End of an affair

[Sbdart31]

Hello

Not sure why I'm even writing this post, I guess it's more a rant to get things off my chest and who better to do that to than internet strangers?

I have been in a dead bedroom relationship for a long time and without looking for something I ended up meeting someone and it developed in to an affair. Things were intense, we spoke every day, we went away for short trips and had other things planned. Honestly I was close to leaving my marriage for them and then the world went crazy with covid.

We kept in touch but then her husband had a serious accident, I helped her through it being her emotional support and when restrictions eased we met up a couple more times. She then told me she couldn't do it anymore as it wasn't fair on her husband. I didn't like it but I understood and we agreed to be friends, we still spoke nearly every day.

In April last year, due to the effects of the accident she started to suffer from depression, she was signed off work and went quiet. I gave her space as I knew she didn't need to deal with anything other than what her and her family were going through, I made sure to check in on her periodically but from the perspective of a friend rather than anything else.

In September 2021 she returned to work and reached out, we began talking daily again and even started meeting once a week and although nothing happened we flirted heavily and she mentioned a trip we never got to take and spoke about it maybe happening this year.

Over the Christmas period she went quiet so last week I reached out to check everything was ok at this point she decided to tell me she has started another affair with someone else. Honestly I was crushed and when I told her I didn't want to know details she seemed offended.

I know I shouldn't have started the affair in the first place but how do I recover from it being completely over? How do I process the emotions attached to a relationship ending when it wasn't there in the first place?

Sorry for the long post and if this isn't the type of thing these boards are for I am sorry but I needed to tell someone and writing it down helps get it off my chest

 

[PersonalFavors]

Hello

Not sure why I'm even writing this post, I guess it's more a rant to get things off my chest and who better to do that to than internet strangers?

I have been in a dead bedroom relationship for a long time and without looking for something I ended up meeting someone and it developed in to an affair. Things were intense, we spoke every day, we went away for short trips and had other things planned. Honestly I was close to leaving my marriage for them and then the world went crazy with covid.

We kept in touch but then her husband had a serious accident, I helped her through it being her emotional support and when restrictions eased we met up a couple more times. She then told me she couldn't do it anymore as it wasn't fair on her husband. I didn't like it but I understood and we agreed to be friends, we still spoke nearly every day.

In April last year, due to the effects of the accident she started to suffer from depression, she was signed off work and went quiet. I gave her space as I knew she didn't need to deal with anything other than what her and her family were going through, I made sure to check in on her periodically but from the perspective of a friend rather than anything else.

In September 2021 she returned to work and reached out, we began talking daily again and even started meeting once a week and although nothing happened we flirted heavily and she mentioned a trip we never got to take and spoke about it maybe happening this year.

Over the Christmas period she went quiet so last week I reached out to check everything was ok at this point she decided to tell me she has started another affair with someone else. Honestly I was crushed and when I told her I didn't want to know details she seemed offended.

I know I shouldn't have started the affair in the first place but how do I recover from it being completely over? How do I process the emotions attached to a relationship ending when it wasn't there in the first place?

Sorry for the long post and if this isn't the type of thing these boards are for I am sorry but I needed to tell someone and writing it down helps get it off my chest

Some women are like that. Even though you don't have a good bedroom relationship be thankful yours isn't.
She may have hurt your feelings but guys who do that get a bad wrap.

 

[pecksniff]

Just slip out the back, Jack . . .

 

[el_uno77]

Hello

Not sure why I'm even writing this post, I guess it's more a rant to get things off my chest and who better to do that to than internet strangers?

I have been in a dead bedroom relationship for a long time and without looking for something I ended up meeting someone and it developed in to an affair. Things were intense, we spoke every day, we went away for short trips and had other things planned. Honestly I was close to leaving my marriage for them and then the world went crazy with covid.

We kept in touch but then her husband had a serious accident, I helped her through it being her emotional support and when restrictions eased we met up a couple more times. She then told me she couldn't do it anymore as it wasn't fair on her husband. I didn't like it but I understood and we agreed to be friends, we still spoke nearly every day.

In April last year, due to the effects of the accident she started to suffer from depression, she was signed off work and went quiet. I gave her space as I knew she didn't need to deal with anything other than what her and her family were going through, I made sure to check in on her periodically but from the perspective of a friend rather than anything else.

