spamdeterre
Virgin
- Joined
- May 29, 2007
- Posts
- 1
So I pretty much created this profile to ask for guidance on the following question. Thanks for your understanding!
Here's the situation. It will take a bit to get to the ethics query.
My partner (we'll call her Jane) and I have been together for about 5 1/2 years, and married for 3. Without getting insanely detailed, over the course of the last four years she and I gradually found our relationship with a close female friend ('April') becoming more intimate. April and I had dated briefly in high school, although we lived 2000 miles apart. April ended up at the same college as I, we tried dating again, the relationship again didn't work, April introduced me to the woman who would become my wife, April came out of the closet as a lesbian (this is why it didn't work between us, who knew?), Jane and I started dating, April and Jane became roommates, we all figured out how to be friends, and very, very slowly the relation among the three of us evolved, especially in the years following graduation. Whew.
As the years went by, Jane and I discovered that she was unquestionably bi. (And she tends to be more attracted to men who are a bit femme.) My wife really loves women! I'm not objecting.
As a side note, I've always taken GLBT rights issues extremely seriously, from my membership in my college's GLBT group to more recent political advocacy to defeat anti-gay legislation. So I could well be hypersensitive to any choices or behaviors on my part which might be construed as disrespectly, uneducated, or hypocritical.
Here's where the ethics concern comes in: My wife is currently back east visting April. They've had a great week! They also made the comment during a phone call a couple days that without me around to incite them, they haven't been as wild and crazy with each other. Strangely enough, that offhand remark really shook me up. They still clearly love each other deeply, but it made me wonder if there was a degree to whcih I may have unconsciously pushed or manipulated them over the years into behaviors that they wouldn't have otherwise engaged in.
I'm a big believer in personal choice and complete, honest communication. It's that communication and trust that forms the basis of our marriage. I also think it's hot as hell to know that my wife is getting intimate with another woman, or (I really like this one!) for me and another woman to work our asses off simultaneously to please my wife, who has a nearly infinite capacity for pleasure.
So, finally, the question - is it possible that I may have unconsciously pushed Jane and April farther than they wanted to go with each other? Or should I attribute their comment to an honest dynamic that varies according to who's in bed at the time? It may just be that they feel more comfortable letting go when they know I'm around. (They can go all night; I've never been able to stay conscious past about 2 AM.) Of course I'll talk about all of this with 'Jane' when she gets back home, too, but I felt that an unbiased opinion at this stage couldn't hurt. But if I have put libido before step-by-step consent, then I should recognize and address the issue.
Thoughts?
Here's the situation. It will take a bit to get to the ethics query.
My partner (we'll call her Jane) and I have been together for about 5 1/2 years, and married for 3. Without getting insanely detailed, over the course of the last four years she and I gradually found our relationship with a close female friend ('April') becoming more intimate. April and I had dated briefly in high school, although we lived 2000 miles apart. April ended up at the same college as I, we tried dating again, the relationship again didn't work, April introduced me to the woman who would become my wife, April came out of the closet as a lesbian (this is why it didn't work between us, who knew?), Jane and I started dating, April and Jane became roommates, we all figured out how to be friends, and very, very slowly the relation among the three of us evolved, especially in the years following graduation. Whew.
As the years went by, Jane and I discovered that she was unquestionably bi. (And she tends to be more attracted to men who are a bit femme.) My wife really loves women! I'm not objecting.
As a side note, I've always taken GLBT rights issues extremely seriously, from my membership in my college's GLBT group to more recent political advocacy to defeat anti-gay legislation. So I could well be hypersensitive to any choices or behaviors on my part which might be construed as disrespectly, uneducated, or hypocritical.
Here's where the ethics concern comes in: My wife is currently back east visting April. They've had a great week! They also made the comment during a phone call a couple days that without me around to incite them, they haven't been as wild and crazy with each other. Strangely enough, that offhand remark really shook me up. They still clearly love each other deeply, but it made me wonder if there was a degree to whcih I may have unconsciously pushed or manipulated them over the years into behaviors that they wouldn't have otherwise engaged in.
I'm a big believer in personal choice and complete, honest communication. It's that communication and trust that forms the basis of our marriage. I also think it's hot as hell to know that my wife is getting intimate with another woman, or (I really like this one!) for me and another woman to work our asses off simultaneously to please my wife, who has a nearly infinite capacity for pleasure.
So, finally, the question - is it possible that I may have unconsciously pushed Jane and April farther than they wanted to go with each other? Or should I attribute their comment to an honest dynamic that varies according to who's in bed at the time? It may just be that they feel more comfortable letting go when they know I'm around. (They can go all night; I've never been able to stay conscious past about 2 AM.) Of course I'll talk about all of this with 'Jane' when she gets back home, too, but I felt that an unbiased opinion at this stage couldn't hurt. But if I have put libido before step-by-step consent, then I should recognize and address the issue.
Thoughts?
