Ever write a story which really disturbed you?

[SimonBrooke]

I hope this is a reasonably common experience...

I've been playing with two interesting characters just to see how their relationship would develop. The first story I wrote about them was sufficiently interesting that I started on a sequel, and I've got to the point where I'm looking at it and I'm just appalled that my brain can come up with this sort of stuff.

Basically, I've set up a female protagonist who has a fair bit of experience of BDSM (sub) and has it as part of her basic identity that she's tough and can handle anything sexually and isn't afraid to push the limits; and a male protagonist who is genuinely loving and actually quite gentle but geeky and a bit limited in sensitivity and interpersonal skills. He has very little sexual experience of any kind and certainly none of dark sex. Both of them are sympathetic characters - I like them and I'm trying to present them to the reader so that the reader likes them.

I've had him seek to push her limits believing that this is what she wants, saying 'agree to a safeword and I'll stop' , and not recognising that for her agreeing to a safeword is a major psychological defeat. The result is the most awful train-wreck of a story; it's not finished yet (and I don't know whether I have the guts to finish it) but it promises to be quite powerful and compelling. And horribly dark. In my sketch plan for the story they managed to resolve their relationship and bring it to a happy ending but the way it's developing that just doesn't look realistic.

What do you do with a story like this? Do you abandon it? Do you you tone it down? Do you follow it through to the conclusion that the interaction between the characters seems to demand?

And when you've finished it, do you publish it under your own name (or your usual nom-de-plume, which pretty much amounts to the same thing), or anonymously, or keep it secreted away, or just delete it off your hard drive as quick as you can?

 

[Aurora Black]

Welcome to the AH.

I would feel obligated to see where the story goes (continuing writing with the same intensity) and then put it out when I'm done, because whether you like it or not, the story is a part of you that needs to be expressed. As for the darkness factor and releasing it into the world at large... well. It's better off out there than it is festering in your gut.

 

[Darkniciad]

Trust your characters, write the story.

Whether you publish it in the end is up to you, but *write it* and don't try to modify it until it's done.

After it is finished, then you might decide to release a toned down version, but let your characters run loose the first time through.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

yes, actually. i surprised myself by writing an incest story that took place between a woman and her niece. i really freaked myself out at first and avoided the whole thing, but eventually i pushed myself to finish. let the characters run their course. if it's in your system then put it down on paper. now all i have to do is copy it to the computer and submit it to lit....

 

[CharleyH]

I hope this is a reasonably common experience...

I've been playing with two interesting characters just to see how their relationship would develop. The first story I wrote about them was sufficiently interesting that I started on a sequel, and I've got to the point where I'm looking at it and I'm just appalled that my brain can come up with this sort of stuff.

Basically, I've set up a female protagonist who has a fair bit of experience of BDSM (sub) and has it as part of her basic identity that she's tough and can handle anything sexually and isn't afraid to push the limits; and a male protagonist who is genuinely loving and actually quite gentle but geeky and a bit limited in sensitivity and interpersonal skills. He has very little sexual experience of any kind and certainly none of dark sex. Both of them are sympathetic characters - I like them and I'm trying to present them to the reader so that the reader likes them.

I've had him seek to push her limits believing that this is what she wants, saying 'agree to a safeword and I'll stop' , and not recognising that for her agreeing to a safeword is a major psychological defeat. The result is the most awful train-wreck of a story; it's not finished yet (and I don't know whether I have the guts to finish it) but it promises to be quite powerful and compelling. And horribly dark. In my sketch plan for the story they managed to resolve their relationship and bring it to a happy ending but the way it's developing that just doesn't look realistic.

What do you do with a story like this? Do you abandon it? Do you you tone it down? Do you follow it through to the conclusion that the interaction between the characters seems to demand?

And when you've finished it, do you publish it under your own name (or your usual nom-de-plume, which pretty much amounts to the same thing), or anonymously, or keep it secreted away, or just delete it off your hard drive as quick as you can?

I think your story theme is not reality based.

