Embracing Our Truths has been published

[Canchon]

Following advice, I'm starting a new thread and the link to my first ever story published on Lit. Voting and comments are enabled, so please feel free to give me any feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/s/embracing-our-truths-ch-01

 

[tomlitilia]

Following advice, I'm starting a new thread and the link to my first ever story published on Lit. Voting and comments are enabled, so please feel free to give me any feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/s/embracing-our-truths-ch-01

You'll do better if you work on your grammar. You mix past and present tense, overuse parenthesis, and use comma instead of full stop. For instance "I finally had enough and left, a few weeks later I was served with the divorce papers, I didn't sign them, maybe a little bit of spite, and also the fact that she was also suing for sole custody of our son, as expected" should be at least three different sentenses. Maybe try to find an editor for your next story. Good luck

 

[Canchon]

You'll do better if you work on your grammar. You mix past and present tense, overuse parenthesis, and use comma instead of full stop. For instance "I finally had enough and left, a few weeks later I was served with the divorce papers, I didn't sign them, maybe a little bit of spite, and also the fact that she was also suing for sole custody of our son, as expected" should be at least three different sentenses. Maybe try to find an editor for your next story. Good luck

Thanks, I'm doing my best, English is not my first language. I'll try to make it a little easier to read.

 

[tomlitilia]

Thanks, I'm doing my best, English is not my first language. I'll try to make it a little easier to read.

I also write in English as my second language. It gets easier with time, but I still make annoying mistakes. A pair of extra eyes before publishing helps.

 

[gordo12]

BDSM isn't my thing so I pretty much just skimmed. What I did read shows a lot of potential as a writer. Especially with English as a second language. That was impressive.

This is something that works for me. I don't know about other writers. Give it a few days to see the comment trend and the scores start to average out. Then go back and read it yourself.

I don't know what it is. Publishing a story is like outing your most intimate thoughts. They look entirely different (to me) exposed to the public and posted here.

I find myself going through. Why did I leave that word in. How come that sentence is so balky. Why didn't I delete that section or...?

All my mistakes seem to stand out like neon signs.

The readers will also find a lot of what you missed so check out their suggestions. And those that insult you...ignore!

Anyway well done for a first story!

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Congrats on your first chapter!

I read your story very carefully, and just want to offer some observations. Please take them with a grain of salt—this is just my opinion and it’s meant as encouragement and help(things tend to come across harsher than intended in feedback and especially online.) Use, or toss, as you see fit.

It’s clear that your story excites you, and you’re good at sharing that enthusiasm with the reader. I was glad that Joe and Alexia were finally able to take their long-simmering romance to a new level. And kudos again for doing so with English as your second language! Be confident; your prose reads with the flow of a native speaker.

But some of your excitement rushes the narrative. Part of this resulted in poor grammar. Others have already given helpful suggestions to remedy that.

Some of your rush held back your character and plot development. For one, there wasn’t any dialogue until Joe and Alexia went to the pool hall. There was a lot of “telling” narrated by Joe; some of it would have been more effective as dialogue. After all, this is a story about two people choosing to trust the other with their D/s fantasies, and doing so will require good communication.

For example: at dinner, Joe and Alexia could have shared some banter, talked about the pains of Joe’s divorce, talked about anything in Alexia’s life (I know nothing about her except that she’s a BBW 40yr old virgin who lives alone with a cat), etc. Joe could have complimented her on her dress and her new hair color. They could have reminisced about their friendship, one of their steamy online chats, etc. You had already constructed the framework for good dialogue in that scene. Any such could have developed both the characters and sexual tension.

Some of your rush overlooked minor, but oddly distracting, story holes. When Joe left for the restaurant, he had a beard—you described that it was reddish. But when he went home in the AM, he only had a bit of stubble starting to grow in. When did he shave it?

Another distraction: how did Alexia get to the restaurant and why did Joe drive her home? Did she leave her own car at the restaurant, or did she take public transit or an Uber? And why, when Joe pulled up to her house, didn’t she realize/recognize well before that she was home? Does she not know her own neighborhood because she recently moved there? And is that why no one else has ever been in her home before?

