Exercise: haiku growing

[TheDR4KE]

This is the follow up to the haiku pruning exercise (http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=59122) where you were asked to write a 5/7/5 haiku and then prune it down ruthlessly. Non 5/7/5 haiku are also a valid form of that genre of poetry, and that is a useful exercise to distill the real essence of your thought. A very zen thing ;-)

If you prefer 5/7/5 haiku though, that is also an excellent exercise to go through along the way to your best work. Write your 5/7/5 then prune it down ... then grow it back up to 5/7/5 once you've worked out its' heart.

So in this thread I'm going to start by posting the pruned haiku from the other thread and will ask you to rewrite them as 5/7/5 haiku. I'm not going to post the original longer ones, but you can look at them of course. It's better to just move on though.

And don't just look at your own haiku, take any one of these and work it up. That's a big part of haiku tradition too The original intended meaning may not be clear sometimes, and your interpretation may change what was there -- use them as inspiration and show us what you can do with a fairly difficult poetry form.

(Maybe we should try a sestina next ;-)

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

set 1

Rays of sunrise
first steps taken
Birth comes daily


spring dawn
baby's first steps -
birth happens daily


tender skin
little toes
simple pleasures


tender
little
pleasures


simple pleasures -
little toes
wriggling

 

[TheDR4KE]

set 2 - christmas

winter merengue
stiff tipped peaks
creamy earth goddess


What present?
lost in memories...
Candy Cane!


Lovers present?
lost in memories...
Candy Cane!


angel lips
sticky peppermint
sucking curve

 

[TheDR4KE]

set 3 - erotiku

a butterfly -
perfect pink wings
her clit it's head


butterfly wings
its' head
her clit


tree above
tongue parting lips
for rain


tree
above lips
rains


under his tree
catching white rain
on my tongue

 

[TheDR4KE]

set 4

his rose
my thorns -
now I sit alone


her revolution is
taking off --
his dashiki


flakes
forms mirrors
sun melted


sedate flakes
form ice-lights -
sun joins melted pool

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: set 3 - erotiku

And to actually participate:



sitting 'neath his tree
catching the rain on my tongue -
white drops on red lips



Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: set 4

And one more


snow flakes sedate flight
reflected ice chandelier -
sun joins melted pool



Drake

 

[Unmasked Poet]

re: set 1

Okay so what is everyone waiting for?

From set 1:

tender
little
pleasures

Expanded:

Warmth shared tender smile
little moments dawn the day
pleasures spread till dusk




U.P.

 

[perks]

Re: set 1

simple pleasures -
little toes
wriggling

simple life pleasures
little toes wriggling in sand
hiding memories

 

[*ladylove*]

set 4

I'll give it a go



his saccharine rose
sugary thorns craft my tears
now I sit alone

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: re: set 1

Warmth shared tender smile
sacred little moments dawn the day
pleasures spread till dusk


U.P.

Other than that the second line having too many syllables, quite nice ;-) Keeping the minimalist philosophy in mind, even with 5/7/5, I would have to say that moments are generally little anyway. Dump it and you'll be back at 7 ;-)

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Re: set 1

simple life pleasures
little toes wriggling in sand
hiding memories

This is excellent! Really love it.

Drake

 

[justgem]

.

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: set 4

his saccharine rose
sugary thorns craft my tears
now I sit alone

Nice ... it's a different story to the original, but it's very powerful in it's use of the sweet analogy.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: i should've known better!

Tender moist carress
A little catch of his breath
Raining down pleasures

mmm purrrrrr

Nothing else to be said about that I think

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

justgem's haiku collection

Just wanted to point everyone to justgem's profile, where her efforts at haiku writing and then haiku pruning are up -- in two whole collections of haiku.

Great work Gem!

Are we going to see another submission of them having grown again?

Drake

PS I'm glad you didn't post them all here -- I wouldn't get any work done at all reviewing them all. And you know how bad that is

PPS This is a copy of the post from the Haiku Pruning thread

 

[justgem]

.

 

[Jellybeangirl]

I'll give it a go..

his rose
my thorns-
now I sit alone


his rose...giving love
my own thorns draw his blood
now I sit alone

 

[perks]

Re: I'll give it a go..

his rose
my thorns-
now I sit alone


his rose...giving love
my own thorns draw his blood
now I sit alone

jelly,

I loved this one. It talks to me, whispers of a story. It reminds me of parts of my life.

I want you to take out the ...... it works without them, and haiku isn't known for its punctuation.

I'm prone to use ..... alot too....as anyone who has ever read any of my posts can tell you. I think we both should try to keep it out of our writing though.

perks

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Re: I'll give it a go..

jelly,

I loved this one. It talks to me, whispers of a story. It reminds me of parts of my life.

I want you to take out the ...... it works without them, and haiku isn't known for its punctuation.

I'm prone to use ..... alot too....as anyone who has ever read any of my posts can tell you. I think we both should try to keep it out of our writing though.

perks

I agree. Great growth, but drop the dots The main punctuation used is the "-" between the segments that indicate some twist.

Next week I'll go a bit more into how to develop the growth, keeping lines focused, strengthening through the extra syllables to work with, etc.

Drake