Editor Needed For "How They Trained Me"

[emma_lou]

Hello:

I have chapter one finished of a dominance story called "How They Trained Me". The main help I need is with the voice. I want the story to read like it was written by a poorly educated country girl...but still keep it readable.

I am posting a sample, and I hope a willing editor would either offer help here, or through the private message system.

The errors you read are intentional btw. lol.

HOW THEY TRAINED ME
Chapter One: Meeting Mr. Wilson

I have read here what has happened to other women who get turned into sex slaves like me so I guess this is as good a place as any to confess all the things I had to do and all the things they did to me. I bet I ain’t the only girl out there who got herself into a lot of trouble when she was 18.

I guess I gotta admit I wasn’t totally taken advantage of by Him. I’ve always been attracted to men a lot older than me and I guess I did have a fantasy of just being taken care of and only have to do sexy things. I think if it had been just Him it would have been easier but all the other men He made me work for were really scary to me. But He did take me in when I had no place but the street to live and I never had nothing to worry about but being a good little girl.

Maybe some other girls wouldn’t be scared being given to other men but He always made it so I never knew what was gonna happen to me. Like the first time He told me I had to start making money. All He said was He had a friend name of Mr. Wilson who was very important and could get me a lot of work but He never told me anything else. He always called it work but I guess I don’t need to tell you what work I had to do.

I know He must have planned it for a while, but He sure never told me when I was going to meet Mr. Wilson the first time. Out of the blue one night He just told me “Take a shower and make sure you shave real good because I’m taking you to see Mr. Wilson and Mr. Wilson will get mad if he found any hair.” He even made me get up on the bathroom counter after I shaved and checked that I did a good job. He didn’t even let me pick out what to wear. All he gave me was a halter top and a mini skirt and when I asked him what panties I should wear He gave me that dirty look so I just shut up and dressed and we got in the car and drove for a long time.

See what I mean? He never told me nothing. When we were driving I asked where we were going and you know what He told me? “Don’t go thinkin’ about where I’m taking you. You just worry about being a good little girl for Mr. Wilson when we get there.”

Being short doesn’t help none either. I am five foot nothing and He is six foot and there ain’t nothing I can do to stop Him. When we got to the motel, He made me knock and Mr. Wilson opened the door and Mr. Wilson was even older and taller than He was. I felt about two inches tall. I’ll tell you it takes all the fight out of you when you are standing there with Him behind you and some stranger in front of you and you don’t know where you are and all you got on is a halter top and a mini skirt and you ain’t even allowed to wear panties.

They were looking down at me and talking about me like I was a horse at the county fair. You know, how shiny my hair was and how I had a nice tan and a cute ass and tiny little tits. He told me to be a good little girl and be respectful of Mr. Wilson and call him sir and let Mr. Wilson do anything he wanted.

He made me shake Mr. Wilson’s hand and Mr. Wilson grabbed my hand real hard and squeezed and wouldn’t let go. Mr. Wilson leaned down and got right in my face and told me he might be able to get me a lot of work but I’d have to be a good little girl and do everything he say. And He said “Emma Lou what do you say to the nice man?” and I had to answer “I’ll be a good little girl for you Mr. Wilson, sir” and Mr. Wilson smiled at me and said to Him “What a good girl she is” and He told me to give Mr. Wilson a kiss.


I never been so nervous and seeing a video cam on a tripod pointed at the bed sure wasn’t helping. Mr. Wilson led me over there and told me to sit on the bed. I knew I was gonna have to do things but I just got real scared. This were before the internet and Mr. Wilson said to me that he knew a lot of men who I could work for but they want to see what I look like first so he was gonna make a tape of me and mail it to the men. I were so nervous I didn’t know what to say.

That’s when He gave me a dirty look and said “Emma Lou what do you say to the nice man?”

I said, “Thank you Mr. Wilson.”

But that wasn’t good enough for Him. He raised His voice and said “And????”

I knew He was not happy with how I was acting so far so I just tried so hard to please Him and said “And I promise to do everything you say Mr. Wilson and do a good job and be a good little girl for you Mr. Wilson sir!”

 

[married_but_curious]

Your editing request

"I have read here what has happened to other women who get turned into sex slaves like me so I guess this is as good a place as any to confess all the things I had to do and all the things they did to me."

You might try knocking out some of the modifying words and fancy grammer to produce simpler, subtly grammatically incorrect language, like this:

"I read here what happens to women who turn into sex slaves like me so I reckon this is a good place to tell you all the bad things men done to me."

married_but_curious

 

[emma_lou]

Thanks for the suggestion married_but_curious.

