Emotional, long post: you have been warned.

[Jade]

Okay, I have been thinking about this all day... whether or not to create this post, whether or not anyone will even read it and perhaps I just need to let it all out of my system and so I am posting anyway, regardless of the high potential towards grammatical errors being that I didn't get enough sleep last night and likely bombed a test today and just feel overly shitty, essentially...

So, here's the problem... I typically don't go into "this" much detail on the board. Sure I talk a lot about my life, and this and that, but I haven't really ever expressed deep seeded emotion, and that is on purpose. Why reveal something THAT innately ME? Why expose myself that way, thereby creating vulnerability beyond what comes automatically with being human, in addition to all of the other stereotypes that I probably fit, half of which I am likely not all that aware of?

Anyway... the story...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, tons of stories start this way but what the heck.. .

So I met this guy...
He's a wonderful man. We get along fabulously but... (there is ALWAYS a "but," am I right?)...

There are some issues.

First of all, I never asked him out but finally he asked me out a few weeks ago and of course, I said yes.
Well then he cancelled ... this happened about 3-4 times... I was starting to become concerned that I was being utilized as "insurance."

Then, we finally went out a couple of nights ago.
We had an amazing time.

We are both musicians and we found a secluded area on campus and played for awhile and and then talked and talked and walked and talked and then got in his car and talked some more.
I am not sure why really but... I opened myself up to him.
No, not sexually but... he was so beautiful (I don't mean physically and I hate to be sounding like some sort of "feel the aura" hippie freak... I just can't explain this and sound normal I suppose?) and he was listening to every word I said.
I told him about a HUGE percentage of my past.
I revealed WAY more than the majority of people know about me in fact.

It was a LOT... a LOT. It took a few hours.
Afterwards I just looked at him and he took a deep breath.
I asked him if he was okay and he said "wow, that was really heavy."
And I said "Ya, I know... are you okay with it all, can you handle it?"
HE said "I don't know... it seemed sort of like, too much too soon."
And then I started regretting my foolishness... my idiocy.
But then... WTF? Why didn't he stop me HOURS ago... why wait and hear it all out and THEN react that way you know?

We talked some more and it turns out that he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex... okay I can deal with that, honestly... but what other views are going to clash that we have? Just how conservative IS he?

We talked some more... until 4 Am and then we both had to go.

We talked on the phone for about 30 min last night and he asked me if I was okay and I said I didn't know and he said he was still dealing with stuff and he realized why.

I asked him to explain and what it comes down to is that all of what I told him sort of contrasts the image he had of me... as usual, he saw me as "the girl next door" (hence my signature line) ... well, that is what everyone sees... and well, sure in many ways what they see is what they get, but there is so much more (as there is to ANY person... hence why stereotyping/judgemental people piss me off so much) and it just really was disturbing for him to have to deal with the parts of me that did not fit that image.

So he then explained that he was busy and would need some time to think things over.

I just don't know what to make of it all.
I feel like a total idiot.
I feel like I don't want to open myself up to anyone again on one hand, and then on the other hand (again... my oxymoronic self?) I want to open MORE just on the off hand that someone actually will be able to handle that sort of thing, to "cancel out" this guy reacting this way.

I wouldn't be stressing about this at all if this guy wasn't just incredibly amazing.
He could be worth something... not sure what, but surely something.
I LOVE the way his mind works (when he isn't acting like a total ass that is... eh hem) and honestly, no one (man or woman) has intellectually stimulated me like this in a LONG LONG time... if ever.
I needed it... perhaps I was just desperate for more foundation with him, I don't know.

I can't decide yet if I regret telling him (b/c of losing the chance at more intrigue with him) or if I should just be relieved (better to find out now he can't handle this rather then later.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*sigh*

Any and all insights are appreciated... if anyone actually reads this... I'll be damn impressed.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Yes I think I know how you feel, you open yourself up to a person, perhaps in the hope that he will do the same, but he didn´t (?) and now you´d like to take it back but can´t.

Well first of all it takes courage to do that, and I can sympathize with you because a few month ago a girl of my age also confided to me an unsavoury story that had thoroughly messed up her life (she had been staying and working in another country which she seemed to like very much, so I asked her why she came back, and she told me that story, perhaps for similar reasons you told that guy so much about yourself). I also told her a lot about myself and we were on friendly terms, probably a little bit more.

One day, and that is the situation as it is now, she became very distant and unfriendly for no apparent reason and I still don´t know why (we´re both single, perhaps she was hoping that I´d make advances but... just don´t know, we´ll see what the future brings, gotta talk to her soon because this can´t continue like that).

