Exercise: haiku pruning

[TheDR4KE]

Haiku is a very short poem style that traditionally has 5/7/5 syllables for each of it's 3 lines in Japanese. In English, with more expressive syllable structures, 17 are actually too many to really capture the simplicity of Japanese. 12 or so would be more like it. Traditional haiku should also be about nature, and have some word indicating a season in them. A more important element to haiku though is the concept of a 'twist', pointing at something deeper in society, nature, etc.

This exercise is about pruning. Write a 5/7/5 haiku, and then cut it down to just the absolute barest essentials... How small can you make it while still having a really insightful poem? Don't worry about season or nature words in this exercise ... just write something small and then make it smaller.

Example:

a sweet butterfly
its' wings are a perfect pink -
its' head is her clit

Pruned:

a butterfly -
perfect pink wings
her clit it's head

And to describe the process: I think about every word. I left in the opening 'a' because it focuses on a specific butterfly, rather than butterflies in general, and makes it more personal. The second line rearranged for simplicity, 'perfect' left in to emphasise the beauty aspect, although a butterfly already implies that. It could have been left out ... but there is also a level of speaking the poem out aloud that has impact. The third line contains the twist.

Thinking about it now as I write about my editing, I find that I could go further still:

butterfly wings
its' head
her clit

I think I like the earlier one better, but as an exercise to cut something down to a bare minimum that works well too.

I'd be interested in your feedback on the value (real or perceived) of this to your work.

Drake

 

[RisiaSkye]

First attempt:
First rays of spring sun
Baby's first solo walking
Birth happens daily

Pared to 12 (ish):
Rays of sunrise
first steps taken
Birth comes daily

What I learned:
Yep, I still stink at writing haiku.

 

[daughter]

I have a few

Drake--

I love haiku, tanka, and I know a little about renga. I written a few pieces. Their not great, but I enjoy writing them for the reasons you mention. Here's mine:

he gave me a rose
pricked him with yesterday's thorns
now i sit alone.



(inspired by ms. giovanni's work)

nikki said if...
taking off the dashiki
makes your nature rise.




(inspired by song by Al Jarreau)

brotha blows sweetly
oh, i wish i were susan
where's the beans and wine


tanka

kisses like raindrops
delicately brush my lids
almond pools reflect
perfumed whispers like soft buds
bouquet of starlight and rays.

 

[perks]

ugh so not my forte, but for you sugah, anything

underneath your tree
lips parted by flicking tongue
tasting white raindrops



tree above
tongue parting lips
for rain

tree
above lips
rains


hmmm.... not sure if the imagery sticks.

perky

 

[daughter]

sensual imagery

perky--

Love the visuals. Now what about the observation? I think Drake talks about the intent of haiku. I've read some. I'm no authority. If I understand it correctly, there is an observation that says something about nature or society without making a judgement.

Hopefully, Drake will speak more on it. I love the form. It isn't easy to say a great deal in so few words. Many fail to realize the skill it takes to write exceptional haiku.

Peace,

daughter

 

[perks]

okay.......

hmmmm.....let's see I used the tree and rain<this is my nature concept...as well as my twist>.....the only thing I think I'm missing is my deeper meaning. Unless of course, you read the joy in the act of catching raindrops on the tip of your tongue.

I'm not sure what you mean daughter, about the judgement statement.

 

[daughter]

Haiku makes no call on a situation. The poet leaves the interpetation to the reader. I'm not all that great with this. An example might be a haiku that comments on how a river swells in a particular season and some life is lost. There's your observation. The writer doesn't say whether that is good or bad.

What I was trying to get from your haiku is the significance of the observation.

Sometimes, I make a read too difficult. I'm really hoping Drake shares more about the form.

Peace,

daughter

 

[perks]

hmmm.

maybe it's because there is an action, a verb involved on my part instead of just observing an object or nature.

I wonder if that is possible....to have an erotic haiku using a verb that is only observation, using nature, a twist and deeper meaning.

haiku itself I think is difficult enough, but I will think on these things.

perky

 

[perks]

oops double post

 

[garyblue]

One of the challenges of the haiku, or for that matter, the sonnet or limerick is the strict form. The challenge to write as few words in three lines as you can and maintain the spirit of haiku might be a new form--the brevis maybe.

Besides the syllabic challenge, the haiku must reference the season and contain two independent images.

For example:

Beauteous pink brick,
Snow on the ground heat it up.
--Lump on the stomach.

OK, I wrote that drivel. For 18,500 more with the same theme, see http://pemtropics.mit.edu/~jcho/spam/archive.html

g

 

[perks]

so I'm not writing haiku at all yet?.....

grrrrrrr......I'm gonna smack the duck for this.

still writing,
perky

 

[garyblue]

Perky-san,

underneath your tree
lips parted by flicking tongue
tasting white raindrops

Almost perfect. Wish I could come up with that kind of imagery. Syllable count is good, and there are two independent images. All that is missing is a reference to a season.

