Eureka! (happened right now, 12th Nov, 02 9 AM)

[Zhuk]

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[HomerPindar]

Re: Eureka! (happened right now 12th Nov 02, 9 AM)

It is my office and I am hard at work.
Complex equations circulate in my head
seeking solutions to pressure problems.
Overloaded nerves fail to react in time
and hot Darjeeling tea spills in my lap.

Fully clothed I jump out of the chair
and run about screaming with joy,
"Chai, chai, chai,
I have discovered the cure for viagra!"

LOL, funny... and oddly, I used that same word (Eureka) just earlier tonite for the first time in years.

But, I feel I'd be remiss not to touch on a few points.

The first line is a little awkward, would - perhaps - the word "in" in there work better? Overloaded, fits with the idea of caffine...only isn't darjeeling tea for calming? (I don't know tea's well at all mind you, so if I'm off on that one, skip it) Perhaps something along the lines of being overworked, or some other stress reference?

Liked it

HomerPindar

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Re: Eureka! (happened right now 12th Nov 02, 9 AM)

HomerPindar

Thank you, it was instant inspiration!

I have changed the first line, agree with you there, hope this one is better. Regarding hot tea, it is a stimulant, same as coffee and has caffine too.

LOL, funny... and oddly, I used that same word (Eureka) just earlier tonite for the first time in years.

But, I feel I'd be remiss not to touch on a few points.

The first line is a little awkward, would - perhaps - the word "in" in there work better? Overloaded, fits with the idea of caffine...only isn't darjeeling tea for calming? (I don't know tea's well at all mind you, so if I'm off on that one, skip it) Perhaps something along the lines of being overworked, or some other stress reference?

Liked it

HomerPindar

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Eureka! (happened right now 12th Nov 02, 9 AM)

Taxing time in office, I am hard at work.
Complex equations accumulate in head,
seeking solutions to pressure problems.

Overloaded nerves suddenly snap
and steaming tea spills in my lap.

Fully clothed I leap out of the seat,
to run about screaming with joy,
"Chai, chai, hot Darjeeling chai -
Cure for viagra has stumbled upon me!"

Are you normally naked in the office? I think I missed that point in the last version...

You shifted the pacing, it might be the change in the stanza's, I'm not sure. The rhyme does work, helping to complete that "snap" and suddeness, but the shift in the pacing I feel detracts from the punch at the end. Course, I also know the poem from before, so that might work against my review on this point.

HomerPindar

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Re: Eureka! (happened right now 12th Nov 02, 9 AM)

HomerPindar,

Thank you for a fresh review.

I dont work, neither do I have a office, therefore unfortunately no chance to be naked in one Fully clothed is deliberate as a contrast to Archemedis running out of his bath tub naked. I might be a genius but am not a 'mad' genius!

I shifted the pacing to speed up the act of tea spilling on me. Yes you read the earlier version, and now I am as confused as you! We need a third opinion?

Zhuk

Are you normally naked in the office? I think I missed that point in the last version...

You shifted the pacing, it might be the change in the stanza's, I'm not sure. The rhyme does work, helping to complete that "snap" and suddeness, but the shift in the pacing I feel detracts from the punch at the end. Course, I also know the poem from before, so that might work against my review on this point.

HomerPindar