About you... well you already told him and you can´t undo it, so... make the best of it! (whatever that´s supposed to mean *g*)

 

[Jade]

Wow, someone replied...

H.W.

Thanks SO much for replying.

Reading your response, I can't be sure which end of this, in comparison with me that you were on... sort of a little of both so it seems, which I guess gives you an interesting insight into it all.

What else did you do with her besides talk?

This guy didn't kiss me, but I don't know if it is b/c of his beliefs or not?

He did hug me though and although that sound more like a friend thing, one of our earlier discussions went into great detail about how much he hated hugging... blah I don't know... I just don't want to feel like the high school teenage girl, waiting by the phone and re-playing events in my head in order to create some facade that doesn't exist ... some sort of pathetic juvenile hope if you will. (eg: "*sigh*... he actually touched my hand and smiled.. *sigh*".. groovy.. like marsha brady.. .)

Thanks again for the reply... goodluck with the lady "friend?"

 

[His Whimsicality]

'What else did you do with her besides talk?'

Nothing (not even touch) and I don´t know if it´ll ever amount to more. Once I went over to her place and I think there would have been the opportunity for a hello-kiss on the cheek because I thought I saw her wait for it, but then again perhaps not.

It´s just that sometimes I´m colder than I want to be and it´s also not my way to kiss hello, so I passed up on the opportunity which I regret, perhaps things would be different or at least clearer now.

But you two hugged, hmm... could mean anything, but if both of you usually aren´t into this...

You also said he didn´t kiss you but I didn´t kiss her either, at least I doubt that it´s a religion thing with him(but that sex after marriage only sounds strange to me).

Fortunately for me there´s also someone else who´s touched me *g* and we´ve also been to the cinema once and the signs are all there, crappy thing is that I haven´t seen her all of February because she´s been (and again is) on holiday, but at least I have received a few SMS from her sent around midnight.

 

[SteamyChik]

You sound very interested in him and he sounds like a great guy. I would accept what he said, that he just needs a little time to deal with it. You said he is very conservative, even including the bit about premarital sex. Does this mean he is a virgin? Either way, if what you told him was horrible - involved rape, abuse, promiscuous sex or what have you - then he really may just have to have some time. Time to decide if he can get past that about you. He may be looking for Miss Purity. He may be looking for YOU too. So give him some time, keep the window cracked and see what happens.

 

[Guest]

Well...

 

[Jade]

Thanks Indy... he finally called last night and we plan to meet tonight (unless he cancells... again... we'll see... *sigh*)

Wish me luck...

No way would I make him the re-bound guy... I already had that.

And yea, that does suck and I certainly hope he doesn't think that... yikes.

Thanks for responding.

 

[~justin]

Why didn't he stop me HOURS ago... why wait and hear it all out and THEN react that way you know?

...that's how a lot of guys are. They aren't going to stop you mid-sentence and say "whoa, I can't handle this, don't say another word..." there's really no graceful way to back out of someone wants to confide in you but you aren't ready for that kind of depth.

He may have been overwhelmed simply because it was more than he expected, but also maybe because he isn't so open. (this is only speculation). People who are more closed can get a little defensive when someone unloads on them. (Not that this is necessarily the case or anything).

(((Jade)))



I hope the date goes well.

 

[Luvinlif]

From the "Good Catholic Boy"...

Jade,

First of all, I fit the description of your guy very much. I am very conservative, feel that sex is something that is only truly free and open when in the boudaries of a loving, lifelong relationship. I could go into the "Why's", but I have a feeling no one cares, nor would many agree.

Having said that, I have several female friends who have unloaded a lot on me, many with rape stories. Like the others say, give him some space, but I gaurantee he will love you so deeply for the honor of being the one you could confide in. If he cannot handle a relationship with this knowledge, he will still be an invaluable friend. I still think he would be willing to try a relationship if you guys hit it off so well.

Purity is a great gift, but it is not everything. To me it is the most beautiful characteristics a woman can have. Nevertheless, realism sets in and I have dated several women who were more experienced than I and had differing views on sex. My longest relationship involved a girl who lost her virginity in a rape. Still I loved her then, and love her deeply as a friend still today.

My guess is that he will come around for you, just be patient. We conservative guys need the patience. But don't forget that we are also human and have some wild, crazy, kinky fantasies and we are searching for that woman with whom we will one day be able to hopefully live them out.

