Ever had a stinker?

[Liar]

I wrote this just now. A sappy verse, but I kind of like it.

Except the last line. I hate it. It sucks balls, and destroys the whole poem. And I can't seem to find anything else to replace it with.


it's fire pink, pearly and ocean sky blue
soft cotton on porcelain shimmer
the breath of a sunrise turned virgin anew
your gaze an horizonal skimmer

a morning again turns a calendar page
a flicker mere ticker in time
as stars everlasting turns weary with age
so closer another can climb

now shifting in leaves so redundant to reach
a sparkle, a sparrow, a spell
the truth soaring sings from it's unfolding wings
the tale of the twilight that fell

an infant in time in the cycle of all
but just on this one mayfly fate
a million more knees will meet rock as we fall
to the power of love and of hate

(didn't keep the rhyme scheme 100% either, but that's a minor issue)

Ever had one of those? A poem that you dig, except for that one fugly little infection? If you do, this is the place to share'em.

Don't be shy, folks.

#L

 

[WickedEve]

It's actually a pretty good poem. I don't think you're capable of a genuine stinker. I've been writing a lot of poems recently, but they're all kind of smelly, and I'm just not going to share them!

 

[Guest]

I just wrote a really pongy one in liar's Unibomber thread. I need a shower now.

 

[LilDarlin]

~Stinker~

Liar,

I think we all have had those days, and those poems.. I recently had to just bombbb out on Lit. I am fairly new at all this but it was awful..

Hoping, and knowing yours will go better than mine, lol.. Such talent.. No I'm not a suck up,,lol.. Just do like your poems.. The one above, well its great.. might try using ***The love of our mates ** or somthing similiar, I am no expert. Thanks for letting me ramble..

 

[Liar]

It's actually a pretty good poem. I don't think you're capable of a genuine stinker. I've been writing a lot of poems recently, but they're all kind of smelly, and I'm just not going to share them!

Chicken.

 

[Guest]

Egg.

 

[LilDarlin]

~Stinker I have a plenty~

Had to give this thread a lil bump..

Why you ask..
Well I have a few that I just can not finish.
I am gettin so stuck on the last lines.
If it's not the last line,
then it's that one right smack dab in the middle..
ggrrrrrr..
So I had to vent a lil..

I know there are a few of you out there
having the same problem.
So I thought,
bump this one an see what happens..



LilDarlin~

 

[sack]

a suggestion...

How about using "our fate" instead of "of hate". Works for me!



Sack

 

[sack]

an addendum....

and then, to avoid the double rhyme fate, you could use "Mayfly mate"

Sack