Emotions and play

[Cirrus]

Just wondering...how many here can or have played with a Dom or sub that you just met and/or didn't have any emotional connection to (someone who was not a friend or a lover)? How did that work out? Was it more, less, or as enjoyable as with someone you were involved with emotionally?

I see myself as the kind of person who needs an emotional connection to enjoy the play, possibly even to engage in it. I'd just have to many "issues" with trusting a stranger or virtual stranger with my safety and emotional wellbeing. It's hard enough sometimes to face certain issues that come up in play with the man I'm with, who I am very much in love with.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Personally, I've only engaged in real time play with my Master/husband. We are still relatively new to this lifestyle. I don't think I could play with someone that I just met or had no feelings for, but that's just me. Even in 'nilla sex I had to have feelings for the person that I was fooling around with. I'm not the one night stand type of gal I suppose.

Just my opinion.

 

[mskittykatt]

i haven't exactly played with anyone i wasn't involved with before in some way either friends or lovers.

there was one i was involved with for quite awhile, where we didn't have any other relationship other then sex and D/s... i found when that ended rather dramaticlly that i had some feelings, but mostly just sad it ended.

however that relationship even without all the emotional involvement did require trust, and when he pushed to hard, i left without looking back.

 

[cellis]

I think it depends on what you are doing... I have talked about Himself and I adding a third person from time to time...

If we want a little play partner, I really don't want there to be too much involvement... Just someone to play with occassionally... I don't even know if we can do that... but I want to try and so does he.

However, I talked with several slaves and find them much more to my liking... I like the idea of having one for service and such. I like the idea of having affection to some degree for a slave as opposed to a sub.

There is a difference in the mind set and they evoke different emtional responses from me.

I don't know if anyone else feels that way.. or can even relate to this.

 

[mskittykatt]

i had a friend once, who would call me for blow jobs. he usually had girlfriends but hadn't found anyone to *cough* service him as i did. i think we had sex once in several years, otherwise it was all about his satisfaction.

i was thrilled!

he finally met someone that he wanted to spend his life with, a mutual friend. i didn't know her well, only that she made him happy. they offered me a position (i think) like what you're refering to. unfortunately i was much younger then, unsure of myself and to scared to take that step.

i would have lived with them, cooked for them, cleaned the house and serviced them sexually.(with a reward system based on my performance ) i would have had an allowance to spend during arranged "times off" where i'd have been allowed to wear clothes and go shopping, or out.

<<drools>> i spend much fantasy time thinking about what a wonderful life that would have been.

 

[tassie]

my first foray into this world was a slightly unexpected one, I went around to a new friend's house for the first time, we had a bottle of wine and started talking about what turned us on.

He came out with some explanations of his sexuality with regards to being a dominant in the bedroom, I'd never really thought about all this before. we started playing, really light stuff, he got me to kneel before him topless, then he produced some cling film (saren wrap in the states I think) just that sort of thing. a few slaps on the bum with the cling film tube (I liked that!) and i found it made me very horny indeed.

I went back a couple of times too

we're still friends now, and i really enjoyed the experience but it was no where near as powerful as what I have with my Dom now. maybe that's because it was so much lighter or maybe I need that emotional tie. something new to discover about myself. goodie!

 

[Ebonyfire]

MY BDSM Group

I learned the techniques by playing within the confines of a BDSM group. I did not have an emotional connection to anyone in the group although we were friendly toward each other cause we had monthly meetings and we had other group functions.

I also have Domme friends who have offered their subs for my use. I may take them up on it, but have not yet. It is not sometime I do a lot of mainly cause I do not "play" that much. I prefer to have my own subs do what I want them to do on a one to one basis.

Ebony

 

[HotPinkFemme]

Hmmmm....very interesting question posed here....i have been in the lifestyle for several years. As far as ever "playing" with a Dom or Domme with no emotional connection...absolutely not. Trust is very much emotional. In my opinion, i do not think A/anyone should enter into a bdsm situation of any kind without there being extensive discussion beforehand and the trust is formed initially thru communication. Communication is a must with bdsm play.
i have worked with many subs who ended up being abused and tortured because of not carefully choosing their "partner". The ground rules must always be set beforehand as well as many other issues dealt with. i realize i am new here and probably shouldn't be so convicted here with my opinion, but this subject is a sort of soap box/cause for me.
As far as emotional connections such as love, etc...that has to be grown into...but always have that emotional connection of trust...
And please those of Y/you new to the lifestyle, keep Y/you eyes and ears open and the first thing that does not feel right...get out...Y/you have that right.