My final suggestion, Complete honesty is very healthy, and with it you can much easier reveal your souls to each other. If he is a touchy-feely guy like me, start off with a romantic evening of just cuddling and listening to the radio - a nice contrast and balance to all the talking. I think he'll come around if you guys are right for each other.

 

[MysteryJKR]

Wish me luck...

Goodluck Jade. *hugs* http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/tweetz/hug.gif

Everyones saying the right stuff pretty much.

 

[Jade]

Re: From the

I could go into the "Why's", but I have a feeling no one cares, nor would many agree.


Purity is a great gift, but it is not everything. To me it is the most beautiful characteristics a woman can have. Nevertheless, realism sets in and I have dated several women who were more experienced than I and had differing views on sex. My longest relationship involved a girl who lost her virginity in a rape. Still I loved her then, and love her deeply as a friend still today.

My guess is that he will come around for you, just be patient. We conservative guys need the patience. But don't forget that we are also human and have some wild, crazy, kinky fantasies and we are searching for that woman with whom we will one day be able to hopefully live them out.

My final suggestion, Complete honesty is very healthy, and with it you can much easier reveal your souls to each other. If he is a touchy-feely guy like me, start off with a romantic evening of just cuddling and listening to the radio - a nice contrast and balance to all the talking. I think he'll come around if you guys are right for each other.

Luvn: Thanks for your reply. It was full of a lot of insight... I still don't see why you wouldn't have loved the one who had been raped so I am glad you didn't judge her for something that wasn't her fault, otherwise, I would probably be judging you, hehe.

Yes I agree with the complete honesty, just wasn't sure if I should have given him so much so fast you know?

And no, he hasn't been a touchy-feely guy, and that is pretty dissappointing.
If he doesn't kiss me soon, he will probably lose the chance... as horrible as that sounds.

I think at this point he want's to be sure about even dating me at all and that friendship is safer you know?
I still don't feel he has adjusted to all that I told him. It wasn't that I did bad things, like criminal acts or anything, I just made some unintelligent choices, as do well all, but some worse than others, you know?

And hey, I would care about the "whys."


Steamy: yes he is a virgin

Mystery: Thanks

Justin: I love you!

 

[Earthgoddess]

Jade take care of yourself now that you've allowed yourself to purge some of your soul. If he is the guy you think he is he is hold your secrets safely for you, but don't expect him to be able to switch gears into boy friend mode. He may be recovering from confessor mode for quite some time. Give him time and space to rectify the images-the real you with the conceived you. (((((((((hugs)))))))

 

[~justin]

Hear, hear to Earthgoddess...

Awwwwww... thanks, Jade... ((((((Jade))))))

 

[Jade]

I swear, Earthgoddess and I are connected damnit!

Thanks Earthgoddess... you always know just what to say. (((Earthgoddess)))


Well, he did call me a couple of days later and we have gone out a couple of times since.
I REALLY like this guy... a LOT.

He is SOOO smart and I love the knew ways my mind opens up when I talk to him ... the things he makes me think about, you know? And he seems to think pretty highly of me on that scale as well.

His compliments are honest and sincere, which means a ton and he doesn't play stupid mind games, which is WONDERFUL.
It's so great that I am actually grateful we are taking things so slowly.

Xander made a suggestion that I try touching his face, and I did, and it was great b/c he smiled at me.

I wish the whole kissing thing didn't matter so much to me.
Perhaps it is just the society I have been raised in though, you know? Kissing is a physical thing that crosses a certain boundary... sort of like a reassurance in a way?
If he doesn't kiss me, then where does the "proof" lie that he really truly "likes me" likes me... I need substantial evidence dammit!

 

[Guest 1977]

Re: I swear, Earthgoddess and I are connected damnit!

Why not start it off slow then, like a kiss on the cheek??
Might get him used to the idea of your lips on his skin.

Good luck milady.

 

[Jade]

Re: Re: I swear, Earthgoddess and I are connected damnit!

Why not start it off slow then, like a kiss on the cheek??
Might get him used to the idea of your lips on his skin.

Good luck milady.

Guest... if you had ANY idea how much I love being talked to that way...

 

[Guest 1977]

Re: Re: Re: I swear, Earthgoddess and I are connected damnit!

Why not start it off slow then, like a kiss on the cheek??
Might get him used to the idea of your lips on his skin.

Good luck milady.

Guest... if you had ANY idea how much I love being talked to that way...

*soft chuckle* Certain habits are somewhat difficult to overcome, milady. Slightly archaic word choice and phrasing are oft found with me. Me thinks I may have watched too many swashbuckler movies as a child. *chuckles*

But all jesting aside, may Lady Luck smile upon thee, milady and grant thou thy fondest wish.

