

[Shadowedge]

My SO and I have been in relasionship for 2 and a half years. We have from the very begining been polyamorous and continue to be involved with other people. While we do lots of BDSM play when it is just the two of us, we have been slow to encorperate this into other secondary relasionships, mostly for safety reasons. SO had initally said that he preferred that no one else Dom. me, and we had abided by this. Eventually our secondary partner become close and trusted enough that he feels comforitable with her domming me while he is present.

This is a very satisaftory situation for me. The issue arose when we saw for the first time in several months a friend of his from college, whom we had run a very intense shared scene with at Fetish Ball, a party at my college that our friends run. SO and I had prenegotated that if his friend were game they would both whip and beat me, but because of the setting, nothing sexual would happen. The scene went off very well, and I belive that everyone envoled enjoyed it a great deal. SO and I certainly did.

It was, in fact, one of the most intense scenes I had ever done, and at least part of this was due to the more intense style of Domming that his friend used. My SO Doms me mainly because it gets me off in a big way, and has come to enjoy it a great deal. BUT, adding it to our relationship was entirely my idea, whereas domming is something that his friend activly pursues in relationships.

Seeing this friend brought up all of my reaction from the prevoius scene. When SO and I talked about the possiblity of adding her into our relationship we ran smack into some issues neither of us had though about much.

On his side, SO was afriad that I would want the more intense, perhaps full time dom sub relationship that she could provide, and I, while certian I don't want to take a dom sub relationship full time, am afraid that I might be seduced away from SO to the friend, because of the sheer emotional intensity of the way that she doms. I refuse to do this to SO whom I love very much.

So the actual question is this: is there any way to work through this situation so we can have the possiblity of introducing a very Dominate person into our poly relasionship? Any advice would be very helpful. thank you for you time, and reading this (very long!) post.

Shadowedge

 

[Tollo]

Can it be done? Sure, if it is something that all three of you want, for yourselves and each other. If your question refers to the specific individual you speak about in your post, then I think you already know the answer. You say yourself that bringing this person into your existing relationship will probably cause damage.

So you have a choice. Stay with the SO whom you love, or pursue the person who can give you something he cannot. People in long term relationships must run the gauntlet of this ultimatum (in one form or another) from time to time. I would imagine it is even more common for those in poly/open relationships.

Maybe the style of dominance of this other person is something you truly need for yourself, maybe it is and yet you may have other equally important needs- would they be met?, and maybe it is something you are infatuated with today but not necessarily tomorrow. Your call.

It seems like you need to discuss this further with your SO. Maybe the two of you will find a way to bring in a more dominant third, but right now it seems like you both have too many doubts, concerns and fears (and IMO all well founded ones to boot). Keep an open mind and keep experimenting. You may have needs that are beyond the confines of your current relationship, but take the time to really figure this out before doing something that jeopardizes what you have.

Tollo

 

[catalina_francisco]

While these type questions exist, I would tread very carefully, if not avoid involving another altogether. IME for poly to work where there is a primary relationship, any others added to the mix have to be there because they can add something to the existing relationship for both people in some way, but are not necessary for that primary relationship to thrive. If there are questions around the possibility of the third tempting one or the other away from the primary relationship for any reason, my thinking is there are issues in that relationship which need addressing openly and honestly before involving anyone else. The ideal situation is to have a great relationship and add others for fun and exploration, not possible replacement, as it then becomes a situation of not looking for poly but perhaps an easy way to find another partner to replace the existing one.

Unfortunately, and I may be misreading it through the screen, it sounds as if you have already weighed the friend and your SO against each other in terms of who you would prefer, and your SO is coming out the loser....isn't it possible to appreciate them both for what they give to you and you to them without making it a contest of who does it better or for the right reasons IYO? It may be that both give equally, just in different ways and areas....you would not be the first person to think the grass could be greener on the other side of the fence just to find it really wasn't, it was just a different shade of green which on it's own was not enough. It could also be simply that you have reached a point where your present relationship has fulfilled its lifespan and you need to move on...that is not a bad thing as long as you realise it and don't screw yourself or anyone else over it.

Catalina

 

[Bandit58]

Interesting I have recently (in the last month) found a female play partner who is quite Dominant, though she claims to be a switch. I have played with her both separately and with Master, though both times that happened they were clothed and I was the naked one Not all the play involves D/s - we are just as happy to be vanilla together as well

She is becoming a great friend to both of us but there is no intention to set up a poly household. All of us are quite happy to limit the play to a few sessions at our place (she has a teenage daughter living with her that makes for privacy issues!). I love Master and He loves me, there is no way anyone else could come between our primary relationship. As Catalina said, it is for fun and exploration, not replacement rather enhancement

 

[Shadowedge]

Thank you all.

Thank you all for your input on the situation.

Tollo and Catalina, you were both correct in the summation that communication is the key. I managed to get several things straight in my head, (thanks in part to your posts,) among them: A) sex is not the most important part of an intimate relationship, (sure sounds self evident now!), B) it is important to me that the person who is domming me wants to be doing so, and C) I refuse to leave the most awesome relationship I have ever had to be with someone else, no matter how much they turn me on.

Once I got to this point, I talked with SO. His responses were, A) “good.” B) “You mean you don’t thing I don’t WANT to dom you?” and C)… Well actually things got really mushy, so I’ll spare you.

The outcome has been a lot less anxiety on both of our parts, and the decision to wait awhile before doing any active pursuing. I also came to the realization that a support structure is a really good thing to have when it comes to both BDSM and poly. Perhaps even more so when they overlap. So this may be my new pet project.

I guess I was also unclear about setting up my expectations on the post, and in my head, for that matter. Bandit58, the situation you have is really more what I want, (I think!) rather than adding another primary partner to the mix.

Once again, thank you all for your time and advice, it helped a lot.

Shadowedge

 

[chris9]

Good to know that the 'communication' everyone here does preach constantly really DOES work out and help to solve problems (yes, self-evident, still, sometimes hard to do, so for me, proof is always welcome )

 

[Rrrosyn]

My sub, and fiance, have also discussed this at length. We've been together a year and a half. I cannot tell you what you should do but I can share the conclusion we came up with.

No. It would damage us to bring someone in just for the sake of a three-some and we have no reason to. We leave the option open for the future.

Now we agree on a lot of the issues. Both of us are bi, but we both would prefer another male submissive. I will not be dominated or switch.

Right now he has work aquaintances and I hope he will have school friends when the college semester starts. We even attend munches. However, we have no true "us" friends that are not online only.

We came up with the following possibility: If we were to be hanging out a lot with a single friend and one of us started to feel a great love for that friend, then we would confide that feeling with a promise of no punishment or attack, with the other. This is the only way we will enter into a poly relationship.

Moving out of my mother's house would probably help too. She accepts the BDSM with a shake of the head, but she would never get a truly poly relationship. She'd understand a threesome phase. I'm the only girl in the family who hasn't done a threesome.

But back to topic, it is my opion that you put yourself and your partner in front of sexual and fetish and BDSM and everything. Only children can ever, ever come before your relationship as a couple. I don't know if you let this relationship evolve, but logically, if you did, you should let the next come and evolve and reach whatever point it does.