Be Smart and Safe A/all

 

[cymbidia]

Just wondering...how many here can or have played with a Dom or sub that you just met and/or didn't have any emotional connection to (someone who was not a friend or a lover)? How did that work out? Was it more, less, or as enjoyable as with someone you were involved with emotionally?

Ever? Have i ever done this? Well, sure. I've been playing with BDSM sexuality for 30 years; back in the 70's everyone - BDSM'er, swinger, straight, gay, nilla, chocolate, strawberry, old, young, pink, purple, green, or blue - everyone was having sex with everyone else. There were no consequences. There were no deadly diseases. The term STD wasn't even known yet. Contraceptives were everywhere. Free sex, baby! Peace and love!

So, yes.
I was a sexually active maso sub even then. I played with a lot of people for whom i had no name, much less any feelings.

That was then.
The world has changed, as have i. So has the face of BDSM.

For the last 15 years or so, i've craved the intensity that a deep and real emotional bond brings to the play. Today i want my spirit as aroused as is my brain. Today is different.

Within the fierce embrace of that emotionally bonded primary relationship, past dominants and i have decided to add a third, a sometimes partner, a "just" play partner. Though we were fond of that person (else how could we have sex with them?), we weren't exactly friends/lovers with them. They were for sex. They were a really really exciting sex toy for us.

We were honest with the third. We never hid the fact that with them, for us, it was all sexual. We insured that thier needs were respected and met, too.

But they were for sex.

And it was fun. Within the boundaries of that primary relationship, adding a carefully-chosen third like that was **fun**.

I'd do it again.



edited to add: Welcome HotPinkFemme. Thank you for your interesting insights to this thread. Please take a moment to read the (very few) forum rules in the sticky at the top of the active threads. Feel free to leave the chat room conventions (W/we and T/they and U/us, for example) at the door on your way in, too. In this place, we focus almost exclusively on "real world" BDSM. In the real world, as doubtless you know, no one uses such, ummm, errr, unwieldy capitalization’s to and about each other. How could we?

 

[RisiaSkye]

I'm totally unqualified ...I've never been a casual sex person. Never been much good at divorcing sex from my emotional investment in both the act and the person/people.

No judgement of anyone else intended, of course. It's just not for me.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Emotions and play

And it was fun. Within the boundaries of that primary relationship, adding a carefully-chosen third like that was **fun**.

I'd do it again.

Yep, in a lot of ways my youth resembled that. I still can divorce my personal feelings from sex. However, at my age, I am bored by a lot of things that I used to find fun. Gratuitous sex is one of these. It is almost like watching TV while on a treadmill. You can be a hundred miles away, and still get the benefits.

So now I choose my sex partners and D/s partners very carefully. Life is too short to give away what I have to people who do not appreciate it's worth.

Ebony

 

[Quint]

Not since the good ol' days of cyber

Well okay, those days are still here, but I was speaking more of my preteen chatroom excursions, where I knew nobody and cared not a bit.

I can't do that anymore. For one thing, I'm generally laughing too hard to respond to any invitations. For another, when I meet someone new, my first instinct is to feel them out. I just have no idea how to stay amicable strangers. If I like them and respect them and am aroused by them enough to play, we become friends and the anonymous fuckfest is cancelled.

This is immediately pulled from online play but I'm applying it to real life now so my post isn't deleted. o) I've met a couple of wonderful individuals on Lit who I'd just love to meet and in fact am planning to. Freya is coming to be a third with Hunny and me in August, actually. ::does a little happy dance:: It would have been impossible for me to meet her, talk to her, and invite her to come play without taking the intermediate step of being infatuated with her. That's just the way I am. I fantasize about being used for public consumption, a la Phedre no Delaunay of "Kushiel's Dart," but I honestly don't see how I could do that. Emotions just happen.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Bump as I think it is good....plus I just love seeing Ebonyfire's new Christmas AV.

