Erotic Transformation

[Erosrising76]

[Material prohibited as per forum guidelines. Do not post stories in the feedback forum]

 

[Erosrising76]

This is one of my favorite pieces I have written so far. Tried my best writing from a female perspective. That's mainly what I need feedback with. It's only about half of the story too... There's more

 

[EquinoxRising]

It's also 896 words long. That's long enough to submit to the site, as is, as a story submission. It is also too long to be a "snipet" requesting feedback.

 

[ElectricBlue]

You are getting around the posting rules for this site. Expect a Mod to come along and take it down.

Other than that, what is it saying? All I took away from it was anger and jealousy towards other women - an odd "female perspective" to take on, I would have thought.

 

[Bramblethorn]

This is one of my favorite pieces I have written so far. Tried my best writing from a female perspective. That's mainly what I need feedback with. It's only about half of the story too... There's more

To me it doesn't feel like a woman telling her story. It's very "male gaze"-y. Passages like this:

I moved my hand up my crimson nightgown, massaging my free, braless breasts, lightly pinching my hardening nipples. They were good sized D’s that were nice and perky, and that I admit that I love to tease desperate guys with...

It feels more like a guy sitting behind her eyes ogling her than a woman talking about herself. If you're aiming for a male readership that may not be a problem, but this may be less of a hit with female readers.

 

[Erosrising76]

Thanks

Thanks for the feedback. I guess I'm gonna have to spend some reading the posting rules a little more.

Looks like my fears are true. I really wanna bring in a female audience. I'll keep working on it.