In September 2021 she returned to work and reached out, we began talking daily again and even started meeting once a week and although nothing happened we flirted heavily and she mentioned a trip we never got to take and spoke about it maybe happening this year.

Over the Christmas period she went quiet so last week I reached out to check everything was ok at this point she decided to tell me she has started another affair with someone else. Honestly I was crushed and when I told her I didn't want to know details she seemed offended.

I know I shouldn't have started the affair in the first place but how do I recover from it being completely over? How do I process the emotions attached to a relationship ending when it wasn't there in the first place?

Sorry for the long post and if this isn't the type of thing these boards are for I am sorry but I needed to tell someone and writing it down helps get it off my chest

no matter how you put it this is a lost for you. the emotions are still raw and you can't help but feel them. whatever you do don't tell your wife/girlfriend about what happened. somethings are best if left unsaid. there will be moments where you'll remember what happened during your affair....just enjoy the moment and move on. it's easier said than done but with time it will slowly be less of a memory. i've been there, and done that. give time some time. women and men do have affairs and suddenly move on to the next person with a simple flip of a switch. good luck to you.

 

[jaF0]

Not sure why I'm even writing this post,

Me neither, or why you put it here instead of over in the whiney section called 'Personals'.

 

[Mb0754mm]

Was in a very similar things a handful of years back.
We were lovers back in college but got reacquainted through a friend.
Both of us in long time marriages.
We started meeting for lunch, behind our spouses backs.
Then one day she said I need to sleep with you. And wow. It was superb.
Me a 40 year old man hard fucking this beautiful women. The sex was intense and great.
We told each other we loved each other but knew we were never going to be together.
After almost a year she said she can not do this anymore. It was fair to her husband.
I respected her wishes and did not contact her. Later found out she deleted her email account and got rid of her cell phone.. I still think fondly of her. But miss her. Miss that passion too.

 

[oneblueye]

hey...

Just slip out the back, Jack . . .

"just get on the bus Gus...
ya don't need to discuss much.
Just drop off the key Lee
and set yourself free."

 

[FGB]

I'm not posting this from a place of judgment..

You've mentioned your having a problem with your spouse regarding sex, which led to the affair. Then you fell in love, and let's face it, if you're emotionally crushed, then you were in love. Your lover then basically dumped you and started a new affair.

Things I wonder about:

1) If she's taken a new Lover, you probably weren't her first extramarital fling, and the new guy won't probably be her last.

2) Why not fix the relationship with your spouse? I'm ignorant here, but I've read so many posts from people on the boards here that indicate they no longer have a sex life with their spouse, and yet they remain married. It's confusing to me, because I wouldn't stay in that kind of relationship, there's life after divorce, there must be, as the last info I had, the majority of marriages (at least in the US) fail.

Again, not judging, just confused by some of what you've posted, it's coming from a place my brain doesn't interpret very well.

Yeah.

i saw that coming and That about sums up what I was thinking...

along with Sucker, Sucker ...Sucker!

And get yourself free,

 

[girlsmiley]

Fucked if I feel sorry for a flop who’s cheated on his wife.

What goes around, you stupid dick. Sucked in!

 

[girlsmiley]

I told Mary about us
I told her about our great sin
Mary cried and forgave me
And Mary took me back again
Said if I wanted my freedom
I could be free evermore
But I don't want to be, and I don't want to see
Mary cry anymore

Oh, devil woman
Devil woman, let go of me
Devil woman, let me be
And leave me alone
I want to go home

 

[JohnnySavage]

I don't understand these pussies that are in a marriage they don't like, and think cheating is the answer.

FFS get a divorce!

You're just a cheat and a liar that doesn't have the balls to man-up.

 

[lipav58]

Maybe you should really think about getting up the courage to stop all romances and relationships, become free and look for a girlfriend, for example on the same fling.com and have fun while not cheating on anyone. It's obvious from your story, you're just tired of relationships and you obviously need something new.

 

[Saint_Ann]

Don't you think the standard marriage contract should spell out these sexual obligations in more detail up front? There is a lot of gray area until death do you part. I can hear Bill Clinton saying it depends on the definition of 'have' (from to have and to hold).