 

[SeaCat]

Have I ever written a story that disturbed me?

Yes I have. I once wrote a rape story from both points of view. I drew on my experiences with victims as well as a ton of research. I still have it, and every now and then I revise, rewrite it.

Will I ever post it? Probably not. It doesn't fit in with the noncon here. (It does not have a happy ending.)

Cat

 

[cawastedyouth]

Yes I have..

I had some vauge idea of a historical fiction story. And while I was falling asleep, I heard my character scream to me in pain. I got up and I wrote some of the most frightening abuse scenes: they scared my friends who had survived abuse on many levels.

But I was able to balance those horrors. I knew if my character was strong enough to call to me and let me know what was happening, she was strong enough to survive and find some sort of happiness. I found that for her too.

I did not post that story here, I have no intention on doing so. Some images are too strong, even for me, to share.

 

[yevkassem72]

Not that I care too much about politics these days, as I'm increasingly leaning toward anarchism, but I have written the prologue to a story that describes an anti-feminist backlash. It is rather disturbing, since it presents a dystopia where the world moves to the other extreme of a misogynistic regime. Personally, my real point is to suggest that government itself is inherently flawed and will inevitably oppress someone, male or female, black or white, Gentile or Jew.

 

[Kev H]

This is a complex question, so I hope you like AHers' complex answers. I normally just browse and don't respond unless compelled to do so, but this topic is very fresh in my head as well.

One of my new stories, This Will Hurt, began with an explosion of creativity. I was excited about the characters and the challenge of making the intense interaction believable. I had not worked on the short for more than a few hours when I realized something shocking was going to happen at the end. Not shocking to the hardened reader, perhaps; they weren't dredging this from their own mind. But it was revolting to me. I told my editor it was like "vile mental gas."

Anyway, I clamped down on this story and waited. I messed around for nearly six months to hold the lid on this piece, and my Muse would not let me. I finally understood that writing a bad story did not make me a bad person, and that my creativity needed to explore its dark side. Once I commited emotionally, it was easy to finish (though I drew out the editing process, which probably annoyed my editor). And it actually felt like a huge relief to post and show it. This may sound odd to anyone who has not been through this process, but it was liberating in a way.

This was a pretty clear case, in my head, but I have also deal with others who struggle with their plots, and so far their reaction has been nearly identical to mine--once they commit emotionally to getting it out, they are glad they did. They are not worse people; they are better writers.

The answers to your last questions all begin with "well, that depends..." It depends on how you feel about the finished product, if the merit or technical make-up of the piece outweights the reservations. Or if the gut feeling as you think it through carefully dictates your actions. No one can really make you happy about the decision unless it comes from you (once the piece is completely polished, ie, given a fair chance to see the light of day).

Happy writing.

 

[cantdog]

This is a complex question, so I hope you like AHers' complex answers. I normally just browse and don't respond unless compelled to do so, but this topic is very fresh in my head as well.

One of my new stories, This Will Hurt, began with an explosion of creativity. I was excited about the characters and the challenge of making the intense interaction believable. I had not worked on the short for more than a few hours when I realized something shocking was going to happen at the end. Not shocking to the hardened reader, perhaps; they weren't dredging this from their own mind. But it was revolting to me. I told my editor it was like "vile mental gas."

Anyway, I clamped down on this story and waited. I messed around for nearly six months to hold the lid on this piece, and my Muse would not let me. I finally understood that writing a bad story did not make me a bad person, and that my creativity needed to explore its dark side. Once I commited emotionally, it was easy to finish (though I drew out the editing process, which probably annoyed my editor). And it actually felt like a huge relief to post and show it. This may sound odd to anyone who has not been through this process, but it was liberating in a way.

This was a pretty clear case, in my head, but I have also deal with others who struggle with their plots, and so far their reaction has been nearly identical to mine--once they commit emotionally to getting it out, they are glad they did. They are not worse people; they are better writers.

