Exhibitionism story Looking for some feedback.

[GrantBricksly]

I have a new story just went live the other day. I have a few votes, but not much. Would love to get some actual feedback on it if anyone is up to reading it.

It's posted in the Exhibitionist/Voyeurism category. It does have a bit of BDSM to it, but it is (I think) light on that.

A quick Synopsis:
The story is a submissive slut, who is traveling to see her Dominant/Master. She receives a package with instructions on what to do on her trip to see him.

Link:
https://literotica.com/s/visiting-master-ch-01

Again, votes would be nice, but feedback would be even more appreciated!

 

[ofbuttons]

Hi there. I gave this one a read when it popped up on New Stories, as it has themes that I enjoy. I'll share my thoughts.

A fun premise. Very silly and unrealistic, of course, but I doubt realism is what you're going for, so it reads as a feature rather than a bug. In general, what moved me to read it was the premise of a long-distance control of a dom over their submissive, and I liked the presence he still had in the story, like how the unnamed lady in question would contemplate his punishments for her behaviour, or consider how his rules applied to certain situations.

One thing is that this is a E&V story. There was no real sense of embarrassment from her, anxiety about her skimpy clothing, interest from the wider world besides the people Master set up for her to encounter directly, no sense of risk or danger. The TSA lady plant is actually a pretty good device (for an erotica fantasy story) -- I'd have ratcheted up the main character's anxiety about trying to get through security due to the way she was dressed and the evidence of cum on her, and have her feel real despair that she was hauled aside, only to realise that her Master had found a way to sneak her through.

And while this is actually what occurs, emotionally it doesn't feel that way. She's more worried about needing to suck someone off in line (!) and getting arrested for it, as opposed to the most likely and arguably more titillating experience of getting found out or exposed in some way just as she is, being forced to explain herself or judged, and the latter danger is one of the aspects that I think people look for in E&V.

The other thing that struck me as maybe in need of tweaking was the main character's sexual frustration/arousal, to suit the purpose of structuring your story. By not being allowed to touch herself and then only being able to pleasure people orally/with her hands, this has a nice set up for frustration. But there were lines where she's thinking about how aroused she is and hoping that the stranger she has encountered will use her mouth/hands -- would this not intensify her frustration? I don't think she needs to be reluctant at all, and horniness can make her want to perform sex acts despite herself, but it would be a nice way to build tension if she was more and more frustrated and aroused as more things happened to her, and so an orgasm kind of becomes more of a climactic (heh) moment for the tension of your story instead of incidentally happening in the middle.

Without that, I kind of felt like we were just meandering through without being too affected by what was occurring. Especially considering you've used second person.

Bonus note: wet substances would have fabric stick to skin, not slide it around.

Hope that was helpful! It's a solid little story in general, so please take my feedback with however many grains of salt you like.

 

[GrantBricksly]

In general, what moved me to read it was the premise of a long-distance control of a dom over their submissive, and I liked the presence he still had in the story, like how the unnamed lady in question would contemplate his punishments for her behaviour, or consider how his rules applied to certain situations.

That is what I was going for.

One thing is that this is a E&V story. There was no real sense of embarrassment from her, anxiety about her skimpy clothing, interest from the wider world besides the people Master set up for her to encounter directly, no sense of risk or danger. The TSA lady plant is actually a pretty good device (for an erotica fantasy story) -- I'd have ratcheted up the main character's anxiety about trying to get through security due to the way she was dressed and the evidence of cum on her, and have her feel real despair that she was hauled aside, only to realise that her Master had found a way to sneak her through.

I was unaware of an expectation of embarrassment or anxiety in such stories. My wife and I are Exhibitionists. We Fool around in public all the time. We are neither anxious or embarrassed by the situations we are in. Yes, there is the risk of being caught, and that is real, but that I thought I touched on.

My hope, was that the MC's lack of anxiety, would read as Trusting that her Master had taking care of things. That even when he was not there, she could trust that she was safe.

The other thing that struck me as maybe in need of tweaking was the main character's sexual frustration/arousal, to suit the purpose of structuring your story. By not being allowed to touch herself and then only being able to pleasure people orally/with her hands, this has a nice set up for frustration. But there were lines where she's thinking about how aroused she is and hoping that the stranger she has encountered will use her mouth/hands -- would this not intensify her frustration? I don't think she needs to be reluctant at all, and horniness can make her want to perform sex acts despite herself, but it would be a nice way to build tension if she was more and more frustrated and aroused as more things happened to her, and so an orgasm kind of becomes more of a climactic (heh) moment for the tension of your story instead of incidentally happening in the middle.

Perhaps I will make some edits. My thought process here, was that she was indeed frustrated sexually, by not being allowed to cum. But, by the end, she decides that she is frustrated and aroused enough, that it is worth the punishment she is going to earn.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story, and give some solid feedback. I really appreciate it!

 

[ofbuttons]

I was unaware of an expectation of embarrassment or anxiety in such stories. My wife and I are Exhibitionists. We Fool around in public all the time. We are neither anxious or embarrassed by the situations we are in. Yes, there is the risk of being caught, and that is real, but that I thought I touched on.

Fair enough - I don't want to over-emphasise some kind of genre-related expectation, nor do I really think anxiety/embarrassment have to be there, so I'll amend my feedback to saying that her level of trust that everything would be fine (and everything being fine) make the story, on the level of pacing and structure, a little detached in feeling when I read it. It's probably in part my personal bias, but the airport is in itself such a high stakes kind of place that when the story's premise is "go out in public, do sex acts, specifically in an environment where you can get pulled aside for literally anything", I anticipate more internal conflict.

And you're welcome! Glad to provide, thanks for sharing your story.

 

[GrantBricksly]

Fair enough - I don't want to over-emphasise some kind of genre-related expectation, nor do I really think anxiety/embarrassment have to be there, so I'll amend my feedback to saying that her level of trust that everything would be fine (and everything being fine) make the story, on the level of pacing and structure, a little detached in feeling when I read it. It's probably in part my personal bias, but the airport is in itself such a high stakes kind of place that when the story's premise is "go out in public, do sex acts, specifically in an environment where you can get pulled aside for literally anything", I anticipate more internal conflict.

And you're welcome! Glad to provide, thanks for sharing your story.

No need to change your feedback, I appreciate your point of view. Afterall, as a reader, you are part of my audience. So the story is for you. If your personal bias and feelings cause you to feel detached from the story, then In the end, perhaps I have made some mistakes. And this is why I asked for feedback. I so rarely get comments on my stories (a plight so many of us on here have) but this is the first time that I've submitted something and the views/votes have been very slow in coming in. I know it's only been a few days, but still, I wondered if there was perhaps an issue. And your feedback is very helpful.