Catalina http://www.smilies4you.de/content/wspezial/b17.gif

 

[ownedsubgal]

have never had a problem playing with or being used by those who i did not care for or did not even know. for me sex was never an emotional thing to begin with...i always viewed it as a physical urge, a biological need, nothing at all to do with lovey-dovey feelings. also i've never found it necessary for me to trust a person simply because they are using my body. so for me, being used when emotions or personal concern for one another were not involved have never caused any issues, but then, i have realized that i seem to be unique in that respect.

 

[Kataklysm]

Trust is paramount for me so I suppose that I'd need to be emotionally envolved to some level. As far as deeper feelings and/or love coming into play (I mean with my Dom, not someone I was just playing with) I haven't had those feelings so I can't comment on them.

 

[lark sparrow]

I've played (BDSM play, not traditional sex) with people I have recently met and didn't have any intimate (or obviously long-standing) emotional connection with. Sometimes it works out great in that both get what they want and move on, or perhaps something develops if there is potential... the other side, of it not working out great, is that there can be a tremendous pull to that which one cannot have. If the partner wants more, and you don't it can really become more trouble than the brief encounter is worth.

It's difficult to say whether it is less, more or as enjoyable because it really depends on what one is up for. If you're in a space where an intimate and long-standing emotional connection is wanted and/or needed then anything else may appear lesser and leave one dissatisfied or needing more.

It's also difficult to say there are no emotions in or connection (breaking down "emotional connection" literally and over simply) to someone I would choose to play with - it may have absolutely nothing to do with a deep love for that person or a need to develop a sexual/romantic relationship with them, but emotions are experienced and connections happen with good play regardless. I am not one to consider scening without sexual intercourse, or oral sex or some form of overt and semi-traditional sex, sex... and random screwing isn't usually very high in my priorities.

On a deeper continuing level, yes, if a more intense, mutually shared emotional connection isn't there, it's not going to go very far and is going to become stale quickly for me if I try to continue it for one reason or another, but that doesn't mean an experience or two playing with someone I am not madly in love with cannot be very enjoyable. It can!

Trusting someone physically and emotionally not to be an utterly destructive maniac does not necessarily mean that one's heart is on the plate in complete and open offering. We do it daily on the street walking, or in our cars with strangers all about doing the same, etc.

 

[Justina123]

I've done both, also. I am presently in a 24/7 with a Dominant I am also very much in love with and the play and life are wonderful.

However, over the years I have also played many times with Dominants I did not have an "emotional" connection with. We had always talked, or actually e-mailed, at least enough for me to have stated my hard limits, and in all but one or two cases when I was quite new and stupid, I had checked out "references" with others I knew who could tell me that the Dominant was a known safe player.

For me, there was a HUGE erotic high playing with these Dominants I was not "emotionally connected" to, in fact, did not know personally much at all. It added an element to the play which was a big sexual turn-on for me. Maybe it's kind of like the many (sane!) women who have kidnap or rape fantasies, only in my opinion, with an element of safety added in. Not knowing what to expect, being somewhat objectified, I guess you could say, all have an element which for me defies explanation but is very, very erotic.

- justina

 

[Netzach]

I've done SM in a more ritualized way with certain people I have no *personal emotional* investment with, but who had the same respect for the SM and for the nature of the connection that I did.

Via sadomasochistic pain there was a connection that was, in certain ways, more profound than other kinds I've experienced.

It was an act of faith in certain ways: one, that these people know the fuck what they are doing. Two that I can hold up to this new and somewhat intimidating activity (I tend to bottom in a more ritual space, there are some energies I don't feel old enough to have mastered....yet )

I know, how new age woo woo for Ms. Netz...

but my point is that there are contexts that SM brings people together in, that not knowing someone as a life partner doesn't mean there cant be intimacy, investment, and well placed trust.

 

[Master_Wiccanman]

[/QUOTE]

'''''''
but my point is that there are contexts that SM brings people together in, that not knowing someone as a life partner doesn't mean there cant be intimacy, investment, and well placed trust. [/B][/QUOTE]

Like Ebony fire.. I too have play within the confines of my BDSM Group... without emotional involvement..it was consentual ( by the Dom/me ) and their submissives did enjoy themselves .. I did not want an emotional involvement with another... but the scenes were always supervised ( by the submissives Dom/me)
and with the RESPECT for A/all concerned.. the mindset is important. And we certainly dont want to interfere with anothers relationship either M/s or 'nilla.

Thats all it was ""Play for play sake ..( and for the pleasure/punishment of the submissive/slave)..