The answers to your last questions all begin with "well, that depends..." It depends on how you feel about the finished product, if the merit or technical make-up of the piece outweights the reservations. Or if the gut feeling as you think it through carefully dictates your actions. No one can really make you happy about the decision unless it comes from you (once the piece is completely polished, ie, given a fair chance to see the light of day).

Happy writing.

Great post.

 

[neonflux]

Two different questions here:

1. Have I ever worked on a story that I found disturbing? Yes, am working on a screenplay that looks at rape, ethnic stereotypes, racial oppression, etc. (sexually graphic but not meant as erotica), one which I am terrified to both explore and put my name to for many reasons...

2. What would I do with a story like this? I would let it come from the characters (not necessarily have plot into which I want to twist them), and let them take me where they want to go (somewhat along the lines of what a couple of others have suggested). I would let them run wild and not necessarily force them into a "happy" ending. I would put it down for a while, reread it, rewrite it, and then begin asking for feedback, continue in this process until I was satisfied. Once that happened, I would probably seek to get it published under my own name...

But that's just me.

What do you really want to do?

This is a great question!

Neon

I hope this is a reasonably common experience...

I've been playing with two interesting characters just to see how their relationship would develop. The first story I wrote about them was sufficiently interesting that I started on a sequel, and I've got to the point where I'm looking at it and I'm just appalled that my brain can come up with this sort of stuff.

Basically, I've set up a female protagonist who has a fair bit of experience of BDSM (sub) and has it as part of her basic identity that she's tough and can handle anything sexually and isn't afraid to push the limits; and a male protagonist who is genuinely loving and actually quite gentle but geeky and a bit limited in sensitivity and interpersonal skills. He has very little sexual experience of any kind and certainly none of dark sex. Both of them are sympathetic characters - I like them and I'm trying to present them to the reader so that the reader likes them.

I've had him seek to push her limits believing that this is what she wants, saying 'agree to a safeword and I'll stop' , and not recognising that for her agreeing to a safeword is a major psychological defeat. The result is the most awful train-wreck of a story; it's not finished yet (and I don't know whether I have the guts to finish it) but it promises to be quite powerful and compelling. And horribly dark. In my sketch plan for the story they managed to resolve their relationship and bring it to a happy ending but the way it's developing that just doesn't look realistic.

What do you do with a story like this? Do you abandon it? Do you you tone it down? Do you follow it through to the conclusion that the interaction between the characters seems to demand?

And when you've finished it, do you publish it under your own name (or your usual nom-de-plume, which pretty much amounts to the same thing), or anonymously, or keep it secreted away, or just delete it off your hard drive as quick as you can?

 

[scheherazade_79]

All of my stories disturb me... I thought I was a good girl

 

[SimonBrooke]

Thanks all...

Well, that's pretty much unanimous, and it's what I think, too. You have to let the story go where the characters take you. Like Kev H, I'm still feeling a bit nauseated...

NeonFlux (and SeaCat), I think there is an issue about writing that is 'sexually graphic but not meant as erotica'. That sentence actually describes most of what I write. It's exploring sexual relationships and, significantly, power in sexual relationships. But I don't usually write to tittillate - I can, and I can enjoy it, but I don't usually. It seems that perhaps writing about sex which is not sexy is the last big taboo area (or at least is another taboo area, separate from Literotica).

Despite the popularity of the 'non consent' sub-genre, rape is inherently non-sexy, and realistic rape stories pretty much inevitably don't have a happy ending. People - and not just the victim - get very damaged. But stories which explore this issue are very difficult to find an audience for, which seems to me a shame because it seems to me this is an area which, as a society, we need to face and explore.

So, probably, Literotica isn't the right place to post this sort of thing, but I can't think of a better.

I have a final problem which is that so far I've always made a point of just using my own name, and that has felt to me important. I've had crises of conscience about this before, which I've blogged about here:
http://www.jasmine.org.uk/dogfood/story/article_28.html

I know that if post this one under my own name and people I have to work with were to come across it, it could be very difficult...

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

 

[Guest]

To answer: Yes, I have written a story that disturbed me. In fact, I have yet to finish it.