I understand that these points have nothing to do with your underlying story. But you want to lead your readers to the plot points that matter, similar to a horse to water. If you put lots of detail into describing settings, appearances, etc, try to keep it consistent so your readers won’t get distracted from the story you want to tell.

The most jarring thing, imho, was that you rushed a sex scene and abruptly ended with an et cetera, and told the reader to fill in the rest (“You get the idea.”) I doubt that will matter much to the one-handed readers; but based on the level of construction in the rest of your story, it seems that you’re not writing for them. It seems that you want a readership that is engaged with and enjoys your story as much as you do.

If that’s the case, you should respect your readership’s time by taking the time to write out complete, thoughtful scenes. You put lots of detail into scenes like shopping for a gold necklace and choker (and even describe putting the receipt in the bag), and explaining Joe’s affection for the nickname Kajira. You should give the same attention to the critical sex scenes, and not expect the reader to do that work for you.

Lastly, you may want to discuss the story genre with some other BDSM and Romance editors. Given Alexia’s reluctance to any activities with pain, humiliation, bodily fluid/function, sharing, etc. it sounds like the relationship involves titles and some light roleplay, spanking etc. This is common in a lot of bedrooms. Meanwhile, Jeanette, Pauline and mom all like Alexia, and she and Joe have a strong bond as lovers and friends. You may decide that this story is better placed in the Romance category; an experienced editor can probably help you decide, unless you’re committed to BDSM.

Again, I hope that this is helpful feedback and that you are taking a lot of pride in your first chapter! Congrats again!

 

[Emirus]

Thanks, I'm doing my best, English is not my first language. I'll try to make it a little easier to read.

Doing your best is all that anyone can do in any sphere. Just a few points to have you think about. Writing in English when it’s not your first language must be difficult. As someone whose second language is gibberish I can’t really understand but writing in what is not your first language will put you at a disadvantage. So doing your best is all you can do and, putting in the effort, you will improve. Just don’t push.

Much of your story is in overlong paragraphs and long paragraphs don’t work in Lit. You need to have more white space. But when editing a long paragraph look for a natural break not just cut it off anywhere. Look at separating your dialogue from description. Try reading your dialogue aloud after you’ve written it and it will give you a good idea as to whether it sounds real. It’s very difficult at first to write stories entirely from your imagination. At the moment your story is tangled up and could do with having an editor look at it. Not for the story just for the formatting.

You can learn a lot by reading stories in the same category that you want to write in. Bear in mind that just because a story has a high rating doesn’t mean it’s a good story.

 

[Canchon]

Thank you all for the feedback, hopefully the whole BDSM genre will come to light in the later chapters, since this was more to set up a little backstory for what is to come. Chapter 02 should be coming on tonight. it shows a little more on the personalities, and brings in more the D/s aspect.

I'm still learning, and the first 3 chapters were already written, and by the time it was published, the had been submitted. I'm currently working on Chapter 04 and am looking to see about all the suggestions I've received.

 

[Emirus]

Edit

There is nothing to stop you from taking into account all the advice you have been given, deciding which advice you want to accept (because you might not want to accept it all) and, at a future date, which might be next week or next month or next whenever altering your original and submitting an edited version.

It’s been done by many writers who want to change their original for an improved version. Better than charging on regardless.

 

[yukonnights]

Thank you all for the feedback, hopefully the whole BDSM genre will come to light in the later chapters, since this was more to set up a little backstory for what is to come. Chapter 02 should be coming on tonight. it shows a little more on the personalities, and brings in more the D/s aspect.

I'm still learning, and the first 3 chapters were already written, and by the time it was published, the had been submitted. I'm currently working on Chapter 04 and am looking to see about all the suggestions I've received.

I've looked at your story, but feel you have received enough feedback for now. My suggestion is; Take all of this "change" at a pace that does not overwhelm you. There are many good 'e-books' available to help aspiring authors improve their craft. Things like; How To Write Dialogue, How to Show Rather than Tell, etc. Since this writing in English is all so new to you, perhaps learning one new thing at a time might be more fruitful? (I myself am just now trying to learn a new perspective in writing...and it is hard to just learn that one thing, and I have been writing in English my entire life! Workshops and classes are filled with English speakers trying to figure out how to write better.)