Try this,

underneath your tree
leaves parted by flicking tongue--
tasting Spring raindrops

Gary-sama

 

[perks]

underneath your tree
leaves parted by flicking tongue--
tasting Spring raindrops

OH Gary-sama,

now that is poetry!

not worthy,
perky-san aka grasshoppah

 

[RisiaSkye]

Re: I have a few

(inspired by ms. giovanni's work)

nikki said if...
taking off the dashiki
makes your nature rise.

I was just so happy to see this. nikki giovanni is one of my favorites. "Her Cruising Car" just slays me, every single time I read it. Nice reference, daughter.

RS

 

[TheDR4KE]

more on haiku

Yes, the strict form is a part of haiku difficulty. But there are many different 'rules', which haiku writers tend to choose from. You can't follow all of them, as they contradict

From a general public perspective, the haiku should be recognisable as such. The 5/7/5 is one form that can be used as such. Another technique is to have it on 3 lines and to have the shift, i.e. for the poem to be in 2 parts.

An example of being able to get both is this one by Murakami:

First autumn morning:
the mirror I stare into
shows my father's face.

but there are many examples of shorter haiku that are just as powerful, and many 5/7/5 haiku that just suck ;-) It's the content, not the structure, that make really good haiku. The rules help not so much in recognition of the form, but rather to capture the simplicity and insight, the feel, of haiku.

For a good collection of haiku rules (65 of them), see http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiku.htm#comego For a reverse view, i.e. a list of things that make poems not be haiku, see http://cc.matsuyama-u.ac.jp/~shiki/making.html

The best haiku sites I know of are:
- http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiku.htm and
- http://cc.matsuyama-u.ac.jp/~shiki (with a very active mailing list)
There is a good little 'course' of sorts at http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/Jemrich/HaikuHabit.html and http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/ has examples from the old masters.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

RisiaSkye

First rays of spring sun
Baby's first solo walking
Birth happens daily

Excellent poem I love the message in the observation.

Rays of sunrise
first steps taken
Birth comes daily

The first one was better than the smaller one. The process of cutting back and back is something that usually needs to be revised. You cut back to just the bare words that imply the meaning, but then have to revise them, maybe adding something, to get the 'poetry' back into the poem. For example, you can play with the first line to get it short but still sweet. The two different attempts can be morphed for the second line, and then the initial third line is a great close. Oh, and haiku tends to look better when it's written without capitals (little presentation hint). So one revision of your haiku might be:


spring dawn
baby's first steps -
birth happens daily

What I learned:
Yep, I still stink at writing haiku.

LOL -- it's not about haiku as such, but about what thinking of such short forms does to the rest of your poetry and even just generally. It's a skill like critical reasoning which translates into all other parts of your life when you start to hone it.

Thanks for having a go, and I hope you take something other than self criticism of your haiku away ;-)

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

daughter

Thanks for adding some to the thread. I'd really like to see you revise them down to be smaller to see what you get from the exercise, particularly given that you enjoy haiku already.

he gave me a rose
pricked him with yesterday's thorns
now i sit alone.

This is really lovely I don't think much can be done to shorten it, but it's always worth a try... ;-) I'm not sure I completely get the story of the poem. I'm reading it as you having hurt him with a reminder of something he did in the second line?

his rose
my thorns -
now I sit alone

It's a little different, but still interesting...

(inspired by ms. giovanni's work)

nikki said if...
taking off the dashiki
makes your nature rise.

I didn't know Nikki Giovanni before now reading up on her on the net, and I had to look up what a dashiki is too ;-) We learn every day LOL I'm assuming this is inspired by her poem 'Seduction'? It's a great response, but I think you need to have read that first to really get it

her revolution is
taking off --
his dashiki

Oh, and love the tanka

Drake

 

[garyblue]

haiku rules

I have no doubt there are multiple rule sets for the haiku. Considering the 400 year or so history, it would surprise me if there were not several schools. Originally this hokku was a small introductry verse to a much longer narrative poem. It became popular (ca. 1600) to write the hokku and never finish the larger part. As this became a form in its own right, it was renamed haiku.

Now this part I can't swear to since I don't speak Japanese and I don't know that my source speaks it either. As I hear it, ku means verse, and hai means fun or pleasure. Thus, fun verse. I take this to mean that the haiku was treated as a parlor game, if you will. From what I know of Japanese wordworking, I know that style is critically important to the art. Whichever set of rules you choose to follow, the challenge of style is to follow them strictly.

Regardless of the type of poetry you prefer to read or write, working in some strict style until you at least achieve competency in the form cannot help but make you a better writer.

A photographer friend of mine, for more than six months, carried a simple teaspoon with him for his own self assignment. Each day he was to create one interesting picture of that spoon. His goal was to better "see" the things that would let him create "impact" with a mundane subject. Your self assignment of writing one strict form poem every _____(fill in the time frame) will make you a better writer.

TheDR4KE's challenge is good for this reason. Pick up the gauntlet, answer the call in the spirit of haiku, fun verse.

g

 

[TheDR4KE]

perky

underneath your tree
lips parted by flicking tongue
tasting white raindrops

tree above
tongue parting lips
for rain

tree
above lips
rains

This is an excellent example of the pruning down.

Now what's needed is to fill it out again. Having gotten it down to a few words is great to work out what it is you wanted to focus on. Now get it back up (so to speak ;-) into poetry.