I was planning on submitting it for the Halloween contest, but I am not going to finish it in time. As you can guess, it is Erotic Horror, with a very strong emphasis on both. I'll probably have to create my own topic to get information on that story.

 

[rockersex]

I don't normally write erotica. I normally write thrillers. My books are sometimes beyond graphic. I have pretty extreme violence and deprivation in my stories. It does disturb me. It disturbs the people who read it.

I once wrote a short story that gave me nightmares. I finished it and put it away. A year has passed and I took it out to give in a once-over. It's not a bad story, just very disturbing. I tried editing it but I only got halfway through because I was in a psychological place I did not want to be. When I write violence, I go to a place I don't like.

 

[jeanne_d_artois]

Several of my stories are weird and twisted, especially at this time of year.

There are some stories that are unlikely to be posted because although they HAD to be written, whether they should be shared is another question.

Donna is a story that wrote itself...

Og signed in as jeanne_d_artois - That's weird by itself.

PS. Welcome to all the AH newbies in this thread.

 

[AchtungNight]

I too have written stories that have disturbed me. In some cases, they have needed to disturb me in a certain way and my mind has been changed and emotions settled due to getting them out. Sometimes writing about the things that stress you can make you a more tolerant understanding person. Venting prevents explosion, as they say. Of course, if a story becomes too disturbing and unsettling for you to comfortably publish (and I've had a number of tales like that), I agree that it should not be published. I do think it should be at least outlined, discussed, perhaps written, and then wiped from your hard drive, though, if only to get the issues surrounding its creation settled and out of your head.

 

[candescence]

I have written stories that should have disturbed me more than they did I guess. I know my style and my tastes, and know that of course I tend to like the darker side of things, but some stuff I have written surprises me still.

Most of these I have not posted anywhere, though I have hinted at them in some of the fan fiction I have posted. I figure you just have to let the characters develop themselves, and if they take you down a dark road, well then they would know best wouldn't they? LOL!

I think we all have that inside of us, that ability to say and think and write things that maybe we would rather not admit to. Some of the best writers, both published and non that I can think of have that ability.

 

[Kev H]

Despite the popularity of the 'non consent' sub-genre, rape is inherently non-sexy, and realistic rape stories pretty much inevitably don't have a happy ending. People - and not just the victim - get very damaged. But stories which explore this issue are very difficult to find an audience for, which seems to me a shame because it seems to me this is an area which, as a society, we need to face and explore.

We do face and explore it...with psychiatrists/psychologists, not writers. Perhaps this is a dangerous place to explore without a consistently positive mentality. *shrugs* I can certainly see writers making recoveries/reasonings/rationalizations more commonplace, but not too sure how much benefit we can be to our society (as you imply we should do) by exploring the darker side (ie, aggressor gratification or justification).

 

[NoJo]

Not that I care too much about politics these days, as I'm increasingly leaning toward anarchism, but I have written the prologue to a story that describes an anti-feminist backlash. It is rather disturbing, since it presents a dystopia where the world moves to the other extreme of a misogynistic regime. Personally, my real point is to suggest that government itself is inherently flawed and will inevitably oppress someone, male or female, black or white, Gentile or Jew.

Don't forget that many readers will also be expecting a wank

 

[sexwhiledrving]

What do you do with a story like this? Do you abandon it? Do you you tone it down? Do you follow it through to the conclusion that the interaction between the characters seems to demand?

And when you've finished it, do you publish it under your own name (or your usual nom-de-plume, which pretty much amounts to the same thing), or anonymously, or keep it secreted away, or just delete it off your hard drive as quick as you can?

Yes my stories disturb me, they come from dark fantasies I've entertained for years. I've definitely done the last thing you mentioned, written stories and then deleted them off my hard drive or submitted stories to be published and then wished that they would be rejected. Which has happened several times. Recently I've had two published and have had a dual reaction of excitement and regret.