 

[Blackbich]

Jade,

Don't know what to say besides give him time.

Once he's digested what you told him, he'll come around either as a friend or as more.

 

[coralrose]

IMHO

I am probably one of the last people to give relationship advice, but through observations of my friends and family, here are my two cents:

It sounds like you've found a gem. Without getting all "new age-y" on you, there is some reason why your souls are connecting, which is why you felt so at ease that first night and spilled your secrets. And why didn't he stop you? Yes, he didn't want to interrupt, but he is drawn to you for his own reasons... fixer, helper, healer, who knows. Only time will show the value of this experience.

Remember that each individual has their own life experiences that they bring to any relationship. Perhaps they didn't show affection much in his family, or he was abused when he was younger, or (like in Pretty Woman) a kiss is so much more than sex. There are so many "perhaps" that it would be impossible to limit his reactions to just one. By showing respect to his limits, you will enable him to trust you.

I hope this made some semblence of sense, and I wish you the best of luck...

CoralRose

 

[Adoratrice]

Make sure he understands that you don't need him to fix anything you told him about. Men have an inate desire to make everything okay..that could be causing great fear on his part. Let him know that you are still the person he thought you were...anything & everything that has happened to you in your life has made you who you are today.

 

[Earthgoddess]

re Earthgoodess and I must be connected

Jade you and I must be connected, maybe I should just email you!-how are things babe? I have been thinking alot about you and wanted to check in-BTW that dashing rapscallion that called you milady set my heart a flutter too with his hineyed tongue-GOD I love that!!

 

[Guest 1977]

Re: re Earthgoodess and I must be connected

Jade you and I must be connected, maybe I should just email you!-how are things babe? I have been thinking alot about you and wanted to check in-BTW that dashing rapscallion that called you milady set my heart a flutter too with his hineyed tongue-GOD I love that!!

Myself a rapscallion, milady?? Thou dost wound me deeply. Teasing perhaps, but no mere base knave am I. Though honesty does require me to admit that I've heard the term silver tongued used to describe my person. I rather disagree with that assessment, but that is another matter all together.

May Lady Luck smile upon thee as well.

 

[Earthgoddess]

did I actualy type hineyed tongue???

I am soooo embarrassed-hineyed I meant honeyed really.
You are making me crazy-too many years of working the Renn circuit as a wench-ahhh the memories! Thank you Good Sir for allowing those sweet words to caress my ears as sunlight soothes the lily's petals. Forsooth I may even find my petals doth surrender to love's dew, at such speeches.

 

[Guest 1977]

Re: did I actualy type hineyed tongue???

I am soooo embarrassed-hineyed I meant honeyed really.
You are making me crazy-too many years of working the Renn circuit as a wench-ahhh the memories! Thank you Good Sir for allowing those sweet words to caress my ears as sunlight soothes the lily's petals. Forsooth I may even find my petals doth surrender to love's dew, at such speeches.

Be not ashamed to make a mistake milady. For to err is to be human and in many ways t'is far more comforting that you're a mortal of flesh and blood and therefore available for courthip. For thine divine countenance did bedazzle my senses and made me wonder where such a being of prose and wonder could've hidden herself for so long.

Though I must decline thou most gracious praisings of my words and person, I am but a simple man, a knight questing perhaps, but a man nonetheless. Filled with flaws and quirks, bearing many a scar upon body and soul. Too much kindness does thou show for the likes of me. Mind, that such kindness dost only add to your radiant character, and make it even more a suitable subject for a ballad or poem. It be a pity that a bard I am not, for else I would sing of thine warm heart and stirring character, the beauty within and without. Of the sparkles in thy eyes, to the softness of thy lips. But alas, a bard I am most definitely not. So my most meager offerings above are but all I can offer thee.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Good Sir, you must be a bard for truly your words flow gently upon mine ears like the soft songs of the forest as the trees caress the sky with their longing branches. A simple man would find not such riches to heap at my unworthy feet, for mine is not a soul such as your gilded image. Nay, prithee see me for the base and plain creature that I am. Waste not gentle Sir your thoughts on one so wanton and bawdy-you turn the metals within my very soul to most molten, maleable-perhaps not a bard but a smithy be thou. Shape and ply me with your words until you have created a new metal-far superior to the former. Your flattery is gilt laid over rough wood, your thoughts are far more pure and courtly than this wench doth deserve. Fit to serve thee a flask of mead-that is all, no gracious lady I.