Erotic Horror

[Dingus Guy]

I don't usually beg for feedback, but I had a few people ask me to continue a story I didn't think of continuing when I wrote it. I have not received hardly any feedback on it, so not sure if I should bother.

It is an erotic horror story and if you like that genre and have the free time I would appreciate your comments. It is called "The Ith" and is in my story link at the bottom of the page. Thank you!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It didn’t quite work either as horror or as erotica for me. It didn’t work as horror because there’s way to much telling and not enough showing. In fact, the whole story seems to be a matter of telling us what happened, and we never quite get into the scene where the woman’s getting raped, so we never really get pulled into the story to the point where we’d feel her fear and arousal.

It’s not very arousing partially for the same reason, but also because there’s just nothing very arousing about rape. In most effective erotic stories with a horror theme, I think there has to be some morbid attraction between the monster and the victim. Here we just have a rape by a vile creature, without rhyme or reason.

There’s a lot of mechanical problems in this story as well: spelling and word choice. I usually don’t mention these, but here it was very noticeable. The most glaring is the fact that there’s a “Prologue” at the end of the story. By definition, a prologue comes before a story. An epilogue comes afterwards.

Here’s an excerpt:

The lovely red and white patterned dress was ripped from her body without a scratch of her skin. Her complete fear left her at the creature's mercy. The thing was too strong for her and the four arms held her at bay. Her bra and panties were ripped and thrown to the grass. She was left naked to the whole world to see, except no one was here in this secluded area, except for this hideous animal. At 5' 3" tall and 111 pounds, she had a very skinny frame along with 36-c breasts that did not seem to sag one bit. Her legs were sleek and smooth and at the moment being pulled apart by the lower arms.

First sentence is passive voice: not a capital crime, but “…scratch of her skin.” only compounds the awkwardness. Shouldn’t it be “…scatch to her skin.”? “Holding [someone] at bay” usually means to ward someone off, to keep them from attacking you, which isn’t quite right here. “She was left naked to the whole world to see, except no one was here…” is kind of a strange thing to say, and then we have the old business about the physical measurements, as if the monster had a tape measure, a scale, and a way of determining cup size as he’s ravishing her. And then to stop in the middle of this violent carnage to tell us that her breasts “did not seem to sag one bit” gave me a kind of comical picture of the Ith stopping and checking out her tits with a wolfish leer. The last sentence is missing a “were” between “moment” and “being”, and again has the weird juxtaposition of telling us how comely she is while describing this violent near-dismemberment.

There's a lot of this kind of thing in the story, and I think it’s this kind of not-quite-rightness of language that’s the main defect. But then I might just be overly sensitive to this kind of thing.

On the other hand, I think you’ve created a very imaginative monster, and there were some good details, like the scene in the church (although I thought the business with the little girl was a bit much, a bit too melodramatic).

---dr.M.

 

[Dingus Guy]

Thank you Doc M.

I really appreciate the time and critique you put in. I know I am very much in the need of a good editor. If Microsoft word wasn't fixing half my stuff who knows how bad it would really be. When I was younger I always had the desire to write, but just never got around to it. Now 20 years later, I guess I am just enjoying the creative end more than the writing. I have ideas, but trying to fetch them out through a tale is much harder than I ever realized. I enjoy the praise and that feeds my ego, but the criticism allows me to try to improve. I will take your words to heart for future endeavors.

Sorry it took me so long to respond, but I didn't see your post until now. I must have missed it with all the other posts I responded to. Anyway, thanks again for taking the time.