You might want to think about whether you need the lips in it though. His tree, the rain, and catching it with your lips, between your lips, or with your tongue -- you just need one of the last set.

I think what is lost with the 2nd and 3rd is the allusion to fellatio, your twist

And if we're writing erotic haiku (erotiku?) then the season word doesn't necessarily have to be there. But, in fact, rain itself is actually enough to count as such anyway.

under his tree
catching white rain
on my tongue

Well ... I'd go for a walk in the woods with you any day.

But you give it a go -- and the rest of you too Re-writing other's haiku is a big part of the tradition. Just a single word changed can have profound impact on the interpretation, and that can make it decidedly yours.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

garyblue

Yes, writing a poem a day, like your friend with his teaspoon and camera, is the best way of learning. And when we limit ourselves we also push ourselves to outgrow those limits in whatever way we can. And that is a lesson also worth getting ingrained into our very nature.

Thanks for your support,

Drake

 

[daughter]

Re: daughter

Drake--

I'll see what I can do. I'm trying to finish out my quarter at work. No writing till the new year.

Honestly can't remember the title of Ms. G's poem. I have the collection at home. I'll check. To know the cultural reference, especially the poem, accentuates the read.


You summed up the thorn haiku nicely. When I have more time, I look forward to bouncing more ideas and rewrites with you.

Anytime, you need a little education about the black cultural, Drake, just holla. Like what you're contributing to the forum.

Risia--

Glad you liked it. Thrilled to hear you know her work.

Back to the grind. I am so bad today. Gotta chase the dollar.

Peace,

daughter

 

[TheDR4KE]

daughter

I'll see what I can do. I'm trying to finish out my quarter at work. No writing till the new year.

I can understand that. I think most of us will have to wind up now until January. I certainly have on project to finish that is going to take the rest of my time/concentration from now on...

Honestly can't remember the title of Ms. G's poem. I have the collection at home. I'll check. To know the cultural reference, especially the poem, accentuates the read.

The poem by Nikki Giovani I was referring to is:

Seduction

one day
you gonna walk in this house
and i'm gonna have a long African
gown
you'll sit down and say "The Black..."
and i'm gonna take one arm out
then you-not noticing me at all- will say "What about this brother..."
and i'm going to be slipping it over my head
and you'll rap on about "The revolution..."
while i rest your hand against my stomach
you'll go on-as you always do- saying
"I just can't dig..."
while i'm moving your hand up and down
and i'll be taking your dashiki off
then you'll say "What we really need..."
and taking your shorts off
then you'll notice
your state of undress
and knowing you you'll just say
"Nikki/
isn't this counterrevolutionary..."

I love the feel of this poem. Being very auditory in nature, and bi-lingual, I have a certain knack for accents, and reading this poem makes me feel like swaying to the lines, like moving my hands with the thrusts of every 'you', like my mouth is filled with smooth creamy words that flow from the earth. Any recommendations as to which of her many many books are a good place to start?

You summed up the thorn haiku nicely. When I have more time, I look forward to bouncing more ideas and rewrites with you.

Thanks. It's a sign of a great poem when it conveys it's meaning as well as yours did. I think that is part of the fun of Haiku for me (on top of the zen aspect of Haiku that originally, and still, draws me in) that it can form such a nice interaction between people: reworking, responding, or just turning around each other's work.

Anytime, you need a little education about the black cultural, Drake, just holla. Like what you're contributing to the forum.

That's something I can do with a lot of education about I suspect, particularly that I'm German now living in Australia ;-)

Back to the grind. I am so bad today. Gotta chase the dollar.

Ditto.

Thanks for your response and all the best,

Drake

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Winter

Sedate wisps linger flakes
Ice forms mirrors reflect light
Sun joins melted pool



Reduced



flakes
forms mirrors
sun melted

U.P.

 

[perks]

erotiku...<grin>

erotic, 5 7 5, season, zen observation, twist



stiff winter merengue
lucious creamy white-tipped peaks
mother earth goddess

pruned

winter merengue
stiff tipped peaks
creamy earth goddess

 

[TheDR4KE]

unmasked poet

Winter

Sedate wisps linger flakes
Ice forms mirrors reflect light
Sun joins melted pool

I love the imagery, but I think this shows how trying to keep to a syllable count can introduce way too many words, confusing rather than enhancing the poetry of the observation.

I'm not completely sure about what is happening. The story that this tells me is: snow falls, becomes ice and reflects the light, then the sun melts it, it becomes a puddle that mirrors the sky and the sun is reflected (rather than just light) -- that's a lot to catch in a haiku

That last line, however, is just perfect haiku spirit!

flakes
forms mirrors
sun melted

This short form does catch that story, but it doesn't flow for me. Hmm ... flakes is plural and forms refers to a singular object... but that aside ;-)

I think the "mirror", although a great analogy for ice that reflects light, implies too clear a reflection which makes it too similar with the pool at the end. I would look at what else could describe the effect that the ice has as it reflects the light.

sedate flakes
form ice-lights -
sun joins melted pool

A great challenge, and a wonderful image. Thanks for your contribution UP!

Drake