 

[emma_lou]

ooops I just realized I had to turn on the option for private messages before I could get any....sorry! It's on now.

 

[sr71plt]

The redo you were given changed some meaning and isn't fully grammatical.

"I read here what happens to women who turn to retain the original meaning, this should be "who are turned" into sex slaves like me in both versions, there should have been a comma here. This is a compound sentence with two independent clauses so I reckon this is a good place to tell you all the bad things men done your original "did" was grammatical correct. The choice of "done" goes with the voice of the rest of the passage, so it's a tossup which is better to me."

 

[emma_lou]

Thanks sr71plt. I like how you retained the original meaning.

How does this read:

"I read here what happens to other women who are turned into sex slaves like I was, so I guess this is as good a place as any to confess all the things I had to do and all the things they done to me."

What do you think about the run on sentences? I am trying to convey a rush of thoughtswhen I use them, like with this:

"I’ll tell you it takes all the fight out of you when you are standing there with Him behind you and some stranger in front of you and you don’t know where you are and all you got on is a halter top and a mini skirt and you ain’t even allowed to wear panties."

I am thinking if I drop saying again what she is wearing, that shortens it a bit, such as:

"I’ll tell you it takes all the fight out of you when you are standing there with Him behind you and some stranger in front of you and you don’t know where you are and they got you dressed like a slut and you ain’t even allowed to wear panties."

 

[freshface]

What do you think about the run on sentences? I am trying to convey a rush of thoughtswhen I use them, like with this:

"I’ll tell you it takes all the fight out of you when you are standing there with Him behind you and some stranger in front of you and you don’t know where you are and all you got on is a halter top and a mini skirt and you ain’t even allowed to wear panties."

I am thinking if I drop saying again what she is wearing, that shortens it a bit, such as:

"I’ll tell you it takes all the fight out of you when you are standing there with Him behind you and some stranger in front of you and you don’t know where you are and they got you dressed like a slut and you ain’t even allowed to wear panties."

Normally, I'm against them.

In this example, I think the run-ons work. Writing each phrase the same length and tying them all together with 'and' keeps the sentence flowing. Your first example doesn't work as well for me because there's an 'and 'in the middle of one of the phrases. It's also a little redundant, since you already told us how she's dressed.

Overall, your narrator's voice feels authentic, but I would recommend using some punctuation to guide the reader.

 

[emma_lou]

Thanks freshface...I think I have a few good solutions now.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

... Overall, your narrator's voice feels authentic, but I would recommend using some punctuation to guide the reader.

I agree that the lack of punctuation makes it harder to read, but against that I know people who really do talk like that.

cf. Molly Bloom.

 

[freshface]

I agree that the lack of punctuation makes it harder to read, but against that I know people who really do talk like that.

cf. Molly Bloom.

Me too. In my opinion, finding the balance is the biggest challenge with this sort of writing. Making it look illiterate while keeping it readable is a real trick. I really liked the second run-on sentence that Emma_Lou provided; the ands provide the necessary punctuation there.

However, the narrator has to breathe sometime. We still need some punctuation to help us read the sentences.

 

[emma_lou]

Again, thanks for all the help.

One of the new issues that I am now aware of during editing is dialog. I know the basic rules of dialog, and they also make a lot of sense because the rules allow the reader to clearly identify who is speaking. I like the rules as a reader. But writing this story, there are times where I want to bend the rules.

Then when I DO follow the rules, it seems to look to plain to me. For example :
~~~~~~
That’s when He gave me a dirty look and said “Emma Lou what do you say to the nice man?”

I said, “Thank you Mr. Wilson.”

But that wasn’t good enough for Him. He raised His voice and said “And????”

I knew He was not happy with how I was acting so far so I just tried so hard to please Him and said “And I promise to do everything you say Mr. Wilson and do a good job and be a good little girl for you Mr. Wilson sir!”
~~~~~~
There are times where I think the rules for dialog would give a better sense of time being passed, so I want to go back and forth with the rules and rewrite it more like this:
~~~~~~
That’s when He gave me a dirty look and said “Emma Lou what do you say to the nice man?”
and I knew I better say, “Thank you Mr. Wilson.” But that wasn’t good enough for Him.

He raised His voice and said “And?”

I knew He weren't happy with me, so I just tried so hard to please Him and said “And I promise to do everything you say Mr. Wilson and do a good job and be a good little girl for you Mr. Wilson, sir.”
~~~~~

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

However, the narrator has to breathe sometime. We still need some punctuation to help us read the sentences.

As I said, cf. Molly Bloom. She doesn't have a single comma or full stop (period) for several pages, though admittedly those are thoughts rather than speech.