I am amazed and humbled by non-English speaking authors who are capable of doing what you have done. It is far beyond my ability to do the same in your language. That alone is an incredible achievement, in my opinion. Anyway, that's my 'feedback'...

 

[Canchon]

I've looked at your story, but feel you have received enough feedback for now. My suggestion is; Take all of this "change" at a pace that does not overwhelm you. There are many good 'e-books' available to help aspiring authors improve their craft. Things like; How To Write Dialogue, How to Show Rather than Tell, etc. Since this writing in English is all so new to you, perhaps learning one new thing at a time might be more fruitful? (I myself am just now trying to learn a new perspective in writing...and it is hard to just learn that one thing, and I have been writing in English my entire life! Workshops and classes are filled with English speakers trying to figure out how to write better.)

I am amazed and humbled by non-English speaking authors who are capable of doing what you have done. It is far beyond my ability to do the same in your language. That alone is an incredible achievement, in my opinion. Anyway, that's my 'feedback'...

Thanks, my usual experience with writing is legal and diplomatic treaties in Spanish, with legal terminology. So my attempt at English grammar and conversational writing is a little off. And also the reason for my "super long" paragraphs.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I started this but hit some major turn-offs that derailed me on Page 1.

#1: The first paragraph of a story is a great opportunity to give readers a taste of what your intentions are for the story as a whole. Here, Paragraph 1 is mostly about how much the protag dislikes his ex-wife, descending into self-acknowledged spite. I know there are readers who love that stuff, especially in LW, but for me hearing a guy waxing bitter about his ex is actively anti-sexy.

#2: Alex feels like a doormat. She's a forty-year-old virgin who's apparently been waiting her entire adult life for Joe to be available. Even when they were out of touch for years she doesn't seem to have taken an interest in anybody else. Don't get me wrong, submissives are hot! But submission is so much hotter when it's coming from somebody who has power to give up.

#2a: As far as I read, I don't think you've told us a single thing about Alex other than her appearance and how she relates to Joe. What does she do for a living? What are the challenges she deals with in her own life? What are her interests? I have no idea. It's like she lives in storage somewhere and only comes out when it's time to talk to Joe.

Also, this:

I laughed a little when she said that, true we could bot benefit from losing a little weight, but all I could see, was a beautiful woman that would rival any model.

You can observe that she's overweight, or you can do the "all I see is your beauty" thing, but if you try to do both in the same sentence it just comes across as insincere.

That's about where I stopped reading - tastes will vary, but I just didn't find anything here to hold my attention.

 

[Canchon]

I started this but hit some major turn-offs that derailed me on Page 1.

#1: The first paragraph of a story is a great opportunity to give readers a taste of what your intentions are for the story as a whole. Here, Paragraph 1 is mostly about how much the protag dislikes his ex-wife, descending into self-acknowledged spite. I know there are readers who love that stuff, especially in LW, but for me hearing a guy waxing bitter about his ex is actively anti-sexy.

#2: Alex feels like a doormat. She's a forty-year-old virgin who's apparently been waiting her entire adult life for Joe to be available. Even when they were out of touch for years she doesn't seem to have taken an interest in anybody else. Don't get me wrong, submissives are hot! But submission is so much hotter when it's coming from somebody who has power to give up.

#2a: As far as I read, I don't think you've told us a single thing about Alex other than her appearance and how she relates to Joe. What does she do for a living? What are the challenges she deals with in her own life? What are her interests? I have no idea. It's like she lives in storage somewhere and only comes out when it's time to talk to Joe.

Also, this:

I laughed a little when she said that, true we could bot benefit from losing a little weight, but all I could see, was a beautiful woman that would rival any model.

You can observe that she's overweight, or you can do the "all I see is your beauty" thing, but if you try to do both in the same sentence it just comes across as insincere.

That's about where I stopped reading - tastes will vary, but I just didn't find anything here to hold my attention.

Thanks Bramble, I'm now thinking of doing a prequel or chapter 00 to fill in the gaps and I'll focus more on Alexia's story. If you could read a little of Chapter 02 it might be better for you.