 

[hobbit.]

Don't you think the standard marriage contract should spell out these sexual obligations in more detail up front? There is a lot of gray area until death do you part. .

why should death be the end of a sexual relationship? as long as nobody finds out what is wrong with it?

 

[grumpyoldperv]

I'm not posting this from a place of judgment..

You've mentioned your having a problem with your spouse regarding sex, which led to the affair. Then you fell in love, and let's face it, if you're emotionally crushed, then you were in love. Your lover then basically dumped you and started a new affair.

Things I wonder about:

1) If she's taken a new Lover, you probably weren't her first extramarital fling, and the new guy won't probably be her last.

2) Why not fix the relationship with your spouse? I'm ignorant here, but I've read so many posts from people on the boards here that indicate they no longer have a sex life with their spouse, and yet they remain married. It's confusing to me, because I wouldn't stay in that kind of relationship, there's life after divorce, there must be, as the last info I had, the majority of marriages (at least in the US) fail.

Again, not judging, just confused by some of what you've posted, it's coming from a place my brain doesn't interpret very well.

The bold part I would like to respond to. My own marriage has become almost completely sexless. But after 31+ years of marriage, I couldn't imagine life without her. She is my best friend, my business partner, my wife. I will suffer the DIY sexlife a long time before I would leave her. And no, I am not having any affairs. Just learning to live with a new phase of our love story.

 

[stickygirl]

The other woman was a player. She used you for support and for sex, but she was never committed to you, she just strung you along to keep your oak stiff. It hurts, but life's a bitch.
Yups to sorting stuff with your best friend/wife. Choose a kink and wank yourself stupid on your own. You may outgrow your current impulse for sex and be glad you kept with someone with whom you have so much in common. It's only sex.

At least she told you about the new affair so you can move on.

 

[PersonalFavors]

The bold part I would like to respond to. My own marriage has become almost completely sexless. But after 31+ years of marriage, I couldn't imagine life without her. She is my best friend, my business partner, my wife. I will suffer the DIY sexlife a long time before I would leave her. And no, I am not having any affairs. Just learning to live with a new phase of our love story.

And as I age I think retirement looks more comfortable sticking to the plan. Splitting it makes no sense.

 

[grumpyoldperv]

I understand your point Silkee, and do not disagree with anything you said.

But, the way to get to this many years together is learning to give and take, pick your battles, let things roll. There are many things in which we dictate the way the other lives. It is just part of it.

Maybe if i was still in my 30's or even 40's I might have a different outlook on it. But at this age, we will just make it work. And smile.

 

[Crownvic]

hey...



"just get on the bus Gus...
ya don't need to discuss much.
Just drop off the key Lee
and set yourself free."

Paul Simon thanks you for remembering the words..

 

[Wat_Tyler]

Google makes everything possible.


She could have kept fucking the old guy and the new goy and maybe a third guy and caught something and given it to all of them to take home to their "sexless" marriages to give to their wives.


Someone should write a story . . . .

 

[wallstreetguy]

I understand this. I had a long term affair that ended when her husband got sick. We had to say goodbye and it was very emotional.
But, live by the sword, die by the sword. That is life. And life is very complicated indeed.

 

[DarToon]

Sbdart: Time to just pick up the pieces and move on, sadder and wiser, and be glad you didn't end up with her.
There will be sunshine ahead.
You've taken some big hits here but remember, they probably have not been where you were.
Put this part of you in a box somewhere and smile at the coming day.

 

[coati]

Find comfort in the reality that you are not perfect, and that no other lover in the world will render you perfect.

 

[oneblueye]

Paul Simon thanks you for remembering the words..

Yea--, and so do all the other SIMPLE MINDED folks here that just couldn't remember and think of them quick enough to post for the rest of the other simple minded folks here.

 

[Strixaluco]

Now, we are all humans.

Yet. Fix that damn marriage. Or if she really doesn't want that sex - who, knows, maybe she's ok with you having affairs, which would take away the need to cheat. You don't know if you don't discuss with her.

I know I would REALLY loved to have that discussion, so that I could have forced him to think that even if I had burnout I STILL wanted sex on a regular basis. He really had no reason to cheat on me like he did.