 

[Guest]

" Ever write a story which really disturbed you? "

No, but I wrote a poem, Femme à La Carte I thought was rather morbid (sick). And so did Bare Bone and is publishing my poem in print, Book #10 (spring/summer 07). I say roll with it. You can make money on your writing if you take less traveled roads.

 

[Munachi]

trying to think... no, not really. i wrote stories that scared me a bit (like my halloween story, i heard weird sounds in the house then), but nothing that really disturbed me... though it sometimes amuses me to see what my mind can come up with... then again, i haven't written any violent stories, i think (well except for one maybe). what does disturb me sometimes are my fantasies - but i don't write those down...

 

[MyEros333]

(Deep Sigh) I think a lot of people write a story or two that freaks them out...

Hi there, this is Rich just chiming in.

Before I write about my own experience, I'll answer your original questions. I think that yes you should continue it to see it through and see where it goes. Writing can be stream-of-consciousness but it can also be a release for something or even writing something out is a way to drain the venom. For any person who's written dark poetry, they know it often drains the venom (be it hurt, lonliness, despair, frustration, anger...hey pick a dark emotion). Depending on just how deep the rabbithole goes, you may want to release it under a different penname just to see what people think of it. If you do release it under your own, then write a hefty-sized Forward with your personal notes distancing it from your other writings.

As for myself...

Yeah. I wrote one story that I keep hidden on my author FTP server but have never made a link to it. I made the mistake of showing it to someone just after I'd finished it in order to get another author's opinion of it and BLAM BLAM got both barrels of the shotgun.

It's actually the best & most indepth erotica story that I've ever written. The characters you can almost feel their frustration, upset, and the death & rebirth of their feelings. It was the first time I wrote a plotline that goes for more than a screenful of story without anything sexual. Character development... everything... a writer's wetdream of a story.

But the problem was the theme...the catalyst. (Sigh)

All of my other stories have either myself in them or else my traits in them...but this one was rather taboo so it doesn't have me in it, nor is it ever a situation I'd find myself in because I'd never become like the husband in the first place.

I feel ashamed even typing what it was about because I know people feel quite strongly about the topic.

It's about reconcilliation, female empowerment, rekindling, learning to respect & appreciate all over again (from less than zero), and learning to talk about things instead of saying nothing while living day-to-day. That's just a small part of it. The ugly part of it is that it starts with the wife looking in the mirror at a black eye...and she's torn because the first few years of their marriage (they're in their mid-40's I think...I can't recall without reading it) things had been rocky...it mentioned that they'd been married 12 years but that things had been smooth & loving for the past several years. So she's torn between the strike bringing back the bad memories of the last time it happened, and with the caring memories from the past several years since then. The story is written from her point of view as the main character. So it's mostly about Alice and Frank doesn't come in until deeper into setting up the background and her having a very anguished day feeling like she's nothing...then finally he comes home and he feels completely torn up about what he did but now she's calling the shots unless he wants to disappear. So there's a slim ray of hope, and they rediscover each other as they work through all of their issues.

Now I know in real life this is tragic...and the critic I showed it to pretty much treated me like I was a real piece of shit for even writing such a story even though it was meant to be a "ray of hope" story. Dang...I only chose the topic in the first place because someone said I needed a more dramatic story since all of my other ones are sensual fantasies. Woof.

So that's why I buried the story and never published it after that. The critic admitted that she worked at a woman's shelter so ummm well that's why I got it with both barrels...and I understand that. Still, it's written so well that I didn't have the heart to delete it (plus it's several times longer than my other stories).

AGH! Sometimes inspiration is rather misdirected. (Blush)

Sorry for ranting,
Rich

 

[rydia57]

Yup...


I have written, or tried to write a story that disturbed me. One on incest too. It seemed no matter how far apart I put the main characters, a guy and his aunt... it wasn't comfortable for me writing about it. I still have the story on my computer and in one of my notebooks, just in case I find that comfort zone. It also could be cos it wasn't anything I'd fantasized about someone asked me, and I took the challenge. Wish you luck on yours tho Oh, welcome to Lit!