everyone feels incomplete.what do you think?

[poisonedLust]

Fix my world for me, make it so that I can breath
fill me with emotion,please make me complete
I dread the days waking up to a routine
my mind is going places where it shoudn't be and it's so close to normal that it scares me
there has to be more to this,there has to be some peace
will I live forever incomplete?

 

[butters]

welcome to Lit and our Poetry forums

thanks for sharing your poem with us - that can be pretty daunting to those not used to sharing what they write!

i think you've instilled the piece with that certain angst most of us have experienced at one time or another in our lives, but would suggest you now work on refining how you say it; paying close attention to typos and punctuation (if you intend to use it) is always beneficial.

you don't necessarily need to tie yourself down by making each line rhyme (though, again, if that's how you want to play it, it's your write, right?) - that can impose strict limitations as to where you can take a piece, creating obstacles that get in the way of what you really want to get down on the page.

enjoy your time here, poisonedLust, and feel free to speak your mind and join in on any threads. people here will offer you all manner of opinions - you don't need to agree with them, but there are some seasoned, excellent poets here whose thoughts just might help you if you give them some consideration.

 

[miaction69]

that's a touching piece of poetry i like it

 

[nerk]

I really like this.
The existential ennui of the subject matter is like poetic comfort food, and (being the snob that I am) ordinarily I'd have moved on already. There is a cheerfulness to this poem, though, that really caught my attention.
I think rhyming every line on a hard E, which pretty well forces you to smile when you say it, in combination with the sing-songy rhythm, gives the gloom a delicious, tongue-in-cheek note. It's sort of like a Weezer song, a wonderfully upbeat spin on the old familiar angst.
There are a couple spots where it needs a little spit-and-polish to really make it shine, but over all, I really enjoyed this.
Bravo!

 

[butters]

it never fails to amaze me how people see things so differently from one another.

the nature of the beast, i suppose!

 

[poisonedLust]

thank you all for your feedback.I wanted to make this one a rhyme because I wanted to emphasize the whole point of the poem, which is obviously routine in my life.well thats how I felt at the moment,anyways..

 

[Angeline]

thank you all for your feedback.I wanted to make this one a rhyme because I wanted to emphasize the whole point of the poem, which is obviously routine in my life.well thats how I felt at the moment,anyways..

That's as good a reason as any to write a poem. Now write some more.

Everything is always incomplete. Life is incomplete. One can take the point of view that incompleteness is an exciting adventure because life is all about change--and there's always some turn in the road just ahead. And that could be another poem.

Don't mind my loony raving. I tend to do that here.

 

[corndog_]

That's as good a reason as any to write a poem. Now write some more.

Everything is always incomplete. Life is incomplete. One can take the point of view that incompleteness is an exciting adventure because life is all about change--and there's always some turn in the road just ahead. And that could be another poem.

Don't mind my loony raving. I tend to do that here.

Wasn't "Raving Loon" the spirit name bestowed upon you by the Mi’kmaq tribe?

 

[Angeline]

Wasn't "Raving Loon" the spirit name bestowed upon you by the Mi’kmaq tribe?

Yes. Also Dances with Sestinas.