Rhys
the once and future
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2001
- Posts
- 33,020
The Christmas story you wrote. Forgive me, you took the link out of your sig and because I didn't bookmark it, and am basically lazy, I don't remember the title.
This will be short. I didn't find anything technically wrong with it. The editing is fine. I have issues with the story itself though. I wanted to know why it was important for the main character to humiliate her husband. Yeah, I sort of got that he was a jerk about the Christmas pagent. I get that he ignored her. I get that she enjoyed sticking it to a hypocritical Church dressed as an angel. But, I also got that he wanted her in the Christmas pagent then turned around and blew her off when she did what he wanted. I didn't really buy the premise that she had to go pick up the friend because that seemed contrived to get him into the story...a little too contrived to me. Also, as soon as the boyfriend insisted on the double dildo, the reader could pretty much predict what was going to happen.
I also question whether its physically possible for a woman to cum enough to have juices running down her thighs. I've read gay stories in which the jism practically floods the room. If it's physically possible and I just don't know about it, please ignore the comment but I wondered at this. (and yes, I've heard of the squirter but I thought that was an anomaly)
I get that she gets revenge on the husband that ignores her, but the ending really left me more puzzled than anything. To me, it seemed more like she was a piece of meat being passed from one alpha male to the other. I think I needed more detail as to why he was such an asshole and ignored her, and why he was so willing to treat her like a piece of trash. He knew she'd publically cuckholded him but I think I expected more of a reaction. I also expected the boyfriend to also treat her better at that time. The husband treated her like yesterday's garbage but I didn't feel that the boyfriend did much better.
As far as a dominance story goes, this was okay. I think with some tweaking and upping the emotional ante so to speak, (as to why things had degenerated between the couple and why she was seeking emotional support from someone else) this story would do well on a bsdm site. For me, I wanted to see more detail in the relationships. If you tell me why she wants to be dominated and why her husband is so turned off by her antics then I would be more comfortable with the more predictable aspects of the story. Overall, I think the story is a good effort and you obviously have familiarity with your subject matter.
This will be short. I didn't find anything technically wrong with it. The editing is fine. I have issues with the story itself though. I wanted to know why it was important for the main character to humiliate her husband. Yeah, I sort of got that he was a jerk about the Christmas pagent. I get that he ignored her. I get that she enjoyed sticking it to a hypocritical Church dressed as an angel. But, I also got that he wanted her in the Christmas pagent then turned around and blew her off when she did what he wanted. I didn't really buy the premise that she had to go pick up the friend because that seemed contrived to get him into the story...a little too contrived to me. Also, as soon as the boyfriend insisted on the double dildo, the reader could pretty much predict what was going to happen.
I also question whether its physically possible for a woman to cum enough to have juices running down her thighs. I've read gay stories in which the jism practically floods the room. If it's physically possible and I just don't know about it, please ignore the comment but I wondered at this. (and yes, I've heard of the squirter but I thought that was an anomaly)
I get that she gets revenge on the husband that ignores her, but the ending really left me more puzzled than anything. To me, it seemed more like she was a piece of meat being passed from one alpha male to the other. I think I needed more detail as to why he was such an asshole and ignored her, and why he was so willing to treat her like a piece of trash. He knew she'd publically cuckholded him but I think I expected more of a reaction. I also expected the boyfriend to also treat her better at that time. The husband treated her like yesterday's garbage but I didn't feel that the boyfriend did much better.
As far as a dominance story goes, this was okay. I think with some tweaking and upping the emotional ante so to speak, (as to why things had degenerated between the couple and why she was seeking emotional support from someone else) this story would do well on a bsdm site. For me, I wanted to see more detail in the relationships. If you tell me why she wants to be dominated and why her husband is so turned off by her antics then I would be more comfortable with the more predictable aspects of the story. Overall, I think the story is a good effort and you obviously have familiarity with your subject matter.
