Exhibitionism

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

How To F**k Me 101

Ok, too early for me I guess posted the wrong thing here to begin with . So, here is what I really meant to post. I'd like some feedback as to this poem please.
Wicked

How To Fuck Me 101

 

[_Land]

Re: How To F**k Me 101

Ok, too early for me I guess posted the wrong thing here to begin with . So, here is what I really meant to post. I'd like some feedback as to this poem please.
Wicked

How To Fuck Me 101

The rhyme scheme is pleasant, but I Feel like I've seen this poem before......................not literally, but figuritivley speaking

 

[WickedEve]

Great title.
But as far as the poem goes, I must agree with land.
The poem is fine but there are many at literotica that are very, very similar.
Maybe you can take this poems and try adding a few personal touches that would make it stand out. Something you've experienced maybe...

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Thank you both for your thoughts and Wicked Eve thanks for your suggestion. Much appreciated.
Wicked

 

[JUDO]

Me likey. - Judo

 

[beths-virtue]

not to be one of the maddening crowd, it has, well, potential, i think , with more work on the phrasing, it could be truely unique and individual

unfortunately, even though it is your own work, a look through the lists , would show other works quite similar, perhaps its the forum..
or simply the commonality of experience

 

[Rybka]

Registered: Aug 2002
Location: Moving
Posts: 117
not to be one of the maddening crowd, it has, well, potential, i think , with more work on the phrasing, it could be truely unique and individual

unfortunately, even though it is your own work, a look through the lists , would show other works quite similar, perhaps its the forum..
or simply the commonality of experience

"I second the emotion!" - Mighty Sparrow



Regards, Rybka

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: How To F**k Me 101

I'd like some feedback as to this poem please.
Wicked

How To Fuck Me 101

You have gotten sensible comments already. Thus let me go into some details.

The title is: How To Fuck Me 101

I interpret "101" as an undergraduate course, and it amuses me. Nice.

After its title the poem starts with:

  Fuck me
  Make me gasp for air

That first line is extra double bad. You already have "Fuck" in the title. You don't need that first line. Remove it. You wouldn't need it even if the title was different. "Fuck me" is unintersting, general. It only steals effect from the second, much more interesting line. If your poem started with:

  Make me gasp for air

it would be something. But after "Fuck me" it doesn't bring anything new for a reader. Keep your readers on their toes! Do not explain anything.

In the line

  Roughly pull my hair

word "Roughly" again is a waste. Look, you already have written:

  Spank me
  Roughly pull my hair

You see? Don't be wordy. Look:

  Spank me
  Pull my hair

Much better. Don't beat that horse to its death. Don't be overly pedantic either. concrete--yes, pedantic--no.

The same goes for lines 3-4 below:

  Slam me
  Face down on the bed
  Hold me there
  Make me stay


Lines 3-4 don't buy for your reader much. Don't beat that horse to the death. A poetic painting of images should as a rule consist of just a few well selected, crisp, colorful dots. Don't paint every square inch. Your reader will paint the rest. Each reader in her/his own way, depending on their experience, imagination...

You may think about adding an intro part to your poem. The idea would be to avoid monotony (you know, all that fucking and fuckin' only, and readers' jaw goes down from boredom). That intro would give you a chance for a different meter, for something melodic. Then you get the contrast. And the effect of what you have written may be enhanced. I will append my own poem since off hand I am not able to provide other examples. I do that change of tempo and rhythm quitre often because your melody should fit the scene, the action or the (changing) mood.

Regards,

  Senna Jawa

PS. For the sake of communication I have to oversimplify, I cannot write a whole dissertation with all qualifications of the statements and disclaimers.


            ==========================================




  a song of no bandwidth


        lady loneliness
          never leave me alone
        lady loneliness
          my faithful

    thru stages and states
    from one ocean to another
    you motion to me and i follow

          lady loneliness
        never leave me alone
          lady loneliness
        to you i belong

    downtowns restaurants bars
    waiters in a hurry engineers
    lawyers consultants on retainer and streetful
    transients recovering empty
    pop cans from garbage containers
    police ambulance sirens
    mixed with the loud music
    from cabriolets driven by youngsters
    ringing streetcars and deafening buses
    prick tattoo needles into my skin while
    lady loneliness from afar
    wraps her slender arms around my neck

      lady loneliness
      never leave me
      lady loneliness
      ...





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1995/05/27-28